The Write Stuff (19 page)

Alec grabbed my hand to comfort me.
"Shit, babe. Is it bad news?"

I looked up, unable to hide the smile that lit up my face. I turned the phone to show him Olivia
's text that read:
ROCKSTAR!!!!!!!!!

Alec
was up and out of his seat, pulling me into his arms before I could catch my breath. "Holy shit, babe, you did it. New beginnings." His enthusiasm caught the attention of just about every table in the small restaurant. Any other time I would have been mortified over such a display, but at that moment I felt nothing but pure joy.

***

"
I think I need a tub like this," I said, using my foot to turn off the water of the oversized tub Alec and I were sharing. A mix-up in reservations had resulted in us getting a deluxe top-floor corner room with a king-sized bed, a sixty-inch television and a tub that was easily three times the size of the one in my apartment. We spent our first night in Atlanta christening the bed with the blinds open, which provided a spectacular view of the city's lights.

I sat with my legs stretched out in front of me and my back tucked against Alec
's chest. He plucked my bottle of bath gel off the side of the tub and poured a liberal amount onto his palm. Rubbing his hands together, he reached around my shoulders and began slowly soaping my breasts. "It definitely has its perks," he agreed, using his thumb to circle my nipples that were already hard.

I tilted my
head to the side as he moved my hair to lick a droplet of water off my shoulder. "A regular bath alone will never measure up again," I purred.

"
Is that a way of telling me taking baths together will be part of my regular duties?"

I tilted my head back to look at him.
"You'll obviously have to apply for the position."

"
I'm sure I have the proper skills," he murmured, smoothing his hand in slow circles across my lower stomach. "Consider this my audition."

"
Mmmmm, I don't know. I can be pretty demanding." I could feel him pressed against my lower back, making it clear he was enjoying his work. His hand dipped below the mound of suds around us and I moaned with pleasure when his finger slid inside me. Tilting my head so I could find his lips, I gripped the side of the tub, rocking my hips against his hand that was taking me to the edge.

"
I want you, now," Alec whispered against my lips. He stood suddenly, pulling me to my feet. We stepped over the side of the tub onto a plush bath mat where he scooped me off my feet and carried me to the large bed. Neither of us cared about the water and soap dripping from our slick bodies.

I waited on the bed as he prepared himself before climbing on top of me.
He slid slowly inside, filling me completely. We stared intensely into each other's eyes as he moved. The emotions of the last few days welled up inside me, bringing me on the verge of weeping. I'd been trying to hold back my feelings for him, but they were screaming to be expressed. We were so close and I couldn't help crying out. "I love you." The words spilled from my lips as we both found our release.

I
closed my eyes, waiting with bated breath as his body stalled. I wasn't expecting him to return the sentiment. We were in the early stages of a relationship. Hell, in my own books I had always put my characters through trials and tribulations before admitting their love for one another. I had just blurted it out unexpectedly in the throes of passion. It was too soon. We hadn't suffered enough to feel love yet. I was rushing our story. If I could have retracted the words, I would have, but they were hanging in the air like giant neon signs. Obviously, I needed to stick to writing other people's love stories since I was failing at my own.

Alec
still hadn't responded and my self-loathing turned to panic. My mind searched for a way to save the situation. I could make a joke of it. Tell him I was referring to something else. If I had time, I could have asked Olivia how to take my foot out of my mouth. The problem was I had said, "I love
YOU."
Not, "I love
the bed
," or "I love
that
sexy mole on your shoulder
." There was no disguising what he had heard.

I watched wi
th hooded eyes as he stood up and walked away, which wasn't anything new. He always went to the bathroom after we made love to dispose of things. It would be what he looked like when he came out that would determine his state of mind.

I knew the moment he opened the door
, fastening the jeans he had worn before we climbed in the tub together. Suddenly feeling vulnerable and exposed, I dragged the sheet up to cover my naked body as I scooted against the headboard.

Alec
stood in the doorway with indecision written all over his face. In a sense, I felt bad for springing my feelings on him, but I hadn't planned for it to happen that way. Now the only emotion I felt in my thudding chest was anxiety. I waited without saying anything.

"
Nicole..." His voice trailed off and he raked a hand through his hair, searching for the words.

Unable to wait any longer, I jumped in to add an explanation.
"Look, I'm not asking you to say it. It's fast. I realize that, but I also can't help the way I feel." Listening to my own words aloud, it sounded like I was trying to defend myself, which I hated. There was a fine line between offering an explanation and defending your actions. The second made me feel like I had done something wrong. It wasn't that big a deal. I told him I loved him. So what? He could take it or leave it.

He moved to t
he edge of the bed and sat down. As he looked into my eyes, I realized it was a big deal to him. I could have written the next words that would leave his lips. They were spelled out in his eyes and in his actions. The way he held himself, the way he no longer reached for me said everything. "Nicole, those words change everything. I'm not in a place in my life where I can reciprocate something of that magnitude." He sounded so wounded, I nearly wept.

"
You don't need to reciprocate anything. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to." My words sounded desperate, which was worse than sounding like I was defending myself.

He made a m
ove to touch my hand, but I pulled back before he could reach me. "Nicole, that wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve better. If I wasn't a selfish bastard, I would have stuck to my rules and never started this in the first place. It's not your fault. This sits entirely on my shoulders."

"
Great, so we fuck and now I get pitied. I suppose you regret all of it, right?"

He shook his head.
"That's not what I'm saying. I just think you misinterpreted what was happening between us. I shouldn't have misled you."

I looked at him incredulously
. Alec had revealed the chink in his armor that so many other guys possessed. "Alec, it sounds like you misled yourself. It's funny that I was the virgin you felt you had to tiptoe around and yet, you don't seem to know shit about women." He tried to speak again, but I interrupted him. "Like all guys, you think you can have both sides of the coin. Fuck me as much as you want, and expect me to feel nothing. I mean, come on. I tell you I love you and we're over? How fucked up is that?" Explaining myself no longer became important. He had pissed me off.

He sighed
, scrubbing the light fuzz on his chin. "It's for the best. If we kept this up, your feelings would keep getting stronger. It would make it even harder when whatever this is comes to an end."

I snorted
. "The 'THIS' that you keep referring to is a relationship, and I'm pretty sure I can control my feelings." I wanted to sound resolute, but my argument held no water. If I could have kept my feelings in check, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. We'd be naked, snuggled up in bed together rather than ending things. Tears of anger threatened to spring to my eyes, but I willed them back. I would not cry.

He opened his mouth to reply
, but the ringing of his phone distracted him. Taking a peek at the screen, he jumped from the bed to answer. "Candace?" He sounded concerned. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was almost ten p.m. Way too late for a casual chat about Lily. "When?" I could faintly hear Candace through the phone. It sounded like she had mentioned something about a hospital. Alec's knuckles turned white as he gripped his phone.

Climbing from the bed
, I opened the dresser drawer and pulled out some clothes to throw on.

"
I'll catch the first flight home." He paused as Candace spoke over him. "It doesn't matter. If Lily is asking for me, I'll walk over fucking glass to get to her. Hell, I can drive it in six hours. Just tell my girl I'll be there soon."

He hung up the phone and
jerked his suitcase from the closet in one fluid movement. "What happened?" After our fight, I was apprehensive to ask, but I truly cared.

"
Candace took Lily to the park after work tonight and she fell from the top of the jungle gym. She broke her arm and has a concussion," he said, throwing clothes into his suitcase with little regard for neatness. "The hospital is keeping her overnight for observation." He wouldn't look at me when he spoke, but continued to toss his belongings into the suitcase. "She's asking for me."

I gasped, placing my
hand over my mouth. "Oh no. I'm so sorry. I'll come with you," I said, grabbing my own bag from the closet.

He looked up from zipping his
suitcase. "You can't. You have the signing tomorrow."

I paused.
The event had totally slipped my mind. "So, this is an emergency." I barely had to give the decision any thought. Family came first.

He turned to face me.
"Nicole, you can't do that to your readers. They're excited to see you. Especially considering
Wicked Lovely
is doing so well. It's important for you to stay here. You need to keep your face out there. This week more than ever."

I bristled slightly at his words. I knew I needed to be here. This signing could be the most important one of my life.
Wicked Lovely
was still sailing up the charts, and I was absolutely floored by the amount of support that had been pouring in. All of that aside, I wanted to be there for him. I could tell he was worried, and I wanted to be his rock for once.

I grabbed my clothes from the dresser and shoved them into my suitcase.

"Nicole, stop. I don't want you to go." He took one last quick look around before lifting his suitcase from the bed and walking swiftly to the door. "My life was already derailed once. I can't allow myself to get caught in a relationship that will distract me from my goals." He turned and left, leaving the door to close softly behind him.

His
final words were like a sucker punch to the stomach. When I was eight years old, I had climbed from the back of my uncle's pickup truck and my foot got caught on the tailgate. I ended up kissing the pavement. For several minutes afterward, I remained on the cement, unable to breathe and convinced I was going to die. The pain from the fall had been intense, but the fear of not being able to take a breath eclipsed that. Alec's statement had done the same thing.

I slumped
to the floor, gasping for air. Dragging my knees up to my chest, I bracketed my head between my legs, wishing the pain would stop. There was nothing I could say or do. Alec had already hurt me once when he rejected me the first time. The fact that he had done it again was on me. I had set myself up for heartbreak.

Chapter Eighteen

I snatched up one of the extra pillo
ws next to me and pressed it against my face. The sun was just beginning to rise and my eyes rejected the light. I'd tossed and turned the entire night, unable to get comfortable. The bed was too big. The room was too quiet. It seemed like everything was bound and determined to keep me up.

I squeezed my eyes closed beneath the pillow
, wishing for a few hours of respite. The signing wasn't until later that afternoon. If I could have just turned my brain off and stopped thinking about Alec, I could have at least slept the time away.

An hour later,
I finally gave up in frustration. I threw the pillow across the room, knocking over a table lamp and a half-empty can of Diet Coke I'd left there the night before.

Sighing, I grabbed
tissues from a nearby box and tried mopping up the mess. The tissues were cheap and did nothing but fall apart as I blotted the carpet. Tossing a handful of shredded tissue pieces into the trash can, I stood up and headed for the bathroom. I was sick of this room. It was nothing but a constant reminder of our fight the night before. I wanted out.

I turned on t
he harsh and probing bathroom light, refusing to look at the oversized tub in the corner.

I
climbed into the separate shower stall and made quick work of brushing my teeth and washing my face before leaving the bathroom in a hurry. There was a vanity mirror over the dresser near the bed where I did my hair and makeup. I opted out of blow-drying my hair, sweeping it up into a high ponytail instead. It may have been too casual for the signing, but I was past caring. I just wanted to escape the oppressiveness of the room.

Grabbing
my gear for the signing, I decided to leave my banner behind. Putting it up was never easy, and I had gotten used to Alec taking care of it for me. I stowed my laptop in my shoulder bag, along with my phone and wallet. The signing wasn't for several hours, but the hotel had a Starbucks in the lobby, and I planned on getting a little work done.

With the exception of the day after the release of
Wicked Lovely
, I'd been slacking on my social media time during the past few weeks and figured I would take the opportunity to catch up. If I still found myself with extra time, I'd start to draft out the second book in the series.

Glad to have a plan that would keep me busy
, I left my room and headed for the elevators. I felt a brief stirring of déjà vu as I heard the sound of a door opening behind me. My pulse quickened as my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I could hear the sound of shoes swishing across the carpeted floor, but I couldn't bring myself to turn around. It was the first time I had found myself alone in a hotel hallway since the attack. An overwhelming sensation of fear clawed its way up my throat like a hungry beast. I was ready to scream.

"
Hey, Nicole. Is that you? I didn't know you were on this floor," a familiar voice called after me, dousing my fear.

Turning around
, I spotted Karen, an author I'd been friends with since the beginning. She was closer to my mom's age, but we'd formed a close bond after discovering our shared love for books and cats. "Karen," I said, exhaling. "I didn't know you were doing this signing."

She gave me a quick hug.
"I signed on at the last minute when they had a cancellation. Where's the steamy cover model I've heard so much about? I've been stalking all the pictures these past few weeks. You two are too adorable for words. If my Stan and I weren't getting ready to celebrate our twentieth, I'd be awfully tempted to get my own hunk."

I blanched at her words. Up until now, I hadn
't considered the fact that Alec and I weren't very discreet about our affair.
Affair
. It seemed like an odd choice to describe what we had shared, but I guess it was accurate. I had set out to lose my virginity, and Alec had given me more than he probably planned. That was all I should have expected and asked for. It certainly wouldn't be healthy to regret what happened. He'd made my first time special and hot as hell.

Kar
en was watching me intently when I realized I'd gone into one of my infamous silent modes. "Sorry. He had to go back home for a family emergency," I answered, mashing the button for the elevator.

"
Well, nuts." She looked forlorn before flashing me a smile. "I guess it's a good thing. I may have been tempted to steal him from you. Lucky girl. Are you headed down for the signing already?" She had noticed the cart I wheeled onto the elevator.

"
I decided to head down early so I can get a little work done. My room was too much of a distraction," I answered honestly. "Where are you headed?"

She grinned
sheepishly. "I'm going to check out the Georgia Aquarium for a couple of hours. You want to come?"

I debated her question for a moment. If I went with her
, it would help kill the morning before the signing, but it could also backfire if she continued to talk about Alec. "I better not. I've been a social media leper lately and I need to do some serious catching up. My notifications and messages on Facebook are pretty scary."

"
Honey, I can completely relate. By the way, huge congratulations on
Wicked Lovely
! I told you that book would go big. It's your best work yet."

I blushed as the elevator doors opened
, revealing a lobby full of people. "Thank you so much. And thank you for the blurb also." It helped to have a well known author provide a quote for the cover of the book.

"
The honor was all mine. Are you sure you don't want to go check out some fish with me?"

I shook my head.
"I better not. It's time I did a little work. Have fun though." I gave a little wave before heading toward the Starbucks.

"
You too. Tell your hottie we miss him," she said, blowing a kiss at me. 

My smile remained
fixed until she walked out of the lobby. The moment she was out of sight, it dropped. In our short conversation I'd come to the conclusion that today was going to suck. Every single person who visited my table would expect to see Alec. I was going to have to field endless questions while smiling the entire time and pretending that my heart wasn't in shreds. Joy.

My foreshadowing proved to be dead on. By the time the signing ended later that evening
, I was ready to stab myself in the eye with my Sharpie, which was too bad considering it had been a complete success. The event was bittersweet. The success of
Wicked Lovely
had brought me more attention than I had seen during the previous events. Even without Alec, readers still flocked to my table. Not that they weren't asking about him, which only made me miss him more. The anger I'd held on to the night before was long gone, and all I felt now was sadness for what I no longer had. Time and time again throughout the day, I would hear or see something that I knew we would have laughed over. It felt like I'd not only lost the man I loved, but a close friend.

I was tempted to text him. To ask about Lily,
and to make sure he got home okay. I was searching for an excuse to maintain a connection to him.

Eventually, I stowed my phone at the bottom of my bag
so I wouldn't cave. Alec had made his intentions clear, and I needed to retain the small shred of dignity I still had. I would not contact him again.

The evening was capped off by a special VIP
reception for readers who had attended the signing. I had been able to cope during the day, but my sleepless night had finally caught up with me. I had become about as much fun as a zombie. I stuck around long enough to mingle with a few of the bloggers I knew before ducking out. I dragged myself up to my room and collapsed on my bed without bothering to undress.

A d
reamless sleep welcomed me, which was all I could ask for.

***

"Sheesh, Nicole. You look like hell," Olivia greeted me when I opened the door for her the day after I returned home.

"
Hello to you too," I sniffled, blowing my nose with a tissue.

"
No, I'm serious. You look bad."

I rolled my watery eyes,
shuffling to the nest of blankets I'd set up on my couch. "Does that mean you don't want to make out?"

She pretended to gag.
"I'd rather drink bleach. When you said you were sick, I had no idea it was this bad."

"
Duh. Why would I exaggerate that?" I blew my sore nose again, wishing I could cut it off. In the last twenty-four hours, it had been like a faucet. I was ready to scream. It only seemed fitting that I would pick up the worst summer cold I'd ever had. Nothing like adding insult to injury.

"
I thought maybe you were wallowing."

I had spewed
all the sordid details about Alec and me over a bottle of cheap wine the last night of my book tour. As my friend, Olivia listened with a sympathetic ear, but I also knew she probably thought I was in idiot for even using the L-word. Like Alec, she had a phobia of commitments, and had dumped guys in the past for even hinting about getting that serious.

"
He hasn't mentioned anything about it, you know," she added when I chose not to comment.

"
I didn't ask."

"
I know. I'm just saying."

"
Well, stop." I loved Olivia, but I wasn't in the mood to start a conversation that had the potential to turn nasty.

She sank down on the chair next to the couch, not wanting to get close to me
. I was tempted to plant a big old smooch on her lips so I wouldn't be the only one miserable, but I could barely stop shivering as I pulled my blanket up to my chin. My fever had obviously returned from the night before.

"
Well, this sucks. I wanted to go out and celebrate.
Wicked Lovely
is ranked in the top ten on all the sites. How are we not screaming this from the rooftops?"

"
My throat is too sore for screaming." A ragged cough tore its way out of my mouth, emphasizing the point.

"
Damn, Nicole, you sound awful. You need to go see a doctor."

"
I'm fine. It's just a summer cold. I'm sure I got it from one of the germ incubators I flew in during the last three weeks. I'll be better in a couple days and we can celebrate then. My parents want to do something too." I rested my head against the arm of my couch. I didn't confess that several sleepless nights in a row had probably done little to help my health and well-being.

"
Fine, sicky. Speaking of your family, your mom called me yesterday. She wanted a list of your friends. I think she's planning a party."

I rolled my eyes.
"Oh lord. That seems a little pretentious, don't you think?"

"
You, pretentious? Is that even possible? You're the most humble person I know. I think a celebration is a great idea. You've worked hard, and I think you deserve it."

I opened my mouth
, but held off as a series of sneezes ripped through me. "Seriously, this cold is the asshole of all colds," I muttered when I finally stopped and had blown my nose loudly again.

Olivia stood up
, trying not to look too disgusted. "On that note, I think I'm going to bolt."

I glared at her cold skittishness. What a baby. I really should
have licked her.

"
I'm going to run to Publix. What do you need?"

I forgave her abandonment and no longer felt I needed to pass my germs
on to her with my tongue. "I want to marry you," I declared, blowing my nose again.

"
I'm flattered. What do you need, sicky?"

"
More tissues," I said, holding up the nearly empty box. "And OJ would be amazing." I hacked again.

"
Okie-dokie. I'll get chicken soup too. When I get back, I may do the ol' ring-the-bell-and-run trick."

"
Will you get me some 7UP too?" I added before she could close the front door.

"
Yeah, yeah," she said, waving as she left.

Once she was gone
, I slumped back against my sofa. My smile faded. I really did feel like crap, but beneath the cold was a deep-rooted sadness that I couldn't seem to shake. It had been four nights since Alec had walked out on me. Despite my own personal pep talks that there were other fish in the sea, I couldn't shake the feeling of loss. So, I tried to bury it. Maybe that was how I got sick. The cold made it easy for me to dwell in self-pity. Either way, they were both kicking my ass, and I needed to shake them.

Severus
jumped up on the couch, seeking some attention. At least he hadn't cared that I was sick. It took him a while to forgive me for leaving him alone for three weeks, but once he got over it, he didn't leave my side. I turned up the volume on the television while Severus made bread dough on my lap. After a few minutes he had kneaded the blanket to his liking and settled in. I stroked a hand over the back of his head and he purred with approval.