Theirs to Keep (9 page)

C H A P T E R     F I F T E E N

ELLE TOOK REFUGE IN THE bathroom as soon as Cade left. She stared at herself in the mirror and thought she looked scared and off balance.

She frowned. Damn but she was tired of being afraid. She wanted her life back but not in the sense that she wanted whatever she’d come from before. She wanted a normal life
now
. Right where she was. She wanted the reassurance of knowing who she was and that she had a place in this world. But she didn’t want that knowledge to change a single thing about her life now. She just wanted…peace. And to be able to offer Cade and Merrick something more than a helpless, dependent freak who didn’t even remember her past.

Her biggest fear was that when her memory came back it would destroy her present, which was laughable given she didn’t have a present.

She had nothing.

She was surrounded by people who gave her the hope of having
this
life, and yet she was living a farce. This wasn’t hers. But she
wanted
it to be. She wanted to go with Merrick to his title fight. Wanted to be there when he won and to join in the celebration. She wanted to have a role in Cade’s business, be instrumental in his work on a daily basis.

Was she asking too much? And was she not trying
hard
enough to remember her old life? Was she subconsciously sabotaging her efforts by suppressing her memories?

In the beginning, Cade and Merrick had wanted to launch their own investigation. Get with a few of their friends on the police force. Search missing persons records. Even put her picture on local news broadcasts then go wide on the Internet.

The mere thought had sent such irrational panic and fear through her that she still couldn’t bear to think of it. She didn’t know much about her past, but she knew that if she didn’t stay hidden,
he
would find her. And she didn’t even know who
he
was.

Stupid bitch. I’m going to kill you, but first I’m going to have what he’s been having.

The words popped into her head like they’d been read off a cue card. Only, the voice wasn’t hers. It was a man’s. It struck ice in her veins, and she
knew
without question she was remembering what had happened right before he raped her.

She leaned over and pressed her forehead to the counter, sucking in deep, steadying breaths.

What did it mean?

She shook her head, not wanting to remember. She wanted his voice out of her head. She never wanted to hear it again. Never wanted that prickle at her nape or the instant tightening in her belly. It was the closest she’d come to having any memory at all of her violation or the events after.

She didn’t want it to come back!

If she never remembered what had been forced upon her, it would be just fine with her. She didn’t need that part of her past. Forgetting was the kindest thing that could have happened to her even if she sacrificed her identity in the process.

“Elle, are you all right in there?”

Merrick’s voice through the door startled her, but at the same time, she was so relieved that she yanked open the bathroom door, and before he could say anything, she flew into his arms.

Her pulse was beating a rapid staccato, and her chest felt like it was going to explode. She clung to him, wrapped around him so tightly that he couldn’t have pried her away with a crowbar.

“Elle, what the hell is going on?” Merrick demanded as he tried to maneuver down the hallway toward the living room.

But she didn’t want him to move. She wanted him to stand right where he was so she could hold on. She buried her face in his chest and squeezed her eyes shut so the words would go away. So
he
would go away.

“Baby, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

She found herself lifted, hoisted in the air, and she made a grab for his neck, afraid that he’d let her go.

“Please,” she croaked. “Just hold me a minute.”

He took her into his bedroom across the hall and sat on the edge of the bed. “Of course I will. As long as you want. What’s scared you so bad, Elle? Talk to me.”

The urgency in his voice stirred her. She loosened her hold on his neck and then carefully eased away, but she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

She was cold. On the inside. Her fingers were numb. Even her lips felt cold.

“I heard him,” she said falteringly.

“Who did you hear?”

She closed her eyes and leaned forward until her forehead met his lips. “Him. The man who r-raped me. The one who tried to kill me.”

Merrick went completely stiff. He wrapped his arms around her, surrounding her and enveloping her in his embrace. She loved the sensation of being surrounded by him. Nothing could hurt her when he held her. He was invincible.

“What do you mean you heard him? Today? At the store? Did you see something that made you remember?”

She shook her head. “In the bathroom. I remembered…”

He hugged her to him for a long moment as if to allow her time to gather her composure. Then he gently pulled away so he could look into her eyes.

“What did you remember?” he asked in a low voice.

She sucked in a deep breath. “Just words. His voice. He s-said that I was a stupid bitch and he was going to kill me, but first he was going to have what he’s been having.”

Merrick frowned. “Is that all? Nothing else? Could you picture his face or his features?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head almost irrationally. No, she didn’t want to remember. She
welcomed
the blankness.

“I don’t even understand. The man said, ‘I’m going to have what he’s been having.’ But who was he talking about? Who is the
he
the man mentioned?”

Merrick touched her cheek until finally she opened her eyes and trained her gaze on him.

“Elle, baby,” he said in a tender voice. “He can’t hurt you anymore. Cade and I
will
protect you. He
can’t hurt you
.”

Tears swam in her eyes. “I don’t want to remember, Merrick. I don’t. I’m…happy…here. With you,” she blurted. “And Cade.”

He leaned down and carefully kissed away her tears. His lips were warm and electric on her face and skin. And oh so very tender.

“You do know that you aren’t going anywhere, don’t you?” he said as he drew away. “We aren’t going to toss you out. We aren’t going to get tired of you. We aren’t going to do anything at all but take care of you and protect and cherish you.”

“B-both of you?”

She hated the hope his words instilled, because what she was asking was impossible.

“How about we have this conversation when Cade returns,” Merrick said gently. “This is important to him—to us. To
me
. Some things just need to be said. Worked out. I don’t want there to be
any
misunderstanding over this.”

Slowly she nodded and then sagged into his chest. “I’m still afraid, and I
hate
it,” she whispered. “I hate being so damn helpless and powerless. I hate being a coward who doesn’t
want
to remember, who prefers a blank slate to remembering the person I was.”

He stroked his hand over her hair. “You went through a horrific ordeal. It’s only natural that you’re scared. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just know that Cade and I are here, and if you’re ever scared, all you have to do is come to one of us. As for the rest, it will come in time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you’re ready and able to hold up under whatever it is that’s hiding in your past, you’ll remember.”

His words bolstered her flagging spirit. They slid soul deep, offering her comfort in the darkest places of her mind and spirit.

She sighed and melted into his embrace, allowing his touch to warm and soothe her shattered senses.

In the distance, she heard Cade call that he needed help with the groceries, and she popped her head up.

She scrambled off Merrick’s lap but then hesitated, standing between his knees. Then she leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Thank you. I don’t know what happened to send you and Cade to me, but I thank God for you both every day.”

Merrick smiled. “Ever consider that we thank him for giving us you?”

Her eyes widened, because no, she hadn’t ever considered such a thing. Frankly it seemed ludicrous to her that the two of them would thank anyone for having such a burden dumped on their lap.

Merrick rose and took her hand. “Come on. Let’s go help Cade with the groceries, and then you can figure out what you want to make for dinner. That was what you said, right? You picked out lots of yummy stuff to make for us?”

The hopeful note in his voice made her smile. “Yeah, I did. I was careful to get stuff you can eat. You know, high protein. Low carbs. I didn’t want to mess up your training.”

The look in Merrick’s eyes made her stomach coil into a tight knot. Warmth brimmed in those dark eyes, and he pulled her to him, his hand cupping her cheek.

“That was sweet of you,” he said in a husky voice.

She thought he might kiss her again, but instead he kept hold of her hand, squeezing lightly as he headed in Cade’s direction.

They entered the kitchen as Cade was bringing in an armful of sacks.

“There more?” Merrick asked.

“Just two,” Cade said.

“I’ll grab them. You and Elle start putting up.”

Elle turned to open one of the sacks, but Cade put his hand out to her. His expression was troubled and inquiring as he stared at her.

“You okay? You look upset.”

She offered a smile. “I was, but I’m okay now. Really.”

He tugged her into his arms and kissed her, warm, sweet and lingeringly. And then he slowly pulled away, his eyes sparking with heat. She stood there, a little befuddled, while he began putting the milk and eggs in the refrigerator.

“Hey, no slacking,” Merrick said as he came through the door.

She blinked and then looked down at the still-full sack in front of her. Things had changed. Big-time changed. After six months of treating her with the utmost care and patience, suddenly they were being… She wasn’t even sure what it was they were being. They were still certainly careful and patient. So very gentle and loving. But now it was
different
. It was almost as if they were testing her…readiness?

Her ability to handle intimacy?

It was an insane thought, but she swore that was precisely what they were doing. And if so,
was
she ready? Or was she traumatized by something she couldn’t even remember?

More importantly, and what was making her head spin right off her shoulders, was that
both
men had expressed interest. Those kisses hadn’t been the kiss of a friend or acquaintance or even some affection for a woman they felt sorry for.

There may be a lot of things she couldn’t remember, but passion definitely wasn’t one of them. The heat that emanated from those kisses had nearly set her on fire.

But both of them?

It had occupied her thoughts enough, but she’d never breathed a single word aloud. She’d never even hinted that she’d had such a ridiculous thought.

She’d kept her ache secret and buried so deep that only she knew what had weighed so heavily on her mind.

She knew she had feelings for both men. Complex feelings. Some of which she didn’t even understand. All she knew was that it wasn’t something so simple as gratitude or attachment to the men who’d saved her. Nor was she latched onto them solely because she felt safe with them.

She
wanted
to be with them.
Both
of them. But never, ever had she imagined such a thing possible. She would have never brought it up, so afraid was she that it would ruin everything.

But now it seemed that they were bringing it up in their own way. Was it possible that they’d had the same thoughts she had?

She’d written it off as crazy. Something that happened with other people. People you saw on television shows or daytime corny talk shows.

She was so scared and hopeful at the same time she wanted to burst. The more she thought about it and weighed it in her mind, the more she considered that they wouldn’t both be saying the things they were saying and wouldn’t be both kissing her if they didn’t have some sort of plan of both being a part of her life. Her future.

Cade’s hand came down on her shoulder, and then his other hand slipped underneath her chin, and he tilted it upward until she met his very worried gaze.

“Elle, you sound like you’re about to hyperventilate, and you’ve been staring into space for several minutes. What’s going on?”

Some of the haze cleared, and she stared back and then beyond him to where Merrick stood, a frown marring his face. He looked as worried as Cade did.

But the one thing she saw in both faces, in both their eyes, was something she wanted so desperately that she was afraid to even breathe for fear of losing it.

She saw something more than simple affection or worry. She saw something deeper. Something very much like…
love
.

C H A P T E R     S I X T E E N

ELLE STARED AT THE TWO men whose gazes rested so fiercely on her, and she felt light-headed over what she was about to do.

“C-can I ask you something?” she asked, the words tumbling awkwardly from her lips.

Cade reached out and palmed the side of her face, rubbing lightly in a sweet caress.

“You can ask us anything,” he said, his tone utterly serious. “There’s nothing you can’t say to us, Elle.”

Merrick reached for her hand, tugging her forward.

“Let’s go into the living room so you’ll be more comfortable.”

She followed Merrick, her hand still held tightly in his while Cade followed behind her, his hand to her back.

Merrick sat on the couch and pulled her down so that she’d be positioned between him and Cade. But she couldn’t sit this way, having to look back and forth. She didn’t want to miss a single reaction. Facial expression. This was too important. She was putting far too much on the line.

She was terrified.

She pushed herself up from the couch, despite protests from the men. For a long moment, she stood with her back turned to them as she gathered her courage and wrapped herself in its protective embrace.

Then she slowly turned back around to face her…future? It was scary and exhilarating all at the same time. She was taking a proactive step to regaining her life. Taking it back. Living it instead of
enduring
it.

“I have to know if the two of you feel, or rather reciprocate, any of what I feel for you,” she said in a rush. “I know it sounds absurd. Ridiculous. I’m absolutely crazy, right?”

Before she could say anything further or continue to babble her fool head off, Cade came off the couch. He moved so quickly and was standing in front of her before she could blink.

He grasped her chin with his fingers, his mouth hovering over hers.

“You’re
not
crazy,” he growled.

And then he kissed her, his mouth devouring hers in a forceful, possessive manner that left her breathless.

His tongue brushed over hers, testing and tasting. He explored her lips, licking over every inch and then inward to dance over her tongue playfully and then more strongly.

Everything about the way he kissed her screamed…
mine
. Like he was putting his stamp on her and wanted her to know she belonged to him.

When he finally pulled away, she was dazed and off kilter. She stumbled back, but he caught her arm and righted her as she stared fuzzily at him and then at Merrick.

Before she knew it, he’d sat back on the couch and pulled her down onto his lap so she was facing Merrick but she was nestled firmly against Cade’s chest.

Merrick’s brown eyes were serious and focused as he stared back at her. Everything about Cade’s posture signaled that he was every bit as serious.

“Elle, we’ve actually wanted to talk to you about this very subject. We just haven’t known how to bring it up. The truth is…”

Merrick sucked in a deep breath, and it was then she realized that he was just as nervous as she was. Just as unsure. It baffled her, but there it was. This big, fierce man was worried over how she’d react to whatever it was they wanted to say to her.

Automatically her hand flew to his. She wanted to offer him comfort and reassurance. She curled her fingers around his and kept them laced tightly together.

“The truth is, we both care a great deal about you. You’ve become very important to us. You have been since the day we found you in the gun shop.”

Her eyes widened, and her heart started beating faster. Could it be true that they were feeling everything she was? That they both returned her…attraction?

She was afraid to hope, but what else could he be saying? They weren’t cruel men. They weren’t the type to pull off some sick, twisted joke.

Cade’s hand stroked down her back as he broke in.

“What Merrick is trying to say is that we want you to stay with us. Not just in the capacity as a guest or someone we’re helping. We want to go beyond that. And the thing is, we both want a relationship with you. We want to see where this leads and where it takes us. Which means that the three of us would be involved. Together. You’d be with the
both
of us.”

Merrick cleared his throat and plowed forward, picking up where Cade left off, almost as if they were both afraid that if they didn’t state their case immediately and get it all out, she’d freak out and run screaming from the house.

If they only knew how often she’d dreamed of them saying these exact words.

“Obviously you’d be making a commitment to more than one man,” Merrick said in a hesitant tone. “But we’d both be making
one
commitment. To you. And even though you would in essence be with two men, we’d absolutely be faithful to you. You would be the only woman for the both of us, and we would be the only men in your life. Are we making sense?”

There was so much worry in his voice that her heart melted. She pulled up his hand that was still tightly entwined with hers, and she kissed the rough palm. Then she turned to Cade and met his lips softly with hers.

“I understand perfectly.”

“And what do you think of the idea?” Cade asked.

“I think it’s something I want more than I can possibly describe,” she whispered.

There was such relief in both their eyes that it weighed down on her, crushing in its intensity. Cade wrapped his arms around her, holding her so tightly against him, his lips pressed to her temple, that she could scarcely breathe.

He vibrated against her, so much nervous tension leaving him in waves that she shook with it.

She waited until he loosened his hold before drawing away so she could capture them both in her view. What she had to say next made her just as nervous, perhaps more so simply because she ventured into the unknown. Into the black hole of her past, a giant, yawning abyss that frightened her just thinking about it.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Merrick asked gently. “What are you thinking?”

She inhaled sharply through her nose. “I don’t know what I can give you…physically. You both know what happened to me. I know what happened to me. And yet I can’t remember it. I’d like to say that since I can’t remember it, it can’t hurt me, but I’m nervous and a little scared. Not of you,” she rushed to say. “Never of you. But my mind is already obviously protecting me. Who’s to say what else might happen if those barriers are breached?”

Cade pressed another kiss to her temple and then carefully smoothed her hair behind her ear with coaxing gestures.

“We aren’t in a hurry, honey. We’ve got all the time in the world. What do you say we take it one day at a time. See what each day brings and face it together.”

She relaxed, breathing in a huge sigh of bone-melting relief. “I say that’s a wonderful idea.”

Merrick leaned forward to touch his lips to hers. “Cade’s right, baby. We’ve got nothing but time. We’ll get there. But for now, all we want is you with us. No guilt for taking anything we give you. No hang-ups over letting us take care of you. We’re working as a unit. Together. Just the three of us.”

She smiled and nodded her acceptance. “You’ll let me continue helping out in the office and come to the workouts?”

“Hell yeah,” Cade was quick to say. “I like having you there with us. I sure as hell don’t want you going to work for someone else.”

At the very mention, Merrick scowled, his face going dark. “Of course I want you with me. You’re part of this. Part of us, Elle. I like having you there when I finish. I like seeing you sitting there outside the ring. But I want you there as mine. Not pretending to be with Dallas. I want you to be mine. Which means, hell no, as Cade said, we don’t want you working anywhere else. Call us selfish, but we want you with us, with one of us, at all times.”

She laughed, her heart soaring. “I have no intention of working for anyone else. How could I anyway? I have no driver’s license. No birth certificate. No Social Security number. I officially don’t exist.”

Cade sobered. “Eventually we’re going to have to conduct a thorough investigation into your past, honey. You need to know that. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to find out who you are.”

She went silent but nodded slowly. “I know,” she finally said. “Maybe one day I’ll be ready. For now, I just want to be…happy…and not worry about what lies in my past or what scary thing lurks around the corner.”

“I think we can arrange that,” Merrick said, his lips easing into a smile. “Now what about that yummy dinner you promised us?”

She laughed. “Is that all you ever think about? Food?”

He pretended to give it careful consideration. Then he grinned. “Yeah, pretty much. Sex and food. That’s it for most guys, baby.”

Her heart lightened. Cade relaxed against her. The awkwardness was over, and perhaps now the hard part began. Making it work. Pushing it from the realm of fantasy and fiction into real life.

Could they make such a relationship work in reality?

There was only one way to find out.