The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (20 page)

“
Right. I don’t want her to know about Johnny until I’m absolutely sure of him.”

Marion hummed an old blues song.

“
What, Mama?”

Marion smiled and folded her hands. “You haven’t told Johnny about Angel, have you?”

“
Not yet.” Gloria sighed. “But I will.”

Marion threw back her head. “Nathan, it’s me, Marion. You see this child? You see her? A grown woman who still lives with her grandma and is afraid to tell her new man that she’s a mama.”

“
When the time is right, Mama, okay? I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

“
Alone.”

“
Hush, Mama.”

“
A-low-un,” Marion said again.

Marion returned to the kitchen and refreshed her coffee, the phonebook on top of the microwave calling out to her. She opened it and ran her finger down the listings for pizza in the Yellow Pages.

She smiled.

“
I’m having me some pizza tonight, oh yes I am,” she whispered. “Ola, Señor Pizza. I wonder if y’all will let me request a certain driver named Johnny …”

18

Johnny collected coupons and a few tips on Thursday night, sad yet relieved that he had nothing for Gloria to read. Her criticisms still stung, but at least she couldn’t criticize his writing tonight. He had written only that single sentence before falling into a rare, deep, relaxing sleep, and he didn’t want to waste an entire sheet of fanfold paper to print it out.

“
You have an order for Northwest,” Hector said, pointing to a single small pizza.

“
Northwest? Do we deliver there?”

Hector shrugged. “Maybe my fame is spreading.”

And maybe someone dialed a wrong number.
Johnny checked the map, memorized his route, and drove several miles across town. He pulled to the curb in front of a neat white two-story with black shutters, located the small pizza in the back, and carried it up the sidewalk and some sturdy wooden stairs to the covered porch.

No porch light, no doorbell.
He knocked on the door and waited.
Nice uncomfortable chair. What kind of a person would think that chair is comfortable?

An interior light came on to his left, a loveseat staring at him from a small living room. The porch light blinked on, the door opened, and a thin gray woman with piercing dark brown eyes and pure white hair looked up at him. “You Johnny?”

Hector’s now giving out my name?
“Yes, ma’am.”

The woman stepped back and opened the door wider. “Come in.”

Johnny walked inside, and the woman shut the door behind him. “Do you have a coupon, ma’am?”

The old woman merely stared. “I look like I have a coupon?” She held out a ten. “This enough?”

For a small regular cheese that costs Hector less than a dollar to make.
“Yes.” He took the ten. “Let me give you your change.” He handed her a five.

“
This was only five bucks?” she asked.

“
Um, it’s on special.”
Smalls are never on special at Señor Pizza and often cost more than mediums with two or more toppings.

The woman squinted. “Uh-huh. You eat what you deliver?”

There’s a new question.
“Yes, ma’am.”

“
It shows.” She set the pizza on a table in the hallway. “Bet you got stones.”

“
Huh?”

She pointed to her back. “Kidney stones.”

She’s certainly nosy, but she’s right.
“Yes, ma’am. I’ve had them.”

“
Hurts, don’t it?”

Like getting a cavity filled without anesthesia.
“Yes, ma’am.”

The woman smiled. “Stay away from cheese then.”

Johnny nodded. “And sweet tea. I drink too much of it.”

The woman nodded. “You expecting a tip?”

Little old lady living alone in a tiny house, probably on a fixed income.
“No, ma’am, but it’s okay. I’ve had a good night.”
Not.

She handed back the five. “Gimme five ones.”

Johnny fished out five ones and handed them to her.

She counted out all five bills and laid them in his hand, taking a long time to stare at his hand for some reason. “For your gas. Prices are outrageous, ain’t they?”

“
Yes, ma’am. Thank you so much, ma’am.” Johnny glanced at the door.

“
Marion.” She stuck out a hand.

Johnny fumbled with the warming bag and took her hand. “Johnny.”

Marion smiled. “I already knew that, remember?” She stared again at Johnny’s hand and smiled more broadly before releasing it. “No one calls me Marion anymore. I’m Grandma and Mama exclusively these days.”

Johnny didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.

Marion removed a baby picture in a golden frame from the wall over a long hall table. “This is my grandbaby, Angel.”

A baby with giggling brown eyes, an open mouth, and two tiny fists seemed to laugh at him. “She’s beautiful.”

“
Takes after me more than her mama,” Marion said.

“
She has amazing eyes.”

“
Yes, she does. Wears glasses now, poor thing.”

Johnny glanced again at the door. “Um, Marion, I have to get back to my deliveries. Keep us in mind if you ever want pizza. It was nice meeting you.”

“
Yes, it was, wasn’t it?”

Even though Marion had her quirks, Johnny liked Marion. He even planned to add a character like her to his book.

After two more deliveries, he decided to go to Quick-E Mart to see—

Johnny didn’t know what to call Gloria.

My love? My girl?

He smiled.

“
I’m going to see my sweet patootie.”

19

“
Thank you for calling Quick-E Mart. This is Gloria Minnick. How may I be of service?”

“
Gloria, it’s your mama.”

Mama never calls here! Something must have happened!
“Is Angel all right?”

“
She’s asleep.”

“
So why are you calling? You never call here.” Gloria heard Marion’s lips smacking. “What are you eating?”

“
Pizza. Not bad. Needs more sauce, but it’ll do. Not something I’d order every day.”

This is strange. She never eats food unless she prepared it herself.
“You ordered a pizza?”

More lip smacking.

Who delivers to Melrose?
Gloria thought.
The nearest Pizza Hut went out of business years ago, and Domino’s is too scared to come to Melrose after dark. Wait a minute. Geez, Mama, why do you have to meddle so much?
“Mama, you ordered from Señor Pizza, didn’t you?”

“
Sí.”

And now she’s speaking Spanish.
“So you met Johnny.”

More lip smacking.

“
You were civil to him, weren’t you?” Gloria asked.

“
I tipped him five bucks.”

Which he’ll put in my hand sometime tonight for his gas. How … ironic.
“What did you order?”

“
A small cheese, and that’s about all I taste. Not much sauce.”

“
And you tipped Johnny five bucks for that?” Gloria asked.

“
I liked his hands. Really big ones with nice wide fingers.”

Every man’s hand is thick compared to her skinny hands.
“No seriously, why so much?”

“
Hector, that’s his boss, told me it would be seven-fifty, and Johnny undercharged me two-fifty. And, I talked his ear off. He thinks Angel has amazing eyes.”

What?
“I thought you said Angel was asleep.”

“
She is. I showed him Angel’s first baby picture, the one in the hallway. You remember that day, don’t you? When she had such bad gas and couldn’t stop pooting.”

Angel isn’t exactly smiling in that picture.
“You didn’t tell him who, I mean, you didn’t tell him—”

“
I didn’t tell him anything but my name,” Marion said. “I kept your silly secret.”

Gloria sighed deeply. “But why didn’t you just meet him when I wanted you to, Mama? What’s the rush?”

“
No rush. Just bored. I’m old, remember? I do funny things. I didn’t have to call you about his visit at all, did I? And you never would have been the wiser.”

Gloria shook her head.
It might have been better if she hadn’t told me.

“
I could have had you stumble over the pizza box when you came home, right?” Marion asked. “I should have served you a slice of pizza for your breakfast. Busy night?”

Mama doesn’t know how to use transition either.
“Not as busy as yours.”

Marion laughed. “I like staying busy. It keeps me young. I may order another pizza in a few days.”

And she would.
“Well, tell me everything you found wrong with him.”

“
Let me get my list.”

Gloria heard paper rustling. “You made a list?”

“
It’s just a napkin, Gloria. First of all, he’s too polite, too nice. I practically told him he was fat, and he only smiled.”

“
You told him he was fat?”
Johnny’s not fat. He’s just right!

“
In a manner of speaking. Oh, and he’s had kidney stones. Too much sugar and cheese. Maybe you shouldn’t be giving him those suckers.”

“
You actually had the gall to ask him if he had kidney stones?” Gloria asked.

“
It just sort of … came up in conversation. We had a long talk, you know. He there yet?”

Gloria looked outside at the empty lot. “He’s on his way here? How do you know that?”

“
I just figured. He didn’t leave his car running, which probably means he’s low on gas. And that car, by the way, is the ugliest car I’ve ever seen. That kind of green should only come out on Halloween.”

So, he’s on his way here after meeting my mama, who’s really, my grandma, only he doesn’t know he’s met her, after seeing a picture of my child whom I haven’t told him about yet.

That would never fly in a romance novel.

“
But what do you really think of him? He’s nice, right?”
Please like a man I like, Mama. Just this once.

“
Well, he doesn’t do a blessed thing for my heart and soul, but he isn’t awful looking. He had one hair sprouting out of the top of his left ear. His barber must be blind. It was just waving in the wind like a big ol’ black snake.”

“
I thought you were only looking at his hands, Mama,” Gloria said.

“
Big ears mean something, too. I forget what. Wish he wasn’t so bundled up so I could check out his caboose.”

“
Mama!”

“
I know you’ve checked it out, probably every night for the last four months.”

Well, yeah, but …

“
He has a kind face, Gloria, and he’s patient. He took the time out of his busy schedule to humor an old lady. I like that. And his hands. Girl, they’re huge! He there yet?”

Gloria checked the lot. No cars. “No. Why do you keep asking?”

“
Just wanted to see how much of a hurry he is to see you.”

“
He might be going back to get more pizzas to deliver,” Gloria said.

Headlights swung into the lot followed by a Volvo station wagon.