This Christmas (5 page)

He lets out an exasperated grunt and shoots daggers at the water heater. That’s not going to fix anything.

Will pushes past me towards the door.

“Where’re you going?”

He lifts his keys from the table near the door and tugs his coat on. “I’m going into town.”

“I’ll come—”

“It will be quicker if I just go,” he says, but he’s already out the door before the last syllable hits me. His hard footfalls slam against the porch.

I’m momentarily stunned before my legs move forward and I race to the front door. The cold air hits me almost as hard as the ice water did earlier.

“Will!” I call, but he’s already inside the truck.

More snow fell overnight and his tires barely move under the extra foot or so. He rocks the car by accelerating then launching into reverse. After at least half a dozen tries, the truck has barely moved.

I grab my boots and run out to him. I bang on the window before opening the door and jumping into the warm cab.

“What is your problem?” I ask.

“I’m trying to get to the store.”

“It looks like you’re going insane, actually. Why couldn’t you wait for me?”

He turns in his seat, his eyebrows pull together. “Because I can do this on my own.”

“I know you can. But we’re here together. I just thought—”

His hands wrap tight around the steering wheel. “I need time to myself right now. I’ll go into town and be right back.”

All the frustrations of the past few months bubble to the surface. “You’ve had time to yourself. More time alone than with me this semester. And you don’t even want me in the same truck as you right now? Did I do something?”

“No,” he says to his hands. “I’m used to doing things on my own. And right now I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.”

My head snaps toward his. “Like what?”

“Hadley,” he says in a warning tone. “Go back in the cabin and I’ll be back soon.”

I’m halfway to the cabin before I realize I even left the truck. I don’t even bother to look back.

***

“What the hell would he say that he’d regret?” Lily asks. Her voice is further away than usual; I blame the sporadic bars of service. The only place I don’t lose her is in the kitchen. Although I’m no longer holding onto my fantasies of mom’s famous cookies helping to make a cozy Christmas, in times of frustration I need to do something with my hands. So, I’m in the kitchen stirring a bowl of cookie dough while talking to my best friend.

“He probably regrets coming to New York with me. I mean, I wouldn’t blame him. I haven’t been the most attentive girlfriend. He met his sister and I had no idea. I didn’t even ask what he’d been up to when I had finals.”

“Hadley,” Lily interrupts. “He skipped town for two whole years.”

“Thanks for the reminder.” I lick some batter from my fingers and moan a little bit with the familiar taste of home. Why can’t Will fall under the spell of Christmas like I have?

She sighs. “What I’m saying is, if he didn’t want to be there, he wouldn’t be.”

I fish around the cabinet for a baking sheet. “But he seemed fine when we were in the City. Since we’ve been out here he’s been all over the place. This summer we had the camp and were usually around other people. Maybe he wanted the summer romance and now he can’t deal with the real parts of a relationship.” God, I hated to say it aloud, but what if it was true?

Lily’s long pause on the other end leaves me time for my mind to fill with insane possibilities.

“I can’t believe you would even say that,” Lily grumbles into the phone.

“What do you—?”

“One bump in the road and you’re ready to call it quits? I thought New Yorkers were tougher than that?”

“But—”

“No buts about anything, Hadley Beauman. My best friend may be a pushover—”

“Hey—”

“—but when it comes to relationships,” she goes on, ignoring my protest, “you’re the most loyal person I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you, and the one you have is madly in love with you. He just has some issues he needs to work out. And with that being said, it wouldn’t be right for you to leave in the middle of it when you’re probably the one who has the tools to help him.”

I roll her advice over in my mind while placing balls of cookie dough onto the sheet.

“And by your silence, you know I’m right.”

“Is there a reason you’re not a shrink?”

“If you’d like to donate to the cause, feel free to send cash.”

I sigh into the phone. “I must sound like a whiny jerk to you.”

“I wouldn’t say whiny. Confused maybe. Besides, Will always made you crazy, in the best way possible. Now you finally have him I wouldn’t be so quick to let him go.”

“Lily!” someone shouts from the background. “There’s a line out the door, get off the phone.”

I snicker. “I’ll let you go.”

“Call me later!” And the line goes dead.

I drop the phone on the counter and finish getting the first batch of dough onto the pan. Even with Lily’s confidence, I’m not a hundred percent sure I believe in it. Were Will and I doomed from the start? Maybe summer romances are just meant for summer and dragging it out will only get both of us hurt. When he goes to school next semester, we’ll have even less time for each other. Is this trip a relationship wake-up call? If we barely last a week alone together, how strong can our relationship be?

I put the cookies in the oven and wash all the dishes I used. When I’m finished, I text mom and stare at my screen. The words get fuzzy as I wait for a response. The sound of wilderness isn’t comforting at all. I need to do something else.

I check the timer on the stove and still have plenty of time until the cookies are done. I head upstairs to find the one thing in this house that can distract me.

***

Will’s truck pulls up to the cabin as I finish bringing the last box of decorations down from the attic. Immediately my cheeks flush and my hands prickle with sweat. There are a million things I want to say but I don’t know how to approach it. Worse case scenario we’ll have an awkward few days together, or maybe we’ll just break it off and have a long, awkward ride home together.

“Be positive,” I remind myself. Lily’s encouragements fight back against my insecurities. He’s a man, if he wanted to leave he would have. He loves me and I love him. That should be enough to sustain this relationship for the moment.

I swipe stray hairs from my forehead and check on the cookies, kneeling in front of the oven and peek inside. I tried the oven light earlier but it’s broken. Something I won’t be telling Will about, for fear of him putting all his frustrations into fixing something else.

I risk a glance at him and catch his eye before he heads into the closet again with whatever is in the plastic bag he brought back.

I plate the first batch of cookies and get the second in the oven, then hover by the closet door, listening to Will attempt to repair the thermostat.

Take initiative. I push myself and enter the closet.

“Cookie?” I ask, holding one out for him.

A small flashlight with a price sticker is in his mouth while the package, which I assume holds the new thermostat, is in shreds at his feet. He mumbles something around the light but I take it from his mouth and replace it with half a cookie.

“Mmhmm,” he mumbles while chewing.

That’s promising.

I sit next to him and aim the flashlight where I think he had it before. His hand guides mine to the correct spot on. He silently removes wires and replaces the thermostats on both the top and bottom parts of the heater. I can’t help but smile at his concentration and chide myself for my stupidity. With him by my side, I can’t imagine ever letting him go. If we find a way to work together like we are on this project, there’s no reason why we can’t last. Right?

Lily would be proud of my revelation.

Will’s hands move deftly around the wires and soon enough he’s putting the covers back onto the heater. He flips a switch nearby. I expect something drastic to change but he pops another cookie in his mouth before taking the flashlight from my hand.

“Have you ever fixed a heater before?” I need to hear his voice, I don’t care what we’re talking about.

“Only once.” He sighs. “If I did it right, then we should have hot water in about an hour.”

I pick up the bag and strewn packaging material from the ground.

“Can we talk?” Will asks.

I peer up at him and his expression is tight. I swallow a lump the size of the cookie in his hand and nod. We finish cleaning up and Will leads me to the living room couch.

He sits me down and I obey. Like a ragdoll I sink into the couch, my muscles loose enough to resemble spaghetti. He paces in front of me, his eyes far away. It’s not until his leg hits the coffee table that his attention is brought back to the real world.

“You’re freaking me out,” I say, unable to hide the tremor in my voice.

He sinks down, sitting on the table, not touching me. Why isn’t he touching me? I want to be reassured. Was Lily wrong? Is this the moment he tells me we’re done. Did that cold shower wake up a part of his brain that made him regret us?

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “When I made the decision to come with you to New York I—” He pauses. His mouth opens and closes a few times as if the words are right between us, but he can’t pick them. “I thought this would be easier.”

All of my muscles contract and my stomach starts to twist uncomfortably.

He shakes his head. “This summer—”

I really should listen, but keeping him is something I’ll fight to the end for. Hearing Lily’s words solidified that part of me. “Of course it was easier in the summer. There were no responsibilities outside of camp.”

He flinches and narrows his eyes. “I did have a house to sell.”

“Alright. But we both have different priorities now.” I open my hands in my lap. “What did you expect? A cake walk? We’re adults now. We have to make our own way.”

“I know,” he says firmly, stopping my tirade dead in its tracks.

I’m momentarily stunned as the silence stretches on between us. “Then what do you mean you thought it would be easier?”

He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. His hands on the tops of my legs. “The reason I’ve been…” he searches for the word again.

I help. “Cranky.”

He clears his throat. “Not the word I’d have used, but sure.” He moves his hands away from my legs and sits back, his eyes fixed on mine. “I’ve been keeping something from you. After the summer, I wanted to be more honest but I seemed to fall back into old ways.”

“What is it?” The way his eyes turn down at the corners makes me wish he’ll keep it a secret until week’s end. But that same expression is hurting him inside. I suppose sacrificing my feelings with whatever he has to say wins out in my mind. Even at the cost of losing him.

“Lately I’ve been regretting the reason I moved to New York.”

I suck a deep breath through my teeth. My lungs feel as if they’re about to explode. Or maybe it’s my heart.

“Is it something I did?” I ask, letting my insecurities spill out of me. “I can make more time.” I reach for his hands, they’re clammy. He’s nervous. More nervous than I’ve ever seen him.

His eyes widen and then realization quickly floods them. “Oh God. Hadley. No.” He scoots closer to me but keeps himself on the table. “I obviously moved to be with you. But I meant school.”

School? I sit back on the couch. “Medical school? I thought you had everything taken care of?”

He shakes his head slowly and stands up again, distancing himself from me. I cross my arms and feel the racing of my heart slowing down to a normal pace. As much as I don’t enjoy seeing him uncomfortable, at least our relationship doesn’t seem to be in peril. “I don’t think it’s what I want anymore. At least not all of it.”

I tuck my leg under me, adjusting myself to face him from across the room while he retrieves a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

He takes a long sip and recaps the bottle, delaying the inevitable. “My mind was always set on medical school. But living on the ranch changed that. When I went to change my degree, I learned that the application process for veterinary school was closed for the year. I was too late.”

“So what was the secret you were hiding from me?” I ask, confused by the fuss he’s made over the past two days. “I think it’s great that you want to go to veterinary school.”

His eyebrows rise with surprise. “I didn’t get in.”

“Okay. You can try again next year.”

His eyes narrow. “I said I was going to do something but I couldn’t. In a way, I failed.”

I shake my head, not wanting to piss him off by laughing, but I can’t help the smile across my lips. “Will. You made the decision to move and go to school like two weeks away from the start of the semester. I applied almost two years before I went to NYU. If you got in that quickly I would have been surprised. Technically, I was surprised when I thought you did get into medical school for the winter semester.”

His heel kicks back against the cabinet, his eyes still narrow slits. “I don’t want to be the man that you run away from.”

A breath whooshes out of me. Now I know what this is about. His mother. Many of the problems in his life seemed to come back to her walking out on his family to be with Becky’s dad.

I stand up and go to him. While I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I’m not her, I don’t want to downplay the situation. Instead, I take his hands in mine and squeeze them until his eyes meet mine. “There’s nothing you can do in your life that will make me leave you.” I smile, teasing him. “Unless you cheat on me.”

He rolls his eyes. “I know what I lost once.” His hands release mine and cup my face, his thumbs move back and forth over my skin, sending a shiver down my spine. “After getting everything I wanted, I wanted to give you everything. I don’t want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life.”

I lift myself onto my toes, holding his arms for balance, and press a kiss to his lips. “Then you won’t. But even if you do, I still wouldn’t leave you. Believe it or not, you’re stuck with me.”

And as if a massive weight has been lifted, his shoulders relax. Had he been on the same shaky ground as much as I was? His secrets weren’t life-altering, but maybe they were to him. Just a mirror image of my own insecurities.