Thicker than Blood (18 page)

Still, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, to
be that close to him, and took the empty space of floor beside him
instead.

“Lei…”

I glanced up, meeting his gaze, finding his
features twisted with some sort of internal pain.

“I would never hurt you,” he said softly.

Feeling my cheeks heat, I looked away and out
across the cabin. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, of course I knew
that. But some part of me, even the part of me that knew I could
trust him, still couldn’t fathom being that close to him, or being
that close to anyone other than Evelyn.

“I should have killed him,” he continued, his
tone having drastically changed. Instead of soft, meant to be
comforting, he sounded darker, angrier.

Surprised, I glanced back up at him, finding
him staring off much like I had been doing. Only he was rigid now,
his body having gone taut, his jaw hard and starkly outlined,
ticking ominously in the firelight.

“It wasn’t your responsibility,” I said
gently. “I wasn’t your responsibility, Alex.”

His eyes slanted toward me, his expression
impassioned and enraged. “You don’t get it,” he said through
clenched teeth. “You don’t know how I—” He cut himself off
abruptly, his eyes flashing angrily, and looked away again.

I stared up at him, feeling both helpless and
confused, not wanting him to lay blame of the outcome of my forced
and abusive marriage at his feet, yet not knowing what to do or say
to change how he felt. He was such a quiet man, usually only
speaking when spoken to or when he believed it absolutely
necessary, but I had to imagine that there was so much more going
on inside him, far more than he ever let on.

“You have no idea how grateful we are,” I
said. “If it wasn’t for you, we would have never gotten out of
there, Alex.”

He didn’t respond, didn’t turn to look at
me, or acknowledge in any way that he’d even heard me. He continued
staring ahead, the hard lines of his body still unyielding, his
expression still so furious. So I did the first thing that came to
my mind, the first thing that I could think of doing to ease the
sudden tension.

Grabbing his arm, I moved to my knees in
front of him, forcing him to look at me. “I’m still cold,” I said,
sounding surprisingly forceful to my own ears. “I can’t get
warm.”

I don’t know why it mattered to me that he
didn’t carry so much guilt, that he didn’t bear the weight of my
world on his shoulders, but it did. For some reason, easing this
man’s conscience suddenly mattered.

His hard expression instantly softened, his
legs falling open as he gestured for me to come closer. I did so,
half crawling into the space he’d allotted me. His arms wrapped
around me, pulling me closer to him, hugging my body tightly to
his. Although, already feeling blessedly warmer, it was still an
uncomfortable position for me. To be so intimately close to
someone, to a man, no less. Yet I didn’t fear him; I could feel
that truth ring loud and true within me that this man wasn’t a man
to be feared, that he deserved as much comfort as I could provide
him.

I turned my head, tentatively pressing my
cheek against his chest, hearing the sound of his strong heart
beating a steady rhythm. How long had it been since I’d been held
by a man without the heavy hand of fear pressing down on me,
turning much-needed comfort into something else entirely, something
dark and cruel?

Too long. So long, in fact, that I hadn’t
realized how much I missed it, not until this very moment, enfolded
neatly within Alex’s arms.

“Better?” he whispered. His chin tickled
against the top of my head, his thick scruff catching like Velcro
on my hair.

I tilted my head up, meaning to answer
him, not expecting his face to be so close to mine. Our noses
nearly touching and our breathing momentarily intermingled, I
stared up at him in the flickering firelight as shadows danced all
around us.

“
I wanted to do this so many times,” he
said, his warm breath fanning across my face. “Every time I heard
you crying, it ate away at me. I wanted to hold you…or do
something, anything to make it better.”

Feeling exposed, I sucked in a sharp breath.
Alex knew things about me—had seen and heard things—that not even
Evelyn had known. In fact, Alex knew me almost as well as Evelyn
did. While he might not have known of my life before the infection,
he’d known of my life after, known all of my secret pain.

“Not your fault,” I managed to whisper. Still
staring at him, I was somewhat awestruck by how oddly right this
felt, being in his arms, both our secret shames openly revealed. I
was so used to hiding, hiding everything, every part of me from
nearly everyone else that I couldn’t help but feel so…so…taken by
this moment. This very freeing moment.

Alex breathed harder, his chest rising and
falling rapidly beneath me. His arms tightened around me, and yet I
still felt no fear, no stifling sensation threatening to overwhelm
my emotions. There was most definitely anxiety, an ugly burn in the
pit of my stomach, but there was none of the familiar sense of fear
and dread I’d felt when Lawrence had touched me.

I continued watching him, staring up into his
half-lidded eyes, desperately wondering what he was thinking. Was
this pity he was feeling? Pity for the woman he’d had to watch be
beaten down both emotionally and physically, day after day, year
after year? Or was it his guilt for simply standing by while
Lawrence did to me whatever he wanted?

Or was it more than that? Did it go beyond
Lawrence entirely? The thought that maybe whatever it was that was
happening here had nothing to do with Lawrence Whitney was a joyous
one. Yet at the same time, it was terrifying.

I wasn’t like Evelyn, I wasn’t able to just
lose myself in a moment, forgetting everything else but the here
and now, nor had I ever allowed myself to become distracted by the
opposite sex. That was Evelyn’s thing, her way of dealing with her
emotions, how she made the days a little less long and our
situation a little more bearable. Instead, I resigned myself to a
lifetime of frigidity, the thought of being touched by any man
leaving me queasy and uncomfortable.

But out here, thrust into the middle of
nowhere, our fate unknown, when any moment could be our last, I
suddenly found myself feeling quite different in that regard.

I wanted more and yet…I didn’t. Or I
couldn’t; I wasn’t sure which.

Looking up into Alex’s dark eyes, I found
myself shivering again, only this time it wasn’t from the cold; I
was anything but cold. An unexpected warmth invaded that forever
chilled place inside of me, creeping in much like the morning sun.
Tiny tendrils of light gently hit here and there, making it not
quite so cold anymore. In fact, it was downright intoxicating.

His hand moved slowly up my back, leaving
ripples of gooseflesh and anxiety in its wake. Brushing my hair
away from my face, his fingertips gently smoothed along my jawline
until he’d taken my chin in his hand, tilting my face toward
his.

Was he going to kiss me? God, it had been so
long since I’d been truly kissed, just for the sake of kissing.
Even longer since I could remember wanting to return the
gesture.

Was it wrong to want to kiss him? It
seemed wrong, and yet…I wanted this. I wanted this comfort and
warmth, this intimacy. I wanted something to relieve the fear, the
cold, the crippling guilt and regret. Just for a moment, for a
single moment, I wanted to remember what it felt like to be
alive.

Of my own accord, I tilted my head even
farther. My eyelids dropped, a single tear slipping down my cheek
as I waited for him to kiss me. Instead, I felt his thumb wipe away
my tears, and a moment later his lips pressed down softly against
my damp cheek. A tremble rippled through me and my lips parted,
sucking in a much-needed breath of air just as his mouth brushed
lightly over my own.

My eyes still closed, I both gasped and
whimpered against his lips, feeling his warm breath mingling with
mine.

“Leisel…” So tightly pressed against each
other, I could feel the rumble of my name vibrate within his chest.
“Leisel, look at me.”

I didn’t respond; I couldn’t open my eyes. I
was frozen in place by the duality of my emotions, unable to make a
decision one way or the other.

“Please,” I whispered, not quite sure what I
was begging for, not sure of anything at the moment. What did I
want? What was I doing?

He kissed me then, just another brush of his
lips. Once, twice, and then he molded his mouth softly against
mine. Of their own accord, my hands began to move, one finding its
way up to his neck and then farther, into his hair. The other found
his bicep, my fingers digging gently into the hard muscle there.
His mouth grew hungrier, more demanding, and then, as his tongue
touched mine, I was thrown for another loop, my growing fervor
going into overdrive. I gripped him harder while turning in his
arms to have better access to his mouth.

Something was happening to me, something that
made me feel both strong and weak. Weak for succumbing, for letting
my body override what my brain and heart couldn’t rationalize, and
yet strong for letting go, even if it was just for a moment, of the
guilt and the regret that never seemed to leave me.

“Lei,” Alex muttered against my mouth. His
hands cupping my cheeks, he pulled away from me.

My eyes fluttered open, seeing him for the
first time since before we’d kissed. I stared up at him, staring
into the deep depths of his dark eyes, watching the firelight
bounce within. And he stared down at me, searching my features.
Searching for what, I didn’t know; I was only aware of my racing
heart and my ragged breathing.

“
Alex,” I whispered tearfully as the
stirrings of warmth began to recede. Releasing my grip on him, my
hands fell to his chest, fisting in his shirt. I couldn’t lose this
moment, I wasn’t ready to go back to the cold, to the fear and the
guilt. To my memories. More than anything I wanted right now, just
for this one moment, to have a worthwhile
right now
.

He must have found whatever it was he’d been
looking for. Still holding my face, he then lowered his head to
mine and covered my mouth with his once more.

Evelyn

It was light out when I awoke, the sun squeezing
into the cabin through the small cracks in the boarded-up windows,
casting crazy illuminated shapes on the wall by my head. Blinking
away any residual sleep, I rolled onto my back, watching as the
dust motes floated about in the chilly air.

My chest felt heavy, full of burden and
dislike for myself. I didn’t want to be anything less than human,
like the infected were, or the lunatics in Covey, but neither did I
know any other way. Other than Leisel, and maybe Alex, everyone
else was expendable. That was how I’d survived, the only way I knew
how to survive.

Reaching out beside me, I felt around for
Leisel, needing her to ground me, to make me feel less wretched.
Confused when my hand didn’t find her, I turned over on my side and
found the bed empty. Sitting up abruptly, my hand curling around
the handle of my blade, I hurriedly glanced around the cabin.

And then I smiled.

Seated up against the wall near the stove,
Leisel was wrapped in Alex’s arms. Pressed against his chest, her
features were slack in a peaceful sleep, while Alex was curled
around her, his posture relaxed, his scowl gone, making him appear
younger, like a man his age should look. I stared at them both,
looking so at ease, that for a moment I forgot. Forgot where we
were, forgot what happened to the world around us, forgot the pain
and the torture and the ever-mounting guilt.

It was a beautiful thing to see, two people
released of their burdens, if only temporarily. And for a moment,
seeing them released me of mine.

Leaning back against the wall, letting my
blade fall away, I continued watching them sleep, imagining a life
for them. A softer life, with chocolate Christmas cakes and
backyard barbeques.

Time passed slowly, the soft, soothing
sound of their heavy breathing comforting me to the point that I
began to drift off again. Still thinking of better days, I closed
my eyes, envisioning the four of us—Leisel and Alex, me and Jami—at
the beach, laying out in the sun, cold beers in our hands. There’s
a live band playing off in the distance, the sound of music
floating on the summer breeze. Maybe there are even children
playing beside us. Their tiny voices, and innocent, tinkling
laughter. I’d always wanted children. Shawn and I had planned to
have at least two.

But then I saw Shawn as I’d last seen him,
infected and dying, begging me to kill him before he ended up
hurting me.

Gritting my teeth, I quickly shook away the
image of Shawn’s face, replacing it with Jami’s. Picturing our
children with my strawberry-blonde coloring and his impish
smile.

He’d kissed me good-bye.

A sob lodged in my throat, choking me out of
my daydream and back into reality, into this harsh, ugly reality
where Leisel, Alex, and I were inside a boarded-up ramshackle cabin
where only a day ago a little girl had died.

Rubbing my eyes, I moved to sit up straighter
when a growling sort of groan sounded from just outside the cabin.
Immediately I jumped out of bed, once again clutching my blade.

The sound of my feet hitting the floor woke
Alex, his eyes instantly alert and his body rigid. Leisel’s eyes
were now open as well, wide and unblinking, and focused on the
door.

Another growl sounded, this time followed
by a
thump-thump
on
the wall, causing the door and windows to rattle.