This Christmas (6 page)

Sabrina had given Jake everything. She’d lost her heart and she’d never been able to give it to anyone else.

In some ways, when the lighthouse went dark, Bree’s light went out, too.

Silence fell between them, the only sound coming from the tiny Christmas bells her father had hung in the tree. The air gently moved around them and Bree was lulled by the music and the breeze.

“I want to know why you didn’t tell me.”

So much for letting her mind wander.

Jake’s voice was low and steady, but he didn’t sound angry and that surprised her. She expected him to be furious.

“It’s pretty simple really. You left. You had a choice. You made it. Game over.”

“That’s pretty cold. I mean...” Jake turned and took a single step. It was all he needed to invade her personal space. “I mean, I’m her father. That game is never over.”

“True enough, but I didn’t want to force anything on you.”

“Force anything... are you nuts?” Now he was mad. “She’s my daughter. There’s no forcing anything. You should have told me.”

Jake’s temper didn’t flare often, but when he felt backed into a corner, he lashed out. This was one of those times. She got it, she did.

But he wasn’t even thinking about his part in the situation. It was all fine to say Bree should have told him, but to what end?

“What did you want me to do?” She reached up and touched a branch, hearing one of the bells jingle in response.

“I would have liked you to tell me about my kid.” He ran his hands through his short hair. “I mean, I know you were hurt. I hate that I hurt you, but was this some way to get back at me?”

“What? Get back at you?”

“Yeah. Do you hate me that much?”

I could never hate you.
The words ran around her head, becoming a stark reminder that Bree still had feelings where he was concerned. But what he was saying, that she’d hurt Charlie to get back at him, was cruel, and she fought the tears pricking at her eyes. The last thing she could do was lose control. She’d already done that with him and look what had happened. “This had nothing to do with that. I made a decision.”

“To exclude me from my daughter’s life? Not your best decision.”

“Oh, and running off to marry a woman who cheated on you was?” If she’d slapped him, he couldn’t have looked more shocked.

“I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess you know it didn’t work out?” He was pacing. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to see he was agitated.

“I heard you were out of the marriage pretty fast, yes.”

“Yeah. I was.” He was standing at the edge of the dock and he looked back at her over his shoulder.

The bastard. He didn’t get it. Bree threw up her hands, turned and started back to the house. “You know what? Call me when you want to meet Charlie. Good night.”

W
hat? Where the hell was she going?

She couldn’t walk away—there was no avoiding their situation—they were parents together, and regardless of what she thought of him, he wasn’t going to be blown off. Not when he had a daughter to think about.

She’d taken maybe ten steps when he finally got his head out of his ass and went after her, catching up in just a few strides. “Wait. Stop. You can’t just leave.”

Jake grabbed her hand and held. Feeling her soft skin against his brought back a flood of memories, flashes of awareness, and heat. Unfortunately, while he was having a trip down memory lane, Bree was getting angry. Wrenching her arm free, she whirled on him. Her eyes were flaming. The woman glaring at him was very different from the girl he’d left all those years ago. She was ripping mad and he had to be careful. The bottom line was that she was the mother of his child and he had to maintain a relationship with her.

“What do you mean I can’t leave?” she snapped. “You left, Jake. You left and you never looked back.”

“It’s not the same. I didn’t know. If I’d
known
...”

Crap.

“
If you’d known
you would have come back? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“That’s not what I mean, I mean...” He was digging himself a deeper and deeper hole. The words,
if I’d known
, said it all. Now he knew why she was upset. She had him dead to rights.

“And
that’s
why I didn’t tell you Jake. I didn’t want to trap you. I was here. All you had to do was come back. Your marriage failed and you didn’t come back for me.”

“I thought you’d moved on.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t expect you to wait for me.”

“But did you ever try to find out? Did you call, check in, stop by and say, ‘Hey that chick I married, she had some other guy’s kid. Did you miss me?’”

“Come on...”

“What? WHAT?” She was walking in circles, her fists clenched, her face hard. She wasn’t only furious, she was upset. Bree wasn’t crying, but the tears filled her eyes. The emotion was raw, stormy, and Jake deserved everything he got.

“You don’t like the fact that I waited for you to come back? Is that it?” she screamed. “I waited and waited. I knew you were single and you didn’t come for me. Everything you ever said about how you felt was a lie. A big frickin’ lie!”

“It was not a lie! I meant every word.” He did. He could have told her he loved her that minute and meant it. She was in his soul and he’d never love anyone like he loved Sabrina.

“Yeah? I call bullshit, Jake. And that’s why I didn’t tell you. I’m not the kind of girl who traps a man. You didn’t want me. If you had, you would have come back for me. YOU WOULD HAVE COME BACK!”

How did he respond to that? He’d stayed away, assuming it was best if he just let her go on with her life. There was no doubt in his mind that she should have told him about Charlie, but in some way, she was trying to be as honorable as he had been. He’d gone and married Sydney in an attempt to do the right thing, and Bree hadn’t told him because she didn’t want him trapped. They could go around and around about it and get nowhere. Jake leaned his head back and looked to the sky for some kind of intervention.

Good God, this had to stop. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, or make you hate me...”

“I don’t hate you.” Her voice was soft, pained. “But I can’t be around you. I just can’t.”

“Bree, we have to work this out.” He didn’t know if he was referring to Charlie with the statement, or them, or both. He had a feeling he meant both, even though he didn’t think she’d ever trust him again. Why should she? He’d known the day he told her he was going back to Sydney that he’d broken her heart. His sweet, beautiful girl who always had a kind word, who brought joy to everyone she encountered, crumbled before him. She sobbed. She begged him not to go. But he got up, guilt tearing at him, and left her in the apartment at her parents’ house. It was the place where they first came together and the place where he tore them apart. It killed him hearing her sobs, but he’d left anyway. He took Ryan’s advice. Believing the lie that if she hated him that she’d have the best chance of moving on.

Of course, she couldn’t move on with his child.

“I know I hurt you,” he said again. “And I will always regret causing you pain. But we have to think about Charlie...”

“I always think about Charlie,” she snapped.

He couldn’t win. He was stepping on one landmine after another. “I know. Let me rephrase.”
Because I want you to see that I care.
“We need to think about how I’m going to fit into Charlie’s life. We have to tell her what’s happened.”

They were standing near the front porch of the Gervais home. It was so perfectly turned out for the holidays it should have been in a magazine spread. Sabrina settled herself on the top front porch step, calmer now, but still visibly shaken.

There wasn’t going to be any easy way to slip him into Charlie’s life. He took a chance that Bree wasn’t going to throw her scarf around his neck and choke him and sat next to her on the step, his thigh brushing against hers. Even through their jeans he could feel her warmth. He always loved her warmth.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. He was fidgeting with his jacket and she was picking at the pine garland wrapped around the porch rail, but not a word passed between them.

“Better?” He kept his voice steady, hoping they could find some common ground.

She nodded, but didn’t speak. The only thing he heard was a sniffle here and there, and he hated that he’d brought her pain, but it didn’t change the fact they had a lot to talk about. He’d screwed things up with her, but she wasn’t blameless. They both had to take responsibility for what was going to happen next.

He glanced over, her profile bathed in the light from the house. Her features were, as always, soft, delicate. Her large eyes were ringed by the longest lashes he’d ever seen. Years ago, Jake had learned Sabrina’s eyes gave away everything she was feeling. When she glanced up at him, he saw that was still true. She felt the same as he did... lost and helpless.

His first instinct was to take her in his arms and hold her, but he had a feeling she wouldn’t welcome it. Which was too bad. They always found peace when they were wrapped around each other.

“Any thoughts about how you want to tell her?” Jake figured he should get right to the business of dealing with their daughter.

“It’s not necessary. She knows. She figured it out.”

“What?” It was like he got the wind knocked out of him. “Really? Is she okay?”

“Full of questions. She’s going to have a lot of questions.”

The kid must have her mother’s brains if she figured out who he was from their encounter. “I don’t know what might have happened that would have tipped her off.”

“It wasn’t you. Well, it was, but it was really because of something I did.”

She took a deep breath, the despair evident in the way her shoulders dropped forward.

He’d never seen her like this. “Tell me, Bree.”

Bree’s lip started to tremble. “I kept things. Things you’d given me and she found them. I didn’t know until today.”

“Oh.” He wondered when the surprises would stop. “You kept...”

“Your jersey. A tee shirt. Some pictures. I don’t know why.”

He shouldn’t be happy, but deep inside, Jake’s heart steadied, because Bree keeping those personal items showed him she hadn’t wanted to purge him from her life. She’d held onto items that were directly connected to him and he was going to use that as a bridge. Even if it was just a bridge to his child right now.

“I see. Tell me about her.”

It was getting colder and while Jake was immune to it, simply by virtue of his upbringing, Bree pulled her coat tighter as the wind picked up off the bay.

“She’s amazing. Smart as a whip, feisty.” Her voice reflected the pride she had in their girl, and he already hated that he didn’t know her. “She doesn’t let anyone’s opinion detract her from her goals.” She paused and locked eyes with him. “She loves playing hockey, Jake, and she gets teased a lot for being a tomboy. It breaks my heart, but she won’t give it up.”

“She gets picked on?” He felt an instant connection because he’d been picked on. He knew what it felt like to be treated like there was something wrong with him. “That’s such crap. I have to tell you, before I knew... before I knew she was mine, when I saw her take off her helmet and watched that braid fall out, I thought she was the coolest kid ever. She’s impressive.”

Bree grinned. “She loves the game. Fortunately, she didn’t inherit my skating skills.”

“Still can’t skate?” he asked.

She shook her head, a smile teasing the corner of her mouth. “Nope. I’m pathetic.”

He’d heard about Bree’s complete inability to move on a frozen surface, but since he left before it really got cold, he never saw her actually try.

“Didn’t I promise to teach you? The offer stands. Always.” As soon as he said it he realized he’d overstepped.

The suggestion caused her to straighten her back. There was that wall. She was going to be tough. Being near her again was making him think about all the years they lost, and he didn’t want to lose anymore, but he didn’t know if they were too broken to fix.

“It’s fine.” Her voice cracked. “I doubt you’d have any more luck than anyone else. My brother tried.”

“Your brother’s a lousy skater, no offense, but I can run rings around him.”

Her hands were clenched tight—this conversation was pointless. “Well, it doesn’t matter.”

There was more silence, but Jake was happy they’d made progress. At least she wasn’t set to kill him.

“When can I see her?” he asked. That was the only thing he needed to establish right then. Anything else he wanted to talk about would have to wait. Charlie was the priority.

Bree thought for a second. “Can you come back tomorrow? I have to work in the morning, but I’ll be home about one. We’re baking.”

He grinned. Nothing like jumping right in. Tomorrow. He was going to see Charlie tomorrow. What the hell would he do with a little girl?

“I can be here. Where do you work?” He knew she hadn’t gone to medical school, Ryan had told him that much, but nothing else.

“I’m a physical therapist. I work at an orthopedic rehab in town.”