This Isn't What It Looks Like (37 page)

^*
I
N CASE YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT IT
, I
HASTEN TO INFORM YOU THAT
Y
O
-Y
OJI’S GUITAR WAS A VERY LIGHTWEIGHT MODEL, UNLIKELY TO DO SERIOUS LASTING DAMAGE
.

^*
I
REFER, OF COURSE, TO
K
ING
S
OLOMON’S FAMOUS OFFER TO SPLIT IN HALF A BABY THAT WAS CLAIMED BY TWO SEPARATE WOMEN
. H
E ASSUMED THAT A REAL MOTHER WOULD RATHER GIVE UP HER BABY THAN SEE IT IN PIECES
. O
BVIOUSLY, HE’D NEVER MET
M
AX
-E
RNEST’S PARENTS
.

^*
N
OTE
: A
S YOU PROBABLY KNOW, ON MOST BLOGS, NEWER POSTS APPEAR BEFORE OLDER ONES, SO YOU THE SEE MOST RECENT POST FIRST
. H
ERE, FOR YOUR READING CONVENIENCE
, I
HAVE REARRANGED
G
LOB’S POSTS SO THEY NOW APPEAR IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, OLDEST FIRST
. I
HAVE ALSO TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF CORRECTING A FEW TYPOS
.

^*
Y
O
-Y
OJI WAS RIGHT
. Y
OU
CAN
MAKE A CAMERA OBSCURA YOURSELF
. A
ND IT JUST SO HAPPENS YOU WILL FIND INSTRUCTIONS FOR DOING SO IN THE BACK OF THIS BOOK
.

^*
W
ITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO THE SECRETARY
, I
BELIEVE THE PLURAL OF
CAMERA OBSCURA
SHOULD BE
CAMERAE OBSCURAE
.
I
N OTHER RESPECTS, HER ACCOUNT IS CORRECT
. N
OBODY IS SURE HOW MANY ARTISTS USED CAMERAE OBSCURAE, BUT
L
EONARDO DA
V
INCI WROTE ABOUT THEM IN HIS NOTEBOOKS, AND
V
ERMEER IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO HAVE USED ONE
.

^*
A
PART FROM BEING AN EXPERT DECODER
, M
AX
-E
RNEST WAS A MUMBLER HIMSELF, AND HE’D ALWAYS BEEN VERY GOOD AT INTERPRETING THE SOUNDS
B
ENJAMIN MADE—THAT IS, THE
OLD
B
ENJAMIN
.

^*
I’
M SORRY TO SAY THAT THE
S
EER IS INCORRECT—ABOUT FLIES AT LEAST
. S
TRICTLY SPEAKING, A FLY HAS ONLY TWO EYES
. E
ACH FLY EYE HAS HUNDREDS OF FACETS AND THEREFORE CAN SEE IN HUNDREDS OF DIRECTIONS—ERGO, THE MYTH THAT A FLY HAS EIGHT HUNDRED
EYES
.

^*
O
N THE OFF-CHANCE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER COMPETED IN ANY MEDIEVAL TOURNAMENTS
, I
SHOULD TELL YOU THAT THE WORD
QUINTAIN
HERE REFERS TO THE TARGET AT WHICH THE KNIGHTS AIM THEIR LANCES
.A
HASTILUDE
, MEANWHILE, IS ANY KIND OF MILITARY-STYLE GAME THAT WAS UNDERTAKEN IN THE
M
IDDLE
A
GES, BUT MOST ESPECIALLY A JOUST.

^*
M
ARY
Q
UEEN OF
S
COTS DID, IN FACT, FAMOUSLY PLOT AGAINST HER COUSIN
Q
UEEN
E
LIZABETH VIA SECRET, CODED MESSAGES HIDDEN IN WINE BARRELS
. U
NLUCKILY FOR
M
ARY
, E
LIZABETH’S SECRETARY HAPPENED TO BE
E
NGLAND’S PREMIER SPY AND CODEMASTER
. H
E CRACKED THE PLOTTERS’ CODE, AND A DOUBLE AGENT MONITORED THEIR COMMUNICATIONS
. I
N THE END
, M
ARY’S FATE WAS NOT SETTLED VIA A JOUST, HOWEVER
. S
HE WAS FOUND GUILTY OF CONSPIRING TO KILL THE QUEEN AND SHE WAS EXECUTED
.

^*
A
S YOU MAY KNOW
, D
R
. J
OHN
H. W
ATSON IS
S
HERLOCK
H
OLMES’S FRIEND AND OCCASIONAL PARTNER IN DETECTION, AS WELL AS THE NARRATOR OF THE
S
HERLOCK
H
OLMES STORIES
. H
E PLAYS THE ROLE KNOWN AS
SECOND FIDDLE
—A ROLE
C
ASS WOULD NEVER WANT FOR HERSELF
.

^*
A
PPENDICES
IS A PLURAL FORM OF
APPENDIX
. I
N THE PAST
, I’
VE CHOSEN TO EMPLOY THE SINGULAR FORM AT THE END OF MY BOOKS, BUT EVERY TIME
I
SEE THE WORD
I
THINK OF THE INTERNAL ORGAN OF THE SAME NAME AND IMAGINE AN OPERATION TO REMOVE THE APPENDIX FROM THE BOOK IN QUESTION
.
A
PPENDICES
SOUNDS LESS MEDICAL TO MY EAR
. A
LSO IT IS ARGUABLY MORE CORRECT BECAUSE
I
ALWAYS HAVE MORE THAN ONE SECTION IN THE APPENDIX/APPENDICES OF MY BOOKS, AND EACH SECTION IS A KIND OF APPENDIX OF ITS OWN—AND
PROBABLY SHOULD BE REMOVED BY A DOCTOR.

^*
Y
OU KNOW THE RULES
: W
HOEVER BLINKS FIRST LOSES.