TITAN (12 page)

Jordy stared at the bottle of brown
liquor on the side of her tub. She knew she had let this go on for too long.

She took a long drink then pushed
it off the side angrily, letting it break on the bathroom floor.

It had been almost two months since
she had left his house. She had cried all day, every day for a month. Made
dozens of excuses, telling friends she didn’t want to be bothered. She was
making weekly trips to Jenny’s, stocking up on Xanax and knocking herself out
daily. She never told anyone what happened.

Angie was the only one who really tried
to crack her and she would just change the subject.

Her job was suffering but they knew
something was going on and Jordy’s demeanor told them not to ask. She was
barely making her quota so she knew she was safe for now.

She had all but pushed her friends
out of her life, avoiding anything social. She refused to watch TV or even
listen to the radio. She was too scared to hear any mention of him.

She knew he had been overseas, he
had told her that he was leaving the 15th of last month, while they were
together.

He should be back by now, she
thought, at least a week or two.

She wondered if he thought of her
at all. She wondered how many women he had hurt along that route. She wanted to
kick herself for going there.

She wasn’t a complete mess. She had
finally started to clean up her house a bit. This week, she started to put on
makeup again and dress herself up like she used to.

Nothing made her feel better.

She was having a hard time dealing
with what she had done to Tony. And, for what? To be a rap stars three day
whore?

Tony had never thrown his wrench
into any of her plans, he didn’t have time.

It was over before it began.

She had make peace with what she
had done to Tony. She never
really
loved him, not that way.

Not like HIM.

The rest of her life seemed stupid
and routine. Mourning him was as close as she would get to him, so she took her
time with it.

Letting out a soft sigh, she
submersed herself under water. When she emerged, she wiped her eyes and sighed
again.

She turned to see the mess she had
made on the floor and screamed out.

There he was, sitting on her toilet
seat, staring dead at her.

He had knocked lightly but knew she
wouldn’t come to the door, anyway. He checked the handle, it gave in. He walked
in.

 Okay, Tite, you just walk
into her house after two months?

He heard a glass shatter. 
Locking the front door, he started walking quickly toward it.

He saw that she had been cleaning
that day, her apartment was spotless.

There were candles lit everywhere
and her room was perfect. He immediately thought to turn around, what if she
was with someone?

He decided to take his chances and
headed to her bedroom. She wasn’t in there. 

He saw the source of the noise and
broken whiskey bottle next to her tub, still seeping out the brown liquid.

It was Saturday night and she was
in the tub, drinking whiskey?

This wasn’t good.

He was half tempted to turn around
when her heard her sigh and go under water.

Was he out of his fucking mind?

He had just settled with Tony out of
court. He agreed to a settlement to keep the whole mess quiet, for a lump sum.
Tite never went to jail and papers were never filed. His lawyers had contacted
Tony before it went that far.

He left early for the tour, two
days after she caught him with Tracey.

He had hated being home. Every
fucking room reminded him of her.

He was thinking of her the whole
time abroad. He thought about her eyes, and way she looked at him, in almost
amazement. He thought of her clumsiness, her sincerity.

He felt like she always told him
the truth, making her vulnerable.

He knew it was impossible for her
to fake being
her
.

She was perfectly flawed, and she
was too honest.

He craved her in his bed. He had
loved the sex with her.

She was clumsy and honest out of
bed, but in bed, she wasn’t shy or timid. She asked for what she wanted, and
simply took what he didn’t give her.

After the mirrored glass was
shattered in his bedroom, he snapped out of his Valium haze, but Jordy was
already gone. But, not before he saw her face and heard her words, “Just look
at the mess I made.”

How he regretted that.

He was completely numb to Tracey,
he wasn’t even enjoying himself.  He had spent the whole tour snapping at
his boys and was purely miserable, and he knew it. And he knew it was because
he felt for her. He felt terrible about her catching him in bed with Tracey. He
hadn’t touched another girl since.

It was too low. She would never
forgive him.

They had a deal, though. She was
supposed to be ready for anything.

He knew he had hurt her and things
would never be the same.

Why are you here, Tite?

He had wanted to call her, but she
broke her phone, he had found it where she left it.

He didn’t bother her at work,
because he was too afraid to get her upset or that she would hang up on him,
making him feel stupid. He knew he had to give it time.

What she had seen was too much for
any woman to handle, even if there were no expectations.

He admitted the first day he
missed
her.

Especially now, when he got home
from the tour and his house felt empty.

He wanted to hear her laugh, or
look at him the way she did, he wanted her, period, and he knew it.

“WHAT THE FUCK TITE?” she shrieked.

“You should really lock your door,
drunken, drug addict, there could be people lurking about your home,” he tried
to sound comical, but he had to admit, he was a little afraid of how she would
react.

“Tite, I can’t handle this right
now, I am…”

“You’re what? Drinking
yourself
stupid?”

“Fuck you! What the fuck are you
doing here?”

She sat up in the tub and decided
to cover herself quickly. She stood up, almost tripping, as she grabbed a
towel.

Hauling ass into her bedroom,
barely drying herself off, she put on her tighty whities and a white tee and
sat on the bed, drying her hair.

“I can’t say anything or change
what happened,” he said, coldly.

“And I don’t want you to,” she
snapped.

She was close to drunk, but
thankful she had stopped herself.

“Jordy, I am having a party at the
studio tonight.” He looked at her. “It’s all girlfriends and wives.”

“Boo hoo, poor Titan, go fuck
yourself!”

She got up and headed for the
living room.

He grabbed her wrist very much like
he did the night they met.

“Jordy, I will not beg and I won’t
stay much longer, but if you come with me, we may be able to…”

She cut him off with her glare and
ripped her wrist away.

“I don’t give a shit if you stay or
not, Tite, and let’s just be clear. It’s not what you
did,
it’s
how
you did it. I knew I was in direct competition with half the
women in the fucking world. But, I wasn’t enough for you. A little more than an
hour after I left…, you are fucking disgusting!”

She was looking at him now, eyes
filled with tears.

 “We had the best sex, didn’t
we? Am I alone in thinking that was the best sex?”

She stopped herself.

 “Never mind, don’t tell me
shit; I have gone through this long enough. Wondering what the hell I did,
without knowing, I might as well not ever know.”

She sat on the corner of the couch
dabbing her hair.

“Really not up for a party,” she
said,
matter of fact. “But, hey, thanks for stopping by.
Always a pleasure. And as usual, your shock value remains perfectly intact.”

“If I told you I was sorry?” he
said, softly.

“I would tell you to save it,” she
said, tears streaming down her cheeks, trying to hide them from him. She pulled
her hair over her face to mask the emotion, still pretending to dry her hair.

“It was sick, so sick, it was like
you took something that was really cool, and made it disgusting. And the song
too, why were you fucking her to
that
song? Damn.”

“It was the way I thought I would
get you out of my head,” he said, boldly. “I am not defending myself. It was
stupid and low and you weren’t supposed to see it.”

“I’m glad I did!” She cut him off.

 “I wish I could rip out the
last two months of my life now, but yeah, you showed your colors and regardless
of
who
,” she stopped, looking at him, “the fuck you
are, that was fucked up. I have feelings, no matter how tough I pretend to be,
to try to dismiss them.”

Tite closed his eyes. He knew he
had lost her. He resigned to the fact but decided to go in one more time.

“I want to try, with you,” he said,
studying her carefully.

She knew exactly what it meant. She
remembered his words on the patio. “I’ve only tried once in the last five
years.”

She stood there, mouth open,
absolutely terrified at the thought of letting him back in and way more
terrified of letting him go. She loved him, she knew that. Nothing could change
it. Not even what he had done. She had no reason to expect monogamy, but she
didn’t expect to witness the opposite, either. She finally opened her mouth to
speak and then closed it again. When she opened it a second time she chose her
words carefully.

“I am ready to ask my fifth
question now.”

“Okay.”

“Why?” she asked, with a tremor in
her voice.

“Because I was mad about your ex
suing me, trying to have me arrested, and I blamed you, knowing you,” he
paused, noticing her shock.

“I took it out on you. Tony was
pissed and wanted to hurt me when I just expected him to give you away. I
really don’t blame him either, but I don’t like people trying to take my money
and that motherfucker definitely took what he could. Tracey was just a decoy, a
way to get you off my mind, it didn’t work.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

“My temper fucked this up,” he
shrugged. “It won’t go away, Jordy, I’m not sure I won’t ever stop letting it
get the best of me.”

“All of this damn drama,” she
sighed, “and it was only a week.”

She looked at him as if she
understood now.

“What did you do with my tighty
whities?”

She half smiled at him. She was
happy and she hated herself for giving in so easy. She knew it had all started
so fucked up they had nowhere to go but up.

She had never expected to see him
again, but to tell her he wanted to try a relationship?

It was still there, of course, the
chemistry, or whatever the hell it was, that had happened those few short days
at the house. It wasn’t her imagination, it was all very real. And he was here
asking her to be his what?  His girlfriend?

“I burned them in the fireplace,”
he teased and took a step toward her.

“Lets not kiss and make up here,
Tite,” she paused, “There is nothing
normal
about this situation and I
am still soaking wet. I am going to get ready, should I dress up? Dress up?”
she asked, repeating the question to indicate just how nice she needed to be.
He nodded yes and she walked into her bedroom and closed the door.

She came out a half hour later in a
mint green dress that tied behind her neck and flowed down to her ankles
outlining her breasts and her newly thin frame.

She had to have lost fifteen pounds
since the last time he saw her.

She left her hair down in sexy,
soft half curls and her grey eyes looked amazing against the dress. She had put
on bright pink lips and her eyes were black like smoke.

She looked like sex.

GOD, she looked beautiful and a
little too skinny?

He didn’t remember her being that
small, He knew she had lost some weight and knew it was his fault.

He felt bad.

Trouble, I am trouble for her!

He smiled at her and kissed her
bare shoulder and said, “That’s dressed up, dressed up baby.”

He wasn’t much for compliments but
if he said what he really thought it would come out more vulgar and that wasn’t
trying.

“So what is
trying
?” she
said, making her way to his truck.

“It means we are together, you
know?” he said, opening her door, seeing her dress swoosh as she entered the
truck. He took in a breath and leaned in over her snapping her seatbelt. He
wanted to take her back inside.

He stood there for a minute looking
at her.

He was so full of things he wanted
to say, but knew he just couldn’t do it. The days that they had spent together
had been some of the best he’d had in years.

He wasn’t done with her. He just
wanted a little more time.

“It means no Traceys or Tonys, just
us, and it means I care.”

“Alright, Tite, you’re off the
hook. I don’t want you throwing up on my dress,” she laughed at him.

“He leaned in front of her, still
on her side of the car, and propped his hand on the door. “It means monogo…,”
he faked a gag, then, “monogo blahhh.”

“HA hahahahaha, shut up, crazy,”
she laughed whole heartedly with her whole being, she was so relieved to not be
feeling so horrible. He had just said he would be faithful to
her
!

“Well that’s sad, Tite, I am not
the monogamous type,” she said coyly.

He looked up at her serious as he
had ever been. She was smiling.

“Oh well, then, you are now,” he
said, closing her door.

“So, we are together, together?
Like, ‘my boyfriend is a multi-million dollar rap star’ together?” she said in
her best valley girl voice, pleased with herself.