Tight Knit (21 page)

“These,” I stutter and have to take a breath. I stick out my arm. She quickly sits up and runs her fingers along my tattoos.

“These scars. They aren’t all from my dad.” 

I said it. A tiny fraction of the weight that crushed my chest lifts. It’s like opening a window on a hot day. Just a little breeze. Just a little comfort.

“Oh?” Talia wasn’t expecting that. 

“After a while, the pain became a way to cope. If I focused on the physical pain, the rest would go away. The numbness would fade. I started burning myself the way he burned me.” 

Talia’s eyes get wide and I look away. I can’t bear to see her judge me. Like I judge myself.

“It made me feel alive. The pain would flood me with feeling. I had shut down. When I wanted to stop, I couldn’t. When I cut my wrist, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was just trying to make the pain go away. Even if just for a little while. I was fourteen. It was before the drugs, before this…”  I gesture widely meaning the drop and the beating and all the shit I’ve gotten myself into.

I’m silent for a long time, only the sound of my thundering heart in my ears. I feel a little better now, but I still can’t look at Talia. I’m still afraid of her reaction. I half expect her to kick me out. 

She doesn’t. She rubs my arm. That’s all. But it makes all the difference in the world. The touch doesn’t feel condescending. It doesn’t feel forced. It feels like Talia.

When I get the courage to face her, her eyes are soft. She looks concerned, but she doesn’t pity me. 

I don’t know why I thought she would run screaming. I don’t know why I thought the world would implode if I ever let those words escape me. 

Talia climbs onto me and rests her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her shoulders. She’ll realize one day how bad I am for her, but for now I am going to take any touch from her I can get. She sighs.

“My parents didn’t know how to deal with my attacks. They put me on medication when I was nine,” she says and looks up at me. I feel her breath on my face.

“I know it’s hard to believe people when they say they know how you feel, and I don’t really know how you feel. But, I know the numbness. I know what it’s like to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I also know what it’s like to finally find someone who believes in you.” 

“Gram,” I whisper and Talia squeezes my hand.

“You love her.”  It’s a statement. It’s obvious. Every good thing in my life is because of Gram.

“More than anything.” 

Talia sits back. She won’t meet my eyes. “But I meant me. That I believe in you.” 

Her words are barely a whisper, but they mean everything. I’m not sure I believe it yet, but God do I want to. I pull her closer to me. I kiss her. It makes me happy and I smile against her lips. She pulls away.

“What?” 

“So are we still broken-up?” I laugh. What a stupid word. Broken-up. Talia and I have been broken since the beginning, since before each other. 

Her cheeks turn bright red and her chin trembles, just like the first time I kissed her. I pull her back into me before she implodes. 

When she finally pulls away I stand. I am going to be really stiff but I don’t think anything is broken, and I remember where and who I am, so no concussion. She stands still by the couch and watches me. The air is thickening. I can see her thinking. Her eyes move back and forth like she’s watching a tennis match.

“Well, I suppose I should get home.” I hook my thumb into my back pocket. My casted hand hangs at my side. I suddenly feel awkward. 

Talia shifts her eyes and nods her head. I turn to walk to the entrance assuming she’ll follow me.

“Stay,” she says abruptly and I spin to face her. She looks down again.

“Stay?” Now I’m nervous. I clear my throat. I’ve never stayed before. 

“Stay,” she says again, this time her eyes are burning into me. She’s uncertain, but so am I. She grips her elbows across her stomach as if protecting herself if I say no.

“Your parents?” 

“Not home until Monday.” 

“Are you sure?” 

She nods and walks over to me, taking my hand. My heart jumps. 

Oh fuck. 

I love this girl. 

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

Talia

I smile wide as Lachlan sleeps next to me. I’ve never had anyone sleep in my bed with me except Janna. Even then I’d end up sleeping on the floor because I’d wake up and have panic attacks or night terrors and flail until I hurt her. This morning I feel calm. It feels comfortable to have him with me. I didn’t dream at all.

Nan would be proud. 

I sit straight up in bed. 

Nan. 

“Shit!” I yell and hit the comforter with my fists. My eyes well with tears. 

Lachlan rolls over and looks at me, his one eyebrow raised. 

“What’s wrong?”

I rush around my room getting dressed so fast I put my shirt on inside out, twice. I throw the shirt on the bed and tears roll down my cheeks. Lachlan presses his lips together. He gets out of bed and grabs my shoulders, his cast scratching my skin. 

“Talia?” 

“I was supposed to go see her.” I’m full out crying now, standing in my room with only a bra and jeans on while my boxer-clad kind-of boyfriend looks at me like I’m crazy. 

“When were you supposed to go see her?” he asks.

“This morning.”

Lachlan scrunches his face and glances at the clock beside my bed. It’s 3:00. 

“But,” he starts and then stops to think. I know he thinks I am a big baby when it comes to Nan, but I’m glad he doesn’t look judge-y.

“Let me drive you.” Lachlan’s voice is even and he rubs my shoulders. 

“I have my parent’s car.” I pull my shirt over my head and he stops me again, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I hug him back, my tears sliding on his bare chest. My hands slide up his back and grip his shoulders. I feel like I could touch him forever and never get sick of it, but for now I have to go.

“I want to drive you. You’re not really in the right state of mind,” he says. He has a point. I nod and kiss him fast on the cheek. 

~

I stand at the door to the hospital room, afraid to open it. I’m afraid of what I’ll see and my thoughts buzz around the worst things that could have happened. She can’t be dead. I know that for sure. My mom would have come home for that. But the negative thoughts press in. I see Nan’s frail body, pale skin and bald head. I hear her raspy breaths and tired voice. I smell the sickness and antiseptic. I feel her calloused skin.

An arm slips around my waist and Lachlan kisses the back of my neck protectively. 

“It’ll be okay, Talia. She isn’t going to be mad at you.” 

I’m not so sure. I place a shaking hand on the doorknob and push it open slowly. 

Nan is sitting on her bed, cross-legged, playing cards. She’s in a gown like usual and wearing the hat I made. Her cheeks are a little more flush and her eyes are a little brighter. She smiles a real authentic Nan smile. I just about burst out crying with all the emotion that floods my body. I’m wracked by guilt that I haven’t been to see her in so long and all the while she was getting better. 

“Tali, darling. I was wondering when I’d see you.” She smiles wider when she sees Lachlan behind me. “I sure hope you kids used protection.” 

Nan winks at Lachlan, and I stumble backwards into him. He’s laughing when he catches me and keeps me up on my feet, which are on fire along with the rest of my body.

“I’ll be in the car,” Lachlan whispers in my ear and it sends a shiver down me, which embarrasses me even further. 

Nan has a big grin on her face. “That will teach you for forgetting your Nan for a boy.” 

She winks at me this time because Lachlan is gone. Tears fill my eyes and Nan laughs.

“I’m only teasing. Come here beautiful!” She opens her arms and I crash into her, not thinking about how frail she still might be. 

I’m crying but laughing at the same time. I really wish I could get a handle on these tears some day. 

“But mom called, said not to freak out, said to check on you, I forgot.” 

Nan is stroking my hair and laughing.

“What a terrible child I have. I’m sure you freaked out too.” 

I nod and sit up. 

“Well not all news is devastating. This time the news is good. I’m done my first round of treatment. So we have to wait a little bit, and I’ll get another scan to see if it’s gone.”

I cry harder and throw my arms around her again. 

“I’m not out of the fog yet. I will still have another round of treatments, but if the spot shrunk my odds are better.” 

I squeeze her and try to pass every good feeling and happy thought I have through it because I can’t find my voice.

“That’s why I wanted you to come in, but I guess you were busy.” Her eyebrows are pulled together but she’s smiling. Her voice is playful.

I blush again. “Sorry Nan.” 

She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. 

“Don’t you be sorry. You need to stop fussing over me so much. I’m an old lady. I’ve lived a long time, and I don’t need you fussing. You’re young. You should be out having fun. But I thought you two broke up?” 

“We did.” 

“Because he beat up some boy you used to date?” 

I opened my mouth twice before sound came out. “How did you know about that?” 

“I hear things.” She raises her eyebrow. “Plus while you’re out gallivanting with the neighborhood boys, Georgina has her eyes and ears out for me.” 

Of course. 

“Speaking of Georgina, she told me that Greta approached her about the Charity Drive. Do you want to talk about that?”

I roll my eyes. 

“She’s evil, that woman. She wants to ban the group because she doesn’t like Lachlan.” 

Nan nods but she frowns.

“Greta told Georgina that she wants you to back out of the Drive. She’s fine with the rest of the ladies carrying on as normal.” 

I start to shake, Deacon didn’t tell me that. Just me? I think back to when Deacon told me. He said you… I just assumed he meant all of us. 

“Me? But I was juried in.” 

Nan shrugs. “I don’t know, darling, but she really doesn’t want you to be involved. She can’t force you out, but I just want to let you know that Georgina will be talking to you about it today.” 

“What should I do?” I start to chew on my finger and pull it out of my mouth. I can’t have a panic attack. I’ve just started to believe I can get them under control. 

“I don’t know. I can’t help you with this one. You have to do what you think is right.” 

~

I’m a thick black cloud of hate by the time I leave the hospital. My bones ache because my muscles are so tense and my arms are swinging violently. After everything that’s happened with Deacon, Janna, and Lachlan, this is the moment I decide to lose it. 

Okay, I am not really deciding to lose it, the fiery rage that rips through me is deciding. I wonder if this is how Lachlan feels when he gets mad. I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t get it out. 

Lachlan gets out of Georgina’s car, all happy looking. He notices quickly and the smile falls from his face. Now he’s walking toward me, concerned.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” 

I can’t keep it in anymore and I drop my bag on the ground and I let it all bubble over.

“What’s wrong?” I yell throwing my arms out. Lachlan looks confused. 

“That stupid fucking bitch is what’s wrong.” The words feel sharp on my tongue. I never swear because I think it’s mostly unnecessary but it feels so good to say it. Lachlan seems more confused than ever.

“She wants me out. Me! That uppity snob and her douchebag grandson want me out of the Charity Drive. I thought it was all of us. But no. Just me.” 

Lachlan tries to touch my face, and I push his hand away. 

“No, No I am so sick of people treating me like I’m a baby. I am so fucking sick of deserving to be treated that way.” I laugh and Lachlan smirks.

“You know what?” I continue pointing in his face, his smile across his whole face now. “I’m going to have my own sale.” 

I put my hands on my hips and nod my head. Lachlan’s laughing. 

“I’m going to sell my own hats. On my own. Then I’ll give the money to the Shelter as a big fat go fuck yourself.” 

I let out a huge breath and Lachlan steps up to me. I feel a thousand, no a million, times better. I feel hands on my hips and Lachlan draws my body into his.

“God, I love you.” He kisses me hard but I’m stunned. Frozen in time, my lips refuse to move while my brain catches up.

Um, what? 

I stare at him. How is it that I have the biggest meltdown ever and swear more in two minutes than I have in my entire life and still it’s Lachlan with the shock value.

He runs his thumb over my bottom lip that is hanging open, I’m sure of it. He lightly presses my jaw closed and kisses me again. 

CHAPTER THIRTY

Lachlan

When I drop Talia off at her meeting she’s still on about how she’s going to stick it to Deacon’s grandmother. I’m all for it, and I think Talia’s super hot when she’s pissed at someone other than me. She turns to me with her hand on the door handle.

 “Come in? I know you were booted from the team but I want you here,” she says. I see that I don’t get a choice. It is phrased as a question but I know Gram well enough to recognize rhetorical. 

I shut the car off and get out just as my cell phone buzzes. Talia’s face slackens and her eyes get big. My whole body tenses. We stare at each other over the car, both very aware of what this means.

“Don’t go. What are they going to do? Just don’t go. My dad’s a lawyer. I’ll get him to help you.” 

I know it’s desperate, but I want to believe her. I start to pull my hand out of my pocket. I can’t just not go.

“You don’t understand, Tali. I have to do this. Just this once and I’ll be done.”

“How do you know? How do you know they won’t just keep calling you, or coming after you? How do you know it’s over if you jump every time they call.” 

“Because if I don’t they’ll do more than just ‘beat me up’” I mock her and I see the hurt in her eyes but she needs to understand.