The World's Awesomest Air-Barf (13 page)

Danny spied a hardware stall nearby and grabbed a handful of wooden pegs.

‘This worked when I had toxic toes,’ he explained. He clipped one on to his nose, and handed out the others.

Pegs in place, Grandad, Grandma and the boys hurried into the marquee. A shocking sight met their eyes: Ernie Slack stood over Grandad’s marrow, the axe raised high above his head, ready
to strike.

‘No!’ yelled Grandad. ‘Stop!’ But Ernie Slack
had
stopped. He was as stiff as a statue.

The big pot containing the Rotting Chowhabunga plant stood on a table in the centre of the marquee. The thick, purple star-shaped flower was open, and looked like a hand reaching up to the
sky.

‘The story was true!’ said Grandad.

‘Ace!’ cried Danny.

‘Cool!’ agreed Matthew.

The boys ran forward. ‘Has he
really
been turned into stone?’ Matthew wondered.

Danny prodded Ernie Slack’s tummy and it wobbled a little. ‘No,’ he replied, disappointed. ‘He’s just sort of . . . frozen.’

‘You’d better take some photos of your flower before it dies,’ suggested Grandma.

‘Aye, I will,’ replied Grandad. ‘But first I’m going to get evidence.’ He pulled a camera out of his pocket, and took photographs of Ernie Slack about to do his
dastardly deed.

‘Boys, go and find Judge Willis,’ said Grandma. ‘Tell him to put a peg on his nose and come quick. He needs to see this.’

Danny and Matthew returned with Judge Willis, and while the grown-ups tutted and shook their heads at the frozen cheat, the boys picked up the pot containing the Rotting Chowhabunga and heaved
it out of the big tent. They carried it to the far end of the field, and placed it under an old pear tree.

‘It shouldn’t do any harm over here,’ said Danny.

Immediately four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge plummeted senseless from the branches of the pear tree on to the grass below.

‘This
must
be the stinkiest flower in the world,’ said Danny.

‘It’s awesome,’ admired Matthew. ‘Not as bad as your feet though.’

‘No,’ agreed Danny. ‘Not
that
bad.’

When they got back to the main marquee, the paralysing effect of the Rotting Chowhabunga’s stink had worn off, and Ernie Slack had thawed out. He stood like a naughty schoolboy before
Judge Willis and the huge crowd of spectators.

‘Because of your unsportsmanlike behaviour, you are disqualified from this year’s competition,’ the judge said sternly. He reached into the top pocket of his jacket and
brandished a red card.

Ernie’s face darkened, like a little thunder cloud about to burst, and his curly black moustache nearly twitched off his face. The crowd booed and hissed as he slunk from the marquee.

Judge Willis held up his hand and everyone fell silent. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, let the judging begin!’

It was an agonizing wait, as the judges judged. One by one, they pronounced the winners of the Spottiest Cow, the Pig with the Curliest Tail, the Sheep with the Loudest Baa, the Sweetest Rose,
the Sunniest Marigold, the Crustiest Loaf, the Most Tear-jerking Onion . . .

At last Judge Willis declared, ‘The winner of First Prize for Most Massive Marrow in Show goes to . . . Nobby Baker!’

‘Yesssssssssssssssssss!’ cried Grandad, Grandma, Danny and Matthew together.

Grandad also won Blue Rosettes for the Longest Carrot and Stringiest Beans. Finally Judge Willis announced, ‘We have one extra-special award to give, one that we have never awarded before
and I hope will never
ever
award again. The prize for the Stinkiest Flower in Show goes to Nobby Baker!’

Everyone clapped and cheered. Grandad beamed with joy.

When the award ceremony was over, the judges came to shake hands with Grandad.

‘So, Nobby, what’s the special ingredient you’ve been feeding your vegetables with this year?’ asked Judge Willis. Grandad tapped the side of his nose with his finger.
‘It’s a secret.’ He smiled.

‘A
super secret
!’ exclaimed Danny and Matthew.

‘I just wish I knew what the super secret was,’ admitted Grandad when the judge had gone.

Crag Top Farm

Puddlethorpe

Dear Mr Bibby

For once I’m not asking about a record for
me
, I’m writing about my grandad, Nobby. Yesterday at the Puddlethorpe Annual
Country Fair his Rotting Chowhabunga plant finally flowered for the very first time. It was the stinkiest flower I’ve ever smelt.

Grandad says that this is the first time a Rotting Chowhabunga has ever flowered in captivity. Is this true, and does that make my grandad a
record breaker?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

PS I’ve sent a picture he did it. It’s lucky for you I didn’t take it with a Smello-vision camera!

Dear Danny,

Thank you for your letter. Actually, I
have
smelt the Rotting Chowhabunga flower. I once went to the Amazon jungle just to smell it. The
local people know when the flower is about to open, because the forest clears of animals just before it happens. Flocks of birds rise from the trees and troupes of monkeys flee in panic. The smell
reminded me of boiled cabbage and seaweed and eggs and cheese and drains all mixed together. Because of the legend, I was careful not to get too close, but even at a distance of fifteen metres my
nose went numb and my toes began to tingle! I’m very glad I wasn’t in that marquee at the Fair when the flower opened.