This Is a Book (6 page)

I am Batman, but only on Halloween. And then I am not invited to many parties. And I am fine with that, because that just makes me an even more accurate Batman (because Batman does not go to parties as “Batman” but only as Bruce Wayne). I am right about this.

I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and the tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and all of the women who talk to him.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain. I am the Earth. I am these when I am taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin’s last name is.

I am sometimes referred to as “Ex-
CUSE
me” in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am
SO
sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yetI am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be. I am confused.

I am neither here nor there, but
there—
a little to the left. Yeah. That’s me.

I am waving at you. I am waving right at you now.

I am looking right at you.

I am wondering why you are not waving back. I am starting to feel awkward.

I am going to leave now.

World-renowned bugle virtuoso Fritz Grindler will play a special concert at the Igor Hindenberg Memorial Pavilion.

Born and raised in Dingleberry, Tennessee, Grindler studied with preeminent Bugle Master Lefty Eisenstein at Juilliard before gaining fame as “Bugler Exemplar” for the Torrance Symphony Orchestra. After spending a year in Europe as Distinguished Bugler in Residence with the Lichtenstein Philharmonic, and then six months with the Munich Pops, Grindler returns to the United States, performing several exclusive, limited engagements in select cities. The Hindenberg Memorial Pavilion is proud to present this bugler of unparalleled talent.

Grindler’s program will feature numerous classic pieces composed for bugle. Some of these include “First Call” (the signal for the buglers to assemble, commonly used at horse racing), “Charlie Reveille” (“reveille” is the French word for “wake up”), “Long Reveille” (a longer signal to “wake up”), “Reveille U.S.” (“You gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up this morning”), and “Reveille Reveille” (“Seriously, you gotta get up”).

Grindler will also tackle the notoriously difficult “Reveille Dormir,” which is a snooze waltz (from the French for “You
don’t gotta get up right now… but you will have to in a little while”).

The program will also include the famous suite composed for dealing with flags and other chores, including “To the Colors” (“Come look at the flag”), “From the Colors” (“Okay, you can stop looking at the flag now”), “Meal Time” (“Come to the cook house door, boys, come to the cook house door”), and “Reveille Reprise” (“Just making sure you got up”).

Grindler will perform the well-known U.S. Cavalry composition “Charge!” as well as the lesser known “Variations on Charge!,” which includes “Come On, Everyone!,” “Go that way quickly!,” and “Go already! What the hell are you waiting for? A special invitation?”

And, for the first time ever in the United States, Grindler will perform some of his own, original compositions for bugle. Among these pieces will be the delicate “Sonata for Waking Up,” the playful “Fugue-get-about-it,” the challenging “Variations on the Heimlich Maneuver,” and the atonal, avant garde “Bugle in Your Face in E Minor.”

In what is sure to be a rare treat, Grindler will be accompanied for portions of the program by a man shouting directions, the Italian shouting tenor Paolo Boboli.

Tickets can be purchased by calling the Igor Hindenberg Memorial Pavilion Box Office at 555-7432 or online at
www.IgorHindenbergMemorialPavilion.com/boxoffice/tickets/grindler
.

Superhero. (just lying down)

Sneeze.

Christian Beach Towel.

Pony with Second Ponytail.

Clown Flip-Flops.