There You Stand (15 page)

“How did your massage go this morning?” Jessie asked from behind the front desk. She had walked me over to her mom’s holistic shop last week. I’d scheduled an appointment and not only had it helped my back but it released some tension as well.

“Awesome,” I said and Jessie winked. “My back feels pretty good right now.”

Apparently I was holding on to all of my anxiety, taut as a rope, in my shoulders and lower back. Though the initial injury came from the accident, the therapist explained how tension could still manifest physically.

I slipped my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Jude.

At the shop now, ready to work.

Jude:
How’s your back doing?

Me:
That massage did wonders.

Jude:
Told you so, mate. See you shortly.

“Send Jude back when he comes in?” I said to Jessie. She knew something was up between us, probably everybody did, but she hadn’t said anything. They knew how discreet I was about whom I slept around with. I never was one to kiss and tell so why would I start now?

Jessie raised her eyebrows and stared hard.

“Just say what you need to say.”

I’d finally told Jessie a bit more about my relationship with David the same day I’d scheduled my massage. It felt right to finally start sharing more with my friends.

“I approve, as long as Jude’s not going to hide you away.”

“What do you mean?”

“Meaning he should be proud to be with you in public,” she said.

“When it comes to Jude,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “All I’ll say is this—it’s not about being proud, it’s about being
brave
.”

She nodded in sympathy. When she and Nate had first gotten together, she had used similar words when I questioned his intentions. So that was the only way I knew how to make her understand.

***

Jude silently entered the room and made quick work of removing his shirt. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and the air was so damn concentrated between us, it was like walking through a sauna. I wanted to pull him into my arms, but I also needed to remain professional in my place of employment like I’d always been.

Still it was one of the only times we could be behind closed doors, so when Jude gazed at me with such blazing affection, I couldn’t help but reach for his hand and pull it between my own.

“I know we have work to do,” I said. “But I’ve missed you and I really need . . .”

Without any further discussion, he angled his mouth against mine, his fingers grasping onto my neck to tighten our connection. I groaned into a searing kiss that stole my breath away.

We stood in the middle of the floor for some quiet minutes just kissing and breathing the same air and staring into each other’s eyes. I knew I was in love with Jude York but that was a thought I’d keep to myself for now. Besides, he’d have to be blind to not see it written all over my face.

He reached up and dragged his fingers across the scruff on my chin, and then slid them into my hair. I had purposely left my cap at home today.

When his lips brushed against mine, I sighed into his mouth and then deepened the kiss, giving him everything I had. My tongue surveyed each corner of his mouth—taking, tasting, memorizing.

“Thank you,” he whispered and my heart stuttered in my chest at the intense set to his jawline. Jude continued to be a man of carefully chosen words, so I cherished any he freely gave away.

My fingers stroked his neck. “What for?”

“For taking a chance. For not being too afraid.” He shut his eyes as if in pain. “I didn’t think I could have someone like you.”

I traced his eyelids and cheekbones with my thumbs, keeping my mouth closed so that he could get his thoughts out.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen or for how much longer I’ll be allowed this gift, but I cherish it every single day,” he said into my neck, his accent deliciously pronounced. “Every time I can see your smile and your eyes.”

I pulled him firmly against me so that our chests were connected and I could feel his heart beating rapidly against mine. “Thank
you
.”

“You don’t need to—”

“Don’t do that,” I said. “Don’t think that you’re not worthy of thanks. You’ve helped me to slow down and listen to the silence. And at first, I thought it was too fucking painful but now I see that it’s beautiful. Just like you’re beautiful.”

He tenderly rubbed his mouth against mine.

“Don’t change on me too much, Cory,” he said, shaking his head. “I was attracted to the man who couldn’t keep his trap shut.”

My cheeks felt on fire and I smiled. “That wasn’t the real me.”

He sat down on the table and I pulled my tray of supplies forward.

“It was the way you coped and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“And how do you cope?” I asked, reaching for my rubber gloves. “By being silent and always running?”

“I never imagined . . . that this would be . . .” He pulled back and drew a deep breath, anguish in his eyes.

“The night of my eighteenth birthday, my mother knew,” he said. “We’d been living with Elias for a few months.”

“What did she know?” I asked, giving him my full attention.

“That I was of legal age and the stakes would be higher. I could land in jail or worse,” he said, his breaths becoming choppy, his eyes unfocused. “She told me to run and hide. To keep my head down and my words to a minimum since I was positively hopeless at imitating an American accent.”

And then it struck me loud as thunder dead center in my chest. His mother had sacrificed her life for him. She knew if she helped him to escape it would get ugly for her. The idea of it was so terrible, I couldn’t even say it aloud.

“Jude—”

“My mother was a brave and compassionate lady.” He shook his head as if banishing any horrible thoughts. “She regretted getting involved with Elias, told me she was sorry every single day.”

It was as if he was staring straight through me, completely lost in the past, in his memories, during that vividly awful time in his life.

“But he was like a nightmare that she couldn’t run from. He would’ve hunted her down, that’s how obsessed he’d been with her,” he said through gritted teeth. “He called her
mi cielo
. Every single time I’d hear that coming from his lips, my whole body would revolt.”

I reached my fingers out to comfort him. “What does that mean?”

A shudder stole across his shoulders. “It means,
my heaven
.”

I felt bile crawl up the back of my throat. The way Jude said the words made my skin crawl.

“In the back of my mind, I thought if I got the authorities involved I could save her. But it was already too late.” He squeezed his eyes closed and his fingers clutched the back of his neck. “The day I walked away from her was the single hardest moment of my life.”

I pulled him into my arms and just held him for several long minutes. I could feel the warm air on my nape as he released choppy breaths.

“If I have to walk away from you too . . .” His voice cracked.

“No matter what,” I said, cutting him off because I couldn’t bear to hear him say the words. “You’ll always own my heart.”

His lips smashed against mine as his fingers gripped my hair.

“Bloody hell, do I want to take you somewhere and have you all to myself.”

“I want that, too.” I slanted my forehead against his, breathing heavily.

“I can still smell you on my pillow,” Jude said, a rosy color stealing over his cheeks. “I’ve been reluctant to wash it.”

My eyes met his and there was so much affection there, along with a flare of lust.

“We’ll just have to figure out how to make new memories. Hopefully soon.”

We were quiet for a while longer and my pulse picked up speed because of the surprise I had for Jude. I’d thought of it in my drawing class and used a fresh sheet of paper to sketch it out. If he agreed, I’d have to do it freehand and I hoped to hell that he liked it.

“You trust me, right?” I asked, biting my lip.

His eyebrow shot up. “Why?”

I moved to the table and reached for my sketchpad. My heart was thumping in my chest as I flipped the page toward him. “This is the section I’m finishing up today.”

He nodded, staring intently at the drawing.

“See these branches in the center near the leaves?” I said and took a deep breath. “I inked some hidden letters that will only be meaningful to you.”

His eyes rapidly scanned the page. “What do you mean? I can’t see anything.”

My finger traced over the initials embedded in the twist of the branches. “M, J, and S—for Maya and Judith and Sam.”

His breath hitched in his throat as he stared hard at the letters that represented his childhood.

“It’s okay,” I said, suddenly wondering what in the hell I was thinking. “You don’t have to agree—”

“Yes. God, yes.” His fingers reached up to slide across my chin. “I want you to do it.”

“I figured it was a way for them to always be with you,” I whispered.

He tugged my face toward him for a thorough kiss. “Do it. Please.”

I nodded and he lay down on the table, gratitude and wonder alight in his eyes.

As usual, he tilted his head to the side and watched me work. Though it was unnerving at the onset of our relationship, now it just felt comforting. I had no idea what our future held, but I felt like I was cherished.

“Tell me a memory about this tree.”

“It was a great oak that sat along the back of our property,” he said. “There were several on the small farm, but this one was our favorite. It was right outside the barn where we had a couple of cows and horses.”

I continued working as I listened.

“Judith and I would go out into the yard and play. She was always sick—wheezing, coughing—so on her good days it felt nice to be with her,” he said. I didn’t know all the ins and outs of his sister’s disease, but I did hear somewhere that the mortality rate was high. “She couldn’t climb the tree because she was small and weak, so she always dared me to do it. And the higher I got, the more she marveled at me.”

I looked up and smirked at him, knowing the direction this was heading. “So it became a challenge to get higher?”

“Exactly.”

“Were you scared?”

“Blimey, no,” he said. “It was exhilarating.”

I arched my eyebrow. “Figured so, Mr. Daredevil.”

“When I was up there, I felt on top of the world, like I was in control of my own destiny,” he said, and then bit his lip. “Sounds like a bit of melodrama, for sure.”

“Nah,” I said. “I get it. Especially when your life spins out of balance. Everything goes to shit. Holding on to some measure of control feels . . . grounding.”

“Exactly,” he said, a smile tipping his lips. “I liked our tree best in the fall when all of the leaves had fallen off; only a couple of stragglers remained clinging for dear life. I could see the entire village from up there. Felt like I had a bird’s-eye view of the world.”

“Is that why this tree on your back hardly has any leaves?”

He nodded. “It feels a bit like a new beginning. Sweeping away the old and yearning for something new.”

“Makes it sound like you have hope, Jude,” I said, cautious with my observation. “I wouldn’t have been clear about that a few weeks ago.”

“Hope can feel bloody dangerous sometimes,” he said, gazing into my eyes. “Like an empty wish. Know what I mean?”

“I do know, “I whispered. “I happen to have enough hope to go around for both of us.”

His eyes softened and just as his mouth tilted into an exquisite grin, there was a rumble of thunder, which in the enclosed room sounded more like a tiny earthquake. I adjusted my fingers on his skin.

“Storm coming,” I said, my chest irrationally compressing, like it always did.

Jude’s gaze slid up to meet mine. “Tell me about that . . .”

“About . . .”

“You know what I’m asking.”

“Not sure it makes much sense.” I shrugged. “Rain has seemed to accompany all of my dismal days. My mom’s death, my grandfather’s funeral, and the night David drove off from that party.”

Jude said nothing, as if willing me to continue.

“I followed him in the rain. He was so pissed at me. Plus, he’d been drinking.”

“You’d been arguing about something?”

“About him being in the closet,” I said, feeling the same kind of shame build and set in my shoulders. “He was flirting with a girl at the party as I stood by and watched.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Cory,” he said, and then his eyes widened as if he’d had a revelation of his own. “You know if I could, I would . . .”

“No, don’t,” I said, cutting him off. “I know this is different. You’re not purposefully trying to hide me. To hide us.”

“I’d be proud to kiss you in public,” he said. “And maybe someday I will.”

I shut my eyes wondering what that would feel like for a moment.

“Cory,” Jude whispered, his fingers slipping across my stubble. “How’s that for a bit of hope?”

I opened my lids and held his gaze, my lips curling into a small smile.

Then I took a deep breath and got back to work.

“I’ll be bringing Patch home in a couple of days,” I said after another beat of silence.

“Bet Emmy is relieved.”

“She is and if she doesn’t stop thanking me, I’ll have to tape her mouth closed,” I said and he smiled. “You okay with me bringing Chopper over tomorrow afternoon?”

“Perfect,” he said.

“I’ll bring all his supplies,” I said, wincing. “I’m beginning to feel guilty.”

“You’ll still see him whenever you want,” he said. “Maybe we can walk them to the dog park, too.”

I liked that he was making plans—that he was attempting to stick to a normal life and routine.

Wariness filled his gaze. “Are we still going to meet at the competition next week?”

“For sure,” I said and he seemed relieved.

After another long stretch of quiet, where the only sound was the dull thud of rain battering the rooftop, I pulled the needle away from Jude’s skin and shut off the machine.

“All done.” I reached for the hand mirror. “Let me show you.”