Timothy 02: Tim2 (8 page)

“What? No thank you? Fucking ingrates.”

“Th-thank you.” Charlie’s wife mustered. “Y-you saved us.” She said the words loud enough for me to hear them but I could tell she didn’t feel them.

“Oh I saved you all right. I saved you for myself,” I said as I brought the bat down on the windshield. The glass began to fragment as spider lines radiated out from the impact point.
Charlie was first to react as he laid into the horn again. It took two more whacks before I was able to smash his hand into bone dust. He wouldn’t be honking anything any time soon…or ever really.

The older crone in the back finally found what he was looking for; it was a gun that looked even older than him somehow. But the size of that barrel, well that gave me some pause to reconsider. It looked like I could shove Clarence’s
dick down the damn thing and have some room left over. Then, if he hadn’t been threatening me just a moment ago, I would have laughed as I watched him fumble with a powder horn. It was a black powder revolver. I’d be able to eat his fellow passengers and start on him before he had a chance to take a shot.

Well not really, but I had time enough. I walked over to that side of the car. The horn was shaking violently in his grip as he tried to get some down the barrel. One hit on the glass and I smashed through. He tried desperately to keep me from popping the lock, but a quick thrust of the bat into his teeth and he quit. Blood and bone bits leaked through his split lips, he was sobbing as I opened the door and pulled him to the pavement. The gun, if that’s what you want to call it, went clattering away.

“That’s really the best you could do?” I shouted at him.

I put my bat down and grabbed the old man, one hand deeply into his crotch the other at the nape of his neck. I strained to lift him over my head. He was hitching as I crushed his balls.

“What are you crying about? You probably haven’t busted a nut since Reagan was in office,” I told him right before I threw him to the ground.

I’m not sure what broke on him, anything short of an MRI and it would be difficult to tell. He had stopped moving and that was all that mattered for the moment.
Charlie’s wife was in full on alarm mode.

“I’ve always hated eating at loud establishments,” I told her as I yanked her into the back of the SUV by her hair. As soon as she was in range I ripped through her windpipe with my teeth. “Oh…delicious,” I said, gulping down a wet portion of her neck, my eyelids half closed as I savored the moment.

Charlie was rooted to his seat as he watched me pick his wife clean. At some point the other man had decided he didn’t like this particular eatery and had departed to areas unknown.

“Agnes, are you alright?”
Charlie was finally able to ask.

“Agnes is fantastic,” I told him. “She must be a bacon and butter eater, her clotted arteries add so much flavor and tenderness to the meat.”

Charlie merely turned back around, he had his broken and useless hand cupped in his lap; he was sobbing quietly. I left him to his mourning as I moved on to passenger number one. The old bird wasn’t nearly as tasty as Agnes. I was definitely going to take a star off my review unless Charlie could save the day. I was in such bliss I didn’t even care how dirty my shirt got. I had decided in my many human dining experiences that the liver was something to be cherished and generally I made sure to eat that last.

Charlie
had enough manners to wait patiently as I finished up with passenger number one. I was pretty full, but Hugh was like a tapeworm with a tapeworm, he’d eat until the cows came home even if there weren’t cows. 

My bowels started to seize up. “No, Hugh! I’ve got this, we’re civilized now!”

I was in front of the car dropping my trousers when I looked up. Charlie’s face was aghast. Of all the things he’d witnessed me doing tonight, this apparently was the worst.

“Do you mind?” I asked him.

I didn’t need anyone watching as I sought sweet release. It wasn’t quite as tidy of a colon clean out as I’d hoped, but my pants weren’t too bad. When you lose fifty pounds in a sitting there’s bound to be blow back.

“You ready?” I asked
Charlie, as I stood back up and fastened my pants in place.

He actually nodded. I thought that was downright decent of him.
Charlie was going to be the icing on a great cake.

“Why didn’t the zombies attack you?”
Charlie asked, his eyes never leaving mine.

“That’s a great question, do you have any theories on that?” I asked him back.

“You can’t be a zombie…you think…you talk.”

“Listen I’d love to stay and chat all night, but I’m figuring on a little pâté before I call it an evening.” 

I smacked him gently on top of the head with the bat until I cracked his skull. (Well I guess that’s not really gentle, let’s just say I wasn’t trying to end his life just yet.) I bit through the top layers of his skin and peeled back the large fragments of skull so I could get to his pink and delectable brain. Charlie was still moaning as I took my first bite. He even comically raised his right hand as I must have bit down on the appropriate nerve center.

I scooped out every last morsel. I was too full to even think about the rest of him. I got into the back seat and laid down, taking a much needed respite after expending so much energy. I hoped Clarence would keep Hugh company so that neither one would bother me.

Birds were chirping and the sun was shining when I stirred. It was like a Disney movie as I sat up. Right up until I saw the giant crow picking at some meat pieces I had left scattered around the car. It left with a disparaging squawk as I stretched and got out.

“Clarence, you still there, buddy?” I asked. He didn’t stir. “Today’s reunion day, you excited?” I goaded.

“You leave her alone,” he said weakly.

“Do you really think that’s going to happen?”

“I care for her, just let her live. There’s a billion people you can have, just let her be.”

“What fun would that be? I’m going to get her
because
you care. Well…that, and her shit of a brother shot me.”

“Please,” he sniveled.

I pretended to think about it for a moment. “Ummmm...nope. Let’s go, big guy,” I told him as I started walking back towards where my favorite body lay.

I was whistling, the bat on my shoulder, not a care in the world. I was really getting to like this new world. What more could I ask for? Plus I got to share it with my two closest friends.

***

The sun was close to directly overhead when I saw them approaching. I made sure it was only the two of them as I went back to lay my trap.

“You see him?” Anne asked her brother.

“We should have killed him yesterday. A fat-ass zombie like that roaming around, he’ll eat dozens.”

“Tyler! Don’t say such a thing.”

“Whaddaya know, I think she had something for you,” I murmured to Clarence. He was shaking in impotent rage, I mean figuratively, not literally. I was in complete control of his vast exterior.

They were turning to leave, presumably to scavenge for more supplies.

“Hugh? Gonna need the old voice back,” I told him. I would swear he was cussing at me.

It took a few moments, but after some whispering, I was convinced we had a high-pitched squeakiness that matched Clarence’s old voice.

“Help, I broke my arm!” I called out from between two houses.

“Clarence?” Anne questioned back. She was headed towards us.

“Hold on for a second, sis,” Tyler said, obviously the smarter of the two.

“It’s Clarence,” she said, trying to pull away from his grip.

“That you, Clarence? You sound a little funny,” Tyler asked.

“In a lot of pain, I was running to get away from a pack of zombies and I fell.”

“Well that sounds like Clarence,” Tyler said.

“We need to help him.” Anne pulled free.

“You just hold on a sec, sis. Clarence why don’t you come out into the light?” he shouted.

“Hurt my ankle, too, Tyler. Please help me. I think there are zombies around here,” I told him.

“You’re an idiot,” Anne told her brother as she went. “He needs our help.” Tyler reluctantly followed.

I turned away as she got closer.

“Clarence?” Anne asked apprehensively as she stared at my back. I think she could feel something different radiating off me. Probably because I didn’t have my shoulders hunched in his defeatist way.

“What’s with the clothes, freak?” Tyler asked as he caught up to his sister.

“I’m in so much pain,” I said as I rocked back and forth.

Anne got closer but was not yet within striking distance.

“Get out of here!” Spewed forth from my mouth. Clarence had somehow momentarily wrested control and gave his warning. I slammed him up against the walls of my mind, shattering him into unconsciousness.

You screw this up for me and I will make your life a living hell.

Already
is
, he told me as he cascaded into oblivion.

“Clarence…what?” Anne asked, now clearly on edge.

“Get me out of here!” I pleaded.

“You still haven’t answered me about the clothes, Clarence. You’re dressed a lot like that giant freak clown out there,” Tyler said.

“I tore my sweat pants, please help me,” I begged.

I heard Anne’s feet shuffle a step closer and then no more.

“It fucking stinks here, Clarence. Did you shit yourself?” Tyler asked callously.

“Tyler, stop it, he needs our help.”

“What he needs is a shower and a wardrobe change.”

From the sound of her voice, I could tell Anne was turned toward
s her brother as she talked.
Now or never
, I told myself as I leapt to my feet. Anne had turned at the sound of my rustling. While Anne was surprised, Tyler was far from caught unawares. He was already raising his weapon to this new threat. He was a survivor, he had adapted well to the change in the world.

Anne was young and fast and may have been able to get away had not my new face completely frozen her. Her eyes looked comically big as she tried to process what she was witnessing. She was hearing Clarence’s voice but looking at my distorted
features.

“Get the fuck out of the way, Anne!” Tyler shouted. He had seen enough to know he needed to blow my head off. Here was a true warrior, shoot first and sort out all the details later. I admired that in him and maybe I would have a little of that trait infused in me as I ate his gallbladder.

Anne wasn’t going anywhere; her brain was stuck in vapor lock.

“What happened?” she babbled.

“Did a little home plastic surgery, ordered a kit from a late night infomercial,” I said as I grabbed her.

“Anne!” Tyler yelled in panic. He had the rifle up at his shoulder.

“Be careful,” I told him. “Wouldn’t want to hurt this delicate flower.” I pinched her shoulder hard, making her wince; I also ducked down to give less of a target. “You should put that gun down before I chew through her spine,” I said as I gnashed my teeth.

“What the fuck are you?” Tyler asked, not putting his rifle down.

“It’s your old pal, Clarence,” I told him. “I mean…sure, with some upgrades and all, but the shell is all Clarence.”

“The shell?” Tyler asked, clearly confused.

“We could talk all day, but I’m getting hungry. Put the fucking weapon down or I’m going to disembowel your sister right in front of you. How pissed off would your parents be if they knew you let me spill her intestines all over the ground.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Tyler said angrily.

“Then don’t make me. Put the rifle down.”

His survival instinct was strong, so strong in fact that he was debating the loss of his own sister to save himself. He hadn’t got where he was by being stupid; he knew if he put the gun down he was as good as dead.

“Tyler, please. He’s hurting me,” Anne squealed as I tried to dig my fingers completely through her shoulder. I licked the back of her neck and bit down gently on her ear. Her bladder released.

“Fine!” Tyler said as he quickly put the rifle down and put his hands up in the air.

My haste to end his life almost cost me my own. I shoved Anne up against the side of the house and came at Tyler. I could tell he thought about fleeing, instead he reached into his coat and pulled out a weapon he must have had stashed in a shoulder holster. I charged in and pushed his arm down. The resulting shot caught me square in the stomach. It felt like a charging rhino had made contact in my mid-section. I drove forward into him and that caused him to fall over with me on top, my weight knocking the air from his lungs. He was momentarily stunned as I wrenched the pistol from his grip.

“That fucking hurt! Let’s see how you like it,” I told him as I placed a round in roughly the same location as he had drilled me. His body convulsed as it accepted the high-speed projectile. Blood started to come from his mouth. “Guess I’d better do this fast,” I told him as I removed his shirt. I could eat it and Hugh would make sure to pass it through the pipes, but why bother. I mashed my face into his stomach like I was going to eat the bullet out.

“Oh shit, did you have pancakes for breakfast?” I asked him as I came up for air. His eyes were glassed over, but he was still awake – shock was close. “I taste maple syrup,” I told him as I went back in for seconds.

Anne was trying to knock the cobwebs from her mind. The shock of Clarence’s extreme makeover, and Tyler being eaten were taking their toll on her. Tyler was rapidly cooling as his life left him. I stripped him of all his internal organs, save for the heart, I found those to be a little too tough. I was the top of the food chain. I’d eat whatever I felt like eating, no matter how much Hugh protested the waste of food.

“Is he okay?” Anne asked me as I stood and turned to her. I thought she was kidding, but nope she had gone over the edge.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine,” I assured her, as I helped her up. “We should get you back to your home.”

“We’re just going to leave him here?” she asked as we stepped over his semi-deflated carcass.

“We’ll send help back.”

“You promise, Clarence?” She was looking into my face but focusing on nothing. Her eyes – much like her mind – were a million miles away.

“Oh yeah, cross my heart,” I told her, making my free hand do a crisscross across my chest.

“You were always such a good friend,” she said as she gripped my arm.

This chick is out to lunch!
I told Clarence.
Is that why you like her?

I’ll kill you for
this!
Clarence threatened.

Whatever.

Hugh was in full on repair mode, fixing the damage the bullet had caused. The pain was still fairly intense. But the thought of being led back to Anne’s safe-house and its occupants bolstered my mood.

“Are you sure I should take you back with me?” Anne asked.

“Why wouldn’t you? I need help,” I told her.

“But you’re different.”

“Listen, you little twat, you get me back to those people so I can eat...I mean meet them. Do you understand?”

Her head nodded up and down, but there didn’t appear to be anyone at the controls.

“Shit,” I said as I smacked her hard across the face. All she managed was an ‘unh.’

“Ha!” Clarence smirked in the background. “It doesn’t look like you’re going to get what you want!”

“One way or the other I’ll get what I want Clarence. You’ll see. Tell me where the safe-house is.”

“Fuck you,” was his response.

“Fuck me? How about I fuck her?” I told Clarence as I abruptly escorted Anne to the ground by way of a hard punch to the side of the face.

“Don’t you dare, Tim!”

“Come on, what’s a little rape among friends. I’ll even let you watch. Odds are she won’t even know I’m inside her with this pea shooter,” I said as I began to untie my pant belt. “I could always eat her out.” I started laughing. “Hey that’s some funny shit, Clarence, because it’s true!”

Clarence was silent, I was waiting for him to say or try and do something. “Listen, I know you’re a deviant psychopath, sociopath, compulsive liar, but if you swear to me that you’ll let her live I will tell you how to get to the other people.”

“How many people are there?” I asked eagerly.

“Eleven now, I guess.”

I’d potentially be handing over one girl for a football team’s worth of food. “You just called me a pathological liar. What makes you think you can believe anything I have to say?”

“I’ll know if you’re lying or not.”

“Good point.” I was stalling; trying to think of a way to have my cake and eat my dessert, too. “I can’t just let her go. What if you’re shitting a bull shitter?”

“You’ll be able to tell the same way I will be able to.”

“Makes sense. Have you seen your potential girlfriend, though? She’s looped. I leave her out here and she’s a goner within an hour.”

“You need to find her a house.”

“What the fuck do I look like, Red Cross?” I yelled at him.

“Find her a house or no deal.”

“I don’t like having my hand forced, Clarence,” I growled.

“I don’t really care,” he replied. “You do this my way or we don’t do it at all.”

“Weird. She’s simultaneously your Achilles heel and your backbone. Fine, Clarence, I’ll let her live. You give me the others and I won’t touch a hair on her head.”

Clarence was quiet for a while; he was trying to ascertain if I was feeding him any lines. “I can’t find any deception in your words Tim, but they feel so slick, greasy even. I feel like I’m making a deal with the Devil and he’s a used car salesman.”

“We good then? Because these negotiations are starting to eat away at my stomach.”

“As soon as she’s safe, I’ll lead you to them.”

“Fucking tricky,” I said to him. “Didn’t see that, bet you didn’t think I was going to either. You’d really lead us into a trap? Dying is for the weak, Clarence.”

“I’d rather be dead than whatever this is,” Clarence bitched.

“Well if I’m gonna go out, it’s going to be with a smile on my face.” I pulled my pants down and started twiddling my dick between my fingers, as I stared down at the prone form of Anne. It started to do what all manipulated penises do – that was right up until images of some hundred and twelve-year-old crone began to dominate my mind. I thought my dick was going to crawl back up into my belly. I started playing harder, more mental pics of old people peppered my brain.