The Wisdom of Oscar Wilde (15 page)

J
ACK:
You really love me, Gwendolen?

G
WENDOLEN:
Passionately!

J
ACK:
Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me.

G
WENDOLEN:
My own Ernest!
(They embrace.)

J
ACK:
But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest?

G
WENDOLEN:
But your name is Ernest.

J
ACK:
Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then?

G
WENDOLEN
(glibly):
Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.

J
ACK:
Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name of Ernest.... I don’t think the name suits me at all.

G
WENDOLEN:
It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.

J
ACK:
Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.

G
WENDOLEN:
Jack? … No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations.... I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would have a very tedious life with him. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.

J
ACK:
Gwendolen, I must get christened at once—I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.

G
WENDOLEN:
Married, Mr. Worthing?

J
ACK
(astounded):
Well… surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.

G
WENDOLEN:
I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on.

J
ACK:
Well… may I propose to you now?

G
WENDOLEN:
I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly beforehand that I am fully determined to accept you.

J
ACK:
Gwendolen!

G
WENDOLEN:
Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?

J
ACK:
You know what I have got to say to you.

G
WENDOLEN:
Yes, but you don’t say it.

J
ACK:
Gwendolen, will you marry me?
(Goes on his knees.)

G
WENDOLEN:
Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.

J
ACK:
My own one, I have never loved anyone in the world but you.

G
WENDOLEN:
Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girl-friends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.

Enter
L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.

G
WENDOLEN:
Mamma!
(He tries to rise; she restrains him.)
I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Finished what, may I ask?

G
WENDOLEN:
I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
(They rise together.)

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself…. And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing!

J
ACK:
I shall be charmed to reply to any questions, Lady Bracknell.

G
WENDOLEN:
You mean if you know the answers to them. Mamma’s questions are sometimes peculiarly inquisitorial.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
I intend to make them very inquisitorial. And while I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.

Gwendolen
(reproachfully):
Mamma!

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
In the carriage, Gwendolen!

G
WENDOLEN
goes to the door. She and
Jack
blow kisses to each other behind
Lady Bracknell’s
back.
Lady Bracknell
looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round.

Gwendolen, the carriage!

G
WENDOLEN:
Yes, mamma.
(Goes out, looking back at
Jack.) Lady Bracknell
(sitting down):
You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.

Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.

J
ACK:
Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
(pencil and note-book in hand):
I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke?

J
ACK:
Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is. How old are you?

J
ACK:
Twenty-nine.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?

J
ACK
(after some hesitation):
I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income?

J
ACK:
Between seven and eight thousand a year.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
(makes a note in her book):
In land, or in investments?

J
ACK:
In investments, chiefly.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one’s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one’s death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That’s all that can be said about land.

J
ACK:
I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don’t depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.

J
ACK:
Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months’ notice.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Lady Bloxham? I don’t know her.

J
ACK:
Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square?

J
ACK:
149.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
(shaking her head):
The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered.

J
ACK:
Do you mean the fashion, or the side?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
(sternly):
Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics?

J
ACK:
Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening at any rate. You have, of course, no sympathy of any kind with the Radical Party?

J
ACK:
Oh! I don’t want to put the asses against the classes, if that is what you mean, Lady Bracknell.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
That is exactly what I do mean… ahem!.. Are your parents living?

J
ACK:
I have lost both my parents.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Both?… To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune… to lose both seems like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?

J
ACK:
I am afraid I really don’t know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seemed to have lost me.... I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was … well, I was found.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Found!

J
ACK:
The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?

J
ACK
(gravely):
In a hand-bag.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
A hand-bag?

J
ACK
(very seriously):
Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag—a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it—an ordinary hand-bag in fact.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?

J
ACK:
In the cloak-room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
The cloak room at Victoria Station?

J
ACK:
Yes. The Brighton line.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion—has probably indeed, been used for that purpose before now—but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.

J
ACK:
May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen’s happiness.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.

J
ACK:
Well, I don’t see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the hand-bag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL:
Me, sir! What has it do to with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter—a girl brought up with the utmost care—to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel. (Jack
starts indignantly.)
Kindly open the door for me sir. You will of course understand that for the future there is to be no communication of any kind between you and Miss Fairfax.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
sweeps out in majestic indignation.
Algernon,
from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March.