Thorns of Decision (Dusk Gate Chronicles) (25 page)

“I’m going to go take a shower before dinner,” she mumbled to William.

Despite her earlier rescue, it was Linnea who didn’t let her escape so easily. She followed Quinn upstairs, all the way into her bedroom.

“I really was going to take a shower, Linnea.”

“What did Alvin say to you? I’ve never seen you like this.”

Quinn sighed, slumping down into one of her armchairs, allowing herself to think about and process his words for the first time. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

Linnea beamed. “I told you that you wouldn’t always feel new around here.”

“Funny, Nay.”

“So? What did he say?”

She pulled her legs up into her chest, resting her chin on her knees. Linnea sat down on a chair across from her, her gray eyes bright with curiosity, but also liquid with the empathy that made it so difficult to resist sharing things with her.

“He said I’m lying to my mom, and hiding from her.”

Linnea looked like she was waiting for Quinn to say something else. When she still hadn’t after nearly half a minute, Linnea finally spoke. “Aren’t you?”

Quinn buried her face in her knees. “I wasn’t thinking about it like that – like a lie,” she finally mumbled.

“What would you call it, then?”

“It isn’t like I had a choice, Linnea!”

“Of course you had a choice. There’s always a choice.”

“What was I supposed to do, Linnea? Tell her about the bridge, tell her where I was going?”

Linnea shrugged. “I don’t know, Quinn. I’m not saying that. I’m not saying I would have made a different choice if I were in the same position. All I’m saying is that it was a choice you made, and you did lie, and that usually has consequences.”

“That’s pretty much what Alvin said. That’s what he
always
says – it’s
always
my choice.
”

“Sounds like him, but he’s right. Are you upset now because he pointed that out?”

Quinn buried her head in her knees again. “I don’t know. I just wasn’t ready to think about it at all.”

“This isn’t like you, Quinn.”

She looked up at her friend. “What do you mean?”

“I mean … I’ve never seen you run away from a situation and hide like this before. When you wanted to know what Will was up to, you followed him. You didn’t give up until you had your answer. When Thomas was missing, you ran back here without even a second thought, demanding to go on the rescue mission, not letting up until you got what you wanted.

“Now … I know you’re mad at your mom. You have every right to be. She’s been hiding this crazy huge secret from you, and she hasn’t been playing fair. But why are you letting that stand in your way? That isn’t the Quinn I know.”

Her heart sank. She knew Linnea was right. “So are you saying you think I should go back?”

Linnea’s eyes were intense. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Quinn. Personally, I’d be happy if you stayed here forever. But you’re never going to get the answers you want – you
need
– by hanging around here and pretending that you can ignore it forever. She isn’t going to tell you what you want to know when she can’t even see you.”

*          *          *

“I’m really sorry I can’t go with you,” William said. “I hate the idea of you doing this all alone.”

“I know. You’ve told me. I don’t like it either, but it will be easier for me. I’ll only feel like I’m gone for a day.” She ran her hand from his shoulder down his arm until she reached his hand. They stood in the clearing a few feet away from the base of the bridge, talking while Linnea waited down by the river with the horses.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Why do you keep asking me that, Will? No, I don’t want to. It’s the last thing I want. It would be so much easier to stay here for the next ten days, to help your mother and your sisters with planning your birthday celebration. But I need to.”

“I know, sweetheart.” He leaned in and kissed her cheek, then rubbed his thumb under her chin. “I don’t mean to make it harder. This is just ... new to me. I’ve never had to let you go since...”

She smiled, and took his hand in hers again. “It’s different, isn’t it?”

It was different. She had a hard time believing how much things had changed between her and William during the last thirty days. Somehow he’d gone from being a sort-of friend she barely knew to someone she wasn’t sure that she was ever going to be able to walk away from.

The two of them had talked about this decision yesterday. A rare quiet day for William in the castle, he’d invited her out for another horseback ride after breakfast. They’d spent almost the whole day out riding, enjoying the horses, enjoying each other – definitely enjoying each other.

But after a relaxing picnic lunch near the river – and maybe a little too much kissing – their conversation had turned back to more serious things.

Ever since Alvin’s visit two days ago and her subsequent conversation with Linnea, she had been trying to make this decision, to go home and confront her mother. She’d already missed the gate opening twice while she’d been here; three days would have passed for her mother since she had left.

She knew that Alvin – and Linnea – were right. She had to have this conversation with her mother sometime. Until she did, there would really be no moving forward. She wasn’t certain if choosing to go back now was brave or cowardly.

On the one hand, by going now she was taking charge of the situation, and trying to get things settled.
However, another part of her acknowledged that the biggest reason that she wanted to do it now was so that if things went badly, she would still have another sixty days in Eirentheos to recover and pretend it had never happened. Her plan was to slip back to Bristlecone tonight. It would be Sunday. She could go home, confront her mom, and be back in Eirentheos on Monday night, still in plenty of time to prepare for the big coming-of-age celebration that was planned for William’s birthday.

“Is it safe to come back over here? Are you two through being mushy?” Linnea asked, coming to stand beside them.

William rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “I suppose so. Though you might want to leave again in a few minutes when I actually walk her to the gate.”

Quinn blushed. Things had definitely changed between her and William since she’d first come back here. Leaving was strange when things were so good with William here, both of them adhering to an unspoken agreement that they would just enjoy the time they had now and not worry about how things would change between them when Spring Break ended – which seemed a very long time from now, in Eirenthean days.

Yesterday had been a pleasant culmination of that. Going back right now was a reminder of reality that she wasn’t so sure she was prepared for, but she kept telling herself that she
wasn’t really going back to deal with her real life yet. She just wanted some answers. If she got some, she’d deal with those later, too – with Will.

“Do you have everything you need?” Linnea asked, eyeing the backpack slung over Quinn’s shoulder.

She shrugged. “I didn’t actually bring anything with me. I have no idea what Mia packed in here.”

“Your jacket, I hope,” William said, walking behind her and unzipping the pack. “Yes, here it is. You should put it on. It’s still a lot colder there than here.”

“Aw, look. Will’s a mother hen,” Linnea teased, and then dodged William’s hand as he reached to tousle her hair.

Quinn giggled, but took the jacket and removed her backpack so that she could shrug into it. William snatched the bag from her hand before she could set it down on the ground.

“Be safe, Quinn,” Linnea said, suddenly serious again.

“I will,” she said.

“We’ll be waiting here at the bridge for you when you get back.”

“I know.” Quinn wrapped herself in Linnea’s waiting arms, hugging her tightly. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yeah.” After one last hand-squeeze, Linnea turned and walked back down to the river. Quinn’s horse, Dusk, made a whuffling noise, sounding like she, too, was upset about the impending departure.

“Are you ready?” William asked, sliding the shoulder straps back over her arms for her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “No,” she said, opening them again. “I’m never going to be ready, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

He paused then, and looked right into her eyes, with the kind of intensity he only occasionally unleashed on her. She almost changed her mind about going, until he started speaking. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, and the last thing I want to do is spend the next ten days worrying about you, but I am proud of you, Quinn. And I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back.”

She buried her face in his chest, hiding her tears and breathing in his scent, knowing that his reassurance extended far past him just planning on being standing here physically upon her return.

He wasn’t fooled; by the time she finally pulled back, his handkerchief was in his hand. He gently wiped her face with it, and then tucked it in the pocket of her jeans. “You might need this when I’m not around,” he said, and then he leaned in to kiss her.

It was several minutes before Quinn could open her eyes on the other side of the gate. The difference in temperature had assaulted her immediately – it was colder here than she had been expecting. Or maybe it just felt that way as she absorbed the difference between being in William’s warm, safe arms on a late-summer evening, and standing here alone and scared on a chilly winter night.

Climbing down from the bridge was disorienting, and she felt out of place. There was no car waiting for her in the pull-off, no keys or cell phone hiding under a rock, nothing to do put pull her hood over her head, yank the zipper the last few inches, and start walking.

As she walked, she rehearsed the same lines in her head that had been playing for two days, ever since that conversation with Alvin on the side of the crumple field. She knew he was right, that she had lied to her mother, too, and was guilty of hiding information. Part of this mess was her own fault.

Alvin had stayed at the castle for another full day, often locked up in meetings with Stephen. He hadn’t said another word about her needing to talk to her mother, though last night at dinner she’d caught him studying her. He had left shortly after that – she’d never told him she was going to take his advice and go home.

She’d thought about it enough, though, to realize that even if she wasn’t completely innocent, she could still be angry. Wrong or right, the secret that she had hidden from her mother was
nothing
like the secret her mom had kept from her. Samuel had been her father, and she deserved to have known some of these things about him. It was beyond her why everyone would keep this from her, especially after she’d already discovered the gate and traveled to Eirentheos.

The further she walked, the angrier she became; a block before she reached her street, she had to stop herself to make sure that she wasn’t actually yelling out loud. But when she finally turned the corner, and she could see her house, the fear turned to dread.  How was she ever going to do this?

She paused for a long moment at the base of the driveway, seriously considering not going in. In the end, it was only the cold that propelled her forward. With the possible exception of Nathaniel’s house, she didn’t have anywhere else to go, and she wasn’t sure if he was working tonight – that would be an awfully long walk in this bitter cold just to be left standing outside an empty house.