Read Tim Dorsey Collection #1 Online
Authors: Tim Dorsey
Tim Dorsey Collection #1 (27 page)
“Does anybody have a problem with that?…Penn and Teller?”
“We don’t have a problem with that.”
“Do we even need neighborhoods anymore?…Jewel?”
“We have to draw the line somewhere…”
“Oh, come on!…Jimmy Breslin?”
“I remember in the summer the whole neighborhood would sit outside the Fifty-sixth Precinct and open up the fire hydrants…”
“So the answer is mob rule?…Ice Cube?”
“I think there’s a double standard here…”
“Hasn’t the neighborhood been a myth for a while now, anyway?…Michael Douglas?”
“I disagree. When I was growing up, my father—”
“Mike, come on! Sex addict? Give me a break!”
“That was uncalled for.”
“Anybody got a problem with that?…David Crosby?”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Hold on. We have a phone call. It’s someone we’ve been trying to get in touch with for a while…Serge, what’s going on?”
“Same old same old. Trying to find this dentist who owes us some money.”
“Serge, I understand you’re a big advocate of family neighborhoods. You’ve heard what the celebrities have said. Are they even in the ballpark?”
“Fuck celebrities.”
(Audience gasp)
“Well
(chuckle),
that’s why we call it
Politically Incorrect…
So what’s your take? Are neighborhoods a thing of the past?”
“It’s anyone’s ball game right now. The parents have home-field advantage, but the numbers are with the pinheads.”
“I guess I know who you’re pulling for.”
“Whom.”
“(Chuckle)
Maybe we should call this ‘Grammatically Incorrect.’ ”
(Audience laughter, building to applause)
“My hat’s off to ’em. I considered starting a family myself, but I had to admit that I’m just not made of the same Right Stuff alloys like Jim and Martha.”
(Gunfire and squealing tires in the background)
“Why do you say that?”
“I’ve watched them up close. It’s a nerve-shattering daily routine raising a family with all the bozos running around today.”
“You couldn’t handle it?”
(Screaming, shattering glass)
“No way. You have to have balls of steel for that kind of work.”
“Well put.”
(Sirens, “Freeze! Police!” More gunfire)
“Bill, gotta run.”
Click.
Appreciation is due to my agent, Nat Sobel, and my editor, Henry Ferris, for patience and understanding as I proceed in my career with the grace of a blindfolded five-year-old going at a piñata.
TIM DORSEY
“IS AN INSANE COMIC ANGEL WITH URANIUM FOR BRAINS AND FIFTY HEARTBEATS A SECOND.”
James W. Hall, author of
Buzz Cut
“ROUSING…
Tim Dorsey has become quite adept at leading readers on a madcap romp through Florida’s finest and foibles, mostly its foibles…He lures the reader in with absurd humor, ludicrous situations, and even some affection for the state he calls home…Dorsey knows how to get your attention…and quite often a belly laugh.”
Chicago Tribune
“IMAGINE THE VIOLENCE OF EDNA BUCHANAN MARRIED TO THE SKEWED WORLDVIEW OF DAVE BARRY. NOW YOU’RE READY TO MEET TIM DORSEY.”
Booklist
“TWISTED FUN…A MUST READ…
The action unfolds at what some might call breakneck speed but which Dorsey fans…will quickly recognize as another sprint on the beach.”
Tampa Tribune
“BIZARRE…HILARIOUS…
It’s safe to say that there is no other state in the nation quite like Florida. It has alligator wrestling, pregnant and swinging ‘chads,’ manatees, and the largest collection of authors writing edgy, offbeat thrillers anywhere. The quirkiest of them all might be Tim Dorsey…Dorsey’s plot ricochets like a bullet in a bank vault, and there are enough squirrelly characters to fill several John Waters movies…Ultimately, Dorsey’s story shows that Florida is more than a state, it’s a state of mind—and one that could use a prescription for Lithium.”
Denver Rocky Mountain News
“A BRILLIANT SATIRIST.”
Providence Journal
“INSANELY CREATIVE…
Dorsey keeps the good bits coming…His novels feature an astounding variety of lowlifes…It’s always a blast to spend time in Serge’s company (providing you don’t make him mad).”
Albany Times-Union
“WHILE HIGH JINKS AND HUMOR ARE PARAMOUNT, Triggerfish Twist is oddly grounded in reality. These characters are spitting images of real Floridians…So what’s up with Florida? Ask Dorsey. He sees it like a native.“
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel
“CARL HIAASEN, JAMES HALL, ELMORE LEONARD…THESE GUYS FIRE BULLETS. DORSEY MAKES SURE HIS GUN IS FILLED WITH HOLLOW-POINT.”
Sarasota Herald-Tribune
“DORSEY IS COMPULSIVELY IRREVERENT AND SHOCKINGLY FUNNY…
For readers with a high threshold for prurience and violence, Dorsey’s books are definitely funny ha-ha.“
Boston Globe
“SERGE IS DORSEY’S FINEST CREATION: He may be crazy, but he knows his stuff…It’s a sweet relief to discover that Dorsey can keep up with himself. Heaven knows nobody else can.”
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel
“IT’S TOUGH TO MAKE A HOMICIDAL MANIAC A SYMPATHETIC HERO, BUT DORSEY PULLS IT OFF.”
Raleigh News & Observer
“A BLAST…We’re in Dorsey’s world here…and we wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Miami Herald
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
H
ARPER
T
ORCH
An Imprint of
HarperCollins
Publishers
10 East 53rd Street
New York, New York 10022-5299
Copyright © 2002 by Tim Dorsey
Excerpt from
The Stingray Shuffle
copyright © 2003 by Tim Dorsey
Author photograph by Janine Dorsey
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EPub Edition © OCTOBER 2009 ISBN 9780061836756
First HarperTorch paperback printing: February 2003
First William Morrow hardcover printing: May 2002
HarperCollins®, HarperTorch™, and
are trademarks of HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
Visit HarperTorch on the World Wide Web at www.harpercollins.com
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
For Janine, Erin and Kelly
The Sun will not rise, or set,
without my notice and thanks.
—W
INSLOW
H
OMER
Prologue
