Thoughtless (64 page)

Whatever romantic gesture he’d done, I didn’t want to hear it anyway. I didn’t want to think about who he was with now, about who he was

“dating”. Whatever romantic thing he had done for a girl –some girl not being me - I didn’t want to
ever
hear about it.

Surprisingly, I ran into Evan at school. Aside from work, school was really the only other place I went. I spent every free moment there, studying, and quite honestly, busing my head, to stop the gnawing ache in my heart. I’d been coming out of one of the impressive brick buildings, lost in painful thoughts I shouldn’t have been thinking about anyway, when I’d nearly run right into him. His warm, brown eyes had widened and glowed at seeing me, and then he lifted me into a massive bear hug and I giggled until he let go.

Apparently, Evan was a big fan of people-watching on the campus. He loved hanging around the school, and had even made Kellan take the freshman tour with him nearly a half dozen times, a couple of years ago.

With a small grin, Evan confessed to me that he’d had a huge crush on the girl giving the tour at the time. Surprise flashed through me, as I realized that that was how Kellan knew so much about the campus. He had certainly been with girls here, but the majority of his intimate knowledge, was because of Evan dragging him on the same tour that I’d drug him on.

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That thought made my eyes water, and Evan’s happy face looked over me with a trace of concern in it. “Are you alright, Kiera?” I tried to nod and that only made my eyes water more. Evan sighed and brought me back in for another hug. “He misses you,” he whispered.

I startled and pulled away at that. Evan shrugged. “He acts like he doesn’t…but I can tell. He’s not Kellan. He‘s moody and writes a lot, and snaps at people, and drinks a lot, and…” He stopped talking and cocked his head. “Okay, well, maybe he’s still Kellan.” He grinned as I managed a half-laugh. “But he really misses you. You should see what he…” He stopped talking again and bit his lip. “Anyway, just know that he hasn’t moved on or anything.” A tear fell on my cheek as I wondered if that was true, or if Evan was just trying to make me feel better. He tenderly brushed the tear away. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I shook my head and swallowed. “No, it’s okay. No one will really talk about him in front of me, like I’m porcelain or something. It’s good to hear about him. I miss him too.”

He cocked his head at me and his brown eyes turned unusually serious. “He told me how much he loved you. How much you meant to him.” Another tear threatened to fall, and I brushed my lid to halt it. His face blushed curiously as I sniffled. “That night…that I kinda…walked in on you. I really didn’t see anything,” he quickly added. I blushed in kind, and he looked at the pavement for a moment.

“He told me once about his childhood…about his parents’ abuse.” My mouth dropped open as I gaped at him. I got the impression that he didn’t talk about that with anyone. Evan seemed to understand my expression and smiled grimly. “I figured he told you. With me…he was really drunk. I don’t think he even remembers telling me. It was right after they died…when he saw the house.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“You know that’s not his childhood home, right?” I frowned and shook my head, I hadn’t known that. He nodded and sniffed. “Yeah, we were playing bars in LA, once we got together with Matt and Griffin, doing pretty good too, made a name for ourselves down there. Then…well, I still remember the day his Aunt called, and
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told him they’d both been killed. He dropped everything and drove up here that night. We followed him, of course.” He looked down at the pavement and shook his head. “I don’t think he ever really understood why we did that, why we moved here with him. I don’t think he grasped that we believed in him, and loved him, like family. I still don’t think he grasps that. I think that’s why he thought he could ditch town without telling us.” He shook his head again. “He said he thought we wouldn’t care, that we’d just replace him.” I cringed that Kellan had been going to bail on them, because of me, and was a little surprised that Kellan thought he was so easy to replace. That word sounded so wrong in reference to him.

After a silent moment, Evan looked back up at me with an eyebrow raised. “Of course, his version of family is a little…skewed.” I nodded at that, and thought over just how twisted Kellan’s version of love had been, for most of his life. Evan cleared his throat and continued.

“Anyway, they left him everything they had, even the house. He seemed really surprised that they would do that, but he was even more surprised when he saw the house…and realized they’d moved.” Evan looked out over the campus, his eyes speculative and sad for his friend. “They never even bothered to tell him that they’d sold the home he’d grown up in. That they’d moved across town. And then…he found out that they’d tossed out all of his stuff. And I mean, everything, there wasn’t a single trace of him in that house, not even a picture. I think that’s why he tossed out everything of theirs.” My breath caught as I realized that was why Kellan’s house was so barren when we first moved in. It wasn’t just that he didn’t care about decorations, which I’m pretty sure he didn’t. It was mainly because he had inherited a home that was completely foreign to him, and then out of anger or resentment, or both, tossed everything of his parent’s…everything. He’d left no trace of them in his life, really he’d left no trace of
any
life in his life, until I’d come in and thrust mine upon him.

His never-ending pain made my heart thud loudly in my chest as I ached with sympathy for him.

Evan sniffed again as he looked back to me, another tear rolling down my cheek as I was too stunned from his revelation to wipe it away.

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“They were real bastards, but…their death still really affected him. He got really ripped and told me about what they used to do to him. Some of his stories…” Evan closed his eyes and shook his head, a light shudder running through him.

I closed my eyes as well as I thought over all the conversations I’d had with Kellan about his childhood. He’d never gone into specifics with me, about just what his father used to do to him. From the look on Evan’s face, I’m guessing he’d gone into some pretty horrific details, and it had really affected Evan. I was both grateful I didn’t know, and curious to know, those details.

When he reopened his eyes, they shone with compassion for his friend. “He must not have grown up around a whole lot of love. I kind of think that’s why he screwed around so much. I know that sounds weird, but…he’s always seemed a little different in the way he went after women.” He scrunched his brows as he unknowingly correctly analyzed his band mate. “He’s not just a horn ball like Griffin. He was almost…desperate to connect with someone. Like, he really wanted to love somebody…he just didn’t know how.”

He shrugged and laughed. “That sounds weird, I know. I’m no psy-chologist or anything. Anyway, I think that’s what he saw in you…why he risked it. I think I understand what you meant to him.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “What you
mean
to him.” I brought a hand to my mouth and held in a cry. I was sure Evan didn’t know everything about Kellan’s upbringing, but he understood a lot more than Kellan probably realized he did. He smiled sadly at my reaction and shrugged again. “I’m not trying to hurt you or anything. I guess, I just wanted you to know that he still thinks about you.” With tears freely flowing down my cheeks, we said our goodbyes and he walked away, waving. I couldn’t tell Evan that even though I knew I’d meant something to Kellan at one point, and maybe, he did still think about me…I also knew from Matt’s slipup that he was trying to get with other people. I liked to think that it was hard for him, that he was forcing himself to do it, but, Kellan had every right to try and move on from me.

I’d hurt him so badly. But I couldn’t mention that to Evan. That part of Kellan’s life, I did not want to talk about…with anyone.

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And even though I missed my D-Bags, I was a little glad that I didn’t see them more often. It hurt too much. And of course, the one that I really wanted to see, stayed completely hidden away from me…and I let him, even though it kind of killed me.

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26

Chapter

Love and Loneliness

It was March, and the air was still crisp with the last edge of winter lacing it, but a smell of renewal was in the air too. The cherry blossoms at the University were in full bloom, and the quad was bursting with blushing pink flowers that lifted my leaden heart whenever I walked through it.

It had been a hard winter for me. Being alone wasn’t something I enjoyed, and I’d had to endure a lot of alone time lately. My sister was a social butterfly, and had quickly amassed a bevy of beautiful Hooters girls to party with; I heard they were in line to be in the “Girls of Hooters” calendar next year.

Jenny tried to take me out on occasion, but we had different schedules, and lining up a night when we were both off work and I wasn’t doing something for school, was tricky. We did manage to see a movie every now and then, or grab some coffee before her shift, but it wasn’t nearly as often as I would have liked.

School kept me busy, work kept me busy, and even staying in contact with Denny kept me busy. Since our time zones were so far apart, it gave

“phone tag” a whole new meaning. But my heart couldn’t possibly be kept busy enough to not miss Kellan. That just wasn’t possible.

I may have been forced through a three month rehab with our self-imposed separation, but my underlying addiction was still there, and it beat and coursed deep throughout my veins. I could almost hear his name with my heartbeat and I berated myself for my stupid mistake every day. How could I have been so scared and foolish, to push away such a wonderful man?

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My sister inadvertently brought that ache right to the surface one night. She was in the bathroom getting ready to hit a club with some friends. She was drying her silky hair, head bent over, letting the dryer give her already perfect locks extra volume. I walked by, just as she flipped up and fluffed out her tresses. She was wearing a backless triangle top, that was going to be much too cold for outside, but that wasn’t what got my attention. It was the sparkle at her neck.

I stopped in the doorway, my mouth dropping open and my eyes watering. “Where did you get that?” I could barely even form the words.

She looked at me, confused for a minute, and then noticed my eyes locked onto the necklace around her throat. “Oh, this?” She shrugged and the necklace slid up and down her creamy skin. “It was stuck in with my stuff. I’m not sure where it came from. It’s pretty though, huh?” I couldn’t speak again, as I stared in disbelief at the silver guitar necklace that Kellan had lovingly said goodbye to me with. The large diamond twinkled in the bathroom lights and my tearful vision amplified the sparkle until a rainbow streaked across my eyes.

My sister seemed to notice that I was starting to break down. “Oh god…is this yours, Kiera?”

I blinked and my vision cleared, as tears dropped down my cheeks. I watched her hastily reach behind her neck to unclasp it. “I didn’t know.

I’m sorry.” Her fingers practically flung it at me, as she held it away from her.

“It’s okay,” I mumbled. “I just thought I’d lost it.” Or Kellan had removed it.

She nodded and pulled me into a tight hug, lacing the necklace around me, since I still seemed reluctant to touch it. As she clasped it around my neck, she whispered, “Did Kellan give this to you?” As she pulled away, I nodded, more tears dripping down my cheeks.

“The night…he was leaving, the night we got caught.” I ran my fingers down the silver piece and it seemed both burning and cooling to my touch.

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My sister watched my face a minute and then ran a hand through my hair. “Why don’t you go see him, Kiera? He’s always at Pete’s, and he still looks so…”

I shook my head and didn’t let her finish. “I only ever hurt him. He wanted this…he wanted space.” I looked up at her and exhaled brokenly. “I’m trying to do what’s best for him…for once. Besides, I’m sure he’s moved on by now.”

She smiled sadly as she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“You’re an idiot, Kiera,” she said softly, but warmly.

I smiled sadly back at her. “I know.”

She shook her head and seemed to swallow back an emotion. “Well, why don’t you come out with us girls then?” She shook her hips alluringly. “Go dancing with me.”

I sighed, remembering the last time I went dancing with Anna. “I don’t think so. I’m just gonna stay here, crash on the couch.” She twisted her lips as she leaned into the bathroom mirror to start doing

her

makeup.

“Oh

good…something

new,”

she

muttered

sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes at her and walked away. “Have fun…and wear a coat.”

“Sure thing, Mom,” she shouted back playfully, as I walked down the hallway to the living room.

It was raining outside and I watched the slanting drops hit the window and roll down it like tears. The rain always reminded me of Kellan -

him standing in it, letting it soak every part of him. Angry and hurt, and trying to stay away from me, so he didn’t lash out at me. Crazy in love with me, even when I turned him away for someone else. I couldn’t even imagine what that must have felt like for him.

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How could I see him…after everything I’d done to him? My chest hurt though. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of trying to stay busy so he wouldn’t enter my head, he did anyway. And mostly, I was tired of remembering the hazy version of him in my memory. More than anything else, I wanted the sharp, crystal-clear and perfect version of him right in front of me.

Without thinking about it, I sat in his chair. I didn’t ever sit there. It was too hard, being on something that had belonged to him. I sank into the cushions and laid my head back. I imagined it was his chest I was leaning against, and a soft smile came to my lips. I touched the lost but found again necklace and closed my eyes. I could almost see him more clearly this way. I could almost even smell him.