The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (38 page)

‘Well?’ Ulaume said.

‘Something’s happening to her,’ Mima said. ‘She told me what she learned from the Unneah Rofalor. She thinks this feybraiha thing is happening to her.’

‘I’m sure it isn’t,’ Flick said. ‘She’s just afraid it will. I think she’s likely to manifest symptoms because she’s scared of them.’

‘What’s feybraiha?’ Ulaume asked.

‘You explain,’ Flick said to Mima. ‘I’ll go talk to her.’

‘You?’ Ulaume said. ‘I think we both should. What’s going on?’

‘Let Mima explain,’ Flick said. ‘I’m sorry, Lor, but this something Lee and I have talked about before. I’m sure she’ll talk to you too, but for now, just let me handle it.’

Lileem was a pathetic sight, appearing more like the child she really was than the young har whose origins it was easy to forget. Flick sat down next to her on the couch, where she was sprawled face down, her head in the cushions. He put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Hey, it’s me.’

For a moment, Lileem didn’t move, although her sobs subsided to snuffles.

‘We’re going to Galhea in the morning,’ Flick said. ‘That’s where Terez said Cal went to after Saltrock, remember?’

Lileem turned over. Her eyes were swollen, her face red and blotchy. She’d clearly been crying for hours. ‘Why?’ She rubbed her eyes and nose with her hands.

‘For work, but Ulaume wants to do some detecting too.’

‘Will it be safe for us?’

‘I think so. It’s a big community and therefore it’ll be easier for us to stay invisible.’

Lileem wriggled up the cushions into a sitting position. She clasped her knees with her arms. For some moments, she was silent, her expression intense as she stared at her hands, then she looked up and said, ‘Flick, I think it’s happening.’

‘OK. Why?’

Lileem’s face and neck had gone scarlet. ‘I had a weird feeling today. My body went all hot, and… I don’t want to say, it’s so vile. I hate it.’

‘Have you told Mima?’

‘Not really. I don’t know if I can. Is she like me or is she something else? I don’t know what to do.’

‘Have there been physical changes?’

‘A bit. Sort of.’

Flick lowered his head and pressed the fingers of one hand against his brow. He sighed. ‘Lee, we can’t mess around like this. We have to know. You’re going to have to show one of us, and tell one of us everything, then we might know how to proceed.’

‘I can’t,’ she said. ‘It’s just so embarrassing.’

‘Lee, it could make you ill if you don’t start helping yourself. None of us know how to deal with this, and we need more information. Yes, it’ll be embarrassing, but it’ll be over in a moment. We are your family. You don’t have to feel ashamed or scared. OK?’

Lileem writhed uncomfortably on the cushions. Fresh tears spilled from her eyes. ‘Why is this happening? Why? I don’t want it!’

‘We don’t know if it is yet,’ Flick said gently. ‘Now, tell me what happened.’

‘It was so sudden,’ she said. ‘I was just sitting on deck in the sun and I was making a new model of Lunil. It was going really well too. Then this pain just shot up my body, like I’d been stabbed or something. Some liquid came out of me. I knew at once it was something to do with… well, growing up, I guess. I’d read in books about puberty in humans and how girls menstruate. Do you know about that?’

Flick nodded, repressing a smile. ‘I think I can just remember.’

‘Well, at first I thought it was that, and it would prove I was female, har but female. And that would be good, wouldn’t it? Because I might not need aruna, but… Anyway, I went below deck and looked, thinking I’d find blood, but it wasn’t blood.’

Flick was silent.

Lileem put her hands against her eyes. ‘By Aru, Flick, it was awful. Just strange stuff, almost like the elixir you made for Terez. Does that make sense?’

‘Mmm, a little.’

‘I was all swollen and sore, it was so weird. And this is the worst…’ She uttered a nervous giggle. ‘I touched myself to see if I was OK and I nearly bit my own hand off!’ She put her fingers over her mouth and shook with laughter, although tears still coursed down her face. ‘I’m sure there were teeth.’

Flick struggled not to laugh as well, although he was bursting to. ‘Oh, well, if you ask me, that sounds fairly har. But there are no teeth, Lee, just strong muscles and an instinct. Did you notice anything else?’

‘Yes. My ouana-lim has changed as well. It’s more there than it used to be.’ She groaned. ‘It
is
happening, isn’t it?’

Flick drew in his breath. ‘Something is, obviously. Will you show me or would you like Mima or Ulaume here instead?’

Lileem covered her face with her hands again. ‘Oh, I don’t know! I know I have to but I don’t want to. Give me a moment.’

They sat in silence, while Lileem rocked on the cushions, uttering a low humming sound. It was the sort of noise she used to make as a child. Eventually, she lowered her hands. ‘We could all do it, all see. That would be best, wouldn’t it? Then we’d all know about each other.’

‘Lee, I don’t think so. That would be… well, I don’t think it would be right.’

‘Why not? If I was truly har you wouldn’t think twice about it, would you? That means you think I’m different, you look down on me.’

‘No, it doesn’t.’

‘I won’t show myself unless you all do. It’s only fair. What are you afraid of?’

‘Instinct,’ Flick said. ‘I’m afraid for you. If hara shared a moment like that, I know how it would end up. You’re so young.’

‘And that wouldn’t happen if it was just you and me?’

Flick stood up, agitated. This conversation was heading into territory he had not anticipated. ‘I’ll talk to the others,’ he said. ‘Wait here.’

Outside on deck, he took deep breaths. How stupid not to consider that if Lileem ever did come of age, like a normal harling, one of them would have to be her first aruna partner. But that might not even be possible. She could be poisoned by it, or worse.

Mima noticed him standing in the darkness and came over, Ulaume following. ‘Well?’ she said.

‘She will show herself to us, but only if we show ourselves to her at the same time in return.’

Mima turned away abruptly.

‘That’s reasonable,’ Ulaume said. ‘We shouldn’t prod and poke her like a freak. She should be as aware of the similarities and differences as we are.’

‘Mima?’ Flick said. ‘Could you do this?’

She would not look at him.

‘This is a hurdle that needs to be overcome,’ Ulaume said. ‘For too long there have been big secrets between us. Once it’s out in the open, we’re all a lot wiser and there’s nothing to fear. We live together as family, but we don’t even know if we’re the same species.’

‘No,’ Mima said. ‘You do it, if you want to, but I won’t. I’m not a side show.’

‘What good does this attitude do you?’ Ulaume said. ‘For Hubisag’s sake, Mima, stop being stupid and coy and start being har. It’s what you want, isn’t it?’

In response, Mima jumped off the boat onto the bank and ran off up the path beside the river.

‘Sensitive of you,’ Flick said.

‘It’s senseless,’ Ulaume said. ‘We’ve indulged them too much, Flick. We should have known these things years ago, now it’s so much more difficult.’ He clasped Flick’s shoulder. ‘Mima can stew for a while. Maybe she’ll come to her senses. Let’s go to Lileem.’

Ulaume was the best har for the job. Flick was amazed it was ultimately so easy, and wondered why he’d put himself through those awkward moments with Lileem. Ulaume made it fine, because he was so matter of fact about the whole procedure.

They returned to the cabin and Ulaume said. ‘We’ve talked about what you asked, Lee, and we agree to what you suggested. Mima hasn’t, and she’s charged off in a huff, but if you want to know about me, you’re welcome.’ He began to unbutton his shirt. ‘One thing about being har is not to be ashamed or frightened of your own body.’ Off came the shirt. ‘Perhaps it’s my fault, and I should have been more open with you from the start.’ He pulled off the rest of his clothes and stood before her. ‘So, let’s compare.’

‘OK.’

Flick could tell she was so fascinated by the sight of a naked har, she had lost some of her own fear of revealing herself. Lileem’s rampant curiosity was often a blessing. She began to undress and Ulaume said, ‘Come on, Flick, take part. I can give Lileem a biology lesson with you as the subject for dissection.’

‘Thanks,’ Flick said.

Never could Flick have imagined that one day he’d be lying on his back, legs spread, while someone described his parts and their functions to someone who’d never seen anything like them before. Lileem explained to Ulaume what had happened to her and Ulaume said, ‘When the soume-lam is stimulated, it can bite, believe me! It has five energy centres within it, almost like five clitorises. Humans would have loved to possess such a thing. It often has a mind of its own, more so than the ouana-lim, which is a bit of a reversal to the way things used to be with humans. The ouana-lim itself is refined as a male organ, and much improved. I can vouch for it.’

‘It’s quite pretty,’ Lileem said, pointing at Flick. ‘I saw the pictures of humans and they were scraggy.’

‘As you can see, we do have organs similar to testicles, but they are smaller and can be withdrawn into the body during aruna and I expect during birth. You can push them up yourself, like this.’

‘Have you quite finished!’ Flick said, flinching. ‘This is a bit much.’

‘OK, let’s have a look at you,’ Ulaume said to Lileem.

‘I’m not the same, not quite,’ she said shyly, sitting down.

Ulaume gently pushed her back and parted her knees. ‘Hmm. That’s interesting. Flick, what do you think?’

The soume-lam looked normal, but the ouana-lim was less developed than in a normal har and she had vestigial seed sacs. Her body was slightly wider around the hips than a normal har’s and there was still the suggestion of breasts upon the chest. ‘She’s not completely female,’ Flick said, ‘but the male side of things does appear to be underdeveloped.’

‘I think,’ Ulaume said, moving away, ‘that you are har, Lee, but you have physical abnormalities, like a birth defect.’

‘Oh,’ Lileem said, sitting up again and clasping her knees. ‘So, what does that mean for me?’

‘I think it means we need to know more. Try stimulating the soume-lam yourself and see what happens. I don’t think we should rush into anything, because you’re still so young.’

‘But Rofalor says feybraiha happens when harlings are six or seven,’ Lileem said, ‘so doesn’t that mean I’m more than old enough?’

‘Your feminine aspects are dominant,’ Ulaume said. ‘Hara don’t have breasts, but you do, even though they’re small.’

‘You said once that some hara do. I remember.’

‘I know, but it’s not the same. In humans, some men had quite fleshy chests and in hara it’s no more than that. Your body is also more female-shaped than ours. I don’t think we should take risks. If feybraiha is upon you, and you need aruna, you must try to do it yourself.’

‘Oh.’ For a moment, she appeared almost crestfallen, then she grinned. ‘I’m glad we did this. I feel so much better. There are no secrets now.’

‘But for Mima’s,’ Flick said. ‘I wonder if she is the same.’

Mima was back on the boat by morning, but reluctant to speak to anyone. Flick could tell she was suffering and eventually could bear her silence no longer. She was sitting alone on the prow and he went to sit beside her. ‘It’s no big thing, Mima. Forget it.’

‘Did you find out what you needed to know?’

‘Yes, I think so. There’s no doubt in my mind that Lee is harish rather than human, but just that she has certain abnormalities. Ulaume called them birth defects. I think he’s right.’

‘I’m not like you,’ Mima said. ‘I can’t be blasé about this. I’m not even like Lee, who has no feelings of shame or guilt. I don’t have Wraeththu innocence.’

‘We are not innocent,’ Flick said, ‘don’t ever look on it like that.’

‘Does she still want to be called ‘she’?’

‘She hasn’t mentioned it. The female aspect is very strong in her though.’

‘I don’t,’ Mima said. ‘I don’t want to be what I am. If I have to be alive, I want to be like you, but I’m not.’

‘How do you know?’

‘It won’t work with me,’ Mima said. ‘Forget it. I don’t have things happen to me like Lee did. I’m dead in that way.’

‘Well, if you ever want to talk about it…’

‘Don’t patronise me, Flick. I’m sorry I went off like that last night, but it’s just so hard for me.’

‘Be at rest,’ Flick said. ‘We are heading into new territory and this should concern us more than anything. We could find out about Pell in Galhea.’

Mima nodded, staring ahead up the river. ‘Yeah.’

Just after mid-day, a Parsic patrol ordered them to halt. They were a magnificent sight: black clad hara, wearing black plumed helmets, on horses with black glossy coats. There were five of them and at their signal, Ulaume steered the boat over to the bank. They carried guns.

‘What is your business, tiahaara?’ enquired their leader.