The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (47 page)

‘We love them,’ Lileem said simply and the tears finally spilled over onto her cheeks.

Mima reached out to take one of Lileem’s hands and Tel-an-Kaa placed cool fingers over both of them, where their hands were joined before her. ‘There should be no grief,’ she said. ‘You were always separate from them, and you cannot shelter in ignorance. Now, you can love them freely, without fear or confusion or doubt. You just have to love them as brothers.’

Lileem dissolved into tears, because she was young and a little drunk and Mima held her closely. They had wanted to be har, yet be themselves also. Hadn’t they now been given this gift?

‘My hostling,’ Lileem murmured in a choked voice. ‘He never knew. He was made to give me up. I’ll never know him.’

Mima kissed her hair, rocking her gently. ‘Sssh, I know. I know.’

Tel-an-Kaa went quietly to fetch them some more drinks. When she returned, Lileem pulled away from Mima, scrubbed at her wet face with her hands, then accepted the drink and drank it in one long gulp.

Tel-an-Kaa sat down again. For a few moments, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. ‘Can you feel them?’ she murmured. ‘Can you feel their passion?’

Mima couldn’t feel anything. She was too shell-shocked by what she’d heard.

Tel-an-Kaa smiled a little, her eyes still closed. ‘The Parsics have initiated an aruna garland. Your friends will be surprised by that, I think.’

‘What is it?’ Mima asked.

‘The revelation that it is possible to be both ouana and soume at the same time. In such a group connection, all minds and souls are one.’

Mima couldn’t help laughing. ‘I can’t imagine it – or maybe I can. Too much!’

Lileem closed her eyes and said, ‘I can see silky feathers, angel wings. They are like angels together: one creature. It smells like springtime.’ She opened her eyes. ‘I can see this is different, but Ulaume and Flick are always taking aruna together. Sometimes, on the boat, pictures would come through the walls to me. All kinds of strange things: alien landscapes, mythical animals, and clouds. It was like a waking dream.’ She looked at Mima. ‘After I had that talk with Ulaume and Flick, I used to touch myself when I knew they were together. It seemed to help. I could make my own visions then.’

‘Come,’ said Tel-an-Kaa, standing up. ‘It is time for you to share that experience.’

Lileem looked uncertain. ‘Now?’

‘It has been time for months, probably,’ said the Zigane. ‘Don’t be afraid. We are parage, as hara are har. Parazha. This is the term you can use.’

They went into the other bedroom, where the only light was the fire. Mima put more logs onto it. She felt nervous, which was ridiculous, given that she’d earlier been quite happy at the prospect of taking aruna with four other hara present. She could hear the sounds of aruna coming through the wall and it ignited a fire within her.

Tel-an-Kaa came to kneel beside her and spoke softly while, behind them, Lileem arranged the beds. ‘You look upon Lileem as your child,’ the Zigane murmured, ‘but she is not. Parazha and hara are not children for long. She is adult, Mima, and it is only right, as her closest friend, that you are here for her now. It is the most important time is any parage’s life. Let go of those awkward feelings you have, because they are vestiges of your humanity. Look at her with new eyes, the eyes of Kamagrian. Watch me.’

The Zigane stood up and began to remove her clothes. As each layer came away, so her true self was revealed. She cast off a glamour and appeared to grow taller with each breath she took. Beneath the disguise, which went beyond mere physical apparel, lay a creature that appeared essentially har. The firelight softened the planes of her body, which was angular and lean. Her shoulders were strong and she had a black, curling tattoo down one side of her breast, like a stylised dragon. ‘You see,’ she said. ‘This is what we are. Some hara lean more to the female side than to the male and vice versa. We are no different.’

Mima went to her and took Tel-an-Kaa’s face in her hands, as Chelone had once done with Mima herself. She shared breath a little fiercely, as if to challenge this creature who had deceived them into thinking it was female.

The Zigane pulled away with a gasp. ‘Your blood,’ she said, ‘is very strong. You are very strong.’

‘You taste har,’ Mima said. ‘I think you are making differences where there are none.’

Tel-an-Kaa said nothing to this, but turned to Lileem who was crouched defensively on the bed, knees up to her chest. ‘I will leave you for some time. I wish to communicate with our tribe.’

She went to sit before the fire and composed herself for trance, dressed only in the shawl of her hair.

Mima climbed up beside Lileem. ‘Do you want to do this?’ she asked. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘I do,’ Lileem said rather archly, ‘because you’ll be so disappointed now if I don’t. The Zigane made you feel roony.’

Mima laughed. ‘Yes, but I won’t be cross, Lee, really I won’t.’

Lileem regarded her gravely for a moment. ‘I’m not afraid of you,’ she said, ‘just afraid of what I don’t know. I can’t imagine what it’s like. That’s strange, because I know in a short while from now I will know and everything will be different and I can never go back to how I was before.’

‘That’s pretty much it,’ Mima said.

‘Share breath with me, then. Show me what it’s like.’

Mima wondered, even as the desert song of Lileem’s soul washed through her, whether the hara in the next room would hear them. She thought initially she should be ouana, the guide and tutor, but then she found she had coaxed Lileem’s ouana-lim into blossoming life, and maybe Lileem should experience that aspect first, even though she had never been female. Mima realised that perhaps unconsciously over the years she’d trained Lileem to think of herself as predominantly female, because she’d tried to mould a kindred spirit
. I must unlearn myself,
she thought,
and find what I really am. Chelone was the beginning, but this is where it led, and I already have so much to teach her.

Thinking of Chelone, and the mistrust and suspicion in his eyes after their time together, made altogether more satisfying the fact that Lileem was very noisy during aruna. Her cries of delight could not fail to penetrate the thin wooden walls of the cabin.

In the morning, Mima met Flick outside as he gathered some wood for the stove. They would have a last meal together in the comfort of the cabin before continuing their journey.

‘What were you up to last night?’ Flick asked. ‘I know what it sounded like, but…’

‘I took aruna with Lileem,’ said Mima. ‘Is that what you mean?’

Flick pantomimed a double-take. ‘You what? Wasn’t that a bit… Were you drunk?’

‘Not really. Were you?’

‘Yes, actually, and I did things I never would have imagined before, but that’s not the point. Where was the Zigane while all this was going on?’

‘In the room with us.’

Flick laughed nervously. ‘Mima…’

‘Oh, it’s OK, she was in trance at the time. I don’t think she noticed anything.’

‘You’re kidding, aren’t you?’

‘No.’

‘Did it help you get over your ‘problem’, as Chelone refers to it?’

‘Yes, it did. There is no problem now. Want a hand with that firewood?’

‘Wait a minute. How’s Lee? Is she OK?’

‘She’s fine, Flick, stop nagging. You should be happy about it.’

‘I am, I suppose,’ he said with a sigh. ‘To be honest, I thought that one day Ulaume or I would have to take aruna with her, and the idea of that never felt right to me.’

‘Well, you are both like hostlings to her,’ Mima said. ‘It’s best this way. I wanted to be like you, Flick, but I have to accept now that I’m not. With Lileem, I have a chance of the happiness hara have, and so does she.’

Flick narrowed his eyes. ‘The Zigane told you to do it, didn’t she. She knows something. Are you going to tell me about it?’

‘I will,’ Mima said, ‘but not until we get away from the Parsics. You’ll love what I have to say, you really will. You won’t believe it.’

‘This morning, I’m capable of believing anything,’ Flick said.

Mima laughed. ‘Tel-an-Kaa picked up on what you were doing. She mentioned something about an aruna garland. So what was
that
like?’

Flick glanced at her askance. ‘Well… interesting, I suppose. Overwhelming. I never thought it was possible. I don’t think even Orien knew about that.’

‘You mean the unenlightened Varrs have more knowledge of aruna than the sainted Orien?’ Mima shook her head. ‘That, I find hard to credit. Give me details.’

Flick held her gaze for a moment, clearly wondering whether to oblige her request. ‘OK, two hara begin to take aruna, then another har becomes ouana for the one who’s already… Oh, for Aru’s sake, Mima, I’m sure you get the picture!’

‘Four of you? Amazing.’ Mima laughed loudly and slapped Flick on the shoulder. ‘Did you swap around?’

Flick tried to appear stern, then grinned. ‘Yes. Several times.’

‘Well, you learn something every day,’ Mima said. ‘It seems we all had a night to remember!’

On the day following Shadetide, Seel woke up fully clothed on his bed, with the nagging feeling that something was wrong. A few moments later he remembered the events of the previous night and his entire body went cold. Swift had not come back to the room. Seel groaned aloud. What had possessed him to behave in that way last night? It was almost as if some outside agency had taken control, made him fanatically determined to take Flick to Immanion, whatever the consequences. This morning, it seemed ridiculous. A suspicion stole across Seel’s mind. What interest could Thiede have in Flick?

That’s just a convenient excuse,
Seel thought.
You were bad, and you know it.

He bathed and changed his clothes, then went to the room where Flick had been confined. His heart was heavy. He had no idea how to make amends. But he found the door unlocked and the room beyond it empty. Swift must have let Flick go. Seel rarely argued with his consort, and he felt shaken by the harsh words they’d exchanged the previous night. It took a lot to make Swift angry. Seel reflected, rather bitterly, that Thiede had been right. Whatever manipulations had occurred during the initial stages of his relationship with Swift, genuine feeling had quickly superseded them. Seel liked living in Galhea, even though he knew that some hara harboured grudges and resentments about him. His occasional bad temper, which he fought to control nowadays, had contributed greatly to his life in Saltrock with Flick being ruined. He must not make the same mistake again.

Glumly, having no idea what to expect, Seel went downstairs. The family were gathered in the dining room, sitting around the large table, eating breakfast. Cobweb was the only one to say, ‘Good morning.’

Swift wouldn’t even look at him, and both Tyson and Azriel quickly left the room, embarrassed. Cobweb stared ruefully at his half finished meal, then sighed and said, ‘I suppose I should go as well. Don’t take too long making up, will you? We have guests later.’

After Cobweb had left the room, Seel said, ‘Did you let Flick go?’

Swift inhaled long and slow through his nose. ‘Cobweb and I did, yes. What are you going to do about it?’

‘Nothing,’ Seel said, and sat down next to Swift, who was at the head of the table. ‘Do the words ‘I’m sorry’ carry any weight?’

Swift glanced up at him. ‘I’ll consider them.’

‘I mean it. I was foul. You were right to let Flick go.’

Swift paused for a moment, then said, ‘Do you still want him?’

‘What? No! It wasn’t about that.’

‘It was about several things, I think. Will you tell Pell you’ve seen Flick?’

Seel nodded. ‘I think I should. Our Gelaming guests will no doubt have taken care of that, in any case. I’d like to ask Pell to come here for a day or so, if that’s OK. This might sound like an excuse, but I’m not sure I was totally myself last night. I think Thiede might have had a hand in how I felt. Pell and I should discuss the implications of that.’

‘You can go to Immanion if you want to. You don’t have to ask Pell here just to please me.’

‘I don’t want to go to Immanion,’ Seel said. ‘It would be preferable for Pell and I to talk here.’

‘Do what you think is right.’ Swift pushed his plate away from him and stood up. ‘I have things to do.’

‘Swift,’ Seel said, ‘please forgive me. I didn’t mean half of what I said.’

‘I love you with all my heart,’ Swift said, ‘but at the moment I’m angry with you. It’ll pass. You’re forgiven, but I need time to forget.’ As he walked behind Seel’s chair, he let his hand rest lightly on Seel’s head for a few moments.

After he’d gone, Seel closed his eyes and basked in the atmosphere of the room. He spoke aloud: ‘Thiede, you are a sly and manipulative beast, and I don’t know what you’re up to, but I’d just like to say this. You were right about one thing. And I will fulfil the prophecy you made: thank you.’

Pellaz came to Galhea the same day. While Cobweb and Swift entertained some Parsic dignitaries from a neighbouring town, Pellaz and Seel sat upstairs to talk in private. Pellaz didn’t want anyhar knowing the Tigron was in Galhea and it hadn’t gone beyond Seel’s notice that Pellaz also preferred to avoid running into Tyson, perhaps for obvious reasons. Seel talked about Flick and his suspicions concerning Thiede, but once the story was out, Pellaz only said, ‘Why didn’t he want to see me, Seel?’