THIS Is Me... (22 page)

  It's been over two weeks since I last saw Z.  Two loooong weeks. And I miss him terribly, I know I do.  I had such a short period of time with him, such a limited time to kiss him and to just look at him knowing he loved me.  And it was so amazing, but so damn short.
  Things with the baby haven't changed for me.  I still don't want it, and I still won't keep it, but I've accepted the fact that I'm actually pregnant now.  I've had to. 

  Against my will, I'm getting a bigger lower belly which is a constant torturous reminder that there's a baby in my body. Oh, and every single person who enters this room talks about it, asks about it, or stares at it, so it’s kind of hard to forget I'm knocked up.
  Thank god, Mack and his Kayla are still awesome to me, even if they think what and how I feel is wrong.  They talk to me and answer all my questions.  I see Mack everyday still, but I've only seen Kayla for two days, twice in the last two weeks, though she does phone me from New York every single day.  Mack and Kayla are still a constant, and though this helps, I
know
I'm missing Z.
  A few days ago, Mack explained to me his conversation with Z over the baby.  Mack told me that Z was no longer angry with me but that he
was
hurt and resigned to the fact that I wanted no part in this.  Z apparently asked Mack to take good care of me and his child, until he could have his baby to care for himself; a baby he apparently wants desperately.
  Mack was devastated telling me about their conversation- I could see it.  And though he tried so hard to stay calm and detached, he was clearly shaken.  I can just imagine how hard that conversation was for Mack, never mind for Z.  I know how hard it must have been; and I'm really, truly sorry for that, but I still haven't changed my mind over this baby issue.
  Every day I hope Mack was right and I change and I suddenly feel something for this baby, but I don't.  It's like this never ending bad dream for me.  This baby is a constant reminder of the love I had with Z- The
night
I had with Z.  A night I clearly remember now in amazingly
graphic
detail.
  God, I wish the memory of that night was enough.  I wish I could call Z and tell him I'm sorry.  I wish I could tell him I want his baby.  I wish I could tell him I want him back in my life, but I can't.  I no longer hate or resent Z, but I still hate and resent this horrible situation I'm in.
  I even contemplated faking a change in attitude toward his baby so he would come back to me.  But I knew Z and Mack would be able to tell I was lying, which would get me nowhere with Z, other than more heartache when he left me inevitably.  And so I've stayed quiet about my feelings for Z so we can all move on.

  Z has to move on from me.  I
know
that, but I still miss him.
  Sadly, I miss Chicago Kayla too.  She still calls me but she doesn't visit anymore, and she doesn't act the way she used to with me. 
  Confused by her sudden absence, I asked Mack if he knew why she was distant toward me since my memories returned.  Desperately, I begged him to tell me why my awesome Chicago Kayla was no longer so awesome with me.  And eventually he sat down and told me what happened between us.
  Once the disgusting tale of 'Suzanne and The
Red
Robe' was told I learned all I did and said to her, and I was absolutely horrified.  Afterward, I collected myself enough to call Kayla.  When she answered, I apologized immediately which she kindly accepted, but then she admitted regardless of my apology, things for her were different now in the aftermath. 
  She said she believes that like a drunk, my madness allowed me to say the things I wouldn't have normally said.  When I told her she was wrong, she still didn't believe me.  She said she forgave me, and she too apologized for not being able to move past my outburst, but sadly she just couldn't. 
  Kayla choked up and told me she felt betrayed by me, though admittedly it wasn't
really
my fault.  She said she can't stop feeling like I betrayed our friendship with my disgusting words and with my honest thoughts of her.  And though I swore she was wrong- that those were NOT my honest feelings toward her, she again said she just couldn't believe me anymore.
  Kayla told me I hurt her deeply, though she knows it was caused by a very bad moment.  She knows I didn't know what I was saying or doing, especially considering my mind was all wrapped up in past and present memories at the time, but again she can't forget.  She even acknowledged the red robe I've heard about, and told me she knew things were going to get bad quickly- She just didn't think they would get bad for her.
  And so I'm at a loss.  I've cried to Mack and Kayla about
other
Kayla, and they each told me it'll just take some time to mend our previous friendship.  They reminded me that she still calls me and still cares enough to talk to me, no matter how indifferent she may seem, which I guess is something.  But it still hurts. 

  Everything hurts. 

  I remember the potential of the 'fiver' but it's gone now.  Z is gone, and Kayla is essentially gone.  I have a friend I miss.  I have a man I miss.  I know the love I'll never experience again.  And I have a child growing in my body that I don't want.
  Last week, Marcus even snuck back into my room and we had a good, long talk.  Marcus admitted to losing it about the baby, and he admitted to telling me lies about Z.  He admitted to his part in my confusion and upset.  And he admitted to wanting to physically hurt me in that moment, which was really hard to hear from him.
  Afterward, Marcus was so sad I think I felt terrible for him.  Actually, I'm sure I did, but I also felt true fear of him for the first time.  And when I admitted as much, Marcus was so horrified that I feared him physically; he bowed his head and cried a little, then eventually told me it was time for him to go.   
  He told me he loved me forever and that he sincerely hoped I had a good life.  He said he hoped my baby was well, but he admitted that he couldn't be a casual observer to my life anymore.  He told me he wasn't going to contact me again, and he didn't want to see me ever again, because knowing me was just too hard for him now. 
  After a rather desperate silence following his words he stopped crying, kissed my cheek, and left my room for the very last time I believe.
  And so here I am.  Z is gone because of my choices and refusals.  Kayla is gone because of my madness and betrayals.  And Marcus is gone because I can't love him as he loves me.  My life has become one gigantic, semi-lonely Clusterfuck, as Kayla used to say. 
                                              *****

  Waiting for Mack I have a very important question to ask him- a favor really.  But it's big and I'm scared to death he's going to say no, but I've pulled up my big girl (and growing by the minute) panties and I'm going to ask it anyway.
  Waiting, I'm almost hyperventilating over my question.  I have other options, but this is what I want badly.  This is the choice I want to make, and I really hope Mack is on board with me.
  When I hear the knock, I practically jump out of the bed.  Okay.  Breathe.  Yelling for Mack to enter, he smiles at me as he opens up the door.
  “Hi, Mack!”  Ooops.  A little loud.  Calm down.
  “Hi, Suzanne.  How are you feeling?”
  “Fat,” I laugh.
  “You don't look fat,” he smirks.
  “Fine.  Chunky again.”
  “You were never 'chunky', and you certainly don't look it now.  How was the exam?”
  “Good.  It's still in there and
clearly
growing,” I mumble.
  “The
baby
is still in there,” he prompts.
  “Fine.  The
baby
is fine and I'm getting fat, though I really never feel like eating, which is kind of warped.  I mean, for the first time in my life I'm supposed to eat and get fat, but I have no appetite at all, which seems totally unfair, don't you think?”
  “Yes, it does.  You
are
eating though, right?” He asks me sternly.
  “Of course.  I'm gagging down every gross thing they bring me.”
  “Good.  Now what's so important that I had to be here by 7:00am, versus my usual 8:00?”
  Um... Shit.  This is hard.  Crap.  Okay.  Spit it out.  Mack is always awesome with my insanity.  This will probably be no different.
  “Suzanne?”  He asks expectantly, while sitting in the chair beside me.  Oh!
  “I just remembered you told me you always sit down when talking to me so I'm not afraid of your height!  Shit!  I forgot that, but it's true, right?  You told me that, didn't you?”
  “Yes, I did tell you that.  And yes, it's true.  Tall men intimidate you, and being 6'2 is certainly taller than you.  Therefore, I try to always be lower or at least level to you when we speak so you're not scared or intimidated by me.”
  “You're so amazing Mack.  Is there anything you aren't amazing at?”
  “No, not really,” he says so seriously, I burst out laughing. 
  Looking at him, I know I'm right.  I know it.
  “Can I move in with you?”  There.  Gulp.  Shit.  Silence.  “The final skin graft was good, and I'm not scheduled for another laser surgery for 4 weeks, and I'm walking better, and I'm feeling better, and I'm barely crazy now, and, um, please?  They said I can go home now.  Dr. Mirabelli was here late last night talking to me about the Physio I
have to
do when I leave or she'll kick my ass.  And Dr. Robinson agreed I can go home now.  But I don't really have one, a home I mean, and you're my best friend, and we get along so well, and I'm scared to be alone like this,” I say pointing to my stomach.  “Um, please Mack?  Please can I live with you?”
  “Suzanne, I don't think-”
  “WAIT!  Just listen.  I know you have a 2 bedroom apartment that you're renting here, Kayla told me once, and I have lots of money, so I can pay for half of it, or even all of it, or we can get another place, or move back to New York if you want since I'm out of the hospital and Kayla's back in New York and you love it there. New York is your home, and you've given up too much for me already.  Whatever you want.”
  Cutting me off, “Suzanne, I don't think-”
  “MACK!  I promise I'll be good.  I promise I will obey you and do everything right.  Please, Mack?  Please?  I won't be bad.  I'll be the best roommate EVER!  Please keep me.  Please?”
  “Suzanne, stop.  Listen to yourself.  You're being all manic and desperate again.  You're speaking and begging like the old Suzanne would've.  Stop.  You're regressing and I don't want that.”
  “I'm sorry, Mack.  Tell me what you want and I'll do it.  I'll stop regressing.  I'm sorry.”
  “Why do you need this?  I'm still here in Chicago, and I'll still be your best friend, and I'll still visit you in your new place, which incidentally you've already rented and furnished.  So what's going on?”
  “I'm just scared, Mack.  And I don't want to do this alone without you.”
  “I'll be with you...”
  “NO YOU WON'T!  You'll be living somewhere else, and eventually you'll stop visiting me.  And what if something happens to me?  What if I have another accident?  What if Z's child gets hurt?  What if I get sick?  Who will help me?”
  “Suzanne.  I'm sure you know this isn't a good idea.”
  “I DON'T know that.  I think this is an
excellent
idea.  Please, Mack?  God, I'm begging you.  Please?”
  “Um, I need to discuss this with Kayla.”
  “No you don't!  She'll be fine with it!  She likes me, and she would want me safe!”
  “I still need to discuss this with her and I need time to think about it myself.  Suzanne, this is a big step, for not just you but for me as well.”
  “Please Mack.  I'll be a great roommate.  Oh god, I'm begging you.  I've thought of nothing else all night.  I promise this is a good thing for us.  Well, mostly for me, but I'll be so good it'll be a good thing for you too.  When Kayla is in New York, you'll have someone to talk to.  You'll have a best friend to talk to.  I won't bug you, I swear!”
  “Suzanne, what are you so afraid of?”  Mack asks with his 'talk to me' face.  Shit.
  “Nothing.  Everything.  I'm afraid something's going to happen to me again if I'm alone.”
  “Like what?”
  “Who knows with me?  Maybe I'll fall in the shower, or I'll have another burst aneurism, or I'll go all mental.  Really Mack, the options are limitless.  I just know I don't want to be alone, but not like that!  Oh, if that's what you're thinking-”
  “I'm not thinking that, Suzanne.  I'm just trying to figure out why you're so desperate for this so suddenly when you and I already found and rented you an apartment.  Why didn't you discuss this with me before?”
  “I don't know why now.  Dr. Mirabelli made leaving official last night and I suddenly became scared.  And all I could think about was being alone, and not being with people around, and not being with you.  I thought of you all night, but not like
that
.  I just thought since I see you every day anyway, why not be roommates for a while?  If you hate it I'll leave, I promise.  But please Mack, please let me come home with you.  I really need you, and I don't want to do this alone.”
  “What about Z?  Have you given any thought to talking to him about your fears?”
  “No. I miss him, but I don't think being afraid to be alone is a good enough reason to try to be with him again.  It just seems wrong somehow.”
  “I see your point, but he should be told.  I mean, you're carrying his child and this'll make things awkward between him and I-”
  “No it won't!  Think about it.  If he and I can't be together, then at least
you're
watching out for me.  He'll be relieved by that.”
  “Suzanne, that's a little naïve.”
  “No it isn't!”  Suddenly crying, I'm just desperate for Mack to say yes.  I
need
him to say yes.  “Please Mack.  Please let me live with you.”
  When Mack just stares at me, I'm nervous.  He's thinking too much.  I think he's being all doctorly, analyzing this situation too intensely.  Please don't think!  PLEASE!
  “Okay, Suzanne.  You can live with me
temporarily
but we're treading some fairly heavy boundaries here.  If I was still your personal physician I would be in a great deal of trouble.  As it is, I'm sure others will think this situation WAY beyond appropriate.”
  “I know, and I'm sorry.  But it's innocent.  It's just two friends being roommates.  It's just two friends sharing space.  That's all, I swear.”
  “Alright, Suzanne.  But I need another day.  Can you stay here one more day before being discharged?  I need to make a few calls, and I need to move around a few things.  You've kind of sprung this on me.”
  “I know.  I'm very sorry.”  And I am sorry to put him on the spot, but I'm way happier he's agreed.  “Mack, are we okay?  Are you mad at me?”
  “I'm not mad.  But I do have some thinking to do.  I'm going to go now but I'll be back tomorrow at 10:00 so we can get you out of here and settled into my place,
temporarily
.  Once you feel a little more secure, we'll have to discuss other options.  We'll revisit the living arrangement and decide what's best for you.  This is temporary, Suzanne.”
  “Okay.  That sounds good.  I'll take it.  And thank you so much, Mack.  I'm sure this is hard for you, but I just couldn't stand the thought of being alone yet.  I'm too scared all the time.”
  “It’s okay, Suzanne.  We'll figure this out.  We'll figure out what's best in the long run.”
  When Mack stands to leave, I'm nervous he's mad at me.  I don't want to screw up our friendship.  I CAN'T ruin our friendship.  I probably made a terrible mistake asking him for this, but I had no other option.  I need Mack right now.
  Leaning into me, Mack kisses my cheek and exhales into my hair.  I think he's totally freaked but keeping it together for me.  Shit.  I never thought about how this would affect him.  Christ, I'm so selfish sometimes.
  “Mack, I'm sorry,” I whisper.
  Smiling, he takes my ugly face in his hands, looks in my eyes and says, “Suzanne, we're good and we'll figure this out.  I already know how nuts you can be, so there shouldn't be any surprises there.”
  Laughing, I give him a hug and finally exhale.
  “See you tomorrow, Roomie.”
  “Uh huh.  I guess I better remember to put the seat back down like I do when Kayla visits.”
  “Yes, please,” I grin.
  “See you tomorrow, Suzanne.”
  “I can't wait, Mack!”
  “Uh huh.  We'll see...” he grins again.
  When he turns from my bed, I'm a little worried he'll change his mind overnight, but I don't think he will.  He's too good a guy for that.  He wouldn't lead me on then change his mind, if for no other reason than he already agreed to it.  Mack is too good a man to disappoint me like that.