These Is My Words (25 page)

His voice sounded like ashes, dry and hot and withered, like he still felt the heat from that fire. Then he said, My Pa was in Georgia starving for the Confederacy, and got home two months later. No, he said, I don’t much care for fireworks.

Well, I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself being sucked into a dark well full of his painful memories, which seemed just as bad as my own. Then, like I was someone else watching us from over head, I saw myself put a hand on his arm and squeeze it. He laid his hand on mine and we just held hands together, as if we were keeping each other in the world and if we let go, one or the other would just slip away from sadness. I felt the hard muscles in his arm, and the calluses on his hand. I caught myself looking hard at his hand on mine in curiosity, at the little hairs on his knuckles, and at the dark weathered skin and blue lines that stood up across the bones. In the cool and quiet night, we both stared at the stars, like they whispered words of comforting to us. There was a kind of strength in it, in being together, that was stronger than being alone.

After a long time I said to him, Did you know some of the stars have names?

He looked at me and smiled with that warm look he gets now and then. Yes, he said, but I don’t know their names, do you?

No, I said, but lets name them ourselves. We’ll name them after everyone we love that is already in heaven, and every night when we see their star, we’ll have a good memory of them instead of a sad one. See how beautiful it is up there?

Then he looked at me so hard that it sort of scared me, so I kept talking but with my face turned away from his.

We picked out stars in figures we could find again, and named them after his Mama and his little brother, and my Papa and my little brother, and Ruben Maldonado, and Mrs. Lawrence, then he picked one for his friend he lost five years ago, but he wouldn’t say a name for that one. On our way back to town I realized I didn’t pick one for Jimmy, but he didn’t ask me about it, so I decided not to mention it. I’ll pick him out one later at home.

Albert and Harland were already put down in the wagon, but Captain Elliot had rented me a hotel room, on the second floor, where I didn’t have to worry about someone looking in from the outside, he said. He walked me to get the key, and then took my arm again up the stairs and unlocked the room and handed me the key. He struck a match and lit the kerosene lamp and it brightened up a bit.

This is real nice. I have never stayed anywhere completely alone, I said, looking around.

He sighed real hard, like he was still looking inside himself somehow, and closed his eyes. Then he said, Well, it’s not so bad, and you can sleep as late as you want. The hotel clerk will order you a bath if you want in the morning too, and bring you breakfast, all you have to do is ask.

He went toward the door, and I followed him close, ready to lock it because I felt a bit nervous. He turned around. Miss Sarah, he said, taking my hand again, Thank you for a fine afternoon. Then he kissed my hand.

Captain Elliot, I started to say.

Please, he said, call me Jack.

Well, Jack, I said, I had a very nice time.

He smiled. Will you go for a drive with me in the morning?

That will be fine, I said. I felt caught in his eyes.

Suddenly his lips were on mine. Instead of being forced or quick, it was just a sweet, little kiss, and it made something inside me burn hot like I stepped over a fire. He stopped for a second, then kissed me again, pulling me against him, scaring me with the storm I felt in my insides as he pressed me tight.

Wait, I thought, I was going to tell you not to try to kiss me, but you didn’t give me a chance. I couldn’t get the words out, it was too late. Then, too soon, he stepped away from me, grinned his funny half smile and tipped his hat and slipped out the door.

Good night, I whispered into the dark hall, and although I didn’t mean to, the word came out like a prayer.

July 5, 1885

Even though I tried to stay awake last night and ponder all that happened, I seem to have fallen asleep when my head felt the pillow. I was up this morning with the sun. By the time I was bathed and dressed, it was still very early and there was no sign of Captain Elliot, so I went into the dining room alone and had some coffee and pancakes.

The coffee was weak and the pancakes were undercooked, so when the waiter came to refill my coffee I had to say, I’m sorry, I’m just not hungry, but he acted like he didn’t care a hoot. Town people are strange. I was half done when I felt someone standing near me.

Captain Elliot. Immediately I felt myself flush hot and remembered how he had taken me off guard because I was so tired last night. He will not get away with that again.

Well, he said, you promised me a ride. He didn’t say much, but sort of guided me out to the buggy, and climbed in beside me.

We started off down the road, and we saw a lady on the walkway with a dear parasol over her head. I asked him, Captain Elliot, would you please take me to a store where I can buy one of those parasols for shade?

He looked at me like it was for the first time, and said, Your wish is my command, Ma’am, and turned the buggy around.

He pulled up in front of a ladies’ millinery where they had the nerve to display a corset in their front window. Are you sure this is the place? I asked him.

But he said, Well, if it isn’t, then they will know where to go, most likely.

In ten minutes I had myself the most beautiful parasol for a dollar and eighty-one cents, and the lady said since it was lavender, it was all right to take it while in mourning, so I was very happy. When we got back to the buggy I set my hat back a little on my head and opened the parasol, and the little ruffles sashayed around in the breeze when we moved. It was beautiful.

We drove way out of town to the Silverbell Mine, and from a hilltop there Tucson looked mighty small. Contrary to yesterday, he hardly said a word the whole way. We walked around a bit, and had some water from a canteen he had brought, then he gave the horses a scoop of water in some odd leather bags like I’d never seen before.

Then we drove back to town and south to where someone was building a beautiful new house all of bricks. He showed me where the town was growing and we rolled among houses that were a grand sight beyond the adobe and wood ones around the presidio walls.

Then he seemed to loosen up again, and told me things about his family, and where he grew up in Mississippi and then in parts of Texas. He told me Savannah reminded him of his oldest sister Penelope, and how he admired her, and we agreed that they were first caliber women. All morning we talked and talked, when we finally got back to the hotel for some dinner we were both tired.

We had a small lunch and lemonades, and there was a picture on the restaurant wall of a rocky cliff and a little boat on the ocean, and it reminded me of the scarlet velvet lady book I so wanted returned. I suddenly asked him, Whatever happened to the book I traded to you? Is it lost? I still want to buy it back, even if it is damaged or torn, I don’t care.

His eyes got narrow, and I got a sense in my head that he began to tell me a lie, and he said, Well, it did get damaged, during a battle a ball struck it and killed my horse right from under me, and it wouldn’t be possible to read it so…He just let the word drift away.

What I wanted to know was why it got shot with a horse under it in a battle, why wasn’t it on a shelf somewhere in a room? but suddenly he asked me if I minded giving him leave for a couple of hours, and that he needed to check in at the Fort. However, he said, nothing would stop him from coming back to see me before supper time.

I was disappointed. I will never know what happened to the Duchess nor why she was filled with sorrows, nor who was on the little ship. I took one last look at the picture on the wall, and he saw me look at it, but didn’t say anything and only rode me back to the hotel and left.

While he was gone, I went to my room and took off my dress so I could be cool and tried to take a nap. But all I could think about was Captain Elliot. Then I realized what was happening. I didn’t feel near so hollowed out, being around him. I wished he could have stayed here a while and talked some more. And I thought about all we had done and said over and over, trying to remember it just right, and recall every word he’d said. When I finally dozed off, I dreamed about his arms around me and his kisses taking my strength away. Suddenly, I thought he was in the room, but I cleared my head and heard him knocking lightly on the door and calling my name.

I had to say through the door that I would meet him downstairs in a few minutes, to give me time to fix my hair again and get dressed. I stopped to say a prayer to get all that out of my mind, and I thought it worked at first. When I met him, he was with Albert and Harland, and they were all three dressed up and looking clean, and smiling at me. I felt like my thoughts were tangled up inside more than ever.

We had supper and Albert handed me almost four hundred dollars from selling those horses. Afterwards, Captain Elliot said he must get back to the Fort, and my room was still rented for another night, so we will leave early in the morning to get a jump on the afternoon heat. He thanked me for riding with him around town, but I felt like I hadn’t done a thing but rest for two days, so I don’t know why I deserved thanks. No one thanks me at home for working like a mule.

Riding my wagon home with Albert driving was plum tiresome. What a bumpy old thing it is, too, and Albert, I said, why don’t you see if you can miss some of them ruts you are so fond of, and give me a few bones left whole when we get there?

He just said back, Well, Miss High and Mighty, take the reins yourself if you want. But I didn’t. I had some thinking to do.

July 9, 1885

I went this morning to spend time with Mama and Savannah. We put our heads together and made some pies for dinner and plenty of good things. While we worked, we talked and talked. I don’t know how three women in a wilderness with the same kin folk can have so much to discuss, but we seem to manage it. In the afternoon it was warm, so when the little ones were napping, we sat in the shade. I was surprised when Savannah asked me right out what did I think of Captain Elliot, and she seemed real eager to hear.

Well, I said, you seem to be real set on him calling on me for a purpose.

No, Sarah, she said. I just thought after your calling in Tucson you might have softened in your opinion of him a bit.

I didn’t know just what to say. Mama looked at me and said, Your brothers and him did a trick, fixing that all up together for you. Can’t tell if he’s courting or not, taking two boys along. You girls want to help me piece some quilt blocks? They’re cut and matched. Care to?

We both nodded. I always like to sit and piece quilts, I like how all the little pieces that weren’t meant to go together end up making a pretty pattern. My Mama has a real hand at quilts, and the one she keeps on her bed took a ribbon at a fair once. She prizes her quilts and has no patience with me if I get careless in the stitches or any threads come loose.

When Mama went inside to get the quilt pieces she had bundled, I leaned over close to Savannah’s ear and said, I think that Captain Elliot is smitten with me.

She laughed quietly behind her hand and said, I think so too. Did he act like a gentleman? Did he take you places for dancing or anything like that?

No, I said. But I don’t know how to dance anyway. We ate at a fancy restaurant. And we rode in the buggy. And he just talked some and was quiet some.

One thing I know, whispered Savannah, is that if he was quiet, and you were quiet, and neither of you minded it, then you are in love.

What? I never heard of such a thing, I said. Why should being quiet mean you’re in love?

Because, she said. That means you aren’t nervous with each other, or affected, or likely to be hiding intentions behind too much conversation. A friendly silence can speak between two who will walk together a long way, she said.

Is that in the Bible? I asked.

No. My Pa said it, more than once. He liked to be quiet, and sit by the fire with Mama and watch her read or sew, or the both of them would just watch the fire die down before turning in. Then Savannah’s face turned very red, and tears filled her eyes. He must be so lonely, she said. Oh, Mother.

I hugged her tight. Your Pa sounds like a thoughtful person, I said. A good person.

I miss my mother so terribly, she said, and sobbed a couple of times. Then Mama came back out, loaded up with a bundle of scraps tied with string, her little box of thimbles and needles, and a pitcher of buttermilk in the other hand. She looked upset right away.

She was thinking of her mother, I said softly.

So Mama put her arms around her, and Savannah hugged us each, and then smiled after a while. She’s looking on me from beside the throne of God, Savannah said.

Yes, honey, said Mama. And she patted Savannah’s head and kissed her hair.

We began to piece the quilt blocks, and put several of them together. And the talk turned away from Jack Elliot and did not go back to him. Inside myself I was glad it had taken a different route. And yet, I thought of him between each and every word we said. I felt like he was there amongst us. Hovering around our shade and our stitches was his name and his face and his funny one sided grin.

July 19, 1885

This morning Rudolfo rode over to tell me he and Celia are expecting. I am very happy for them. He said Celia is really sick, so I told him to see if he could get some blackberry tea for her from town, and I wrote a letter to Fish’s for him in English requesting the tea. It’s too bad none of the wild blackberry cuttings I brought from Texas ever took.

Somehow it didn’t surprise me to see a blue uniform watering his horse at my well this afternoon. Captain Elliot has brought me two packages. One is soap fixings I ordered, and the other is a present for me, he said, from him. It was a book called Treasure Island. He said it was a fine story and full of excitement and pirates and it was his favorite book. Then he pulled out a present for April too.