This World We Live In (The Last Survivors, Book 3) (21 page)

As I biked to the library I thought about having to break one of the windows to get in. That seemed horribly immoral, as bad as breaking a window of a church. But lucky for me, someone else didn't feel that way, because the window was already broken. I let myself in.

It was filthy. I don't know why that surprised me, since we scrub frantical y to keep the soot manageable and there was no one at the library to do that. But there was something about the library being so cold, dark, and dirty that broke my heart. It felt like losing Horton again.

I didn't cry, though. There's enough to cry about without shedding tears over a building. Besides, if a miracle happened and Mom went to Dad's and found I wasn't there, I'd be grounded for life, which I pretty much am anyway, but this time it would be official.

I walked over to the reference section. Most of the books were stil there. Of course most of the books had nothing to do with col eges. I had to dust off the covers of a

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lot of no longer useful books before I found what I'd been looking for: The American Col ege Guide.

I almost didn't pick it up. I told myself I could pretend I hadn't seen it and bike back home before anyone noticed I was gone and forget al about it, and Alex and Julie would stay with us. At least Jon and Julie would be happy. Didn't I owe it to Jon to keep Julie from going? And Dad and Lisa? And Charlie? And if Jon was miserable, then Mom would be miserable, and if she was miserable, she'd make Syl miserable, and that would make Matt miserable. And everyone would make me

miserable.

Ignorance is bliss.

I picked up the book.

The col eges were listed in alphabetical order.

Sexton University was located in McKinley, Tennessee. It had a student enrol ment of 5,500 and was best known for its agricultural and veterinary programs.

There's something about succeeding, even at a job you don't like, that makes you push harder. I tore job you don't like, that makes you push harder. I tore out the page about Sexton University, then located a road atlas. There were five pages devoted to Tennessee, and I ripped them al out. Alex would have to find the state on his own, but once he got there, he could fol ow the map to McKinley.

Then, because I was al alone in a library and had already destroyed two books, I found my way to the poetry section, located an anthology of contemporary American poetry, and took it for Syl. I might even give it to her someday.

I stopped in at Dad's on my way home. Gabriel was yel ing his little baby head off.

"He's teething," Lisa said, like he needed an excuse to scream.

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Alex, Jon, and Julie were in the parlor. Alex was giving them a world history lesson. Alex probably felt history stil mattered. Julie believed Alex stil mattered, and Jon believed Julie stil mattered. Or maybe al three of them were actual y interested.

I could have interrupted, told Alex then and there about the safe town in McKinley, Tennessee, waved about the safe town in McKinley, Tennessee, waved goodbye as he and Julie left us forever, consoled the brokenhearted, consoled my own broken heart.

Instead I gave Alex a quick nod, returned my bike to our garage, and came up to my bedroom closet to write al this down. I'm spending so much time in here, I'm thinking about putting up curtains.

Alex told me to trust in tomorrow. Wel , maybe tomorrow I'l know what to do.

July 7

I stil haven't decided.

Instead of thinking, I scrubbed the house so clean that if decorating magazines stil existed, our house would be the cover.

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***

Chapter 16 July 8

I didn't sleep wel last night, and when I did, I had the same dream over and over, that I was alone in the house, which was our house but didn't look like our house. It was sparkling and new and I couldn't get over how beautiful it was, but every room I entered was empty. The more I had the dream, the more I knew the house was empty because everybody had died and I was the only person left alive.

After a while I gave up trying to sleep.

I thought about my choices. They seemed pretty simple at first. Either I told Alex or I didn't tel Alex.

Then it got more complicated. I could tel Alex now or I could tel Alex next week. Or I could decide whether or not I'd tel him next week. Or next month.

Or next year. Just because I didn't tel him now didn't mean I'd never tel him.

Of course when you can't be real y sure you'l be alive a year from now, postponing decisions is the same as making decisions.

That got me back to either I told Alex or I didn't tel Alex. Because it would take him and Julie months to get to Tennessee, and winter comes early these days. Like by the

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end of August. If I delayed tel ing him until then, he and Julie would set off anyway and have a lot harder time making it to Tennessee.

For al my talk about choices, I real y didn't have any. I'd tel Alex where the safe town was, and I'd tel him right away. He and Julie would stay through Monday. Two days from now.

They'd already stayed much longer than Alex had intended. If the convent had stil been open, they'd already have been gone for more than a week. My fantasy that Alex would have stayed with me was just that, a fantasy. He'd made a deal with God. Julie in the convent, Alex in the monastery. And Miranda?

Miranda was just another dream.

So I'd tel him. I'd hand him his walking papers.

Nothing lasts except fear, hunger, and darkness.

Five weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to imagine what I would feel loving, truly loving, a boy.

I'd had feelings. I'd had fantasies. But nothing like what I've felt for the past five weeks. It would have been like picturing a color you've never seen.

Five weeks. Maybe I'l live five more years, or five more weeks, or only five more days. But I've been given the gift of those five weeks, and I shouldn't be greedy for more.

Once I accepted that, it was a matter of waiting until morning. I'm pretty sure I fel back asleep, but the dreams were gone.

I walked over to Dad's after breakfast. Alex and Julie were in the parlor praying. I thought, I have the answer to their prayers, but of course I don't know what their prayers are.

When they finished, I let them know I was there. "I need to talk to you," I said to Alex, but there was stil a part of me that thought I didn't have to tel him.

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He waited for me.

"Outside," I said. "Let's go for a walk."

I didn't give Alex a chance to ask any questions. If I hesitated, I might not have gone through with it. We weren't ten feet from the house before I handed him the sheets of paper. "Syl says there's a safe town there," I said. "At Sexton University."

Alex stared at the pages. "Has she seen it?" he asked.

"No," I said. "She heard about it from someone who was there when they turned it into one. She didn't know where it was and I lied about why I asked. I went to town, to the library. This is what I found."

Alex read the write-up of Sexton. Then he reached over and kissed me. "We'l go tomorrow," he said.

"It's Saturday," I said. "Wait until Tuesday."

"I hate waiting," he said. "If we wait much longer, Julie won't make it."

"It's just a cough," I said.

"There's no such thing as just a cough," he said. I held him and we kissed again.

"You'l come with us," he said. There was no question in his voice, just the assurance that I would.

"Alex, I don't know," I said.

"No," he said. "You have to. Now that it's real, that Julie has a place to go, I can make plans for us."

"I'm not a Catholic," I said. "I can't convert for you."

"I'm not asking you to," he said. "I don't love you for what you believe. I love you in spite of what you believe."

"I believe in family," I said. "And so do you."

He nodded. "I thought the passes were the only thing I had of value. But you're what I value. I'l give Lisa two of the passes, for her and Gabriel. Julie can live with them in the

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safe town. Hal and you and I wil live outside of town. Charlie, too, if he wants. They're bound to need workers, people to farm and clean and keep the town running. Miranda, we can do it."

I thought about it as much as I could think with Alex's body so close to mine. I knew the journey would be hard, but it would be harder a month from now, a year from now, whenever the food ran out and we'd have to leave here. And I wouldn't have Alex.

If I left now, Mom would stil have Jon and Matt and Syl. She couldn't object if I went with Dad. Even if she did object, she couldn't stop me.

"Yes," I said. "Oh, Alex, yes."

July 9

It was one thing to tel Alex that I would go with him. It was a whole other thing to tel Mom.

I knew I had to. I couldn't vanish. I'd asked Alex to hold off tel ing Dad and Lisa until today, but once they knew, they'd come over to talk about plans.

It would be even worse if Julie told Jon and Jon told Mom before I had.

But it was Sunday, and Mom politely declined when Syl asked if she wanted to join them for their prayer service. I declined just as politely. Mom and I stood at the door and watched as Syl and Matt and Jon walked over to Dad's. I was alone now with Mom. I had no choice.

"There's something I have to tel you," I said.

I could see Mom calculate how bad it was going to be. But she didn't say anything, just gestured for me to sit by her side.

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"Alex has some papers," I said. "Three passes into a safe town."

"What's a safe town?" Mom asked.

"They're towns that stil work," I said. "The government set them up. They have electricity, I guess. Hospitals, schools. They're for important people to live in. People with connections."

"How did Alex get the passes?" she asked.

"Does his family have connections?"

"What difference does it make?" I said. "He has them."

"It makes a lot of difference," Mom said.

"Because the next thing you're going to tel me is you're going off with him and Julie and the three of you wil be fine and happy and I shouldn't worry because you'l be in a safe town, whatever that is.

But if Alex stole the passes or worse, then I want to know."

"I don't know how he got them," I said. "But I know Alex. He would never have stolen them."

"Al right," Mom said. "Somehow these passes fel into his lap. It's a miracle. Why hasn't he taken Julie there already? What was al the business about the convent if there's this lovely safe town waiting for them?"

"He didn't know where one was," I said. "They keep them hidden. I found out for him."

"And how did you find out?" Mom asked.

"That doesn't matter," I said. "I found out. I told him. He and Julie and I wil be leaving day after tomorrow. We're going to spend the rest of our lives together. Mom, he's giving up everything for me."

"You're the one who's giving everything up," Mom said. "You're giving up your home, your family."

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"No," I said. "That's what you don't understand, Mom. Alex is giving two of the passes to Lisa, for her and Gabriel. He'l let Julie live with them, and he and Dad and I wil live together nearby. That's what he's giving up, Mom. Those passes are worth a lot.

Alex could trade them for whatever he wants. But what he wants is me."

"And where is this paradise on Earth?" Mom asked. "Where you'l live just outside someplace with hospitals and schools."

"Tennessee," I said. "Sexton University, in McKinley, Tennessee. Alex says we're sure to get work there. You can't stop me, Mom, any more than you could stop Matt from fal ing in love. I'm going. I'l be with Dad. I'l be al right."

"You're not doing this to be with your father," Mom said. "At least be honest about that."

"I'm more honest than you ever were," I said.

"When you kept me from going with Dad last summer."

"I had to make that decision for you," Mom said.

"You weren't old enough to decide for yourself."

"I'm old enough now," I said. "And I've decided."

"Does your father know?" Mom asked.

"Alex is tel ing him today," I said.

"Wel , he'l be happy," Mom said. "A safe place for Lisa and the baby. Wil Charlie go with you?"

"I don't know," I said. "I hope so."

"I hope so, too," Mom said. "Because you're going to need al the help you can get, Miranda, when this blows up. You think you're grown up but you're not. You have no idea what love is. What you feel for Alex, it's pity and desire, not love. Not the kind of love two people build a life on."

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"Maybe that's what love is now," I said. "Pity.

Desire. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones because I stil have feelings. I don't know. I just know I can't bear the thought of losing Alex. This is my chance, maybe my only chance, to love somebody. I can't worry about what we'l build a life on. We have today. If we're lucky, we'l have tomorrow."

"What if you don't stay in Tennessee?" Mom asked. "How wil I know where you are?"

"We'l let Alex's brother know," I said. "Carlos Morales. He's in the Marines, stationed in Texas.

Alex can give you al his information."

"There's nothing I can say to change your mind?"

she asked. "You have no doubts?"

I had a thousand doubts, a mil ion doubts. "I love Alex," I said. "He loves me. I'm going with him."

"But not until Tuesday," Mom said. "If you do change your mind, it wil be al right. Alex wil understand and so wil your father. Promise me you'l think about it between now and then. I love you, Miranda, and I want what's best for you. Think about what you'l be giving up if you go. Think about it hard."

"I have thought about it," I said. "And I promise you I'l think about it more. But, Mom, I'm going. I know what I'l be giving up if I go. But I also know what I'l be giving up if I stay."

Mom took my hand. "This wasn't how things were supposed to be," she said. "You should be in high school, your future ahead of you. Not this."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way for Alex, either,"