This One Moment (14 page)

“So you want us to be fuck buddies?” Hailey said a little too loudly. I inwardly cringed at how she could've come to that erroneous conclusion. Our relationship so far hadn't screamed,
Hey, let's have a normal dating relationship.

A few moms near us glared at Hailey and her colorful language. I ignored them. “That's not what I'm saying at all. I want to be with you, Hailey. I want to go to sleep with you curled against me. I want to wake up and the first thing I see is you. I know I don't have the right to say this because I'm leaving soon, but it's how I feel.”

I meant every word. But what I didn't say but meant was that I wanted this for the rest of my life. Only it wasn't possible with the career I had signed up for. At least not for now.

“I want that too,” she said, the words almost a whisper.

Temporarily forgetting where we were standing, I closed the distance between us and kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her lips.

She parted them, and I plunged my tongue into her mouth. I flicked it against hers, a tease of what was still to come, then pulled away. “Maybe we should continue this
discussion
at home.”

She grinned, understanding what I really meant. The only thing I planned to discuss when we got home was which room she wanted to fuck in.

I threaded my fingers with hers. Her smirk faded to a sad smile. “Have you been to their graves yet?” she asked.

I tugged on my hand, needing to get away from her and this question. But she only held on tighter.

“You should really go there, Nolan.”

“I can't.” The words came out as a whisper, and I closed my eyes, squeezing the picture of their funeral from my brain.

“I know, but I'll be there with you. It might help you deal with the nightmares.”

My eyelids flew open and I stared at her. “How did you…?”

“How did I know? I've heard you tossing and turning. I've heard you call out during the night.” She ran her thumb under my eye. “And it's obvious you're not sleeping much. You looked tired when I woke up from the coma, but that was nothing compared to now. Now you look exhausted half the time.” She swallowed. “You weren't having nightmares in L.A., were you?” When I didn't answer, she continued, “It's why you need to either go back to L.A. or face your ghosts. You need to visit your mom and your sister.”

I wanted to make a joke, lighten things, change the direction of the conversation, but a nagging voice told me she was right. I owed it to them. I might have tried to move on with my life, but I'd never forgotten them.

“Okay,” I said. “I'll go to the cemetery.” I tightened my hold on her hand. “But you promise you'll come with me?” I looked into her warm brown eyes and saw my pain reflected back at me. “I don't think I can do this on my own.”

“I promise. As long as you want me, Nolan, you won't be alone.”

I didn't know if she meant I wouldn't be alone when it came to the cemetery or if she meant more than that. Fearing it was the former when I wished for the latter, I didn't ask.

Despite the heat in the car, cold gripped my body as Hailey pulled into the cemetery parking lot and found a spot. With the engine still running, she wrapped her warm hand around my shaky fist.

“It's going to be okay, Nolan. No matter what happens in there”—her gaze flicked to the cemetery entrance—“it will be okay.”

I took in the ornate black metal fence, the tall stone columns on either side of the entrance, and the thick blanket of white beyond that. The memory of my sister and mother being lowered into the ground flashed in my head, and it was like being kneed hard in the gut.

But no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much I'd rather be somewhere else, Hailey was right. I needed to do this.

I nodded, more to myself than to her, and opened the car door. A cold wind chilled me to the core. While I waited for Hailey to join me, I stood frozen, staring at the entrance. I closed my eyes against the memories of my last time here.

At the feel of Hailey's fingers weaving with mine, I opened my eyes. No rays of sunlight streamed down from the heavens, guiding me to their final resting spot. No signs whispered to me that my mom and sister were happy I'd come back to visit. All that greeted me was the heavy gray sky. “I don't even remember where they are.”

“I do,” she said.

Guilt wrapped around me tightly, squeezing the air out of me. Hailey had been here at least once since the funeral, while I'd stayed away like a coward.

She led the way to the two graves. My father wasn't buried here. After what he had done, after all those years of abuse and secrets, I'd refused to have his remains anywhere near theirs. I had no idea where he was buried and I didn't care. All I knew was that his parents had claimed his body. He wasn't sharing the same sacred grounds with the people I loved.

A fresh bouquet of red and white flowers rested against a tombstone. Christmas colors. My sister's favorite time of year.

My steps faltered. “I don't even have flowers.”

“They won't care about that.”

I nodded and let Hailey lead me to their final resting place.

In the days leading up to the funeral, I had been numb. Hailey's parents stepped in to help with the arrangements. I didn't even remember what Mom's and Sarah's gravestones looked like.

Releasing Hailey's hand, I dropped to my knees in front of the two shiny black granite gravestones, sitting side by side. A million things that I wanted to say to Mom and Sarah jostled around in my head, but the boulder-sized lump in my throat blocked the heartfelt words.

Hailey knelt next to me. And for the first time in forever, I didn't feel so alone. For the first time, the loneliness that had consumed me all these years curled up in the corner and gave me some space.

I could finally take a breath.

“I'm so sorry,” I whispered, looking between the two gravestones, doing my best to keep the memories at bay.

F
IVE YEARS AGO

The cop car was sitting outside my house when we arrived, my sister in the back like a common criminal. Except she wasn't the one who had done anything wrong. That honor went to my asshole father.

None of the street-facing windows were lit up. So unless my father was in another room not visible from the street or was in the dark, he wasn't home. Relief rushed over me, both bitter and sweet.

A voice in the back of my head whispered for me to turn around and drive. Drive as far and as fast as possible and never look back. But I couldn't leave my sister. I was fucking nineteen years old and had my whole life ahead of me, but I had to stay until I was better able to protect my family—or until my father kicked me out.

Doing my best to hide the anger hot inside me, I parked my car in the driveway and raced to the cop car. The storm had since passed, the last rays of the sun peering through the clouds. The officer opened the back door of his vehicle and Sarah hurled herself at me, knocking me back a step. I wrapped my arms around her, her clothes wet like my own.

“I was so scared, Nolan,” she said, her body shaking, and she started crying again. I couldn't tell if it was because of what happened or because she was relieved to be home. More likely a combination of both.

“It's gonna be okay.” I almost choked on the lie. “Thanks for bringing her home.”

The cop nodded. “Any word yet from your father?” He sounded concerned, which made my lie seem much worse. He didn't care that my father had disappeared to get drunk. He was concerned that something bad had happened to him.

He was the only one to share that sentiment.

I shook my head, unwilling to add another layer to the lie. At least my reply was the truth.

I peered at the neighboring houses. Until now my family had never caused as much as a raised eyebrow. My father would shit bricks if he thought we were the cause of neighborhood gossip. But maybe he should have thought of that before ditching Sarah.

“Have you tried calling him?” the cop asked.

“Why don't I take Sarah inside and get her warmed up?” Hailey broke in, handing my phone to me. I mouthed “thank you” before unlocking the front door and letting them in.

“No. I didn't have a chance to,” I told the cop. “Other than when I called 911, I was on the phone with my sister the entire time. I mean, other than while I was driving or changing the flat tire, and then my best friend”—I gestured to the house—“was talking to Sarah.”

“Fair enough.”

I got the hint and called Dad's number. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to answer or not. If he did answer, chances were good I'd have to lie to the cop about where my father was. He'd probably driven to the bar to pass time while Sarah was in her dance class and had lost track of the hours. It was too much to hope for that tragedy had struck him down and we'd be permanently free of his torment.

After several rings the phoned transferred to voicemail. “Hey, Dad, where are you?”
There's a cop here, and I've got to sound like I'm worried about you instead of ready to kill you
. “If you're looking for Sarah, I've got her.”
You know, in case you forgot all about her and need a not-so-subtle reminder of your parenting responsibilities.

I ended the call. “He's not answering.” I tried to sound worried. I'm sure I came a hundred miles short of it.

“What is your father's name?” the cop asked. “I can check if he's been involved in an accident.”

I told him, and he called in to see if any accidents had recently been reported.

“Do you want me to file a missing-person report?”

Did I? “Don't you have to wait forty-eight hours?”

“Not if there is suspicious activity involved in the individual's disappearance.”

Shit. What kind of suspicious activity was he thinking about? While I was positive nothing suspicious had happened to my father, I didn't want the cop to become alarmed about the whole situation.

“Does your father have a medical or mental condition I should be aware of?”

“Not that I know of.” Regret for contacting the police began suffocating me. How the hell was I going to talk my way out of this so he would leave before my mom or dad returned?

Realizing I didn't have a choice, I invited the cop into the house and gave him the information for the report, just to get rid of him.

After he finally left, I went upstairs to find Hailey and Sarah. Before heading to my sister's room, I quickly ducked into mine, changed into dry jeans and a T-shirt, and grabbed a hoodie.

My sister was snuggled under the bedcovers, cuddling her stuffed tiger, when I entered her room. Hailey was sitting on the bed, her wet clothes still clinging to her body.

“Hey, squirt. You okay now?” I handed the hoodie to Hailey and sat behind her as she put it on. This wasn't the first time I'd seen her in my clothing, and the effect on my body hadn't changed. A tingling longing tormented me, telling me to pull my best friend into my arms and hug her for everything she was doing for me and for Sarah.

Sarah nodded at my question, then yawned.

Hailey ruffled her hair and pushed herself off the bed. “See you later. Don't forget our date for this weekend.”

I didn't want Hailey to leave. I wanted her to stay a while longer. But I could tell she wanted to give Sarah and me some privacy so we could talk, and then I could reassure my sister again that she would never have to worry about a repeat of what happened tonight.

I would make sure of that.

I gave Hailey a smile that said a million things:
Thank you. God, you're beautiful. I want you to be with me forever.
Based on her sad expression, she'd seen none of that in my smile.

Once Hailey had left the room, I picked up Sarah's stuffed tiger. I'd given it to her when she was six years old. She'd been suffering from nightmares that a monster was going to hurt her. I told her the tiger would keep her safe.

I was doing a crappy job of keeping my promise.

“I'm sorry about tonight.” I handed her back the tiger. She clutched it to her chest. “But I promise you it won't happen again.”

She nodded, but this time a slight frown marred her otherwise innocent face. “Why doesn't Daddy love me anymore?”

My heart cracked at her words. “It's not that Dad doesn't love you anymore. He just…”
Shit
. “He just doesn't know how to show it.” I kissed her forehead and made a show of tucking her and her tiger in. “Good night. See you tomorrow.” I walked to the door.

“I love you, Nolan.”

I turned back to her and smiled softly. “I love you too, squirt.”

As I walked downstairs, Mom's and Hailey's voices rose to greet me. I couldn't hear what they were saying; the words were too quiet. I couldn't even determine if Hailey was telling my mom what had happened.

As I continued down the stairs, their words became clearer.

“I don't understand why you don't leave him.” Hailey.

“I know,” my mom said, her voice almost the whisper of a breeze. “Love is complicated.”

What the fuck?

I paused on the final step.

“How can you say that?” Hailey said. “This isn't love. Not even close to it.”

I quietly entered the kitchen. She was glaring at my mom, her body tense, my mother's face pale.

That's when they must have sensed me. They both turned around, and the guilt and confusion on my mom's face almost knocked me back a step. But I knew what had happened tonight wouldn't be enough for Mom to leave my father. It would have to be bigger, something just short of him killing her.

At the sound of the garage door opening, my heart pounded loud in my chest, sending Morse-code messages to anyone within a ten-mile radius. I grabbed hold of Hailey's hand and tried tugging her toward the front door. She stood firmly in place and yanked her hand away. Shit, what was she up to?

“Look, Hailey, I have to get you out of here.”

“Why? Is your father going to bully me like he bullies you? Is he going to hurt me like he hurts you?”

The door to the garage clicked open. Footsteps thumped from the laundry room, their sound uneven. My father was drunk enough that he stumbled as he walked.

I grabbed Hailey's hand again, and this time she didn't resist me. But it was too late. Before we could make it to the front door, my father stepped from the laundry room.

Fuck
.