This Is a Book (20 page)

An a cappella group is practicing in the hallway of a college dormitory. Their “cute” renditions of several old Motown hits cause a nearby swarm of bees to become insanely agitated. The aggravated bees enter the hallway and engulf the a cappella group, stinging each of the singers repeatedly. This commotion disturbs a hornets’ nest located just outside a nearby window. The hornets fly in moments later and attack the already badly bloated bodies of the a cappella group’s members. Hours later, after smoke is pumped into the hallway to clear out the bees and hornets, nurses from the campus infirmary enter the corridor and treat the badly stung singers. The nurses are secretly pleased.

Several a cappella groups are onstage together at the annual “Spring Sing” concert. In the middle of performing their best ironic medley of 80’s songs, the stage suddenly collapses under the weight of the singers. The a cappella groups immediately fall down and roll off into a large pile. A moment later, the elaborate lighting rig that is hanging from the rafters above them spontaneously unfastens and crashes down onto the pile of singers. The heat from the lights sparks the frayed wires and ignites the pile, causing all of the groups to burst into flames. The crowd is secretly pleased.

An a cappella group is in the middle of singing an unrequested encore in front of a captive Parents’ Weekend audience. A moment later a small meteor, about the exact size of an a cappella group, crashes through the roof of the auditorium and flies directly into the a cappella group just as they begin to perform their “instrumental” version of “Mr. Sandman.” Several members of the group
are instantly pulverized by the meteor as others explode into little bits, which shoot off into the far corners of the room. The audience is stunned… and also secretly pleased.

An a cappella group performs and somehow manages not to irritate anyone. Everyone is secretly confused.

What I imagine my dolphin-themed personal checks do for me.

—So who should we rent the apartment to?

—I’m not sure. This woman has excellent credit, a stable job, great references, and she is willing to pay an extra month’s rent up front.

—She sounds great.

—She’s also an interior designer and has some excellent ideas on how to improve the space.

—Wow.

—But, on the other hand, there’s this guy. He doesn’t have a steady job. He’s got lousy credit, and his application looks pretty messy. I think there’s a food stain on it.

—Hm.

—But… take a look at his personal checks. They have dolphins on them. Look at these dolphins! They are so friendly and likable.

—Let me see that check… Wow, this is great! I love his
dolphin-themed personal checks. They just have so much personality!

—They really do. I think his checks say a lot about him.

—I think so, too. I’d say, based on his checks, he is clearly the more likable candidate.

—Yep. Especially when you compare his checks to hers.

—Let me see her checks… Yikes. Hers are just the standard-issue yellow checks—so unimaginative and impersonal. I don’t think I want someone like that living in the apartment.

—Well, I definitely don’t want someone cold like that in our place. I want a tenant who’s got some heart, like the dolphin guy. It’s really no contest.

—I agree. Dolphin guy wins.

—Hey, do you think we should maybe also give him a break on the rent?

—(
Looks at dolphin check again. Smiles and nods.)
Definitely.

—You know, I was going to cash this guy’s check, but I don’t want to.

—Why?

—Because I really like looking at the check.

—Let me see that.
(Looks at check.)
… Dolphins. Wow! That is really cool.

—Yeah.

—That check is indeed very nice to look at. The dolphins are very appealing. The whole scene is warm and friendly.

—I know. I was thinking that I might not cash it.

—I can see why. I don’t blame you. I mean, looking at the check is almost worth more than cashing it, if you ask me.

—Yeah. You’re right. I’m going to put it up on my corkboard and never cash it. I think any guy who likes dolphins so
much that he’s willing to express it in his business transactions can just keep the money as far as I’m concerned.

—I was going to say the same thing. Good decision.

—Thanks. I feel good about it.

—Again, I am so sorry for the damage to your car. Can I write you a check to cover it?

—Um… I think I should call my insurance company.

—Are you sure? I’ve got my checkbook right here.
(I take out my checkbook and open to a blank dolphin-themed check.)
Tell you what, why don’t I write you a check, and if the damages end up costing more than—

—Wait.
(She looks at the check.)
… Are those dolphins on your checks?

—Uh, yes. Yes they are.

—Awww. That is so cute. You know, I
love
dolphins.
(She smiles.)
I was once stranded in the middle of the ocean and a pack of dolphins that looked just like those saved my life.

—Wow. Really?

—Yeah. You seem like a sweet guy.

—Well, thank you. I like these checks because they remind me that it’s important to live life with grace and enthusiasm… kind of like a dolphin, I guess.

—
(She looks at me and smiles.)
Hey… how about we forget about the whole car situation and you just take me to lunch instead?

—Really?

—Yes, really. I would love to have lunch with you.

—Okay, I think that would be nice. But wait, weren’t you on your way to work?

—Oh I was, but it’s no big deal. I’m a model. They can just reschedule the photo shoot.

—Well then great. Let’s get some lunch.

—Also, I know this is a little forward, but do you mind if I kiss you?

—Not at all.

1. Two batteries.

5. Popular organization for car owners.

8. Said when trying to get someone’s attention.

12. American Association of Advertising Agencies, abbr.

13. Key chains owned by April, Alexis, Andrea, and Amelia.

15. Prefix used to procure a good spot in the Yellow Pages.

16. Found on an American Airlines’ airplane tail wing (both sides).

17. An opera singer’s vanity plate?

18. Two sets of souvenir sweatbands from Anaheim.

19. Expression of pain.

22. Minor league baseball league classification.

23. France’s credit rating.

24. Mirror image of 16 Across.

26. A very good report card.

29. A group of female gymnasts’ bra cup sizes.

31. Sold with 69 Across.

32. Something Fonzie might say.

34. A very boring chord progression.

36. Four children’s refrigerator magnets.

38. Sweatshirts of five fans at an Auburn football game.

40. A lame graffiti tag?

41. Someone with a bad stutter trying to say “Aardvark.”

43. Board of Health ratings of last five restaurants I ate in.

45. American Accounting Association, abbr.