Three, Four...Better Lock Your Door (12 page)

Why she had ended up like this, she wasn't sure. But it had started many years ago. Twenty years ago to be exact. She still remembered it vividly. The craving had come like a pulse from inside. Whenever she had thought about ... whenever she had thought about what she had done. That was when the longing for comfort had started. She had suddenly begun overeating, just stuffing her face with whatever was in the fridge or the cabinets. Then she went out to buy more to eat in front of the TV, alone while crying. The crying would make her eat even more. She would eat till she couldn't feel the desire to cry anymore, till she felt nothing at all, only the wonderful peaceful sensation of complete numbness. That was the fix she was looking for when she ate: to be utterly emotionless.

She only wanted all the unhealthy stuff. It was never carrots or apples or just normal food that she craved. It was only the greasy stuff, the things packed with sugar or fat that would comfort her. It did make her feel better - at least for a little while. Then the craving would return and she would start all over.

It had only taken her a few months to get really fat. Then she had lost her job and soon the ability to work at all. Now she received welfare from the state. It wasn't much, just enough to pay for her enormous consumption. Now she never had to move except to go shopping for more food every now and then. That was the worst part, the getting up, walking all the way, the stares and little children pointing their fingers at her. Linda knew she was a monster in their eyes and she loathed herself just as much as they did.

Fat Linda turned off the TV and exhaled. Even bathing had become quite the challenge. But it had to be done, and Fat Linda had started smelling from between the rapidly growing folds of flesh on her body. There were places she wasn't even able to reach anymore. Her social-worker had realized that it was a problem and signed her up for help. Now they sent some guy every week to give her a bath. It was embarrassing for Fat Linda not to be able to take care of herself anymore at the age of only forty-six. But she didn't know how to reverse things. She didn't know how to get back to real life. She didn't even know if she wanted to anymore. She had been away too long and it was too late for her. Besides, you couldn't reverse things done in the past. That much she knew, she thought as there was a knock on the door.

Fat Linda never even bothered to lock the door anymore, since it had become so hard to get up from her chair lately. Now she left it open so the pizza delivery guy could just walk right in and place her food on the table.

"Come on in," she yelled.

The handle turned and the door opened slowly. A face appeared. He was smiling. Fat Linda smiled back. Even if bathing had become a problem for Fat Linda, she truly enjoyed her new friend that the social worker had sent to help her out.

"Ready for your bath?" he asked and walked closer.

Fat Linda nodded and reached out her hand. "If you could just ..."

The man stepped closer and grabbed her hand. A shiver went through her body. She hadn't been with a man in many years.

He strained himself as he pulled her arms and helped her get out of the chair. Then he helped her waddle out to the bathroom.

C
HAPTER 20

F
AT
L
INDA REALLY LIKED
Svend, maybe even so much that the thought to stop overeating for his sake went through her mind as he undressed her. He pulled her shapeless dress over her head and then he pulled off her bra and panties. He was always so gentle with her and made sure she was comfortable. What she liked the most about him was that he never seemed to dislike her or what she looked like. He didn't look at her with disgust like she was used to. He even smiled when he saw her naked and it sometimes made her blush. He made her feel things she hadn't felt in years.

The water was running in the bathtub filling it up. Svend had put in bubbles for her and bath salts to make her feel good. He held her hand to support her and helped her to slowly sink into the hot bubbly water.

Fat Linda closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as the water covered her huge body and made it feel light for once, like she was much smaller than she really was. Her knees ached from carrying all that extra weight and her heart was racing in her chest from merely moving, but it was only for a few seconds more. The bath would calm her body down.

Svend had brought a couple of red candles that he now lit and then shut off the light in the bathroom.

"There you go. This is much nicer," he said. "Enjoying it?"

"Mmm," she nodded with her eyes closed.

In her mind she was twenty-five again and she had just met Jonathan. He was tall and handsome and he liked her. He took her dancing, he took her to expensive restaurants and he met her parents. They took bicycle rides and picnicked in the forest. They laughed and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Jonathan was the love of Fat Linda's life. The one and only love she had ever encountered.

Fat Linda opened her eyes as Svend started washing her body with a washcloth. It felt so good, but at the same time she was extremely embarrassed as she felt him lift her folds of flesh to wash underneath them. She felt a pinch in her stomach when she realized that his hand almost disappeared under her skin. Like it was swallowed by her fatty lumps. She closed her eyes again and leaned her head back. Oh how she loathed herself and what she had become. But she could not go back. She could never be who she used to be. No Fat Linda had chosen this life for herself and now she had to live it until her body couldn't sustain it any longer, till it gave up. She deserved it for what she had done. It was only just.

"There, you're all clean," Svend interrupted her chain of thoughts.

Fat Linda opened her eyes. Svend smiled. It was a smile of mercy and pity, not love.

He doesn't like you; she heard that small thin voice in her mind say. Nobody does. Nobody ever will. You're not worth loving. Not anymore. You never will be again.

Fat Linda exhaled and watched Svend as he pulled out something from his bag. It was a book. He smiled politely as he sat on a chair next to her. She was just another job to him. Another pathetic patient who needed his help. Fat Linda knew that better than anybody. She had been like him when she had been a nurse. She had smiled the same way to her patients and let them know that they were liked and that she wasn't disgusted by them. She spoke in a nice tone of voice and made them believe she really cared about them. But she didn't. How could she? Who could care about someone like them? Nobody wanted them. Still they hadn't deserved what they had done to them.

"What are you reading?" Fat Linda asked.

Svend smiled again. "It's called
Under the burning sun
," he said. "It's really good."

Fat Linda smiled and nodded. She used to read, she loved reading. Romance novels mostly. Maybe it would bring her some joy back in her life if she tried to read again? The thought of once again escaping into different worlds and becoming different people intrigued her immensely. She needed the escape. The food just didn't do it for her any longer. Not like it used to.

"If you'd like I could get you some books from the library next time I come," Svend said as if he had read her mind.

"I’d like that a lot," Fat Linda said feeling a warmth rise inside of her by his kindness.

Svend looked at his watch. Then he got up from the chair. "You know what? I’ve totally lost track of time. I'd better get you up now. I have another patient that I have to be with in five minutes. I'm so sorry but you know we don't have long between visits in Home Care. Here let me take your hand and help you up."

Fat Linda sighed. She was really enjoying soaking in the hot water. It was such a nice change from just sitting and eating and watching TV.

Svend tilted his head. "Are you coming?" he said.

Fat Linda shook her head. "No. I want to stay. Go ahead and see your other patients, I'll get out on my own."

Svend looked at her with disbelief.

"It's okay, damn it," she said. "I'm forty-six years old. I should be able to get out of my bath on my own. You've done what you needed to do. You've washed me in places I can't reach. Now I want to do this on my own. I know I can. I don't want to be helpless for the rest of my life. I want to be able to do stuff on my own. I want to get out of this huge body that I don't even recognize anymore. I want to get back to who I used to be. I want to get better."

Fat Linda was crying now.

Svend kneeled next to her and held her hand. "You have no idea how excited I am to hear that," he said. "I’ll tell Louise, your social worker, and let her know that you're ready to move on with your life." He padded her voluptuous arm gently. "This is really good, Linda. You have an entire life ahead of you and you should be able to enjoy it."

"Now just leave me alone," she said sobbing.

"Are you sure? I still have a few minutes left."

"Just go. I’m fine. I want to do this."

Svend hesitated. Then he got up. "As you wish," he said.

He grabbed his backpack from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. "See you next Sunday, then?"

Fat Linda nodded and Svend left her in the bathtub. She felt at once humiliated and liberated. It had to stop now; she thought and stared down at her body. The bubbles were gone and now she saw the brutal reality of her own oversized flesh. It was time for a change. It was now or never.

Fat Linda closed her eyes one last time before she would try and get out of the tub on her own. She was gathering her strength thinking about herself losing all that weight and being able to do even ordinary things like go for a walk or maybe even ride on her bike again? She opened her eyes and smiled at the thought. Could she have a normal life again? Was it possible? Had she suffered long enough to finally be forgiven?

Maybe she had, she thought as her eyes glanced upon someone standing in the bathroom. A woman, dressed in a sparkling blue evening gown. Fat Linda's heart dropped. Those eyes, she thought to herself. She had seen them before. She had seen them in that operating room staring at her. Those were the eyes she had tried so hard to forget all of those years.

When the woman came closer and lifted the scalpel Fat Linda suddenly remembered everything. She relived it like a flash in her mind. The pain, the torment of knowing.

She also knew that she was going to die.

"I know why you're here," Fat Linda whispered with a shivering voice. Then she felt the sensation of plastic from the gloves around her neck holding her down while the scalpel came closer to her eyes.

Blood soon colored the bathwater and not long after Fat Linda finally reached her goal of twenty years. She became numb and would never feel anything again.

 
C
HAPTER 21

A
BDUL
H
USSEIN HATED TO
deliver pizzas. He hated everything about it. The driving around on his small scooter with all the stickers advertising "Pizza Mamma Mia", the stench from the boxes that was always in his clothes and hair, the customers who were always dissatisfied and thought he was too late, too slow and too stupid. The remarks, the scolding and yelling, the old women trying to seduce him. He loathed everything about it. He especially hated his father for forcing him to work every day after school and every weekend when Abdul would much rather hang out with his friends and go to the arcade or look at girls at the marina. Abdul really wanted a life like all of his Danish friends, but his father never understood that.

"When I was your age I worked at my dad's farm every day. I didn't even have the privilege of going to school," he said.

Abdul wanted to tell him that that was in another time in another country. A country Abdul felt in no way connected to anymore not since they fled and moved to Denmark to begin a new life in this cold but secure part of the world. Times change, he wanted to tell him. But how could he? After all his father had gone through to create a new life for them here? He gave up being a doctor for the safety of his family and moved to this country where his papers and diplomas were worth nothing, a country that had kept them in a camp for seven years before they had given them permission to finally move into their own apartment. His father who opened a pizzeria and worked all hours of the day to support his family. How could Abdul say no to him when he asked him for a little help every afternoon? Abdul would never do that. Delivering pizzas was something he had to do even if his Danish friends didn't understand. They told him to just say no to his father and come with them to drink beer in the marina or behind the Youth Club and then trash the place later when they were wasted enough.

Abdul had obligations. He had a family that depended on him. He couldn't let them down like that. Even if he sometimes wanted to.

Abdul Hussein thought about just taking off sometimes when he drove on his scooter with the stinking pizzas on the back. He was considering the possibility again on this day when he rode through the darkness while the cold rain hit his face. He could just keep going. They wouldn't know until later tonight when they realized that he hadn't returned. They would be worried, of course, especially his mother. They would call him on his cell phone but he wouldn't pick it up. Maybe he would even throw it away so they couldn't track him down. Then he would just keep going. Out of Karrebaeksminde, out on the long lonely roads leading to the vast country with only fields and cows and a farm now and then. He would keep going to see how far his scooter could take him. He could sleep in a barn and then just go on from there. Walk, when he ran out of gas. Just keep going. Where to, he didn't care. Just away from here. Away from this small town, away from his parents, away from the work, away from school where they always treated him like an imbecile even though he was better than most kids at math, the teachers just assumed he didn't understand because he had an accent when he spoke. All he wanted was to get away - and to never see a pizza again.