The Worthing Saga (46 page)

Arran managed to squeeze out some tears of rage. The loop never stops. “Are you calling
me
a tart?”

“You?” Ham looked absolutely stricken. The man can act, Arran reminded herself, even as she cursed him for throw in her such a rotten curve. “Not you, Arran, don't even think it!”

“What can I think, with you coming here and accusing me of being a phony!”

“No,” he said, sitting beside her on the bed again, putting his arm around her bare shoulder. She nestled to him again, as she had a dozen times before, years ago. She looked up at his face, and saw that his eyes were filled with tears.

“Why are you—why are you crying?” she asked, hesitantly.

“I'm crying for us,” he said.

“Why?” she asked. “What do we have to cry over?”

“All the years we've lost.”

“I don't know about
you
, but my years have been pretty full,” she said, laughing, hoping he would laugh, too.

He didn't. “We were right for each other. Not just as a team of actors, Arran, but as people. You weren't very good back then at the beginning—neither was I. I've looked at the loops. When we were with other people, we were as phony as two-bit beginners. But those loops still sold, made us rich, gave us a chance to learn the trade. Do you know why?”

“I don't agree with your assessment of the past,” Arran said coldly, wondering what the hell he was trying to accomplish by continuing to refer to the loops instead of staying in character properly.

“We sold those tapes because of each other. Because we actually looked real when we told each other we loved, when we chattered for hours about nothing. We really enjoyed each others company.”

“I wish I were enjoying your company now. Telling me I'm a phony and then saying I have no talent.”

“Talent! What a joke,” Ham said. He touched her cheek, gently, turning her face so she would look at him. “Of course you have talent, and so have I. We have money too, and fame, and everything money can buy. Even friends. But tell me, Arran, how long has it been since you really loved anybody?”

Arran thought back through her most recent lovers. Any she wanted to make Ham's character jealous over? No. “I don't think I've ever really loved anybody.”

“That's not true,” Ham said. “It's not true, you loved me. Centuries ago, Arran, you truly loved me.”

“Perhaps,” she said. “But what does it have to do with now?”

“Don't you love me now?” Ham asked, and he looked so sincerely concerned that Arran was tempted to break character and laugh with delight, applaud his excellent performance. But the bastard was still making it hard for her, and so she decided to make it hard for him.

“Love you now?” she asked. “You're just another pair of eager gonads, my friend.” That'll shock the fans. And, she hoped, completely mess up Ham's nasty little joke.

But Ham stayed right in character. He looked hurt, pulled away from her, “I'm sorry,” he said. “I guess I was wrong.” And to Arran's shock he began to dress.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Leaving,” he said.

Leaving, Arran thought with panic. Leaving now? Without letting the scene have a climax? All this buildup, all the shattered traditions, and then leaving without a climax? The man was a monster!

“You can't go!”

“I was wrong. I'm sorry. I've embarrassed myself,” he said.

“No, no, Ham, don't leave. I haven't seen you in so long!”

“You've never seen me,” he answered. “Or you wouldn't have been capable of saying what you just did.”

Making me pay for throwing a curve back at him, Arran thought. I'd like to kill him. What a fantastic actor, though. “I'm sorry I said it,” Arran said, wearing contrition as if she had been dipped in it. “Forgive me. I didn't mean it.”

“You just want me to stay so I won't ruin your damn scene.”

Arran gave up in despair. Why am I doing this anyway? But the realization that breaking character now would wreck the whole loop kept her going. She went and threw herself on the bed. “That's right!” she said, weeping. “Leave me now, when I want you so much.”

Silence. She just lay there. Let him react.

But he said nothing. Just let the pause hang. She couldn't even a hear him move.

Finally he spoke. “Do you mean it?”

“Mmm-hmm,” she said, managing to hiccough through her tears. A cliché, but it got 'em every time.

“Not as an actress, Arran, please. As yourself. Do you love me? Do you want me?”

She rolled partway onto her side, lifted herself on one elbow, and said, the tears forcing a little catch in her voice, “I need you like I need somec, Ham. Why have you stayed away so long?”

He looked relieved. He walked slowly back to her. And everything was peaceful again. They made love four more times, between each of the courses of dinner, and for variety they let the servants watch. I've done it once before, Arran remembered, but it was five loops ago, about, and these are different servants anyway. Of course the servants, underpaid beginning actors all, used it as an excuse to get some interesting on stage time, and turned it into an orgy among themselves, managing every conceivable sexual act in only an hour and a half. Arran barely noticed them, though. They were the kind of fools who thought the audience wanted quantity If some sex is good, a lot is better, they think. Arran knew better. Tease them. Let them beg. Let them find beauty in it too, not just titillation, not just lust. That's why she was a star, and they were playing servants in somebody else's loop.

That night Ham and Arran slept in each other's aims.

And in the morning Arran woke to find Ham staring at her, his facet an odd mixture of love and pain. “Ham,” she said softly, stroking his cheek. “What do you want?”

The longing in his face only increased. “Marry me,” he said softly.

“Do you really mean it?” she asked, in her little-girl voice.

“I mean it. Time our wakings together, always.”

“Always is a long time,” she said. It was a good all-purpose line.

“And I mean it,” he said. “Marry me. Mother knows we've made enough money over the years. We don't ever have to let these other bastards into our lives again. We don't ever have to wear these damned loop recorders again.” And as he said that, he patted the recorder strapped to her thigh.

Arran inwardly groaned. He wasn't through with the games yet. Of course the audience wouldn't know what he meant—the computer that created the loop from the loop recorder was programmed to delete the recorder itself from the holo. The audience never saw it. And now Ham was referring to it. What was he trying to do, give her a nervous breakdown? Some friend.

Well, I can play his game. “I won't marry you,” she said.

“Please,” he said. “Don't you see how I love you? Do you think any of these phonies who pay to make love to you will ever feel one shred of real emotion toward you? To them you're a chance to make money, to make a name for themselves, to strike it rich. But I don't need money. I have a name. All I want is you. And all I can give you is me.”

“Sweet,” she said coldly, and got up and went to the kitchen. The clock said eleven-thirty. They had slept late. She was relieved. At noon she had to leave to get to the Sleeproom. In a half hour this farce would be over. Now to build it to a climax.

“Arran,” Ham said, following her. “Arran, I'm serious. I'm not in character!”

That much is obvious, Arran thought but did not say.

“You're a liar,” she said rudely.

He looked puzzled. “Why should I lie? Haven't I made it plain to you that I'm telling the truth? That I'm not acting?”

“Not acting,” she said, sneering (but seductively, seductively. Never out of character, she reminded herself ), and she turned her back on him. “Not acting. Well, as long as we're being honest about things, and throwing away both pretense and art, I'll play it your way, too. Do you know what I think of you?”

“What?” he asked.

“I think this is the cheapest, dirtiest trick I've ever seen. Coming here like this, doing everything you could to lead me into thinking you loved me, when all the time you were just exploiting me. Worse than all the others! You're the worst!”

He looked stricken. “I'd never exploit you!” he said.

“Marry me!” Arran laughed, mocking him. “Marry me, says you, and then what? What if this poor little girl actually did marry you? What would you do? Force me to stay in the flat forever? Keep away all my other friends, all my other—yes, even my lovers, you'd make me give them all up! Hundreds of men love me, but you, Hamilton, you want to own me forever, exclusively! What a coup that would be, wouldn't it? No one would ever get to look at my body again,” she said, moving her body in such a way that no one in the world could possibly want to look anywhere else, “except you. And you say you don't want to exploit me.”

Hamilton came closer to her, tried to touch her, tried to plead with her, but she only grew angry, cursed him. “Stay away from me!” she screamed.

“Arran, you can't mean it,” Ham said softly.

“I have never meant anything more thoroughly in my life,” she said.

He looked in her eyes, looked deep. And finally he spoke again. “Either you're so much an actress that the real Arran Handully is lost, or you really do mean that. And either way, there's nothing for me to stay here for.” And Arran watched admiringly as Hamilton gathered up his clothing, and, not even bothering to dress, he left, closing the door quietly behind him. A beautiful exit, Arran thought. A lesser actor couldn't have resisted the temptation to say one last line. But not Ham— and now, if Arran played it right, this grotesque scene could be, after all, a genuine climax to the loop.

And so she played the scene, at first muttering about what a terrible man Ham was, and then progressing quickly to wondering whether he'd ever come back. “I hope he does,” she said, and soon was weeping, crying out that she couldn't live without him. “Please come back, Ham!” she said pitifully. “I'm sorry I refused you! I
want
to marry you.”

But then she looked at the clock. Nearly noon. Thank Mother.

“But it's time,” she said. “Time to got to the Sleeproom. The Sleeproom!” New hope came into her voice. “That's it! I'll go to the Sleeproom! I'll let the years pass by, and when I wake, there he'll be, waiting for me!” She rhapsodized for a few more minutes, then threw a robe around herself and ran lightly, eagerly down the corridors to the Sleeproom.

In the tape-and-tap she chattered gaily to the attendant. “He'll be there waiting for me,” she said, smiling. “Everything will be all right.” The sleep helmet went on, and Arran kept talking. “You do think there's hope for me, don't you?” she asked, and the woman whose soft hands were now removing the helmet answered, “There's always hope, ma'am. Everybody has hope.”

Arran smiled, then got up and walked briskly to the sleep table. She didn't remember ever doing this before, thought she knew she must have—and then it occurred to her that
this
time she could watch the actual loop, see what really happened to her when the somec entered her veins.

But because she didn't remember any other administration of somec, she didn't realize the difference when the attendant gently put a needle only a millimeter under the surface of the palm of her hand. “It's so sharp,” Arran said, “but I'm glad it doesn't hurt.” And instead of the hot pain of somec, a gentle drowsiness filled her, and she was whispering Ham's name as she drifted off to asleep. Whispering his name, but silently cursing him under her breath. He may be a great actor, she told herself, but I ought to kick his head through a garbage chute for giving me a rotten time like that. Oh well. It'll sell seats in the theatres. Yawn. And then she slept.

The loop continued for a few more minutes, as the attendants went through a mumbo jumbo of nonsensical, meaningless activities. And finally they stepped back as if they were through, Arran's nude body lying on the table. Pause for the loop recorder to take the ending, and then:

A buzzer, and the door opened and Triuff came in, laughing in glee. “What a loop,” she said, as she unstrapped the recorder from Arran's leg.

When Triuff had gone, the attendants put the real needle in Arran's arm, and the heat poured through her veins. Asleep though she had already been, Arran cried out in agony, and the sweat drenched the table in only a few minutes. It was ugly, painful, frightening. It just wouldn't do to have the masses see what somec was
really
like. Let them think the sleep is gentle; let them think the dreams are sweet.

When Arran woke, her first thought was to find out if the loop had
worked
. She had certainly gone through enough effort—now to see if Triuff's predictions of retirement had been fulfilled.

They had been.

Triuff was waiting right outside the Sleeproom, and hugged Arran tightly. “Arlan, you wouldn't believe it!” she said, laughing uproariously. “Your last three loops had already set records— the highest-grossing loops of all time. But this one! one!”

“Well?” Arran demanded.

“More than three times the total of those three loops put together!”

Arran smiled. “Then I can retire?”

“Only if you want to,” Triuff said. “I have several pretty good deals worked out—”

“Forget it,” Arran said.

“They wouldn't take much work, only a few days each—”

“I said forget it. From now on I never strap another recorder to my leg again. I'll guest. But I won't record.”

“Fine, fine,” Triuif said. “I told them, but they made me promise to ask you anyway.”

“And probably paid you a pretty penny, too,” Arran answered. Triuif shrugged and smiled.

“You're the greatest ever,” Triuff said. “No one has ever done so well as you.”

Arran shook her head. “Might be true,” she said, “but I was really sweating it. That was a rotten trick you pulled on me, having Ham break character like that.”

Triuff shook her head. “No, no, not at all, Arran. That must have been
his
idea. I told him to threaten to kill you—a real climax, you know. And then he went in and did what he did. Well, no harm done, It's an exquisite scene, and
because
he broke character, and you, too, there at the end—the audience believed that it
was
real. Beautiful. Of course, everybody and his duck is breaking character now, but it doesn't work anymore. Everyone knows it's just another device. But the first time, with you and Ham”—and Triuif made an expansive gesture—“it was magnificent.”