Thy Neighbor's Wife (32 page)

tilla chips and salsa to occupy her while she waited for her lunch

date. The waitress brought her drink in its own little blue, plastic

container, showing Alex how to pour it without spilling it all over

herself. Alex smiled in delight, knowing that it would actually turn

out to be nearly four margaritas. She took her first salty-tangy sip,

sighed with relief, and looked around.

The crowd was a good size, mostly women with toddlers and

kids out of school for the summer, probably stopping in for lunch

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after a morning at the mall. The floor was a terra-cotta tile and the

open design and earthy colors were reminiscent of the southwest.

Alex pulled the Tex-Mex menu from its holder on the table and

perused the selections, trying hard not to let her mind wander back

to Jennifer and what she might be thinking at that very moment.

She sighed at the feelings of helplessness and frustration as she

crunched down on a chip, letting the spicy salsa steal her attention.

Looking out the window, she saw Nikki’s Toyota pull into the lot.

Nikki looked great and Alex found herself surprised to admit

it. It wasn’t that Nikki had looked bad before, but there was some-

thing different about her since she’d left Diane and Alex couldn’t

quite put her finger on it. She tried to, watching her ex through the

window as she walked to the front door. Nikki seemed to walk a lit-

tle prouder. Her head was held up a bit higher than Alex remem-

bered. Spotting her date from the foyer, Nikki smiled and waved. It

struck Alex at that moment how little she’d seen Nikki smile in the

previous months. She seemed so much happier now.

Nikki slid into the booth across from Alex, set down her purse,

and grabbed a chip from the bowl. She looked tan and healthy, her

brown eyes sparkling. Her curls were bouncy, the light blonde high-

lights brought out by the summer sun making them shimmer

slightly. Her khaki cargo shorts and white camp shirt hugged her

body nicely and Alex couldn’t help but grin at her as she stared.

“What?” Nikki asked, suddenly self-conscious. “Am I late?”

She looked at her watch.

“No.” Alex kept grinning. “No. It’s just…I’m sorry. I didn’t

mean to make you uncomfortable. You just…look good. That’s all.

You look great, Nick.”

Nikki blushed, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and

focused on the menu. “Thanks.”

The waitress stopped by their table and it didn’t take much

coaxing on Alex’s part to get Nikki to have a margarita with her.

“To celebrate your day off,” she said.

“You’re such a bad influence,” Nikki chided.

“Are you ready to order or would you like a few more min-

utes?” the waitress asked.

They’d been there enough times to know what they wanted, so

they went ahead and ordered.

“I’m being a good girl,” Nikki said, ordering the grilled

chicken salad.

“Not me,” Alex countered. “I prefer to feel my arteries harden

right as I’m sitting here. I’ll have the nachos, please. Hold the jalap-

enos.” Her mouth watered at the thought of all that cheese smother-

ing the plate. She picked up her glass as the waitress hurried away

with their orders. “So,” she said as she sipped. “How’s it going?

Thy Neighbor’s Wife 171

New place working out?”

“Yup. I love it. I’m doing great.”

“Any trouble from Diane?”

“Not really. I got a lot of phone calls for a while, so I just

screen most of the time.”

Alex grimaced.

“It’s okay now,” Nikki assured, a slight hint of defensiveness

creeping into her voice. “She wasn’t a psychopath or anything. I

mean, give me a little credit. She was just hurt, that’s all.”

Alex nodded, sipping again.

“You never liked her.” It was a statement, not a question, but

the smirk on Nikki’s face softened it.

“I didn’t like the way she treated you,” Alex answered honestly.

Nikki studied her drink thoughtfully, as if searching for her

next words in it. “Alex, do you know what I liked about Diane?”

Alex snorted. “Haven’t a clue.”

“I’m serious.”

“Me, too.”

Nikki held her gaze. “Diane wanted to spend time with me. She

wanted to be around me. Maybe not for the right reasons, but I

never felt like I was too needy or too smothering with her.”

Alex swallowed, her stomach doing a little flip-flop of guilt.

“Like you did with me.”

“Yeah.”

Alex examined the table. “I’m sorry, Nick.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” Nikki replied vehemently. “I’m

not here to force an apology from you. I just wanted to thank you.

I’ve learned a lot from the time we were together.” She sipped and

smiled at Alex’s look of uncertainty. “Therapy is a wonderful thing.

You know that? Understanding what makes you tick is such an

empowering feeling.”

“Is it?” Alex had her doubts, thinking that there were times she

had no desire to know what was really going on inside her own

mind. They were quiet as the waitress brought their plates. Once

she was gone, Nikki resumed the conversation.

“I’m learning so much about myself, Alex. You’d be amazed by

how much of our personality can be attributed back to our parents.”

Alex gave a sarcastic chuckle. “Oh, terrific.”

Nikki laughed, having met Alex’s mother on more than one

occasion. Then she grew serious. “I guess the most important dis-

covery I’ve made so far is the absolute necessity to speak my mind.

Not doing so is something I’ve discovered I learned from my

mother. She’s the martyr type. She loves to complain to other peo-

ple when something’s bothering her, but she doesn’t complain to the

right person. She never has the courage to face whoever is upsetting

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her and calmly say, ‘Hey, you’re upsetting me and this is why.’”

Alex nodded as she ate her nachos. She was impressed by the

determination with which Nikki spoke. She was really making some

discoveries about herself and she knew it and was embracing it.

Alex felt strangely envious.

“I fell into that same pattern,” Nikki went on. “I was always

perfectly happy to keep my mouth shut when it mattered and then

seethe about it later, usually to the people who couldn’t make a

damn bit of difference anyway. I didn’t speak up with you,” she said

softly, looking Alex in the eye. “I knew why you were leaving, but it

was easier to pretend it was my fault than to confront you on your

insecurities and fears, so that’s what I did.”

“You knew?” Alex was amazed.

Nikki chuckled at her ex’s surprised face. “You’re really not

that big a mystery, Alex. I hate to be the one to break it to you. You

didn’t contribute to or take much from our relationship because it

made you feel too vulnerable to do so. Of course, I tried to make up

for that by contributing way too much. That just made me look like

some sort of pathetic cling-on. The more I gave, the less you took. I

have this vision of me handing you things and you pushing them

back at me. And then you left me before I’d have the chance to leave

you, thereby saving yourself the inevitable pain. I suspect I wasn’t

the first one.”

Alex felt herself blush at being so easily read when she hadn’t

even been aware of what she was doing at the time. “I didn’t know it

then,” she said in a small voice. “It wasn’t intentional.”

“Oh, Alex, I know that. I’m not trying to blame you here.

Please don’t think that.” Nikki set down her fork, put her hand over

Alex’s, and ducked her head to catch Alex’s downcast gaze. “Please

don’t. That all came out a little heavy-handed, maybe because

there’s a part of me that’s still bitter about it, and I apologize. I’m

not accusing. I’m just sharing. Okay?”

Alex nodded and sipped her margarita, still stung by the accu-

racy of Nikki’s remarks. “What about Diane?”

Nikki picked up her fork and stabbed a piece of chicken. “I did

speak up with Diane. I told her how I was feeling and she didn’t get

it. She didn’t understand why I was unhappy. I tried to explain how

I was feeling like a housewife in the fifties, but she didn’t see it. She

couldn’t grasp it. She was so completely different than you were.”

She chuckled, partially with humor and partially with resentment.

“Seems I went from somebody who didn’t want to take anything

from me to somebody who took everything.”

“Now you just need to find somebody in between.”

“Exactly. And I will.” She smiled confidently.

“Yes, you will.” Alex shook her head at how much she’d under-

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estimated her ex, thinking how lucky she would make her next part-

ner. “I’m impressed with this new Nikki.”

“Oh, she’s not new. She’s just been…uncovered. She was bur-

ied for a little while.”

“Well, your therapist deserves his money.”

“Peter’s the greatest. Now I’m trying to share all my discover-

ies with my friends so they can all avoid ending up in his office

themselves.” She laughed charmingly, her eyes dancing. Then she

became a bit more somber, her stare boring into Alex. “Open your

mouth, Alex. This thing you’ve got with Jennifer isn’t going to be

easy as it is; if you can’t be honest with her about how you’re feel-

ing or what you’re thinking, you’re already doomed. I think you

know that.”

“She thinks you don’t like her.” Alex tried to steer the subject

away from Nikki’s grave tone.

“I know.” Nikki smiled wickedly. “I was very leery of her and I

wanted her to know that. We were all leery. Some of us still are.”

“‘Some of us?’” Alex gaped at her. “‘Us’ who?”

“I’ll say it again. You’re not that big a mystery, my dear. Your

friends can read you like a book.”

“Jesus.” Alex drained her glass, then refilled it from the blue

container.

“Make it work, Alex. If you love her and this is what you want,

make it work.” She studied her ex for a long time. “Do you love

her?” she asked softly.

Alex swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and

was annoyed by the tears welling in her brown eyes. She nodded.

“Have you told her that?”

Alex shook her head no and gazed out the window.

“Why not?”

Swallowing again and swiping at her face with her hand, Alex

choked out, “I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“I’m afraid that she’s talking to her husband right now and that

she’s not going to leave him. I’m afraid she’s going to decide that it

was easier to be straight. I’m afraid I was just an experiment, a fun

time. I’m afraid she doesn’t love me back. I’m afraid of being with

her and I’m afraid of losing her.”

Nikki smiled gently. “That’s a lot of fear.”

Alex snorted. “Yeah.”

“Don’t you think you need to talk to her about this stuff ?”

Alex took a deep breath, calming her racing heart. “Probably.

You know me, Nick. I’m not good at opening up.”

“You need to decide if this is what you want, if she is what you

want. If she is, you need to open up about it. That’s the only way.

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Talk to her.” Her voice was imploring.

Alex nodded, feeling a strange sense of relief. She held Nikki’s

loving gaze for a long time. “Since when did you become so wise,

hmm?”

“She’s a lucky woman, Alex.”

“Thanks, Nikki.”

* * *

Jennifer was feeling heavy.

She felt heavy, drained, and just plain worn down. She felt like

she was wading through molasses as she made her way through the

house and out the back door. It was close to dusk; the air had

cooled considerably and she grabbed a sweatshirt on her way past

the coat rack. She dragged herself to the Adirondack-style loveseat

she’d placed near her flowers and sat down with a weary sigh.

The color of the evening reflected her mood. The sky was a

slate blue/gray, the stars just beginning to twinkle into view. The

water was calm, mirroring the somberness of the sky, and it was

quiet. Jennifer sighed again and leaned her head back, closing her

eyes against the world.

She felt an impending depression weighing down on her. She

knew deep inside that she and Eric were doing the right thing, but

she also knew that few other people would see it that way. The

thought of all the inevitable crap soon to come her way—between

Dawn, the rest of Eric’s family, her own mother, and her friends,

there’d be plenty to go around—made her feel tired and part of her

wondered if it wouldn’t just be easier to stay in her old life.

Pretend to be straight.

She swallowed hard, cursing the fact that it all had to be so dif-

ficult. Why does it have to be such a big, frigging deal? she thought

angrily. If I’m happy, why should anybody care which gender I pre-

fer to sleep with? Why does it matter? But it would matter. It would

matter a lot, especially to her mother.

She thought about her life up to that point. She had always

been such a good girl. She’d done everything she was supposed to

do; she’d obeyed all the rules put upon her by those who thought

they had the right to do so. When she had slipped out of line with