This Little Piggy (35 page)

The heat made Clare’s head feel ready to explode. Sweat trickled down her back. She tried not to breathe too hard, terrified of fainting out here on the cliff edge. She had no idea what to say. Except she had a painful certainty inside that this time, Amy was telling the truth.

“Do you hate me now?” Amy was tapping Clare’s arm.

Clare shook her head, slowly, trying to ignore the loud buzzing inside her head and think straight. “Of course I don’t. Don’t ever think that.”

“But I can’t go to the police, see, because they’ll find me out. And then they will put me in prison, won’t they? I’m a murderer.”

Clare tried to swallow. “You’re not. You’re not a murderer. You’re someone who had a terrible accident and didn’t know what to do.”

“But I’ll still go to prison, won’t I? ’Cos I told lies to the police. They can put you in jail for that, I know they can.”

“So you ran down and tried to hide Jamie, right?”

Amy nodded. “I went and hid with him, by the bins. I was hoping he might just wake up and be okay. I sang to him and nursed him and tried to make him better. Only he wouldn’t wake up.”

“So what did you do then?”

“I ran away. I felt bad leaving him because he was just a little baby. But I was afraid of getting in trouble, really big trouble. I thought they’d put handcuffs on me and all the other kids would laugh when they put me in the police car.”

“So you just went home?”

Amy nodded. “I had some blood on my T-shirt and it was me mam’s top really. I thought she’d give me a clip for wearing it and getting it mucked up. So I got changed. Then I came down here and put the top in the sea. So that no one would find it and the water might wash the blood out.”

Clare rubbed her temples, trying to stop her head thumping. “You thought it through. How did you know to do all this?”

Amy shrugged. “Cop shows on the telly, I s’pose. Murderers always throw their clothes away. And when I was getting ready for bed, I remembered I’d taken Jamie’s hat off when I was playing with him and put it in my shorts pocket. And then I was really scared ’cause everyone was going mad about the baby and I had his hat.”

She drew her knees up towards her. Max flopped his big head onto his front paws. “I think that’s why Jamie’s ghost kept coming to bother me. Because I had his hat. But I didn’t know what to do with it.”

Clare stared at Amy, not sure what to say next. “I still say the ghost is in your head. Because you feel guilty. But you didn’t mean it, remember. It was an accident. The police will…”

“You’re not going to tell the police. You promised.” Amy ruffled Max’s matted fur. “Anyway, then there was the thing with Debs.”

“Debs? What about her?”

“I went in to see her because I looked in the window and she looked all sad. Only she knew. She looked at me and she said, ‘Hey, you were there, the day Jamie died, I remember now.’ I tried to say she was wrong but she kept going on at me. She was crying. And she was saying I must know what’d happened to him.”

Goosebumps crept up Clare’s arms. “So what did you do?”

“I wanted her to just shut up. I pushed the cushion in her face. I killed her too.”

“Amy…”

“I didn’t really mean for her to die,” Amy went on, her voice coming out in gulps, getting faster and faster. “I just wanted to shut her up. That was all. Just to stop her crying and saying that I must know what happened. She was a bit dopey, you know? Because of the pills, I suppose. She put a big handful of pills in her mouth while she was talking to me and she was spitting because she was shouting at me and it was all horrible. I just wanted to stop it, for a minute.”

No one spoke for a moment. Clare edged slightly, almost imperceptibly, away from Amy. The sounds of the sea, the breeze and families chatting and laughing nearby seemed as if they were a long way away, along some tunnel, in some other world.

Then Clare said: “You didn’t kill her.”

Amy turned to look at her. “Yes, I did.”

“I just spoke to the police about Debs the other day. She was already very weak and ill. She took too many tablets, Amy. That’s why she died.” Clare tried to keep her breathing steady and her voice calm.

Amy started to shake, quite hard. In spite of herself, Clare found she was putting her hand back on Amy’s shoulder. “And you got the ambulance, remember?”

Amy was still shaking hard. Clare wished she could make it stop.

“Yes. But I waited a few minutes first. Maybe I could’ve saved her?”

Clare shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

Amy picked up a handful of dried cut grass and scattered it over the cliff edge. “What’s going to happen to me, Clare?”

“I really, really don’t know. But I’m sure they don’t send kids your age to prison.” Something niggled at the back of Clare’s mind about ten being the age of criminal responsibility. But she was sure that wouldn’t mean jail.

Amy gave a small smile. “I do feel a bit different. I think it’s ’cos I’ve told you all about it.”

“Maybe you feel a bit, I don’t know, lighter. You shouldn’t be carrying such awful stuff round in your head. That’s the only reason you hear ghosts.”

“Except for your ghost. The one of your baby that was lost. That should’ve been in your head, not mine.”

“It is in my head, Amy. I promise it is. It’s in my head all the time.”

Amy reached out and slipped a sticky hand into Clare’s. She wrapped her fingers around, very tightly. “I think there’s a way to make the ghosts go away.”

Clare tried to shuffle backwards a little, surprised at how strong Amy’s grip was around her hand. “What do you mean?”

“I did a really bad thing. Maybe I did two really bad things. I think that if the same thing happens to me that happened to Jamie, everything will be okay.”

Clare tried to uncurl her fingers, but Amy was not letting go. “That’s why I came here. Look.” She raised her and Clare’s hands and pointed with one of her dirty fingers out over the drop. “You know what? I’ve always wanted to jump over there. Just to see what it feels like. I bet for a minute you feel like you’re a seagull, flying in the wind.”

“Amy. You mustn’t think about ever doing that. It’s too high. You would kill yourself.”

“I know that, you stupid. That’s what I mean. You would feel like you were flying and then you would be dead. And everything bad would be gone away.”

Clare tried to pull herself and Amy backwards, but the pounding and banging inside her head was getting louder and black shapes kept dancing in front of her eyes. Amy stood up, tugging on Clare’s arm. “Your ghost will be gone too. You won’t be sad anymore. Come on…”

Clare tried to struggle to her feet, every part of her body still in pain and yet, at the same time, not feeling quite real. Again she tried to pull her hand away, confused at how weak and disoriented she still was. Without looking at the cliff edge, Amy just ran backwards, and tumbled over the edge. Clare’s arm wrenched as she fell with her, to the sound of Max letting out a low howl and the sight of rock and grass rushing past her, before she passed out and couldn’t see anything anymore.

fourteen

Monday 6th August
Joe sat outside the church as the two coffins – one adult-sized, one heartbreakingly small – were carried inside. They were covered in so many white flowers that Joe thought the damp blooms could well weigh more than the people whose names they spelled out. From inside, the soft sound of the hymn Lord of All Hopefulness streamed out onto the summer morning air. Joe had been brought up as a Catholic but he didn’t find the music any comfort. He hadn’t even wanted to come at all; he didn’t like churches and he hated funerals even more. He was only doing this for Clare. He pulled out a cigarette from a newly-bought pack and lit up, turning his back and taking long, desperate drags as quickly as he could. Throwing it down half-finished on the grass, he went inside the church to sit at the back.

Later, in the hospital, he sat at Clare’s bedside and tried to recount the details. “Loads of people, as you’d imagine. Most of the estate turned out. They had those awful flowers shaped into teddy bears and the words ‘Mum’ and ‘Jamie’. The priest was going on about how he’d married Debs and christened baby Jamie. And there he was doing their funeral. I don’t know what point he thought he was making. It just made me think how senseless everything is. And what a mess it’s all been. One horrible accident, a whole string of pointless deaths, a whole estate that will take years to recover.”

“I know what you mean.”

Joe looked at Clare, with her arm and leg in plaster and cuts and bruises across her face. “But you’re still here. Thank god. I don’t know what I would have done if…”

“Shut up. I was lucky.”

“Lucky? Landing on a ledge instead of falling all the way down the cliffs. And that mutt of a dog baying until someone spotted you and called the coastguard. The doctors said it was a miracle. And if I was a believer, I’d agree.”

“Let’s just stick with lucky, then.” Clare shifted in the bed, groaning at the pain. “Any more news about Amy?”

“The hearing’s tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? That’s quick. Will she be well enough?”

“She might not have to be there.”

“That doesn’t seem fair, does it? Not when they’re deciding what to do with her whole life.”

“I wish you’d stop caring about her. She tried to kill you. She nearly succeeded.”

Tuesday 7th August
“I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe the hospital staff agreed to it. And I really can’t believe you want to be here.” Joe nodded at the court official who held open the doors so that he could push Clare’s wheelchair through. “No, hang on. Strike that last bit. Of course you want to be here. You’re an idiot.”

“I was asked to be here, remember? In case they needed to check anything in my statement.”

“Yes, but you could’ve said no. I think you have a reasonable excuse.”

In the small court room set up for a family hearing, two care home staff flanked Amy, who was pale but much cleaner than usual and with her arm in a sling. Tina was there too, a bewildered expression on her face as Geoff Powburn detailed the squalid state of the house and the way she regularly left Amy alone. He read out a letter from Amy’s school, which said that she often truanted and that when she was at school, she could be difficult and disruptive. A psychiatric report wasn’t any more complimentary but said there would be a police investigation into the fact that the child had clearly suffered abuse. When the details of Jamie’s death were read out, Amy covered her face. Tina cried, quietly.

“Amy is not yet ten years old,” Geoff told the court. Clare frowned. She looked across at Tina and then at Amy, but neither of their faces suggested that he had his facts wrong. “She is below the age of criminal responsibility. So the best option for her, we feel, is to place her under the care of the local authority.”

Amy wailed. Tina stood up, wobbling slightly. “Do I get any say here?”

The judge nodded. “Of course.”

Tina steadied herself by holding onto the back of her chair. She looked around the room. Clare stared down at the floor, not wanting to meet Tina’s eyes.

“I know I’m a bad mother. I never knew what to do with Amy half the time. But I…” Tina swallowed.

She must know, Clare thought, that she’s out of her depth here. Why didn’t she have a lawyer to speak for her?

“When she said Mickey hurt her, I didn’t know whether it was one of her stories. But I never left them alone together again. That was good, right?” She stared around the court room. No one spoke.

Tina’s voice trembled. “I was brought up in care. I hated every minute of it. I don’t want that for Amy. All that stuff with the baby. I think she just got it all off the telly. She’s not a really bad kid, not at heart. Can I… can I try again?”

There was a short silence. The hopeless inadequacy of Tina’s words seemed to have the effect of embarrassing the panel, more than anything else. They left the court briefly to consider what to do, but came back after a few minutes to rule that Amy would, of course, be put into care. As she stood up, Tina gave her daughter a hard hug. She slid a bar of chocolate into the pocket of the girl’s shorts and promised to come and see her soon. Clare looked down, hoping that no one could see her eyes filling up. The painkilling medication only helped with the physical wounds.

“
Wait
.”

Everyone stopped rustling their papers and scraping their chairs as Amy spoke up. The chairman of the bench looked at her and gave the court room a nod, to indicate that he would hear what she had to say.

Amy took a deep breath in, as if she was about to read out her script in a school play. “I don’t have to go into care. Clare will look after me, as soon as she’s better. Won’t you, Clare?”

Everyone turned to look at Clare. She felt frozen in everyone’s gaze, caught out by Amy once again. The thought flashed through her mind: this is what she’d imagined, although not in these circumstances. To rescue Amy. To give her a better chance. To appease her own aching body for the loss of a baby that she hadn’t even known she wanted.

She closed her eyes. And acting against all her instincts, she shook her head: no.

It was Geoff Powburn who spoke up. “That’s not a viable option, your Honour, even if Miss Jackson was in full health. Although Miss Jackson clearly befriended Amy with the best of intentions, she would not be able to properly care for a child with such complex emotional issues.”

The chairman of the bench spoke kindly to Amy, explaining that she was not in a position to choose who to live with at the moment and that care was the best option for her. Clare sat staring at the dull wooden floor, while voices murmured around her like buzzing flies, until things went quiet. Amy, her fingers gripping the chocolate, looked over at Clare for a split second. Clare knew what the look meant. It said:
You let me down
.

As the two women from the council care home indicated to Amy that she needed to leave the court, and one of them placed a hand on her back, the girl started to scream. They each took an arm and pulled her, kicking, biting and struggling, out of the door. Clare heard her name being yelled repeatedly as they took Amy down the corridor. It seemed to take a long time until the sounds faded away. The people on the panel had already gone.