Those Wicked Pleasures (41 page)

‘I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I wish I could have made it easier for you but I didn’t know how. There seemed to be no other way but to tell you straight out. I know it has been a great shock for you, for all of us. His family, his colleagues, even perhaps mankind. It is an enormous loss.’

Lara listened, concentrating hard on every word Elspeth uttered. She bit nervously into the knuckle of the hand she held in a tight fist. Elspeth had been warned that Lara had been heavily sedated, and though they had been cutting the dosage, she might be sluggish of mind. Elspeth continued: ‘He always knew that, because of the way you had arranged your life together, yours would be, of anyone’s, the greatest shock.’

‘He spoke to you about this?’

‘No, never. But as far back as two years ago, he came
to me with his Will. There were letters of instruction for me to act on if he died suddenly. That’s why I’m here now. He sent me to help you to find a way to ease your pain. To remind you of your promise not to mourn him.’

‘Elspeth, is there a letter for me? Did he leave a letter with you? A note, a word, anything for me from him?’

‘No.’

This was clearly not what Lara expected. For a moment, when she was asking, she seemed to rally out of her stupor. Her hopes dashed, that small flicker of life was extinguished.

‘He left many instructions. Mostly about his work, family, you.’

‘Nothing personal, no last words for me?’

‘Nothing.’ There was a note of annoyance in Elspeth’s voice so strong it made Lara sit up and pay attention. ‘Madam, you had better appreciate how much he did leave you,’ the secretary continued. ‘That remarkable man. I have been his personal assistant for more than thirty years, from when you were just a child or maybe not even born. We started out still young together. Evan was a kind, humane man. A great mind, a great …’ There was too much emotion here for Elspeth’s English heart to deal openly with. She stopped.

‘I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Let’s just get on with this. I’m here because Sir Evan wanted me to come. My instructions were to tell you that he left you no note because he will not speak to you from the dead. I am here solely to remind you of the promise that you made to him that you would not mourn him. Nor did he want you to dwell on the years that you had together. I am to remind you that they are over, and that you have a duty to yourself to get on with your life. To that end I have brought with me a close friend of his. A doctor of psychiatry, non-practising. He’s also, incidentally, a
doctor of philosophy who holds a chair at Princeton University.’

‘It would have been different had I been prepared for this. If we had had time to say goodbye. If I could have been by his side. But this – no intimate word, not so much as a sentence or two on a scrap of paper. Am I to have nothing of him? You mean he’s just gone, vanished completely from my life.’

‘You lived with his vanishing for years. It was part of your deal. He wouldn’t have wanted any whining, acting as if it were his fault that he was killed. No behaving like a spoilt child …’

Elspeth rose from her chair and loomed over Lara, who sat nervously twisting a white lace-trimmed handkerchief in her hands. Elspeth snatched it from her. ‘How dare you behave like this? He gave you everything he was in a position to give. You mock his love by mourning him like this. Don’t make me regret all the years I admired you and the very proper way you handled your relationship with him. You and he knew what it was, and what it wasn’t. Not once when he was alive did you allow that special secret you had to interfere with your public lives. He is dead and gone. And he would want you – and you yourself should want, once you have recovered from this shock – to start again, to find someone to build a real, full-time life with. The one Sir Evan was unable to have with you.

‘His instructions to me were to remind you that dead is dead, that you are not to indulge in memories of what you had together. There were many sacrifices, and they are not to be remembered lightly.

‘Look, this is not a task I’m enjoying, but I have undertaken it. You are not making this easy for me, but you had better understand I intend to accomplish what I came here for. Sir Evan was the wisest man I have ever
known. He would not have sent Doctor Graham here unless he was certain you needed him. I suggest you see him as often as you can and work out your problems. I don’t see how you can do that doped up, if I may say so, like a zombie.’

‘You don’t spare me, do you?’

‘No, I don’t. And you don’t offend me by saying so.’

‘But he left you letters?’

‘Yes. And his family. But we had a different relationship with him than you did. I should have thought you would understand by now that he was too generous to do that to you. Too intelligent. He knew that sending a love letter from the dead would be like hanging an albatross around your neck. He must have loved you very much to set you free like this. You are a most fortunate woman. I will say no more. Except, do you think I might have a cup of tea?’

Lara burst into tears for the first time since she heard the news of her lover’s death. She could not control them. Through them she saw the look of embarrassment on Elspeth’s face, her disapproval of such weakness. The stalwart middle-aged woman whose emotions were cast in steel had finally been the only one to reach Lara, and therefore had rallied her.

Lara, seeing herself through Elspeth’s eyes, made a supreme effort to control herself. Nurse Hicks entered the room at the first hint of tears. They were heartrending, but the psychiatric nurse in Miss Hicks knew that they were also, in this case, a breakthrough for her patient. She allowed Lara her cry. When the tears began to subside, she approached.

‘I really think you must rest now.’

Lara ignored the nurse’s suggestion. Instead she addressed Elspeth, who had by now become resigned to such an outward display of emotion. Lara’s voice
trembled but she said, ‘Of course you may have tea. And if you will give me a few minutes, I will come downstairs and join you and Doctor Graham.’

‘Well, that’s better, Miss Stanton. We really cannot let ourselves down in this.’ Elspeth smiled for the first time, then left the room.

A few minutes ran into just over an hour. But, with the help of Coral and Nurse Hicks, Lara found the energy to get dressed and make up her face. When she walked into the library she looked to Elspeth like a different woman. The long silvery hair was neatly brushed back and her skilfully made up face showed off the rich beauty of the young woman. Her eyes were still sad and puffy from too many tears but her head was held high. She looked sensuous in wide white flannel trousers, a blouse of white cotton batiste with dropped shoulders and huge, elegant sleeves that were tight to the wrist, and glamorous jewellery. When she moved, it was evident from the outline of her breasts that she was without underclothes. And Elspeth understood the special qualities of this woman, and why Evan Valentine had fallen in love with her. Lara was still, even at her age, a child-woman. The sensuous, the vulnerable innocent who excites sexuality, demands protection and love.

Lara was surprised when introduced to Dr Graham. She had expected to meet an older man, a contemporary of Evan’s. Instead she saw a man not much older than herself. Tall, slender and bespectacled, a lanky man, there was about him an aura of quiet intelligence. A man happier with books than people, perhaps? His first words to her were, ‘What a wonderful library.’

‘Yes.’

“I’m Robert Graham. I hope you will allow me to come and talk to you for a while.’

‘About something in particular?’

‘Life.’

Lara felt there was no rejecting this man, and was surprised at how right it seemed for him to be here. ‘For the moment, I will not leave Cannonberry Chase.’

‘I understand. I will come and visit you here for as long as you will permit me.’

She heard herself saying, ‘Is it possible for you to stay for a few days?’

‘Yes, if you like.’

The effort Lara was making to take command of herself was obvious. She could not quite suppress a trembling in her hands, an unsteadiness on her feet. But she did produce a modicum of charm that, though fleeting, was still effective. She also displayed to Elspeth and Robert Graham a determination to rise above her distress. Elspeth was won over by this and by Lara’s insistence that Elspeth be her guest at Cannonberry Chase for the night and, at the very least, the following day before her return to England.

For five months Lara remained at Cannonberry Chase. Robert Graham soon had her taken off the round-the-clock nursing and intensive drug therapy and he himself became a welcome weekly guest at the Chase. And life really did, as he had suggested, become the subject of their discussions. Before long Lara was able to resume some of her activities. In the months that followed, their talks ranged freely over the story of her life. Robert had indeed been a very great friend of Evan Valentine’s. From being merely her doctor and healer, he became a great friend to Lara too.

She came to understand that, surprisingly, she had been bitter and desperately unhappy at the time of her divorce from Jamal. What she had needed then was professional help. Instead, she plunged into an unrealistic and
obsessive love, a furtive affair that was bound to end in some sort of tragedy. It had come upon them both at what Evan called crunch-time in their lives. For the survival of their respective souls, they had both needed something more than they were getting. Now that she could accept that, she could also recognise that her love affair with Evan had dominated her. Outwardly there had been no overlap between their lives. But, inwardly, the only place it really mattered, the overlap had been complete. So her life was shattered by Evan’s death. Emotional breakdown had been inevitable.

Lara could see now what strange compulsion had drawn her to the museum during that snow storm. She had lost her winning position in the love stakes with Sam and Jamal and could only see herself as an emotional failure, which she could no longer bear. She had sought a love life she could make a success of. She was trying to return to her beginnings as an adult, to the time of her innocent surrender of her adolescence and virginity. Lara was seeking to conjure up for herself a man who embodied the combination of qualities she had seen in that sexual act between Max and the Chinese girl. A richly humane and loving man who was a sexual animal as well, a man who both loved her and could satisfy her lustful nature.

Robert Graham was instrumental in making it all fit together. Now Lara really had herself in focus, flaws and all. She had a clear image of who she was – when she was living with Evan; and, before that, of the Lara Stanton who had chosen to become a Fayne and then an El-Raisuli. The real weaknesses in her character, and in her marriages and why they were doomed to failure. Those talks with Robert Graham became an exercise in rebirth. It was as if she had shed her former lives like so many skins. She was not like some born-again Christian but a born-again self.

Lara began trusting everyone around her again and, most importantly, herself. Her confidence once restored, her natural
joie de vivre
blossomed too. The charm and the good life were back on course. Once again people sought out the golden girl. She resumed that same life that she had created for herself, that had been so rich, full and rewarding, when Evan was alive. And he, if not forgotten, had been laid resignedly to rest in a corner of her heart, never lightly to be disturbed. As per his instructions.

Lara had gained a new identity for herself from Evan, she could see that now. Once aware of that, she understood that she had also acquired identities from the other men in her life. And now, like a man who assumes an identity from his work, Lara realised she was reaping her reward. She had experienced that enticing combination of almost domestic affection with a thrilling sexual life, a romantic love, with Evan. And she had no intention of settling for anything less again. She had once had a quest for one great love. Now, thanks to her talks with Robert, she could see that she had encountered many. And all different. She had no doubts that she would have more and make more mistakes before she found the man with whom she would feel compelled to settle down. She was not afraid. She still had a rage to live.

So far hers had been a life of love and loss, of isolation within relationships – until she had met Evan. Now she had to accept that, even in that great love, there had been flaws. But it had also brought her closer than any other relationship to the love she was looking for. Lara had no intention of filling the void left by his death with another escape bid. She did not intend to replace it with anything but the love of another good man.

She had been well enough for weeks to manage her
personal affairs. With Nancy and two assistants to help carry the work-load, she was once again at the helm. Lara had become more like Henry in his extraordinary ability to delegate. He managed his business affairs as insouciantly as he sailed his boat or rode in a good game of polo, took tea with his wife or advised a President. And Lara treated her work with a similar panache.

She delegated as required, and paid close day-to-day attention to people, projects, results, through specialist subordinates. She made herself mistress of the art of maintaining the unity and enthusiasm of those who worked closely with her, from senior people to workers in the field. She made the best use of her resources. People marvelled at her ability to keep her eye on the smallest detail, never taking it off the progress she expected from the assembly-line or the executive suite. She had learned well from her masters. Harland was still her top adviser, her trustee. On him she depended more than anyone never to squander valuable assets. Henry had taught all his children that Stanton rule. They had all lived by it and made their reputations on it. It was the banner Lara waved at international congresses on conservation, from California to Amsterdam to Ethiopia, wherever around the world her work took her.

She was a demanding boss, unafraid to fire subordinates who didn’t measure up to her standards. Yet her highly engaging personal style commanded loyalty. She had become a formidable lady.