Tidal (30 page)

When I shook my head, he continued,

“You had an abortion?” The last word

was spoken in a whisper.

I didn’t deny it, and I didn’t

acknowledge it, I just let out a thick sigh.

“When I told my mom and dad they

freaked out. I mean, I was sixteen and”—I

hugged my arms around my stomach, as

the memories hit me—“We went to this

little clinic in Washington and I’m lying

there getting an ultrasound, scared out of

my mind. The sonographer looks up at my

mom and says ‘Looks like you’re going to

have a baby in four months’.”

“Wills—”

“I’d hidden it from them for too long

to get the abortion, so my mom sent me to

live with her step-mother in Oregon until

he was born.”

Cooper sucked in a long, hard breath

through his teeth. “And you gave him up

for adoption?”

I nodded. “Tyler didn’t care. He was

more worried about being charged with

statutory rape than whether or not I was

okay. My parents and Kevin kept telling

me it was my choice—that they weren’t

making me do anything even though I knew

they were. So I signed him away when he

was born. I signed a closed adoption and

was too fucking stupid to realize that that

meant I’d never see him again.”

Cooper came close to me, trying to

draw me into him but I shoved him away,

staggering to my feet. Yanking my jeans

down around my hips, I turned to him.

When I pulled my tank top up, his electric

blue eyes narrowed.

And my heart broke. My whole body

was shaking but I didn’t make an effort to

straighten my clothes. There was no point.

“There you go. That’s why I won’t let you

fuck me with the lights on.”

He reached forward and grabbed my

hips hard, tugging me to him and burying

his damp head into my bare skin “Don’t

say it like that,” he said in a low growl.

“Why?”

“Because you’ve never just been a

fuck to me. I love you, Wills.”

And then I slid down on the floor with

him again, and I was crying into his bare

chest. “I found out tonight that I lost my

suit against the adoption agency and then I

just lost myself. All I wanted to do was

black out and forget. Forget myself and the

baby.”

“I’m so sorry, Wills,” he whispered

into my hair, and I sobbed harder. When

there was nothing left inside of me, I

dragged myself away from him, suddenly

aware of smelling like alcohol. I’ve

never been more ashamed of myself “I’m

a wreck,” I said.

“We’ll fix you.”

He kept saying that, and it left a bitter

pang in my chest each time. “How can you

talk about fixing me when you’ve got your

own issues?” I demanded, lifting bleary

eyes to look up at him.

He closed his eyes for a moment.

“When my mum died I realized that that

it’s possible to live without someone you

love.” When I asked him what he meant,

he wrapped me back in his arms. “I love

you, Willow, but I can live without you. I

just refuse to.”

We lay there on the floor for what

seemed like an eternity before Eric

tentatively knocked on the door saying that

Miller was downstairs and wouldn’t

budge until he knew that I was okay.

Drying away the tears with the backs of

my hand I started to get up but Cooper

held me back again.

“Stay,” he said. “I don’t care if you

messed up and got drunk with Jessica. I

just need you with me.”

I nodded, gently pulling my hand from

his as I stood. Eric had an awkward

expression on his face before he turned

away from me to jog down the steps.

Miller met me at the very bottom and I

took a deep breath. “I’m alright,” I said.

He slid his teeth over the tiny gap in

the front. “You’re crying,” he pointed out.

“There were some things that needed

to be said.”

“And you’re leaving now?” he asked.

I shook my head, looking back over

my shoulder to where the light strained out

of Cooper’s bedroom door. “No, I’m

staying.”

Chapter Twenty-One

After a dreamless night, I panicked the

next morning when I felt a feather soft kiss

touch the scar on my stomach. My eyes

flew open and I caught Cooper’s messy

blonde hair in my fingers. Shaking my

head frantically to each side, I whispered,

“Don’t.”

He didn’t move and he rested his

hands on either side of my belly button,

digging the tips of his fingers softly into

my skin until I moaned. “I’m sorry about

everything that’s happened to you, Wills.”

I released a bitter laugh. “I should be

the one apologizing. I’ve been selfish and

you’ve been hurting just as much as I was.

”

He lifted his head, furrowing his

brow. “I’m fine. Maybe Dickson and I

will eventually work things out, maybe

not. The point is that I’ve learned to deal

with it.”

Sighing, I closed my eyes, arching my

back a little when he trailed little kisses

from my hip bones, to my scar, and to my

breast. He settled himself between my

legs and groaned when my phone vibrated

in the pocket of my jeans, which I’d left on

the floor last night. At first, I ignored it,

dragging his mouth down to mine, but

when it continued to ring, I pulled away

from him.

“Leave Willow alone,” Cooper said,

grinning, and he slouched back against the

pillows, watching me as I plucked my

phone out of my pants.

There were several missed calls from

my mother, a few from Kevin and a

cryptic text from Jessica.

11:16 a.m
.: Have fun explaining this
one. Leaving today. Don’t ever call me

again.

My parents called again before I could

even exit out of the message. I answered,

and it was my father who spoke up.

“There’s a fifteen minute phone call that

you made to one of your friends on
Leah

Dishes
this morning,” Dad said in a numb voice.

I felt the air slowly leave my body.

“What”

“Everything is there, kiddo.

Everything about the baby and Tyler

Leonard and your boyfriend’s secret,” he

said. “What the hell were you think—”

I disconnected the call before Dad

could get another word in and fumbled

anxiously through my call records. My

breath was puffing out of my chest in

slow, choppy gasps, and Cooper sat up in

bed, his brows knotted in concern. His

hand brushed my shoulder blades, but I

shoved it away. Finally, I found the last

call I’d made. It was to Jessica from

12:18 a.m. to 12:41 a.m.

After I’d gotten to Cooper’s place the

night before.

Cooper touched my shoulder again,

shaking it, and I flinched. “Willow, what’s

wrong?”

“I’ve fucked up.”

I punched in the web address for

Leah’s blog with prickling fingers,

ignoring Cooper’s questions. When it

popped up on the screen of my phone, I

dry-heaved. There I was at the top—the

same photo of me and Tyler that had been

posted on the site a few weeks ago—with

the headline:

AVERY SPILLS ALL ON LEONARD

LOVE CHILD

Even though I shouldn’t have, I

pressed the triangular play button over the

audio clip and released a cry when I heard

myself freaking out at Cooper last night.

His face froze. “What the fuck is

that?”

“I accidentally called Jessica while

we were arguing.”

We listened to it for a long time—to

ourselves letting out secrets we’d never

told another soul—and we didn’t say a

single words. Twelve minutes into the

audio clip, a commotion from downstairs

brought us both to our feet. Too numb to

move, I sat there, half-listening to the

recorded call, half-listening to the sounds

of Cooper’s footsteps as he shrugged into

a pair of shorts and bounded out of the

room. I heard him yelling and then Paige’s

voice, and when he returned to me a few

minutes later, his face was drawn.

“There are cameramen setting up on

the beach,” he said. “In front of my fucking

house. Jesus, Wills, I—” He caught

himself when my face fell, holding his

hands out in front of him. “It’s going to be

alright. We’re going to . . .”

I buried my face into my hands, but he

pulled them away. “I’ve got to call Miller

and—”

“He’s already here.”

I didn’t dare look at any of the faces

that surrounded me when I walked

downstairs a half an hour later wearing

the same jeans I’d worn the night before

and one of Cooper’s t-shirts. Paige and

Eric, Miller and myself sat around in

Cooper’s giant living room, while he

argued with someone—Dickson from the

sound of it—in the next room.

“Evie will be okay, alright? I—”

Cooper raged, and my shoulders sagged

even more at the mention of Dickson’s

wife. He paused for a moment and said, “I

don’t know if she’ll be. I don’t know

anything right now.”

“I want to go home,” I said.

Paige moved hesitantly forward,

kneeling down so her hazel eyes could

take me in. “I think you should stick

around, Willow,” she said in a soothing

voice.

“Miller, please just take me home.”

Cooper was still in the other room

talking to Dickson when I left, and I didn’t

interrupt to tell him I was leaving. I put on

my poker face, letting Miller guide me

through the throng of cameramen flashing

their Nikons at me—once when we left

Cooper’s place and then again when we

returned to my house.

But the second I locked the door to my

rental house behind me, I burst into tears

again. I dragged my hands through my hair

and buried my face into the suede fabric of

the couch so the paparazzo around my

rental house couldn’t hear me as I

screamed.

I screamed at myself for being so

stupid and as I sat there, rocking back and

forth, I screamed at Jessica not just for

recording such an intimate phone call but

for the tiny blue bag she’d left on my

coffee table. I balled up in the corner of

the couch and stared at it, biting my lip so

hard it bled.

When Kevin called a few minutes

later, I answered the phone, relieved at the

distraction. “I’m sorry,” I said simply,

because there was just nothing else to say.

“I’ve hurt Cooper and Dickson, and I—”

Kevin hushed me, speaking in a gentle

voice he’d only used on me a few times

before. “We’re going to do damage

control,” he said. “We’re getting the

studio and your publicist and Tyler’s—”

I shook my head, hugging myself

tighter. “There’s no damage control for

this.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “There’s

always damage control,” he said.

“I’m not doing this anymore.”

“You’ve got to.”

“I’m not,” I said. “Let them talk. Let

them say whatever. It’s the truth.”

Kevin missed a beat and then he

groaned. “I’m not going to let you do that,

Willow.”

“You don’t have a choice. I’ll call you

soon,” I promised before dropping the

call.

I grabbed the bag Jessica had left, slid

it into my pocket and walked down the

hall to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of

the bed, gripping my MacBook so hard it

was bound to break. My fingers felt numb

as I went to Leah’s website and clicked

the contact link. Leah’s grinning caricature

stared up at me, and I glared at it as I

started my message.

August 17

My name is Willow Avery.

Yes,
that
Willow Avery—
that
actress.

The one who went off the deep end three

years ago. The one whose face is

plastered all over the tabloids this

morning. They don't give a shit if there's

more to me than meets the eye, that

there's so much more to my fall from

grace, even if nobody—other than my

parents and agent—knows what that is.

Well, at least nobody knew until a few

hours ago.

And the thing is I’ve
always
cared

about what everyone thought of me, even

when it seemed like I didn’t. No matter

how hard it hurt, and no matter what I

had to give up, there was this sick part of

me that wanted approval. That still

desperately craves it. It’s just that now,

I’m not sure if I mind that everyone

knows the truth about me. Now, there's

this guy and he's not waiting for me to

screw up. He doesn’t care that I
have

screwed up . . .