ThinandBeautiful.com (13 page)

nevertoothin says:
cool. nothing like the holidays to make u work! ! i don't think i gained anything but didn't lose it either.

lookingforlight says:
don't worry about it. u can just be extra careful now.

nevertoothin says:
hard not to worry when i look like a pig.

I was so engrossed in reading that I didn't hear the door open behind me and completely missed the quiet footsteps walking across the room.

“What are you reading?” Annie's voice made me jump out
of my skin. I was too startled to lie so I told her the truth. She looked at me as if I had just told her that I had decided to fly to Mars on the next shuttle.

“This is a website for people who think it's OK to throw up when they're not sick?” she asked, clearly confused and not too impressed. Annie and I weren't ever going to agree about the whole weight thing. It almost felt like we were strangers when we tried to talk about it. I had never thought that there would be anything that we couldn't talk about or at least agree to disagree on. But it seemed to me that our only chance to stay friends was to keep this topic off the table. We just couldn't talk about it without emotions getting in the way, hers and mine. So the last thing on earth I wanted to speak to her about was my new cyber group. I didn't have a clear enough idea of what I thought yet to defend it to her.

“The website is not just about puking, Annie. Don't judge things you don't understand. This is a just a site for people who want to lose weight. There's nothing wrong with that!” I sounded like a petulant baby, even to my own ears, but I couldn't seem find another voice.

“Maddie, this is one of those ‘Pro Ana' sites that we learned about in health class. Don't you remember? They encourage people to keep losing weight until they look like skeletons. They show pictures of super thin people and say they're fat and try to tell you that you need to get thinner and thinner. Don't you remember?” She was shaking her head and kind of grabbing herself around the arms as if she was trying to give herself a hug.

“You don't know what you're talking about, Annie. I've
read the Pro Ana stuff and this is definitely not one of those sites. Pro Ana sites are for people who already have anorexia. Which I don't. This is just a site for people who want to lose weight but are having trouble and need help. It's a place where people with the same lifestyle can talk to each other. It's just helping me understand myself a little better and making me feel less alone.”

“It's just another way of saying the same thing, Maddie. Can't you see that?” She looked at me. Obviously she could tell from my face that I didn't agree with her so she tried another tactic. I tried the silent treatment to get her to stop. I didn't want to go down this road with her. She didn't take the hint.

“You said the site makes you feel less alone. Why do you feel alone? I'm here for you, Maddie. We've been friends forever. Ruth and Devon and Alyssa want to see you too. They say you barely talk to them anymore. You're never online and you basically just say hi in the hall at school.” Her voice had changed into the one she used to use when we were little and she was trying to talk me into something like collecting worms. I wasn't buying it.

“No they don't. They don't try to see me. They don't understand me. And you aren't really here for me. You argue with me any time we talk about this. You haven't been supportive at all. No one has.”

“I am being supportive. We don't argue all the time. I'm your friend and I don't want you thinking you're fat when you're not. I don't want you to be sick. This stuff” – she gestured at the computer screen – “is going to make you worse.”

“Make me worse! Worse than what? What is wrong with me? I'm so bad that you don't want me to get worse?”

“Madison, you need someone to talk to about this. Talk to your mom.”

“My mom understands less than you do. Maybe you can talk to your mom about stuff, but not everyone can. Besides, I don't need to talk to anyone about it. There is no ‘it' to talk about.”

“I don't know what to say to you.” Annie stood for a moment, looking kind of lost.

“Then leave,” I said, rudely gesturing towards the door.

I figured that was the end of it and that we had finally kind of agreed to disagree. I thought Annie would come to her senses a little and eventually try to listen to me, or at least stop trying to tell me what to do. Two days later at school, I found out how wrong I was.

Mrs. Taylor, the gym-slash-health-slash-guidance teacher, called me into her office. She sat me down with this big fake understanding look on her face and told me that she was worried about me.

“Why would you worry about me? I'm not even in your class this term,” I asked, confused.

“Well, Madison, I've seen you in the halls and I've noticed that you have become very thin. People are worried and I was just wondering if you wanted me to help you find someone to talk to.”

Someone to talk to? Where did she get the idea that I needed someone to talk to? Wait a minute. I knew what was happening here. I couldn't believe it, but it was the only explanation.
I had heard those same words very recently from a soon-to-be former friend.

“Thanks, Mrs. Taylor, but I'm fine. My mom is helping me and I have a doctor who is working with me also.” I lied smoothly, knowing that would be the best way to shut her up. I was right and she smiled cheerfully, wishing me well as she ushered me out of her office. I bet she was relieved that she didn't have to spend more than thirty seconds with me and could move on to invading someone else's privacy. I stormed down the hall and into the cafeteria, where I found Annie sitting at our table with the other girls. I ignored the fact that they all seemed kind of happy to see me. They'd probably all been talking about me, good old Annie filling them in on my private business and sharing her opinion that I had some big problem. After all, if she'd tell a teacher she wouldn't hesitate to tell the girls. I wasn't happy to see anyone. I wasn't interested in anyone else's opinion. I was pretty sure I wouldn't find any understanding at this table. I stood in front of Annie and glared at her.

“I need to talk to you. Outside. Now!”

Annie looked at me for just a second and got up and followed me outside. Ruth got up as if to follow, but I saw Devon shake her head. Fine. I didn't want anyone else there anyway. I was pretty sure no one was going to be on my side.

“I can't believe you, Annie! How could you do that? And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. You are the only person who could have said anything to Taylor that would get her all up in my face like that!” I was hissing at her in a furious whisper that I was hoping wouldn't attract any attennation.
from the few people wandering around the front steps of the school.

“I'm sorry I upset you. I didn't know what else to do. I'm so worried about you.”

“Worried? Maybe you're just worried that I'm going to look better than you or something. Maybe you just like it better when I'm fat!”

“That's ridiculous. Of course I don't want anything like that!”

“No? Well, I think you do. Maybe you liked having a fat friend because you could feel superior or something. Maybe you're not so interested in me anymore because I don't look so different from you now.”

“Maddie, that doesn't even make sense! You've always looked different from me. You've always been prettier than me.”

“Right. It's a little late for compliments!”

“I don't compliment you. I haven't for ages. If I do, it makes you angry.”

“Whatever. All I know is you have been totally unsupportive from the beginning. You dissed me again the other day and you're doing it now. You're worse than my parents and they're bad. Why can't you all accept that I need this? Everyone wants to be thin and beautiful! Why should I be any different?”

“You always say those words together like that as if they're one big word – thinandbeautiful. I don't see anything beautiful about bones showing and getting sick.”

“Oh, now I'm ugly and sick. Thanks.”

“I didn't say that! You keep twisting everything inside out!”

Annie threw her hands up in frustration.

“You know what? Let's just not talk to each other for a while, OK? I don't want your opinion and I don't want you interfering in my life. Got it?” I glared at her, trying not to cry. I wouldn't look as fierce if I cried and I wanted to look fierce so that she would know I meant what I said.

“Got it.”

Annie didn't try not to cry. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and time stood still for a moment while she looked at me before slowly walking away. I stood there, breathing heavy like I had just jogged around the school. I could feel the tears force their way out from under my eyelids and I turned and ran before anyone could see.

April 25

“Sometimes, when I'm at a restaurant, I'm afraid to order things off the menu because I'm sure the waitress thinks I'm too fat to eat it and will go back into the kitchen and laugh about me.”

“I know that feeling. I used to feel that way in the cafeteria too. I never wanted to put anything on my tray because I thought everyone was looking at me and judging me for what I was eating and talking about me at their tables.”

“But people do judge you! Everyone talks behind everyone else's back all of the time and not to say nice stuff. Everyone talks about people's hair and clothes and how fat or thin they are. It never stops!”

“Totally. I don't know why people have to do that.”

“But you know what? Sometimes I do it too and I don't
even think about it. I mean, as long as I'm not the one they're talking about, it's all good, I guess. Does that make me a bad person?”

“No, I don't think so. It probably makes you normal.”

“Normal? I don't think anyone is normal. Especially around here!”

Everyone around the circle laughed. Yes, I said circle. I had decided to go to the group thing just out of curiosity. At least that's what I told myself. It had nothing to do with feeling guilty about the way I had talked to a certain someone. I had to formally declare myself ready to be involved in the group schedule and get permission first.

Being in the group schedule meant attending the circle time but also the after-supper debriefing session held every night. Gag me. Oh well, I was getting tired of the whole individualized thing. It actually invited too much attention from the people I wanted to avoid anyway.

So I got my permission, along with lots of congratulations on my great progress, gag me again, and I went to the “sunroom,” as they called it, at 10:25 and stood outside feeling stupid. I kind of shrank myself back into a corner to watch the others go in. There were only about four or five of them, all girls at first.

They all looked pretty normal to me, although a couple of them were a little scrawny. They all seemed like they knew each other and didn't look at all freaked out about going to group. I couldn't figure out what I was doing there at all. I didn't know anyone but Wolf and he didn't seem to be there. Marina obviously didn't do the group thing, either, because
she was nowhere to be seen. I was about to slink my way back to my room when my dream voice spoke just behind me.

“I'm glad you came,” he said, melted chocolate dripping into my ears.

“Well, I can't say the same for me,” I whispered. I don't know why I whispered exactly. Maybe I was hiding.

“Come on in with me. We can sit in the back on one of their comfy couches and just listen for today. It'll be OK.” Wolf held out his hand for me to take. I was sure mine was sweating like the proverbial pig and I wished I could wipe it off on something before touching him. I decided that that would look beyond lame so I just decided to make the best of it and grab hold. I let him lead me into the room. I had never been there before. I could see why they called it the sunroom. It was actually kind of nice, all filled with windows that let in the sunlight. It was painted a creamy yellow that made me think of lemonade in summer. Diet lemonade in summer, I should say. Anyway, there were lots of cushy-looking couches against the walls and a bunch of armchairs arranged in a circle in the middle of the room. There was no TV or anything but there was a piano at the far end of the room. That was kind of interesting. Maybe I could find a time when no one was around to play a tune or two. Or maybe not – I wasn't here to enjoy myself, after all. Not that I actually enjoyed playing the piano anymore. I used to love it back before everyone decided I was going to be a concert pianist someday and started pressuring me to be better and better. I wanted to do what everyone thought I could. I wanted to be the best at it. I really tried. But I always froze up when I had to play in public. It was like my
brain and fingers had a fight and wouldn't work together with other people watching. I couldn't win any of the competitions. I just kept trying and failing. At least that's the way I saw it at the time. I kept on practicing and practicing, hoping that one day I would get my act together and make everyone's dream come true. I used to really love hearing the music coming out of my fingers. After a while, all I could hear were the mistakes.

The five girls were already in there and were chatting with each other, looking pretty comfortable in those chairs. The counselor was there also. Unbelievably, it was the Redheaded Menace. Was she the only one who worked around this place? She was sitting in the same kind of chair as the girls and was just kind of watching everything. I had imagined that she would be carrying a clipboard or something, on which she'd make copious notes while the girls were baring their souls, but she was empty handed. Probably empty headed as well. Not that I'm judgmental or anything.

She looked around the circle. I felt myself kind of shrink back into the couch, figuring she'd pick on me because I was the new kid. But she didn't look at me at all. One of the other girls started talking about restaurants and the conversation took off from there. I was surprised to hear them talk about things that I had felt myself and even more surprised that they could laugh at themselves. I kept looking at the counselor babe, expecting her to interrupt with words of wisdom but she just kind of sat there with a little smile on her face, nodding once in a while. It was as if the girls were in charge of the group and were really just getting together for a chat …
kind of like my cyber pals but without the computer screen. No one paid much attention to me and I found myself sinking into their conversation a little.