Three Sisters (25 page)

Being young, Yuxiu had a healthy appetite, and before a month had passed, she realized to her horror that her belly was growing at a frenzied pace and was now bulging noticeably. The baby inside, as if responding to her encouragement, had begun misbehaving, kicking here with little feet and thumping there with tiny hands. She reacted to the movements with an indescribable sense of affection, but this was overshadowed by panic. That little lump inside her was a person, one who slashed and gladdened her heart at the same time. Yuxiu went to tell Little Tang, even pulling up her top to show her belly there in the bookkeeping office. Surprised by what she saw, Little Tang sighed and said, "It's all my fault. I was too anxious and gave you too much nutrition too soon." But how could anyone blame Aunty Little Tang?

Yuxiu's special nutritional regimen came to a halt that day, but her belly was like cadre assignments, which always grow, never shrink. Since her blouse could barely cover her belly, she cleverly wrapped it with a sash she fashioned out of lengths of fabric.

"Aunty Little Tang, you won't tell anyone, will you?" she asked, clearly anxious. Little Tang was so upset she turned her back on Yuxiu and wept once again. Knowing she'd said the wrong thing, Yuxiu apologized abjectly for doubting her and, with great effort, managed to stop Little Tang's tears.

The ideal solution, in Little Tang's view, was to go to the hospital, but timing was the key. Obviously, going too late was out of the question, but too early was nearly as bad. That sounded right, but Little Tang could not decide when the timing was right, and, since Yuxiu could not possibly know, she placed her faith in Aunty Little Tang. All she could do was nudge Little Tang every once in a while, but not too often, for fear that this might be misread as a lack of trust. Little Tang, for her part, had her own difficulties. She told Yuxiu that she'd gone to the hospital several times without entering and beat a hasty retreat the moment she saw the doctors. If she'd said what she was there for, Yuxiu's secret would be out. "You have no idea how bad doctors are at keeping secrets. They'll talk for sure," she said. That sounded convincing and reasonable to Yuxiu, who was appreciative of Aunty Little Tang's attention to every little detail.

But a few days later, Yuxiu decided that she no longer had the luxury of worrying about that. "Go ahead, tell the doctors," she said. "They'll need to know sooner or later anyway."

The days turned progressively cooler until the air was downright cold; for Yuxiu, that was a blessing. If not for the early arrival of winter, the changes in her body would have been obvious. So heaven had kindly dropped the temperature precipitously after a wintry rain, making it natural for her to put on her yellow overcoat. The weather warmed up for a few days after that, but the overcoat was not so out of place that it invited questions. That, unfortunately, was the only good news. Emotionally, the pressure did not lessen; if anything, it got worse because she learned that she could no longer rely on help from Little Tang.

Little Tang made a special trip to see Yuxiu, and the moment Yuxiu saw her puffy eyes, she knew that something was terribly wrong. Little Tang told Yuxiu everything, how she'd gone to the hospital and sought out the director, but before Yuxiu's name even came up, the director turned suspicious. She said, "He asked me if my son had been 'fooling around' and 'made someone's belly big.'" She continued, "I'm a mother myself, what could I say?" Little Tang looked miserable and felt guilty about her selfishness as a mother; she was so unhappy she could not look Yuxiu in the eye.

Despite her feelings of despair, Yuxiu was mature enough to understand Little Tang's predicament and knew she could not ask her to sacrifice her son for her sake. No mother would do that, for this was a matter of "personal conduct," something that could have a permanent impact on a person's future. Yuxiu had acted improperly at Little Tang's house once, leaving a bad impression. She felt terrible about the incident, and now, if Gao Wei were to be held responsible for what she'd done, heaven would strike her dead. Finding it impossible to lend any more help, Little Tang sobbed silently in front of Yuxiu, who felt guilty in the presence of Little Tang's tear-streaked face; self-loathing rose up inside her; her conscience was under attack. Little Tang's assistance had turned into a dead end, which meant that Yuxiu had reached a dead end, too. She wiped the tears from Little Tang's face and said to herself,
Aunty, I'll have to wait till my next life to repay your kindness.

This, in fact, was not the first time Yuxiu had thought about taking her own life. It was not a good end, but it was a way out. Seen from any angle, dying was a solution. She'd frightened herself when the thought first had occurred to her, but then a door opened in her mind and the fear disappeared.
Once you close your eyes,
she thought,
you won't know anything anymore, so what's there to be afraid of?

The idea brought relief and cheered her up a bit to her surprise. With her mind settled, she began to consider the possibilities, the first of which was the well in the yard in front of her office building, a deep, dark well. But she gave up on that after much thought because the blackness of the well seemed scarier than death. So what about hanging? No, she couldn't bring herself to do that either. Back in Wang Family Village, she'd seen a hanging corpse with blood oozing from the nostrils, upturned eyes, and a protruding tongue; it was a horrible sight. Yuxiu was too pretty to do that to herself, for even if she were to turn into a ghost, she wanted to be an attractive one. In the end, it came down to the water right there in front of the purchasing station. It was a good location, wide open with clear water; it was where she worked, and the retaining wall was neat and well constructed.

Now that her mind was made up, she was no longer in a hurry to die. Relieved, she wanted to enjoy a few good days. If she lived another day, she'd enjoy life one more day; in fact, it would be a stolen day since she considered herself already dead. Finally she was able to get a good night's sleep and relish what she ate. The rice tasted better, the noodles tasted better, the steamed buns tasted better, even the peanuts and radishes tasted better; every bite brought her pleasure and enjoyment. Water tasted sweeter than ever. Yuxiu had a revelation: Life is good. There were so many things to enjoy, why hadn't she noticed them before? Once she began to take notice, every second and every minute felt different; she savored them all and, feeling the enticement of life, was suddenly unwilling to part with it. She began to cherish life again, which in turn brought her heartache. The biggest enemy of death is not the fear of death but the desire to live. It's great to be alive. It's wonderful to be alive! If not for her embarrassing belly, she'd rather, as the saying goes, "Plod along in this world than be buried in the earth beneath it."

But her belly kept growing, bigger and bigger. Even with the overcoat, she still had to wrap it with a sash every morning, and she could not be too careful; the slightest misstep would be disastrous. Having her belly cinched like that did not actually hurt, but sometimes it made breathing difficult, which was worse. She could exhale but not inhale, since the air she sucked in was blocked, and that caused great discomfort. After all, breathing is different from everything else; you cannot stop, you rely on it every second of your life. For Yuxiu, some aspects of life had become the worst kind of torture. After nightfall, she'd relax a bit by secretly untying the sash and taking deep breaths; she felt wonderful and free, and it seemed that every pore in her body was thanking her. No amount of gold or silver could have bought such comfort. But feeling comfortable was one thing; her appearance was another.

She could not bear to look at herself.
You call that a figure? Is that really Yuxiu?
She was a startling, scary sight to herself. She could not see her feet. They were blocked by a bulge, a protrusion that stretched her belly into a round, thin, inky, ugly balloon that would pop if pricked with a needle. With the belly unbound, the naughty little imp inside was so happy it couldn't keep its little paws quiet. It even knew how to tease her. When she put her hand on the left side, it would rush over to kick that spot, as if to remind her that it was still there. When she moved her hand to the right, it took no time for the imp to rush over and give her another kick, as if inviting her to come in for a visit. So she moved her hand around, left and right, here and there, sending the imp into a flurry of movement until, exhausted and upset, it began to ignore her.

She whispered to herself, "Come, come over to Mama." Never imagining that she would say something like that, Yuxiu was shocked and stunned by how she had blurted out the word "Mama." She froze at the thought. But Yuxiu
was
going to be a mother. Tender feelings rose up inside, causing her shoulders to sag, as if she were gradually swirling into herself, one eddy after another. She seemed to be on the verge of total collapse as she thought to herself,
Yuxiu, you're soon to be a mother; you're going to have your own child.
Her heart constricted, nearly crushed by the thought. She could not face herself; she simply couldn't. She sat vacantly on the edge of the bed for a long time before snatching up the sash, wrapping it around her belly, and pulling at it, tighter and tighter, as if to crush herself. "Don't move again. Do you hear me?" she said to her belly. "It's your fault, and I'm going to crush you."

While she wanted to hate the baby, nothing could subdue the love she felt for it; they were bound by flesh and blood. Sometimes she'd think about only herself and at other times about the baby; she was happy sometimes and anguished at others. In the end, she could no longer tell how she felt. She was lost. She had originally planned to enjoy a pleasant New Year's holiday, since it wasn't far off and wouldn't last long. When it was over, she'd steel herself and end it all. But she abruptly changed her mind because she could not and would not live on. She was too tired and near the point of exhaustion and fatigue; a single day began to feel like a year. If she couldn't go on, then why force the issue? Why not end it early and save herself all that trouble? So one evening, when dinner was over, she finished her chores, hummed a few lines of Henan opera, and chatted briefly with Yumi. Then she locked herself in the room behind the kitchen, where she began combing and braiding her hair, making sure the braids were tight so they would not come loose in a strong wind or become unraveled from the motion of rolling waves. It would be terrible if her hair spread out in the water and gave her a crazed look. When her hair was done, she wrapped her wages in a piece of cloth and tucked the bundle under her pillow so Yumi could buy some nice clothes for her. She laid down the house key, turned out the light, and walked over to the cement pier at the grain-purchasing station.

The night sky was black; the air freezing cold. The wide river flowed past the station; a lake stood off in the distance. Nothing stirred on the surface of the water except the flickering lights on a couple of fishing boats, creating a static, gloomy chill. Yuxiu shivered as she walked down the cement steps all the way to the water's edge, where she dipped her right foot in to see how cold it was. An icy chill bored into her bones and quickly spread through her body. She pulled her foot out and stepped backward. But only for a moment.
Don't tell me you're afraid of the cold,
she mocked herself.
You're here to die, so go ahead.

She took four steps into the water, stopping when it reached her knees and looking out at the eerie dark surface; there was nothing to see, but she sensed an empty vastness, a submerging depth. Tiny wavelets beat at the legs of her pants like small hands grabbing at her. Tiny hands that filled the watery depth reached out for her, each with many furry fingers cramming their way into her heart. A bone-piercing panic sent her back to dry land, where, because of her big belly, she fell the moment she reached the steps. Sprawled on the ground, she gulped down mouthfuls of air before she could get up and walk back toward the water. This time she did not get far before her thoughts grew tangled and she was gripped by fear. She managed only two steps.

Throw yourself in,
she demanded.
Go ahead, do it and everything will be fine.
She couldn't do it. The terror of dying is the most intense right at the moment before death. Yuxiu shook all over, desperately wishing there was someone to push her. Standing up to her knees in water, she exhausted her courage and returned to dry land in despair. Death, naturally, begets greater despondence than life. But sometimes the reverse is true.

The purchasing station held a secret, which was that everyone at the station knew Yuxiu's secret. And that meant that all of Broken Bridge held a secret, which was that everyone in town knew Yuxiu's secret. She assumed that no one knew, but they all did. This is generally how private matters are treated. It is as if they were screened by a sheet of paper so flimsy it cannot withstand a simple poke but so sturdy that everyone will avoid it. Only country folk are so uncouth and impatient that they need to get to the bottom of things at once. Townsfolk aren't like that at all. Some things are not meant to be poked open; exposing them spoils the fun. What's the hurry? You cannot wrap fire in paper; sooner or later it will burn through and everything will be exposed. That is more spectacular, more appealing.

So everyone in Broken Bridge waited patiently; they were in no hurry. One fine day our comrades will reveal themselves, so let's wait and see. It won't take long. Why be in such a hurry if they're not? Really, there's no need.

The winter of 1971 was bitterly cold, particularly at the purchasing station, where the open space let the wind blow in from all directions. During lunch breaks the older employees preferred to stand in front of the wall, facing the sun for warmth. But not the younger ones—they had their own ways to keep warm. They gathered in groups in an open space to play shuttlecock or jump rope or play hawk catching a chicken. Yuxiu told everyone that she did not know how to play shuttlecock, but she actively participated in jumping rope and worked hard at hawk catching a chicken because that was a way to show that she was like everyone else. She tried her best, but her bulging clumsiness was revealed for all to see. It was a sight they enjoyed. She did relatively well jumping rope since that was something she could do alone. Hawk catching a chicken was different because it required the cooperation and coordination of all the "chickens." As part of the group, Yuxiu's obvious difference made her the weakest link, and this always led to the group's defeat. But the people preferred watching her play hawk catching a chicken over jumping rope, especially when she was last in line. The sluggish "tail" became the hawk's favorite target. But it was in no hurry to catch her; instead, just when it was about to get her in its clutches, it turned and attacked from the other side. As a result, Yuxiu was forced to keep dashing around without ever being able to catch up with the rest of the "chickens."