Thoughtless (58 page)

Kellan took a step and then turned to face me; his face was gorgeous in the moonlight, composed and yet at the same time, achingly sad. His eyes nearly broke my heart, and I had to look away. It wasn’t just that they suddenly glistened too much, the deep blue crystallized into what could very easily shed into tears. It was the calm resignation in them that tore my heart.

Silently he regarded my expression for a minute and then quietly he said, “I did lose you…didn’t I?” I looked up at his calm face, surprised.

Had he known me better than I knew myself? Had he known that I would do this to him, all along?

“Kellan, I…I can’t do this…not yet. I can’t leave him. I need more time…”

His calm face broke with a touch of anger behind his eyes. “Time? Kiera…nothing is going to change here? What good is time to you?” He shook his head and nodded it in the direction of our home. “Now that he knows you lied, time will only hurt him more.” He meant my indecision would hurt Denny, but as his eyes glistened even more, I was sure he was also talking about himself.

“Kellan, I’m so sorry…please don’t hate me,” I whispered, my own eyes brimming as well.

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He ran both hands back through his hair and left them in the tangled mess for a moment, before bringing them back to his sides. “No, Kiera…no.” His voice was quiet with restraint, and a shot of fear went right through me.

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ldquo;What do you mean? No, you don’t hate me or no…you do?” My voice broke on the end, and I swallowed painfully.

Seeing my pained face, he brought a hand up to my cheek. With a tight voice, he softly said, “No, I can’t give you any more time. I can’t do this. It’s killing me…”

I shook my head as tears finally dropped to my cheeks. “Please, Kellan, don’t make me-”

“Ugh…Kiera.” He bought his other hand to my other cheek and gripped me, almost harshly, cutting off my objection. “Choose right now.

Don’t even think, just choose. Me…or him? ” His thumbs brushed aside tears that were spilling over them. “Me or him, Kiera?” Thoughtless, I blurted out, “Him.”

The very air around us seemed to vibrate with the sudden silence between us. He stopped breathing and his eyes widened in shock. I stopped breathing and my eyes widened in shock. Oh god…why would I say that? Is that…is that what I want? It was too late to rethink my hasty choice. It was too late to take the word back. I watched as a tear dropped heavily to Kellan’s cheek. That single tear seemed to solidify my word. The damage was done. I couldn’t go back now if I wanted to.

“Oh,” he finally whispered.

He started to remove his hands and back away from me, and I clutched him tight and tried to pull him closer. “No, Kellan…wait. I didn’t mean-”

He narrowed his eyes. “Yes, you did. That was your instinct. That was your first thought…and first thoughts are usually the correct ones.” His
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tone got a little icy, and then he closed his eyes and swallowed. “That’s what’s really in your heart. He’s what’s in your heart…” I grabbed his hands and held them tight in front of us, as he took a few calming breaths. I could see the struggle on his face to control his anger, and I feebly flipped through my head to come up with something to re-pair the damage I’d just carelessly caused. I had nothing. No burst of genius on how to fix this.

When his face was calmer, he opened his eyes and my heart broke at the sadness in them. “I told you I would walk away, if that was your choice…and I will. I won’t make trouble for the both of you.” His gaze sad, but achingly full of love, he quietly added, “I always knew where your heart really was anyway. I never should have asked you to make a choice…there never was a choice to make. Last night, I did hope that…” He sighed and looked down to the pavement. “I should have left ages ago. I was just…being selfish.” I gaped at him, disbelieving. He thought he was being selfish? Here, I was the one literally shuffling between the beds of two men, and he was selfish? “I think I give new meaning to the word, Kellan.” He smiled a little when he looked back up at me, and then his face got serious again. “You were scared, Kiera. I understand that. You’re scared to let go…I am too. But everything will be fine.” Almost as if to convince himself, he repeated, “We will be fine.” He spoke so quietly that I could barely hear him over the loud music drifting over the fence from the beer garden.

He swept me into his arms for a tight embrace. I threw my arms around his neck and curled one hand through his wonderfully thick hair.

I inhaled the scent of his skin mixed with his leather jacket, savoring every second with him. His arms pulled me in so tight that I could barely breathe. I didn’t care, he could have compressed me into his body and I wouldn’t have cared, I ached for his closeness so badly. My mind was still spinning over my shifting choice. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but maybe Kellan was right…maybe first thoughts are the correct one.

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With a voice thick with emotion, he whispered in my ear, “Don’t ever tell Denny about us. He won’t leave you. You can stay at my place for as long as you like. You can even rent out my room if you want. I don’t care.”

I pulled back to look at him, tears streaming mercilessly down my face now. He answered my unasked question, another tear shimmering down his cheek in the moonlight as well. “I have to leave now, Kiera…while I can.” He brushed multiple tears away from my cheeks. “I’ll call Jenny and have her come get you. She’ll take you to him. She’ll help you.”

“Who will help you?” I whispered, searching his achingly perfect face in the silver light. I knew how much he cared now. I knew what I meant to him, and how extremely difficult leaving me was for him. I knew how hard it was for me, and I felt like dying.

Swallowing, he ignored my question. “You and Denny can go to Australia and be married. You can have a long, happy life together, the way it was supposed to be.” His voice cracked on the end and another tear rolled down his cheek. “I promise, I won’t interfere.” I wasn’t letting it go though. “What about you? You’ll be alone…” I needed to know he would be okay.

He smiled sadly. “Kiera…it was always supposed to be that way too.” I stared at his liquid blue eyes, placing a hand on his cheek and holding back a sob. He was willing to give up everything he had ever wanted in this world - a real, deep, to the bottom of his soul love, without a fight, to save Denny’s and my relationship. His good heart broke mine. “I told you, you were a good man,” I whispered.

“I think Denny would disagree,” he whispered back.

I threw my arms tightly around his neck again as a hauntingly slow beat drifted over the fence and pounded through my body. I ran my fingers back through his hair and choked back another sob as he rested his forehead against mine.

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“God, I’m going to miss you…” His voice cracked at the end and he swallowed loudly.

It was too much, it was too hard. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t let him slip away. I loved him too much. This was too hard. This felt wrong…all of this just felt wrong. I couldn’t let him go…

“Kellan, please don’t-”

He immediately cut me off. “Don’t, Kiera. Don’t ask me that. It has to happen this way. We need to stop this cycle, and we both seem incapable of staying away from each other…so one of us needs to leave.” He exhaled heavily and spoke quickly, while rocking his head back and forth against mine, his eyes tightly closed. “This is the way Denny doesn’t get hurt. If I’m gone, he may not question your lie. But if you ask me to stay…I will, and he’ll eventually find out, and we’ll destroy him. I know you don’t want that. I don’t either, baby.” He almost seemed to be willing himself to say the words that he clearly didn’t want to say.

Pain rocketed through my body and I couldn’t stop the sob. “But it hurts so much…”

He kissed me softly. “I know, baby…I know. We have to let it hurt. I need to leave, for good this time. If he’s what you want, then we need to end this. It’s the only way.”

He kissed me again, and then pulled back to look at me; his eyes were as wet and pained as mine must have been. He reached a hand into his jacket pocket and grabbed something. Holding his fist out to me, he gently pried open my hand with his other one. Very slowly, he opened his fist and placed something in my palm.

Through my blurry vision, I looked at what he’d given me. It was a very delicate, silver chain. Attached to the chain was a silver guitar, and in the center of the guitar was a round diamond that had to be at least a carat. It was simple and stunning - perfect, just like him. I inhaled sharply and couldn’t speak. My hand started to shake.

“You don’t have to wear it…I’ll understand. I just wanted you to have something to remember me by.” He cocked his head to the side and
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gazed at my tear streaked face. “I didn’t want you to forget me. I’ll never forget you.”

I looked at him, barely able to speak through the pain. “Forget you?” The very idea was ludicrous. As if he wasn’t seared into the very fabric of my soul. “I could never…” I grabbed his face in my hands, the necklace still laced in my fingers. “I love you…forever.” He brought his lips to mine, kissing me deeply. The music behind us swelled along with my heart. Again, I doubted that I could do this, that I could let him leave me. It still felt so wrong. His leaving, after everything we’d gone through, felt completely wrong. How would I survive this?

Surely the withdrawals of a permanent separation would break me into pieces. I missed him already, even with his lips pressed firmly to mine, I longed for him.

We savored every second that we had together. I felt like the pain would bring me to my knees. A sob broke through my lips, and he clutched me tighter to his chest. He placed a hand on my cheek and a second later, a sob broke through his, and I deepened our heartbreaking final kiss. This was wrong. I couldn’t watch him walk away from me. I needed to speak, find some magic words to get him to stay with me…I just didn’t know how. I knew my life would never be the same once this kiss ended. I never wanted it to end…

But of course, nothing lasts forever.

The sound of the gate behind me smashing forcefully closed, forever changed the way I would remember this last tender moment with Kellan.

Terrified, I immediately broke contact and stared at Kellan’s wide eyes. He was looking past me, at the figure at the gate, but I could not make myself turn to look. I didn’t need to look anyway. There was only one person on this earth who could have caused the intense look of fear, sorrow and guilt on Kellan’s face. My whole body started shaking.

“I’m so sorry, Kiera.” Kellan whispered to me, never once taking his eyes from the gate.

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Denny had just entered our small circle of private hell, and there was no going back for him, for any of us.

“Kiera… Kellan…” My name came out like a question, Kellan’s like a curse. Denny moved closer to where Kellan and I were quickly stepping away from each other. His face was confused and at the same time, livid.

He had seen that all too tender moment.

“Denny…” I tried to come up with something, but I couldn’t. I suddenly realized that Denny had lied; he had never been called away. He had orchestrated this, tested us…we had failed.

He ignored me and glared at Kellan. “What the hell is going on?” I ran through some excuses that Kellan could say in my head, but dropped my mouth in shock as Kellan simply told Denny the truth. “I kissed her. I was saying goodbye…I’m leaving.” I fought back my despair at that statement, as I watched anger flare in Denny’s dark eyes. “You kissed her?” I thought for a moment that he would leave it at that, but then he blurted out, “Did you fuck her?” Shock again flared through me at Denny’s conclusion to Kellan’s simple statement. He
had
known, or at least suspected. I looked over at Kellan, silently pleading with him to lie.

He didn’t.

“Yes,” he whispered, cringing a little at Denny’s crudeness.

Denny’s mouth dropped wide open as he glared at Kellan. Both men seemed to have forgotten that I was even there. “When?” he whispered harshly.

Kellan sighed. “The first time was the night you broke up.” Denny’s eyebrows rose, along with his voice, “The first time? How many
times
were there?” I closed my eyes, hoping this was just a nightmare.

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Kellan answered very calmly. “Only twice…”

My eyes flashed open at his statement. Why would he lie about that?

But at a meaningful look from him, I understood. Our last few days together had in no way constituted what Denny had crudely asked him. It wasn’t a lie, simply…a half-truth. Even in my horror for the situation, my heart warmed a little at his omission.

He calmly finished his thought, looking back towards Denny, “…but I wanted her…every day.”

The small warmth in my heart froze and my heart squeezed painfully.

My breath completely stopped. What was he doing? Why would he tell Denny that? I must be dreaming. This couldn’t be real. It wasn’t real.

It happened so fast, that I didn’t have time to comprehend it. Denny’s fist flew around and connected with Kellan’s jaw, the blow staggering him backwards. Recovering slowly, Kellan stood straight and faced Denny again, blood trickling down his now cut lip.

“I won’t fight you, Denny. I’m so sorry, but we never wanted to hurt you. We fought against… We tried so hard to resist this…pull, we feel towards each other.” Kellan’s face cringed as he spoke, his emotional pain worse than his physical one.

“You tried? You tried to not fuck her?” Denny yelled, and hit him again.

My mind wanted me to scream at Denny to stop. My body wanted me to pull him away. Aside from shaking with fear and an aching coldness that pierced me to my very bones, I couldn’t move. Shock froze me in place, gaping like an idiot, and I stood there, silently.

“I gave up everything for her!” Denny struck him repeatedly. Kellan did nothing to block the blows, and made no attempt to fight Denny back. In fact, after every hit he turned to face Denny, intentionally or unintentionally giving him the best possible angle every time. Blood oozed from a cut on his cheek, his lip and over his eye. “You promised me you wouldn’t touch her!”

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“I’m sorry, Denny.” Kellan muttered between hits, barely audible to me, and probably completely inaudible to Denny in his rage.

I wanted Denny to yell at me, to blame me, to hit me, to at least look at me as being equally responsible for this mess, but all his rage was focused on Kellan. I had stopped existing to him. Inside I was sobbing, screaming for it to end. But I just stood there, silently.

Eventually Kellan’s strength wore out, and he fell to his knees in a pant, his blue shirt stained with his blood. “I trusted you!” Denny screamed at him, as a particularly brutal knee to Kellan’s chin knocked him to his back.

My mind couldn’t comprehend it. I started rejecting this reality. I was dreaming, that had to be it. This was just a nightmare, my worst nightmare. Soon I would wake up. But still, like I was stuck in quicksand, I just stood there, silently.

Denny now began kicking him repeatedly with his heavy boots, screaming obscenities with every blow. A vicious one landed on Kellan’s arm, more out of luck, than Kellan making any real attempt to defend himself, causing a sickening snap that even in my stupor I could hear.

Kellan cried out in pain, but Denny didn’t stop. “You said you were my brother!”

My stomach rose. My body shivered uncontrollably. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Reality was shifting to me. Was I going mad? Was that why I couldn’t move, couldn’t shout for help? I desperately wanted to pull Denny away, hit him if I had to, but listening in horror, I still just stood there, silently.

Another swift kick to Kellan’s side, and another audible crack as a rib or two broke. Kellan again cried out in agony, spat out blood, but did nothing to really defend his body, said nothing to defend his actions, only endlessly repeated, “I won’t fight you…I won’t hurt you…I’m sorry, Denny…”

If my sanity was slipping, Denny’s was completely gone. He was a completely different person viciously beating the life from Kellan’s weakening body. Denny was beyond angry, beyond enraged. He was
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screaming ruthlessly at Kellan, a stream of vile things that I had never heard him utter. He seemed to have completely forgotten I was there, frozen in shock and horror as I was.

“Your word is worthless! You are worthless!” Kellan cringed and turned his head away from those hurtful words, and I had the horrid feeling that it was not the first time he’d heard them. It wasn’t the first time he’d been called worthless. “I’m sorry, Denny.”

Denny didn’t care about his apologies and was still kicking him viciously. “She is
not
one of your whores!” Denny paused, panting in his fervor. Kellan weakly raised himself up on one elbow, his body crumpled and bruised in pain, blood stringing from his mouth and freely flowing from a cut above his eye and cheek.

He looked up to meet Denny’s enraged eyes and I watched Kellan’s face twist with pain.

Kellan’s next words filled me with an endless warmth and a bottom-less fear. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Denny, but I love her,” he panted, his eyes drifting back to mine and contentment filling them. He seemed at peace with the fact that he’d finally done it. He’d finally openly declared his feelings for me to his best friend, his brother.

Smiling warmly at me, he also added something onto his declaration that managed to push his friend over the breaking point. “And she loves me too.”

I could literally see Denny snap. Glaring wildly at Kellan, he shifted his weight and aligned his foot for what I could clearly see would be a disastrous blow to Kellan’s head. Besides panting in pain, his eyes still fixed on mine, Kellan didn’t move. Watching me, he wasn’t paying attention to what Denny was about to do. His inhumanly blue eyes taking me in, absorbing me like he was memorizing me, was going to be the last thing he ever did.

Without any conscious thought, I screamed “
No!”
and finally able to move, I dove to the ground to shield Kellan. The surely fatal blow meant
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for him, connected with my temple instead. I thought I heard Kellan shout my name, and then the whole world went black.

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24

Chapter

Guilt and Regret

I became aware of sounds first - an insistent beeping near my ear that wasn’t stopping and soft male voices echoing in my head, as if they were speaking through a tunnel. I tried to focus on those voices, to bring them closer to me, so I could understand what they were saying. Bits and pieces fell to my ears, but not enough to make any sense.

“… now…leave…she’ll…hurt…sorry…her…kill…you know…” A light chuckle filled the room and I thought it sounded familiar, but nothing in my mind or body really felt familiar at the moment. My head felt light and airy, like a balloon tethered to my body. Then I moved it, and a sharp pain screamed at me to not do that again. I listened and stayed still until that airy feeling returned to me. A dull ache in my head registered my body’s relief at my decision.

As I was wondering why my head hurt so much, memories started flooding my brain. Horrid memories that I wished I could block out, that I wished had fallen out of my head when the pain had entered it.

Memories of my painful goodbye with Kellan. Memories of Denny’s face when he discovered us. Memories of Denny beating up Kellan, taking out all of his frustrations on him, trying to kill him. His foot lining up for a devastating blow to Kellan’s awaiting head…

“No!”

My memory of the attack invoked the action of what I’d foolishly done to stop it. I sat upright in bed as I yelled “no” and immediately fell back in a heap against the pillow, tenderly clutching my head, and gasping at the level of pain searing my body.

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Denny’s concerned face filled my hazy eyes. He stroked his thumbs across my cheekbones and turned behind him to mutter something to someone else in the room. A response was muttered back and I heard footsteps walking away as the pain in my head subsided to a throbbing ache. Denny turned back to me and continued stroking my cheeks, drying away some tears that had reached his fingers.

“Shhhh, Kiera. You’re okay. It’s okay….relax.” I realized I was clutching the front of his t-shirt with a deathlike grip, and forced myself to calm down. My eyes went in and out of focus and I blinked heavily several times to try and see him more clearly.

“Denny?” My voice was scratchy, my throat raw and aching of thirst.

“Where am I? What happened?”

Denny exhaled and rested his forehead gently against mine. “What happened? What happened is I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d killed you. I can’t believe what I…” His accent sounded strained to me, like it did sometimes when he was upset or emotional. He exhaled heavily and swallowed before giving me a chaste kiss on the forehead. Pulling back, his dark eyes looked moist. “You’re at the hospital, Kiera. You’ve been in and out of it for a couple days now. It was touch and go for awhile there.

We were very lucky…there was bruising, but very little bleeding. You’ll be okay.”

I reached up and felt the side of my head carefully. Denny’s fingers brushed mine as we both felt the tender area above my right ear. “They almost had to relieve the pressure with surgery, but they were finally able to get you back with medicine…” he murmured, as he rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand. My stomach twisted at the thought of a piece of my skull almost being removed. Thank God they didn’t have to do that. I closed my eyes and dropped my hand, clutching Denny’s tightly.

“Good…she’s awake. Probably in a good dose of pain too.” A cheerful, plump nurse with a smile about five miles long walked through my door. I cringed at her loud, peppy voice and tried to slip on a smile; it felt a little weak to me. “My name is Susie and I’ll be taking good care of you today.” With an air of authority she shooed Denny off the bed, even
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though I tried to keep him there, and shot a clear liquid into an IV attached to me. That was when I noticed the needle in my hand and again felt my stomach twist. She checked on my vital stats and seemed pleased with them. “Do you need anything, sweetie?”

“Water…” I croaked out.

She patted my leg. “Of course. I’ll be right back.” She turned to leave and my more focused eyes followed her cat-covered scrubs out the door. Denny sat down on the other side of my bed and grabbed my non-IV needled hand, but I barely noticed. I barely noticed anything anymore and not because the pain meds were kicking in. No, that only cleared the ache in my head. My heart…? That was suddenly throbbing. The beeping beside me sped up as well.

As I watched the nurse leave, my eyes had drifted across the person who had gone out to find her. A person who was still standing beside the door, leaning against the wall, keeping their distance from me and from Denny. A person who’s left arm was casted from the wrist to the elbow and whose face was a mosaic coloring of yellow to near black bruising…and still completely perfect.

He smiled at me when our eyes met, and I involuntarily clutched Denny’s hand. Denny noticed my rapt attention and looked over to Kellan leaning against the wall. I couldn’t understand what the both of them were doing in my room…and not trying to kill each other. They looked at each other and then Kellan nodded to Denny and throwing me a final smile, turned and left the room.

I wanted to shout at him to stay, to talk to me, to tell me what he was thinking, what he was feeling, but Denny cleared his throat and I looked back to him, confusion clear in my eyes. Denny smiled warmly at me and my confusion leapt even higher.

“You’re not angry?” was all I could find to say.

He looked down for a moment, and I saw his jaw clench under the light hair there, hair that was a bit longer and stragglier than he usually kept it, like he hadn’t left my side long enough to see to himself. He
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looked back up to me and I watched his eyes shift through multiple emotions, before he relaxed his features and seemed to settle on one.

“Yes…I’m angry. But…almost killing you, well, that sort of put things in perspective.” He raised one corner of his lips in a sad smile, and then dropped them to a frown. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t made it.” He ran a hand down his face. “I don’t know how I would have gotten through that. That would have destroyed me…” I brought my IV hand to his face; it felt heavy and solid, like the rest of my body was starting to feel. He looked back at me as my fingers ran across his jaw. He sighed and smiled slightly. “I wish you’d just told me, Kiera…from the beginning.”

I withdrew my hand that suddenly felt overly hot. My heart started thumping and I begged it to calm down, as the monitor with the insistent beeping beside me picked up its pace to match it. He noticed my reaction and sighed. “It would have been hard…but so much better than how I found out.”

He dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair; I noticed that his knuckles were still raw and red from attacking Kellan. “Of course…I should have talked to you when I suspected. I never should have set you up like that. I was just hoping… I just so wanted to be wrong.” He raised his head and his eyes suddenly looked exhausted, like he hadn’t really slept in days. “I never thought you’d hurt me, Kiera.” He cocked his head as I bit my lip to not cry. “Not you…” He spoke so softly, I had to lean in to hear him. “I thought Kellan might try for you. I even made him promise to not touch you when I left. But I never really thought you’d…” He looked away from me and a bitter note that I was not used to hearing from him, entered his accent. “How could you do that to me?”