TICEES (72 page)

Shan’s chest constricted, and his stomach turned. Reaching for the uniform, he brought it to his face, her scent still upon it, and his heart glazed with pain. Questions suddenly flooded into his tormented mind. Why had she agreed to be his mate when she knew it was impossible? Why did she leave Korba to begin with, and why had she deceived him for all this time?

His jaw clenched. No, she had not deceived him. She had not agreed to go back with him. She had merely expressed her love for him, knowing full well that she could not be with him in the Empire.

Shan sat up, holding his head. He had to think. He had to clear his mind, and he had to work through this mess carefully. He had to mentally calm himself and channel his fragmenting thoughts. As he gritted his teeth, his options finally spilled forth. It was simple. She was Korba’s and not his. And the only way he could have her was to challenge the Let. Shan bit into his fist. It was obviously only an implied Let, or he would be dead right now. But he also knew that it would be sheer suicide to challenge the great Warlord, and he felt a wave of nausea overtake him.

Time passed slowly as he churned through the ramifications of the bleak situation. Finally, it all came down to one thing. His first allegiance was to the Empire, and he knew now that it was paramount that he return. He had to tell the Emperor that the Lady Chelan was alive even though it would guarantee him a life of loneliness and solitude. Korba and his mate were as much the Empire as the Lord God Emperor himself, and returning her to the fold was now his mission.

Shan shivered and furrowed his brow. Despite the clarity of his task, the reason Chelan was here was even more of a mystery. But he could no longer think about it. Once she was back in the care of Korba and the Emperor, surely the whole story would come out. He would leave the very next morning, and he would not tell her of his discovery.

Shan quickly bundled everything back up into the shroud and shoved it into the crevasse. Standing, he tried to regain control of himself, calling on every fraction of Imperial training to still his quaking. He had been gone a long time, and now he hurried back to the cavern.

Chelan stood and greeted him, and as soon as he saw her smiling face he nearly crumpled. Swallowing hard, he straightened his slumping shoulders and went to her, hugging her close.

“You were gone a long time,” she whispered.

Shan looked down at her and smiled. “The ice was thicker than I thought it would be.”

“Let’s have some breakfast,” she offered, and Shan nodded.

Chelan drew a deep breath as she watched him move over to one of the meat caches. There was something different about him, something strange, and she felt her heart sink. He was hiding something from her.

Shan returned to her with the meat. Chelan took hers, but then she dropped it as she pressed up against him. She kissed him and felt the sting of his slow and guarded response.

Shan pushed back slightly and smiled. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

Chelan smiled back at him and then shook her head. She looked deep into his eyes and held his gaze. “I want to make love with you,” she stated quietly, and she saw him stiffen. He moved to embrace her, but she turned away from him and walked over to the cavern wall. “You’re leaving tomorrow, aren’t you?”

Shan nearly choked on his own words. “Yes,” he croaked.

Chelan smiled to herself. She turned and faced him, her face calm and her eyes dry. “When I said that I would be your mate, Shan, I meant it. If I had known you in a different time and place, I would have been Letted to you in a moment.”

Shan felt his knees weakening, and he sat down quickly. Chelan walked over to him and sat down in front of him. She touched his leg gently as she looked intently into his face. “You found my clothing, didn’t you?” she asked in a whisper.

Shan went to speak but immediately he became enraged, his pain overshadowing his restraint. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he shouted.

“I could not. It was, and it still is, very important that I remain anonymous. I had assumed originally that you would simply heal and leave me. I never expected us to fall in love.”

“But you are Korba’s mate!” he seethed through clenched teeth, his icy eyes piercing hers. He took several deep breaths. “You are his mate, not mine!” he shouted, causing her to startle.

“I am no longer!” she shouted back. “He is gone, and I am dead to him!”

Shan jumped to his feet. “Why did you leave him?” he demanded harshly.

Chelan scrambled to her feet. “You don’t understand.”

Shan grabbed her roughly and shook her. “Make me understand!”

“No! All that I require of you when you walk out of here tomorrow is that you not reveal my identity or whereabouts to anyone. To the Empire, I am long since dead.”

Shan was beside himself, and his fingers bit into her shoulders. His eyes were inflamed and his breathing was labored. “My allegiance is to the Empire, and you are a Warlord’s mate. Do you really think that I could return and serve the Emperor while living a lie? Do you think I would do that to Commander Korba? Do you?” he boomed.

Chelan was beginning to quake, and she tried desperately not to lose control of herself. “Then you send Korba to his death!” she yelled.

Shan recoiled from her, his eyes wide with disbelief. He started to speak, but Chelan interrupted him.

“I left the Empire to save his life!” she shouted as she clutched at her tunic. “I entered the Dead Zone with full intentions of ending my life so that he could live. It was only by some fluke of nature that my life was spared.” Chelan swallowed, and her voice softened as she pleaded with him. “Please. It is of paramount importance that I am not discovered.”

Chelan hugged herself and attempted to stay strong. “I loved him so much, Shan. Do you think I would have willingly left him if the situation had a solution? He gave me everything, his heart, his love, and his body. And it was out of my love that I left. The circumstances were grave.”

Chelan shuddered, momentarily looking away from Shan’s piercing gaze. “And I had Fremma and Dar just as deep within my soul. So do you think I would willingly accept this life, forsaking all three men”—she looked up into his eyes—“to live out my life and die in a cave on an alien planet, alone, if it was not necessary for Korba’s survival? He is the Empire’s Overlord. He has been born and bred and trained for the role that he pursues so effectively. I could no more strip him of that than I could you. When you walk out of here tomorrow, I want you to forget that we ever met. Go back to Toran and to your career, and rise to the top, Shan. I have known many Imperial men, and I know that you are more than capable.”

Chelan’s resolve was crumbling, and her shoulders slumped. She looked to the floor as she trembled. Her voice broke. “And the next time that you see Korba, alive and well, you will know that it is because of the sacrifice I made and because of your allegiance to him.” Chelan took a deep breath and faltered. “And some day, when you have healed, and when you have met an Iceanean woman worthy of you, just take one moment to remember me and my love for you. It is because of that love that I now set you free, and it is because of that love that I will survive. Please don’t hate me, Shan. I did not mean to deceive you, and I never, ever wanted to hurt you.”

Shan watched her sink to her knees, overcome by silent cries. He dropped down next to her and pulled her to him, and they clutched each other desperately for a long time.

Chelan finally pulled back from him and brushed away her tears. She looked into his grieving eyes and kissed him tenderly. She took a deep breath and then pushed back along the floor until she rested against the cavern wall. She smiled at him and beckoned to him. Shan moved to her and slumped into her lap. He hugged her legs tightly as she stroked his long, shaggy hair. Chelan spoke to him in a whisper. “I owe you an explanation, my love,” and she began.

As the stricken warrior lay in her lap, Chelan started from the beginning of her story, with her arrival on Iceanea and her plans with Korba. She left out no detail, and Shan lay quietly, his hands stoking her petal-soft skin as he listened. When she told him about Ticees, she felt him stiffen, every muscle in his body threatening to detonate, his fingers biting into her thighs. When she had finished, she closed her eyes and let her head fall back, her body and mind utterly exhausted, her emotions spent.

Shan remained still for a long time while he sorted through his own feelings. Then he released her and looked up into her weary face. “I’m sorry, Chelan,” he whispered. “I had no idea.”

Chelan continued to stare up at the cavern ceiling, and she smiled weakly. “And neither will the people of the Empire,” she uttered.

Shan hung his head. “Your secret is safe with me, my Lady.”

Chelan looked at him. “Our love was everything,” she whispered. “It was pure, it was real, and it is everlasting.” Chelan watched him, noticing the well-concealed tremors beneath the shroud. She reached out and stroked his hair. “With what we have shared, Shan, I can last a lifetime, and I will never be alone as long as you are in my thoughts.”

Shan grabbed her, hugging her fiercely. “Oh god,” he cried. “How can I live without you?”

Chelan hugged him back. “You are great,” she whispered. “Korba survives, and so shall you.”

When Shan’s emotions were completely wrung out, he looked up into her tranquil face. “I see now why Korba loved you so, my Lady. I will think of the wrong perpetrated against you each time I see Ticees and—”

“No,” she interrupted firmly. “Ticees is an exceptional, impressive, and distinguished Emperor. His only fault lay with his desire for me, and now that is over. You must continue to serve him as you always have, and if that burden is too great, then serve only Toran.”

Shan looked into her deep brown eyes. “When I return to the Empire,” he began in a whisper, “I will transfer to RIBUS 7, my Lady. I will take care of Korba for you.”

Chelan smiled, a warmth enveloping her troubled heart. “And you make sure that he takes care of you.” Chelan continued to look into his eyes, and then she reached for his face with her hands. She held him gently as she spoke. “The night before RIBUS 8 was dispatched, I spent the final hours making love with Dar. I told him that I wanted to part from him with love and warmth on my mind and in my body, not with grief and sorrow.” Chelan hesitated and her eyes burned. “It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life, and if you can forgive me, I would like to repeat that love with you.”

Shan looked at her through clouded eyes, his heart brimming and breaking at the same time. “You are a very special woman, my Lady, and nothing would please me more.”

Chelan smiled and watched him as he rose up and began removing his shroud and uniform. She stood and moved to him, kissing him tenderly. “The night will be beautiful,” she whispered.

“I know,” he replied, and they fell together.

*****

Their passion was at times frenzied and at other times tender, but the morning light came all too soon, and Shan began to prepare for his departure. As with Dar, neither of them spoke, and Chelan knew that she would not see him again.

She followed him up to the rock-ice interface, and there he waited while she slipped into her uniform and expertly sheathed her knives. Then they both retreated lower into the cavern while he breached the ice lens with the laser. Finally, they began their somber trip up to the Iceanean surface together. Shan helped her up, and for the first time since his brutal and violent arrival so long ago, they stood on the planet’s surface.

Still, neither of them spoke, as neither of them could, and Chelan sat down on the icy expanse as he began to walk away. She remained very still, watching him until he was but a faint black speck on the horizon. She waved good-bye to him, knowing that he had not looked back at her because he could not, and she smiled.

“Take care, Shan,” she whispered, and she felt a strange and serenity invade her. He was gone, just like all the others, and yet this parting was different. Chelan looked down and smiled again. “You will always be with me, Shan.” And she ran her hand over her swelling abdomen, feeling the flutter of life deep within her. She would never be alone again, and now, somehow, she felt that her tragic life was complete.

The next few months were hard on Chelan as her changing body constantly tormented her. She was always tired, and chronic nausea often lasted throughout the long Iceanean days and into the nights. She guessed that when Shan left, she was just over three Earth months along, and she had worked hard to keep her changing patterns and moods from him. It had been imperative to her that he did not know of the child, for she was afraid that he would have felt obligated to stay with her, and she could not have lived with that.

Even when she told him of Ticees’ subterfuge, she never told Shan how the Emperor had managed to track her cycles. The Iceanean men were very adept at sensing a woman’s receptivity, and for all Shan knew, Ticees possessed the same ability. To have divulged this bit of information to Shan would have been pure folly. The man was no fool. He would have deduced instantly that she was with his child.