Through Her Eyes (2 page)

Drowning.

Emotionally defeated.

That’s what I’m doing here in New York. I’m gasping for air while I wish for Parker to come back to me. This trip is my salvation. Like an eraser, I hope it will wipe away the previous twenty-six days and allow me to make it right.

My cheeks burn, and my shoulders slump forward. I know that one day the fog of my oblivion will recede, and reality will come crashing down on me, but that day won’t be today.

My cell phone vibrates in my pocket, and my jaw clenches. I pluck it out, slide my finger across the screen. Before I can even say hi, my friend Sophie’s voice echoes through the earpiece.

“I saw your text. What are you doing, Aria?” I purse my lips at her question.

“Looking for happiness. Trying to make it up to him,” I reply under my breath.

“You’re what?”

“I’m looking for something to make sense of the confusion in my mind. I don’t know. I can’t even breathe anymore. I need to find my happiness again and find myself. That’s what he would want. It’s just . . . how do I find happiness if I’m not sure where to look?”

“That’s the thing, Aria. You can’t
find
happiness. It’s not something you can walk into the grocery store and buy. You need to learn to love yourself and realize that some things are beyond your control. What happened with Parker isn’t your fault, and until you realize that, you will never find what you’re looking for. ”

“Easy for you to say. You’re always happy. Your life’s pretty perfect. I just . . . I can’t do this without him, Soph.”

“I know you miss him, but I don’t understand. How can you leave right now?”

“I can’t be here. You have no idea how hard it is to be here when I can’t talk to Parker. I just need to get away.”

“He’s not gone, Aria.”

“He might as well be. It’s not like he’ll talk to me.” I cast my eyes downward. My gaze lands at my feet as I let out an audible sigh.

“Have you told your parents you’re leaving?”

“No.”

“Don’t you think you should mention it to them?”

Hell no
. The fact is, I’m afraid of
her
reaction. Being around my mom is like waiting for a bomb to explode . . . or
im
plode. No, she won’t care. Her only love is the bottle. And Owen. But since he’s gone, she only has time for the amber liquid that brings her solace. And my father . . . he won’t even notice I’m gone.

“Why? It won’t change anything. I’m still planning to leave, and it’s not like they’ll care. It never concerned them where I was. Parker was the only one who gave a damn.” It’s a sad truth, but it’s my truth, unfortunately. Without Park, I have no one. As much as I love Sophie, our friendship is only a few years old. She doesn’t understand the history.

“I care,” she says, and she does. I know this. She just isn’t who I need right now. There’s only one person who can calm me, and he isn’t here to soothe my nerves. Parker would know just the right thing to tell me, the perfect joke to make me smile and if I started to cry, he’s the only person who would hold me just the right way to stop my tears.

“That’s different.” I lower my head and stare off across the floor. My vision focuses on a piece of lint. The need to mentally distance myself from this conversation takes over.

“How is it different?” she asks, pulling my attention back.

“Park was the only one here for me after Owen was gone. He brought me back to myself. He taught me how to breathe again. Without him, I can’t even exhale. I’m not sure how to do it again.”

There’s a pause on the phone line. All I can hear is the steady rhythm of Sophie’s breathing. “Where are you planning to go?” she finally asks.

“On our trip. The one he planned.”

“You can’t keep running away, Aria.”

“Don’t you see? I have to go. I can’t stand the uncertainty. I can’t stand the waiting to see what will happen. I can’t stand the fighting that’s going on here. I need to leave.”

“This is what you always do, Aria. When things get hard, you run. You did it in college when you avoided speaking to your parents rather than confront them for how they treated you, and you’re doing it now.” Her voice is serious, and I hate myself for putting that tone there.

“I . . . I just can’t be here, okay? Please support me on this,” I stammer.

“Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?” She lets out a long breath that makes my heart lurch in my chest.

“No.” There’s nothing anyone can do to change this. Other than a miracle or divine intervention, I’m getting on that plane.

“Do you want me to come along?” There’s no mistaking the concern in her voice. I hold my breath, then let out a long, painful exhale.

“This is something I need to do alone.”

“Listen, babe, I know you’re sad, but you really can’t—” Knowing what she’s going to say, I cut her off before she can finish.

“I just feel so displaced in my life without him.”

“So you’re just up and leaving?” she asks. Placing my finger nervously in my mouth, I think of how I should answer.

“This is what he’d want. I feel like I need to do this to make up for . . . ”

“Make up for what?”

“Nothing. Plus, being here right now is tearing me in two.” I feel dead inside, but I don’t need to tell her that. That will only worry her more.

“And you think running away will fix that?”

“Yeah, I do. Parker always said I needed to do this, so I am.”

“Aria, I don’t think that’s what you need. I think you need to see someone. Talk about your emotions. I don’t think traveling around Europe will help you.” She’s probably right, but then I have to admit what I did, and that isn’t going to happen.

“I love you, Sophie, but nothing you can say will change my mind. I’m getting on this plane.” I smile weakly to myself. It’s true—nothing will change that I need to do this. If not for me, then at least I’ve got to for Parker.

“Will you promise to call me, at least? I’m freaking out that you’re doing this.”

My shoulders tense, and I knead my temples. I have to tell her, but I can’t think straight.

“I’m actually considering going off the grid for a while. I need to get away from everything here, and I don’t think having constant updates will help me.”

“That’s insane! Have you lost your mind?” She’ll never know how lost I am. I don’t even think it’s possible to make her understand how I feel. This is the only option.

“Yeah. Yeah, I have.” My voice cracks into the phone.

“I’m so sorry, babe. That was insensitive. Just . . . please, Aria. What if something happens? Won’t you want to get back? Please can you just check in? Check your texts. Okay?” she pleads, and I know she’s right. I have to check in just in case there’s any news. I have to keep in contact. It’s only right to reach out to Sophie. Ever since I met her in college, she has been there for me. Through every fight with my mom and every tear I shed over Park. The least I can do is keep her from worrying too much.

“You’re right, I’ll send the occasional text checking in. It might not be every day, okay? I need some time to quiet the voices wreaking havoc in my brain. I have to try to find me.” I’m not completely sure how I hope to accomplish this, but I need to get away and change something, and at least this is a start. “But I promise to check in.”

“That works for me. Also, can you promise me you’ll be safe?” I think I can hear her sniffle in the phone.

“I promise. Of course I will be. It’s not like I’ll be staying in a shady youth hostel like in one of those horror movies where they kill all the tourists.” I laugh, an attempt to lighten the mood, but it comes out spotty as I hold back the tears threatening to expel. “God, I just wish he was coming with me. This was his plan.” The thought of going alone terrifies me, but as Parker often told me, ‘Sometimes you just have to face your fears.’ This is what he’d want, so I’m going to do it.

“I know, honey. It will be okay. You will be okay.” I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. A person can only break so many times before they can no longer be mended. But still, a sliver of hope lives within me, or I wouldn’t be setting off on this trip.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay, I have to get going, Soph. I’ll keep in touch and please if anything at all happens. If I need to come home for any reason, text me and I’ll get on the first plane. Okay, I do have to run. Love you.”

“I love you, too,” I hit the end button. I reach into my oversized carry-on bag and pull out the New York City postcard I bought in the gift store. Growing up, Parker and I always sent postcards. When I was away at camp, I waited for them to arrive. Tales of his summer travels around the globe . . . Going on a safari in South Africa, hiking the Andes, and dancing in the streets of Rio during Carnival. The list went on and on . . .

Parker and I lived very different lives. While he traveled the world with parents who doted on him, I did not. After my brother’s death, I was ignored. Shipped off to camp. My mother was shipped off to a posh “spa” to dry out, and my father lost himself in running his empire. So, I collected postcards over the years from far off places I could only ever hope to travel to.

I pull out my pen and write.

Dear Park,

I know you won’t speak to me, but I wanted to tell you I’m leaving. I can’t stand the uncertainty, the not knowing. I feel like I’m suffocating. I lied to you when I said I didn’t love you. I do love you. I was just too scared and not strong enough to admit it. But I’m going to change that. I’m going on our trip to learn to be the person you love. Two nights in London, then off to Castello Del Nero. Exactly as we planned. I know this is my fault, but I hope one day you can forgive me.

Yours always,

Ari

I rock back and forth as I clench the postcard between my fingers. It slips from my trembling hand as a scene from so long ago plays before me.

The light trickled in through the shades pulled up haphazardly in Park’s room. His tall, lanky body stood only a few feet away. I smiled at him, and he smiled back at me as I made my way further into the room.

“Your mom let me in. What are you doing?” Parker stood in front of the far wall of his room. His hand lifted as he poked something on the wall.

“I’m plotting all the places I’m going.”

“What do you mean?” I tilted my head to the side to get a better look, but I couldn’t make out what he was doing. I took a few steps closer.

“This summer when you’re at camp, my parents are going to take me to Europe with them. It’s our big summer adventure. It’s going to be unreal.”

From my new position, I looked again at the wall, which was no longer blocked by his stance, and noticed a large map taped to it. Red, green, and yellow pins were spread across in no particular pattern.

“So, what’s all this mean?” I gestured to the map.

“Green is where we’re going, Yellow is where I want to go. Red is where I’ve been.”

“Wow, you’re going to all these places in Europe? Your parents are so cool. Mine just ship me off.” And that was the truth. Ever since Owen died, there was no room for me in their house, their lives. Not that there ever really had been.

“One day, Aria. We’ll go together. All these places, all these adventures, they will be ours. You and me, kid.” My heart crushed to my chest at the reference . . . kid. That’s all I would ever be to him . . . Owen’s kid sister.

“Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight 595 to London Heathrow. We now invite those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance to begin boarding at this time. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes time. Thank you.”

Swiping the tear dripping down my cheek, I make my way to the plane. Before I get on, I head over to the woman smiling brightly behind the boarding counter.

“Good afternoon. How can I help you today?” She smiles brightly at me as her fingers lightly tap on the computer in front of her.

“I know this is a strange request, but I wondered if you wouldn’t mind sending this out for me?”

“That’s no problem at all.” Reaching across the counter, I hand her the postcard. My movements are hesitant as an aching feeling grows in my chest. I wish I were able to say goodbye in person, but this will have to do. She looks over the image of the lights of the Brooklyn Bridge glimmering against the backdrop of New York City.

“It will go out tonight.” The corners of her eyes crinkle as she turns around and glances at the mailing address and postage. “Should be there tomorrow.”

“Perfect. Thank you so much.”

When they call first class, I move toward the jetway. With each step I take, I watch my feet hit the dull, grey pathway leading up to the plane. The continuous clatter of my rolling bag’s wheels squeaking against the floor echoes in the narrow corridor as I make my approach. Once on board, I make it to my seat, but like some cosmic comedy, fifteen minutes later everyone is directed to deplane . . .
mechanical issues.
I wonder if this is divine intervention. Maybe I’m wrong to run away. Maybe I should face what troubles me.

My heart thrums to the beat of my steps as I exit the plane. My gaze looks past the seats and in the direction of the airport exit. The hair on the back of my neck stands on edge.
Maybe I shouldn’t be going. Maybe I should face my fears.
My body turns toward the exit and with slow steps I begin to head away from the gate.
From the corner of my eye I see a couple embrace and my stomach drops.
No. I have to leave.
Reluctantly I sit and my knee begins to bounce uncontrollably as I continue to take in the room around me. Airports are like no place else in the world. Joy, fear, trepidation, and in my case, sadness, fill the room.

Everyone has a story.

I look over and see a young girl. She appears to be about four years old. Her chestnut hair is pulled up into two lopsided pigtails, and she bounces up and down in her seat. Our eyes meet, and I see hers light up with excitement. They twinkle a delicate shade of green that reminds me of a child’s watercolor painting. The emotions radiating off her could be contagious, but I don’t feel the same way she does. For the first time in forever, I feel something other than the sadness that has been burdening my heart. My feelings match her eyes—green with envy. I’m jealous of a little girl. Her life is so innocent and she has yet to feel real pain.