The Zucchini Warriors (12 page)

“Who are you people?” Carson demanded.

Elmer was the first to unmask. A loving grin split Henry Carson’s gruff face. “My quarterback! He came to save me!”

Cathy and Diane ran up to their fallen Headmistress. “Miss Scrimmage!” cried Cathy. “Speak to me!”

Mr. Carson was holding a joyful reunion with his players. “You don’t know how good it is to see you men!” he crowed.

“Aren’t you mad because we were breaking training?” blurted Pete.

“All I know is I was in trouble, and
my team
rescued me!” He pointed to the goggles. “Where’d you get these nifty disguises?”

“Well,” Bruno began, “we were — oh, you don’t really want to hear this, do you, Mr. Carson?”

Miss Scrimmage was just coming to. “Catherine — Diane. Thank goodness you’re safe. There’s an awful street gang in the neighbourhood — terribly rough-looking juvenile delinquents wearing the most hideous sunglasses!”

Quickly Cathy tossed her infrared mask, along with Diane’s, over to Boots. “Let’s go home, Miss Scrimmage, okay?”

The Headmistress nodded vaguely.

“She’ll be fine,” whispered Diane to Boots. “Don’t worry about Miss Scrimmage. She’s the Iron Lady.”

Henry Carson glanced over to where the girls were helping Miss Scrimmage sit up. “Oh, no! She’s up again! I’d better get out of here before she sees me! Get some sleep, men.”

Elmer looked totally downcast. “My bush hamsters are
gone
! Now they’ll never reproduce!”

* * *

But Elmer was wrong. The bush hamsters were not gone. They were safe and sound under the north bleachers of the Macdonald Hall football stadium, feeding contentedly on the thousands of unwanted zucchini sticks thrown there during that afternoon’s game.

The four animals munched themselves a comfortable nesting spot amidst the zucchini sticks. It was big enough for a family, which was important. After all Elmer’s experimentation and testing, the secret to breeding Manchurian bush hamsters lay in the combination of spices in the Mr. Zucchini batter. The two females were each expecting a litter in a week’s time.

The next morning found Bruno and Boots seated in the outer office in response to a summons from the Headmaster.

“I can’t figure out why The Fish wants to see us,” said Bruno in perplexity. “We haven’t done anything lately.”

Boots emitted a nervous laugh. “We haven’t, eh? So soon you forget. What about last night?”

Bruno shrugged. “The Fish couldn’t know about that. Even if Miss Scrimmage squealed, Hank the Tank was the only person she saw, and he’d never turn us in.”

Mr. Sturgeon opened his office door and invited both boys inside. Instinctively they seated themselves on the hard wooden bench directly across from the Headmaster’s desk — Macdonald Hall’s hot seat.

“Walton, O’Neal — allow me to regale you with a little tale. At one o’clock this morning, I received a telephone call from Miss Scrimmage. It was difficult to put together her story exactly, but it had to do with a double kidnapping masterminded by Mr. Carson, and a marauding street gang, whose members all, for some reason, were wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night.”

Bruno grinned in spite of himself. “But sir,” he said carefully, “what does this have to do with us?”

The Headmaster smiled back, a dangerous smile. “The two kidnappees were Miss Burton and Miss Grant. You will forgive me for immediately thinking of you two as soon as their names came up.”

Bruno fell silent. Boots emitted an audible gulp. “So you will now explain to me the events of last night and put my mind at rest. Shall we start with the street gang?”

“That was us, sir,” Bruno admitted. “We were celebrating the game yesterday, and it went kind of late. That’s why you can’t blame Hank the — uh — Mr. Carson. When we weren’t in our rooms for his bed check, he went to look for us at Scrimmage’s because of — last time.”

“But we weren’t there,” put in Boots quickly. “We were still on campus.”

“How admirable,” said the Headmaster sarcastically. “No doubt Miss Burton and Miss Grant were joining in the festivities. I don’t suppose you’d care to furnish a list of the other merrymakers.” There was dead silence. “I thought not.”

“So it’s pretty straightforward,” Bruno concluded. “Miss Scrimmage caught Mr. Carson and was taking him over to your place. So we were going to confess, but Miss Scrimmage thought we were a street gang and passed out.”

“And the sunglasses?” Mr. Sturgeon prompted.

“Oh, right. Well — remember Elmer’s Manchurian bush hamsters? The ones you wouldn’t let him keep in the dorm? They got lost, so Elmer gave us infrared goggles so we could look for them in the dark.”

The Headmaster sat forward in alarm. “And did you find them?”

“Well, no. Miss Scrimmage messed everything up. But we’ll keep looking.”

“Do that, Walton,” sighed Mr. Sturgeon, feeling rather uncomfortably that this was his fault. “Please tell Drimsdale that I shall notify the local authorities to be on the lookout for them as well. You are dismissed.”

Gratefully Bruno and Boots scurried off.

* * *

The Warriors had the afternoon off, so Kevin Klapper travelled to Toronto to take his family to the zoo. Klapper had been away for some time and was making a concerted effort to spoil his children, as he had missed them very much. Any food, toy or souvenir they wanted was instantly theirs.

Marjorie Klapper watched the family reunion fondly. She was used to her husband being out of town so often and was grateful to him for making the two-and-a-half-hour drive to Toronto to visit her and the children.

Finally Karen and Kevin, Jr., ran ahead into the monkey house, leaving the two parents alone.

“Kevin,” Marjorie began, “I’ve been getting some strange phone calls from your boss, Mr. Greer. What exactly are you doing at this Macdonald Hall?”

“My job,” said Klapper absently. “I don’t talk about it, because I know how much it bores you.” He pointed into the monkey house. “Look at Karen in front of the orangutan cage.”

“But Kevin,” Marjorie persisted. “Mr. Greer says you’re not supposed to be at Macdonald Hall anymore. And he says you don’t answer his phone calls.”

He looked surprised. “I’ve written him twice to tell him exactly what I’m doing. What’s wrong with the man?”

His wife looked worried. “Mr. Greer said your last letter barely even got to him. He said it made no sense, and most of it was covered with food. He’s very anxious about you, Kevin.”

He put his arm around her shoulders. “Everything is fine, Marjorie. I’m really enjoying my work at Macdonald Hall. Look at me. Have you ever seen me so relaxed and happy? I’ll straighten everything out with Greer. I’m sure it’s a simple misunderstanding. He has a very important job, you know, and he’s under a lot of pressure. Now, come on. Let’s grab the kids and go get some cotton candy.”

* * *

“Fihzgart,” said Coach Flynn at Monday’s practice, “I’ve talked to Miss Hildegarde, and she says there was never anything wrong with you. It’s been over two weeks now. Are you on the team or what?”

“Of course I’m on the team,” growled Calvin, whose arm was still taped up and bent at the elbow in the pillowcase-sling. “I’m just on the mend, Coach.”

The coach threw his hands up in exasperation. “What about our next game? Are you playing?”

Calvin patted his wounded arm gingerly. “You know I want to, Coach. But if I get hit hard before my compound fracture heals all the way, it could be a career-ending injury.”

Mr. Carson called everyone together for a team meeting. “Men, we’re on the road this week against Kingston Junior High. We’re going to drive to Kingston in the morning, play the game and stay overnight in a motel near the school.”

Bruno and Boots exchanged looks of pure agony. An uneasy murmur passed through the team. Would they have to play another game without Cathy?

“I know the bus ride is a pain,” put in Klapper, “but that’s football.”

“We’ve got mostly home games because ours is one of the best stadiums,” Mr. Carson added. “It won’t kill us to go out of town this once.”

As they headed for the clubhouse, Boots sidled up to Cathy. “Now what?”

“There is
no way
I’m missing this game,” replied Cathy’s voice from behind the frames of Elmer’s glasses.

“Maybe she could stow away on the bus,” mused Bruno thoughtfully.

“Are you crazy?” cried Boots. “What if one of the coaches saw her?”

“Maybe we could tell them the truth, and they wouldn’t mind,” suggested Bruno. “They know how great she is.”

“If you guys are finished …” said Cathy sarcastically. “How about I convince Miss Scrimmage to take the cheerleaders to Kingston?”

“She’d say yes?” asked Bruno in disbelief.

“Of course not,” Cathy replied. “But when the whole school lays a guilt trip on her because of the game we lost, she might change her mind. It’s worth a shot, anyway. See you.” She ran off into the clubhouse.

Boots watched her jog away. “She really runs that school,” he commented in awed respect.

Bruno nodded. “Oh, yeah.”

* * *

As soon as it was officially announced across the road that Miss Scrimmage intended to take The Line of Scrimmage to Kingston for the game, Bruno and Boots went to see Elmer Drimsdale.

Bruno knocked politely on the door of room 201. “Hi, Elm. It’s us. Can we come in?” He pushed the door open, and he and Boots entered.

The room was a sea of boxes. Elmer had crated up all his experiments and machines and stacked them in small pyramids around the room. The chemistry lab was gone, too, replaced by a huge carton bearing labels reading DANGER: KEEP AWAY FROM HEAT, DANGER: CORROSIVE and DANGER: DO NOT AGITATE. In fact, the only thing that wasn’t in some type of box, besides Elmer’s school books, was the battered empty cage that had once held the bush hamsters. It was at this that Elmer was staring, seated on his bed, the picture of despair.

“What hit this place?” Boots blurted out.

Elmer looked up from the cage. “I haven’t had any interest in my other experiments ever since the bush hamsters disappeared.”

“Come on, Elm,” argued Bruno. “What’s one little foul-up? Think of all the great stuff you’ve done!”

Elmer shook his head. “I could make machines and chemicals do what I wanted them to, but when it came time that an endangered species needed my help, I let them down.”

“
Not
true!” insisted Bruno. “Those bush hamsters took off on
you
, remember? You didn’t open up the cage and say, ‘Hey, rats, hit the road!’ Besides, you’ll have them back any time now. The Fish told the police and put notices in all the local stores, so the whole countryside’s looking for them. And all the guys are, too, because Dave told the Blabbermouth.” Elmer looked unconvinced. “Anyway, Elm, we can’t think about that now. Another crisis has come up, and Macdonald Hall needs your help.”

“What kind of help?” asked Elmer suspiciously.

“Well,” began Boots, “the football team —”

“A-
ha
!” screamed Elmer. “From now on I’m having nothing to do with your football team. If it wasn’t for that team and its victory party and its zucchini sticks, my bush hamsters would still be here today!”

“But you haven’t even heard what you have to do yet,” Bruno protested.

“I’m not interested. All year you’ve needed my
help
, and all year I’ve been miserable.” He folded his arms in front of him. “No.”

“But Elmer, it’s important. Miss Scrimmage thinks she’s bringing ten cheerleaders to Kingston. The extra one is Cathy —”

“I’m not listening,” interrupted Elmer.

“So on the field there’ll only be nine, because Cathy will be playing. And Miss Scrimmage may not be too bright, but she can count. And let’s face it, Elm. You have nothing to do during the game, so I just thought —”

Elmer pointed a long, bony finger right into Bruno’s face. “You want me to be a cheerleader!” he accused.

“A wig, maybe a little makeup, and nobody would know the difference,” Bruno reasoned. “It would fix everything. Because if Miss Scrimmage sees only nine cheerleaders and thinks she’s lost a girl, she’ll raise a big stink, and we’ll get found out.”

Elmer’s face turned purple. “I am bowed down with disbelief! The fact that you could ask me to do this
proves
that you are not a human being!”

“Elmer, I’m pleading! Look! I’m begging!” Bruno got down on his knees. “Do this one last thing, and I’ll never ask you for anything again as long as I live!”

Elmer looked disgusted. “If I thought you meant that —”

“I do! I do! Boots is our witness! Honest! Never again!”

From his desk, Elmer produced a sheet of Canadian Horticultural Society stationery, and wrote:

I, Bruno Walton, hereby certify that upon completion of prescribed cheerleading duties by Elmer Drimsdale on November 7 of this year, I will never again ask said E. Drimsdale to help me or anyone or anything else, nor try to recruit him for any purpose, so long as we both shall live
.

Bruno signed readily, and Boots gave his signature as a witness. Elmer took the paper and clutched it to his heart.

Bruno looked annoyed. “Remember, if you chicken out on us, it’s a breach of contract.”

Boots grabbed his roommate by the collar. “Shut up, Bruno. Let’s quit while we’re ahead.”

* * *

The bus carrying the Macdonald Hall Warriors left at eight o’clock Saturday morning. The trip was a lively affair. Elmer was in great spirits the whole way, laughing and joking and showing off his contract with Bruno.

“Favouritism,” muttered Wilbur darkly. “Why can’t
I
get one of those?”

“Keep your voice down,” said Bruno irritably. “If the Blabbermouth finds out about this, we’re dead.”

“I’ve never seen Elmer so happy,” remarked Pete.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a theory about that,” said Boots worriedly. “When the bush hamsters disappeared, I think he went a little nutty. Do you know he packed up all his experiments?”

“I didn’t mean to let those bush hamsters loose,” said Sidney, who had felt horribly guilty ever since the incident. “It was an accident.”