Therapy (25 page)

I look around and take in the mirrored walls, which are just fantastic! They’re really so far from fantastic that I can’t even form the word on my lips. There’s another F word I’d like to say right now, though. This room is like a little chamber of horrors to me.

I notice large ropes that are weighted down at the ends. Yep, totally a little shop of horribly painful-looking shit. I have no idea why we’re in here, but I’m guessing I’m not going to like it one bit. Suddenly, all those machines on the other side of that door seem way more appealing.

He drops his gym bag and pulls out his iPod, plugging it into the stereo system. Music floods the air. Metallica. A smile spreads across my face.

At least there’s one positive thing in here now.

“Okay, we need to get you warmed up first, so go out and hop on a treadmill for about fifteen minutes. Then, come back in here.”

I look at him like he’s crazy.

“There’s no way you’re throwing me to the wolves like that. I’m not going out there by myself to be on display like a freak. Why? So I can fumble with the treadmill that I don’t know how to work beside people that I don’t know? Not a chance.”

Now he’s rolling his eyes. He grabs my hand and proceeds to lead me out onto the main gym floor to what I suppose must be the cardio area.

“Listen, you’ve got to chill out a little. These people couldn’t care less what you’re doing. Look around, what do you see? They’re all plugged in: earphones in, watching the TV monitors, or reading. They aren’t paying attention to you.”

I look around. He’s right. No one’s even looking in our direction. He leads me to an empty treadmill, punches a few buttons on it, and motions for me to get on.

“Right here,” he points to a few buttons,

“you can control the speed that you want to go. And here,” he gestures to a big red button, “you can push this to make it stop. You don’t have to go really fast. Just get your heart rate up a little and keep it there for about fifteen minutes. Come back to the training room when you’re done. You’ll be fine, I promise.” He gives me a reassuring smile and walks away.

I look down at the treadmill controls and turn the damn thing on. I set it at a speed I can handle without my heart exploding out of my chest.

Here goes nothing.

Fifteen minutes felt more like fifteen hours. I’m sweating and my heart’s pumping like I’m on speed. I had no idea how out of shape I really was until right now!

“Kingsley, I’m done. That kicked my ass. I’m out of shape and I can promise you, there’s no way I can do anything else,” I say as he starts demonstrating how to use the big huge torturous ropes.

“Sure you can. You just have to push yourself. Push your limits some. I know you’ve got more than fifteen minutes in you. Just try these and then you can grab some water and take a break if you want. Don’t be such a wuss.”

I whip my head around and glare at him.

“You’re an asshat, you know that? I’m out of shape. That’s not being a wuss, that’s being freaking out of shape!”

“Whatever. You’re complaining either way. Stop your damn whining and get your little ass over here so I can show you how to do this. Only way to not be out of shape is to get in shape. So shut your trap and let’s start getting you in shape. You’re young, you’re thin, and you shouldn’t be ready to keel over from fifteen minutes on a treadmill. You should be able to do a lot more at your age. So, let’s change that.”

I sigh and roll my eyes. He’s so bossy, so frustrating. In a weird way, I like it. I can’t really explain why just yet, but regardless, I know that I feel stronger just by being in his presence. It feels good, even if he’s a total smart-ass most of the time.

I’m leaning down to pick up the gigantic ropes when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out quickly and my stomach flutters when I see that it’s Jace texting me.

Jace:
Jess, sorry I had to run off. Mom is really sick and I’m going to have to stay up here ‘til we find out what’s wrong with her.

I read the text more than once, hanging on one word:
WE
.

Me:
Do whatever you have to do, Jace. You owe me no explanations.

Jace:
Jess, don’t be like that. We have a lot to talk about. This is just very bad timing. What happened between us did, in fact, happen and we can’t just act like it didn’t. My mom needs me right now. Please don’t shut me out just because I can’t be there with you.

Me:
Are you kidding me right now? This is not about you being here or being there. This is about who you’re there with! This is about you fucking me, and then leaving with her!

Jace:
Jess, please try to understand that Mom needs to stay relaxed. She loves Victoria, and I can’t just drop all of this on her while she’s sick. I know I have to figure out what to do about my engagement, but now is not the time. Mother was so set on this wedding, and I can’t tell her—while she’s lying in a hospital bed—that I found you or that I’m still in love with you, not the woman that she sees me with in the future.

“Hey let’s get a move on. Get off your damn phone, woman, and get over here already,” Kingsley says, and I vaguely register the smile in his voice.

I feel hot and my pulse races. All Jace cares about is making everyone else happy. He couldn’t care less about me or my feelings. He just fucked me and left with that twat without a second thought. He is so concerned about his mother—if he only knew what that woman was capable of!

Of course she loves Victoria. Victoria is a mini version of her. Jace has found a woman to marry that’s the cookie-cutter image of his stuck-up mother. A mother that never had a second thought about paying me off to kill her son’s unborn child and never look back.

Don’t do it Jess. Don’t hurt him just to spite him. Just let it go; keep the secret you’ve always kept. Keep the secret that will crush the only man you’ve ever loved.

But I do it. I crush Jace with a single text.

Me:
Why don’t you ask your dear mother how it feels to pay off the mother of her unborn grandchild? Why don’t you ask your mom how it felt to watch you miss me and search for me? Why don’t you ask your mom if she ever gave one fucking thought to a young, confused, terrified eighteen-year-old girl lying in an abortion clinic having her child sucked out by machines? Ask her that, Jace! I bet she’ll hate knowing that you still love that girl despite all the trouble she went through in order to keep us apart! So, yeah, you’re right. She’d never be able to handle knowing you found me again!

I hit the send button. I know that I’ve intentionally hurt him where I knew I could hit him the hardest.

Now he knows his own mother betrayed him.

I shove the phone back into my pocket and fight back the tears. I walk with determination over to Kingsley and he hands me the rope contraptions.

“What’s wrong, Jessica? You look like you’re about to cry. What’s going on?” he asks. Concern etches grooves around his eyes and forehead, but I ignore his questions.

“Just show me what to do with these. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do I need to kick someone’s ass for you? Because I will.” I can’t look at him, but I hear the conviction in his words. “Whoever that was on your phone has you fucked-up all of a sudden. Are you sure you’re good? Because you don’t look good at all.”

“Kingsley, I said I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with, okay?”

“Okay, whatever you say, hard-ass. You know, one of these days it’s all gonna crash down around you. You can’t always be so tough. It’s okay to drop the walls every once in a while.”

He steps behind me and wraps each one of his arms around mine, grasping the ropes one by one over my hands. He leans in and I can feel the warmth of his breath on my neck near my ear.

“You don’t fool me, Jessica. I know the game; I’ve played it every day for a long time now. Just know you can talk to me if you ever want to let it all out. Don’t let the shit in your head control you. Scary things only go on in our minds if we let them. Monsters don’t live under beds; in our minds is where they truly reside. Remember that.”

I just nod, having no idea how to respond. He doesn’t know that my monsters have infected my mind for so long that I no longer know where they end and I begin.

“All you wanna do is hold them tight and squat, just slightly. Then, just like this, you want to move the ropes up and down in fluid motions causing a kind of wave effect with them. Every time you bring the ropes down, you squat. Then you raise back up as you bring the ropes up. You want to slam the ropes down to the ground as hard as you can.”

He has his front against my back as he guides me through the motions. I can feel his breath as he explains each part of the exercise, and even though I’m attracted to him, all I can think about is Jace.

This pisses me off!

I have this hot, great guy all up against me, but I can’t stop thinking about the fucker that has my mind twisted up like a Texas tornado. Kingsley may not know what—or who—I’m thinking about, but he sure knows what I need to hear.

“Just think about something or someone that you hate and picture that on the floor. Crush it with these ropes,” he says.

Now there’s a concept I can work with!

He backs away and I raise the ropes and squat as I bring them down really hard. I slam the floor with them—it feels fucking great! I do it again and again. With each slam of the ropes, I picture Victoria, that bitch Mrs. Collins, and all of the girls in high school that tortured me for years.

I slam them down on the terror.

I slam them down on the sadness.

I slam them down on the fear.

I slam them down on the pain.

So. Much. Pain.

Tears start to spill down my cheeks as I picture Jace, and finally, myself. I hate myself the most. I hate myself most of all because no matter how strong I try to be, I know the truth. I’m weak. I’m fucking dirty. I’m used up. And no man will ever love me, because I hate me.

What I just did to Jace is proof that I’m a terrible, awful person. I hurt him because I felt hurt.

Hurt people, hurt people.

An eye for an eye, action before thought. That’s me—a fucking impulsive, irrational ticking time bomb that never fully considers the consequences of my actions.

Suddenly, I feel arms around me and I’m shaking. My arms feel like noodles and my legs are trembling.

“Hey, whoa... That’s good. Just drop them. Come sit down and drink some water. It’s okay, Jess. It’s all going to be okay.”

I wish I could believe him.

The wind is in my hair and the sound of the Harley’s engine roars in my ears. My arms are wrapped around Kingsley and my head rests on his back. It’s been two weeks since the day I broke down at the gym in front of him. He didn’t pressure me into telling him what was wrong, and he hasn’t asked about it since. Oddly enough, we’ve spent a lot of time together over the past two weeks working out, and not once has Kingsley made a pass at me. I keep waiting for it to happen, but nothing ever does. In a way, it’s actually a relief.

Jace is still back with his mom and Victoria, I assume, and I haven’t heard a single solitary word from him. The last communication we had was that hurtful text I sent him. He never responded. He never called.

Just nothing.

His silence is deafening. I know that I’ve ruined whatever chance I might have had with him. I’ve tried to keep busy, but I still think about him every day. Losing him all over again hurts, but I’m getting by, little by little, bit by bit. I work late shifts at the bar and I’ve kept up my Saturday morning workouts with Kingsley. To my utter shock and amazement, I actually enjoy going with him now. Mercedes and I have been texting some and we have plans to have drinks soon. I’ve avoided finding another group and doctor, but I know I’ll have to soon.

We pull into my apartment complex and he turns off the bike. “You working tonight?” he asks.

“Yep, Saturdays are my best tip nights.” I tell him as I swing my leg over and off the motorcycle.

“What about tomorrow night?” I take his helmet—which I don’t even bother arguing with him about anymore—off and hand it to him.