The Winter Wedding (10 page)

‘ You’ll be fine,’ I said, telling myself as much as her.

Lila looked up and her green eyes met mine. There was desperation in her gaze. As if she was reaching out to me to bring her back up to the surface again. ‘Hazel. I need you to
understand. I need you to be different.’

The next day at work, Josh caught me in the corridor.

‘You OK today, Haze?’

I’d been able to push Lila from my mind for the first hour of the day, but now, with these words from Josh, I felt as if I might cry.

‘Yes.’ Our eyes met. I gave him the most convincing smile I could muster.

‘Come in here a second.’ He led me into the empty meeting room and pulled up chairs for us both. From a tin left on the side he produced a biscuit, which I nibbled on gratefully.

‘How did it go yesterday?’

‘I’m not really sure,’ I said. ‘I saw Lila. And she says she’s fine, but I don’t know – I just don’t buy it, Josh. I’m worried that the
pressure of everything might be getting to her.’

‘The wedding?’

‘That – and her rehearsals. Lila’s a perfectionist, always has been. And when things don’t go exactly as she wants them to . . .’ My voice cracked as I thought
about how badly things could go wrong. In over a decade, Lila had, as far as I knew, not had a relapse. She’d seen a counsellor for three years after things got bad, and would still check in
a few times a year. But Lila had told me before that it was always there, it never went away, and that she knew one day it could come back.

‘I feel like there’s nothing I can do,’ I said.

‘You showed her that you’re there for her,’ Josh said, reassuringly.

‘I guess.’ It didn’t feel enough.

‘Keep showing her.’

I felt tears well in my eyes again and start to spill on to my cheeks. Perhaps the very wedding I was helping to plan was the thing that was causing the problem.

Gently, Josh brushed the tear from my cheek with his thumb.

He’d never been so close to me before, but it felt comfortable. More than comfortable. It felt good.

I spent lunchtime on my own at my desk, sending out invites for Lila’s hen night. I’d arranged a workshop making fascinators for the wedding followed by a night out
in Soho. It felt a little surreal, making these final preparations for the wedding when my gut told me that there was something going on, something serious enough that it might end up compromising
the whole thing.

At around three I went out to the courtyard to get some fresh air, and Josh came over. ‘I got you something,’ he said. ‘I might not be able to fix things for you, but I’m
pretty good with distractions.’

He passed me some tickets to an exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum, a display of the best sets for musical theatre through the past century. ‘They were selling out really
quickly, so I thought I’d bike it over there and get them.’ I felt comforted by the warmth in his brown eyes.

My face flushed in surprise at the gesture. I’d seen the exhibition advertised and it looked really inspiring. ‘Thank you,’ I said, taking the tickets he was holding out.
‘You didn’t need to . . .’

‘Entirely selfish really,’ Josh said modestly.

‘Selfish?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I know I didn’t have to. But I don’t ever want to see you sad, Hazel.’

My gaze drifted down to his full mouth, and for the briefest of moments, before sense kicked back in, I wondered what it might be like to kiss him.

August arrived, sultry and warm, and a hum of activity filled every crevice of the city. Workers cast off their blazers and suit jackets, and used them as makeshift rugs while
they spread out in London’s green spaces to eat their Pret sandwiches and sushi.

The days passed in a blur. From the final wedding-dress fittings, to confirming details at the venue and stage-managing Lila’s hen night, organising the wedding had become a full-time job
alongside my full-time job. Lila was caught up in the whirlwind, and seemed to have shaken off the melancholy I’d picked up on in her. We were all excited, and she was too. I didn’t ask
her again. But I hope I made it clear that if she wanted to talk to me, I was there. We shared late nights together going over the final details, and arranging the playlist.

I enjoyed the whirl of organisation too. Maybe because it helped me to push the feelings that I’d started to have for Josh to one side. They seemed to have come from nowhere, and I was
very keen for them to go right back there.

Mum and Grandma Joyce were still clamouring to get more involved, but Lila wanted to keep them at arm’s length. We let them loose on the table plan, which they took to with great
enthusiasm, and then subtly rearranged a couple of people’s places afterwards. Ben RSVPd yes, at long last, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

To see Lila at her hen night, surrounded by her best girlfriends and fellow ballet dancers, laughing again, meant everything. It was finally time to see my twin sister get married.

It was the day before the wedding.

‘It’s easier than it looks, I promise,’ Amber reassured me, as I eyed the four separate cakes she’d baked on their individual cooling racks on the counter. We’d
settled on a multi-tier affair, with the top layer covered in edible rose petals. I’d begun to wonder if perhaps we’d been a little ambitious.

She lowered the second-largest cake and then, at the last moment, dropped it onto the bottom one. ‘See?’ she said proudly. If it weren’t for the tiniest bead of sweat on her
brow I would have thought she’d had no doubts at all about the success of the manoeuvre.

‘Now it’s your turn,’ she said, pointing to the next-largest cake.

‘No – honestly, it’s fine,’ I said. ‘You do it, you did most of the baking, after all – I don’t want to mess anything up now.’

‘You won’t,’ Amber said.

She led me over to the cake. All I could picture was Lila and Ollie’s wedding, the scene set, everything perfect except for the cake, once beautiful and glistening, and now a patched-up
mess after my actions.

Like all the details of Lila and Ollie’s day – the cake really mattered. It would be the centrepiece at the reception, and Amber had worked for days getting the design and recipe
just right.

I held the cake gently in my hands, and steadied my nerves with a deep breath. With an encouraging nod from Amber, I lifted it. I felt like I had the whole of Lila’s wedding in my hands
– and it was down to me not to drop it.

Lowering it onto the two bottom tiers seemed to take for ever. Then, at the final moment, just as Amber had done, I let the cake drop. It fell into position and I realised I’d been holding
my breath – I let it out as a wave of relief passed over me.

‘Hooray,’ Amber said, smiling proudly at me, and adding the top cake, as if it were no effort at all. ‘See? I told you so,’ she said.

‘God,’ I said, turning to Amber. ‘It’s just hit me. How much is at stake.’

‘Don’t worry.’ Her eyes, kind, reminded me that I had an ally, whatever happened tomorrow. ‘It’s going to go perfectly. Trust me.’

The next day, Amber and I drove up to my family’s home with the cake. She’d be coming to the wedding as my plus one, so she’d have a chance to enjoy the party
as well. We’d booked Amber into a local B&B, while I stayed at the cottage. That evening, Lila, Mum and I were sitting around the kitchen table. It was the table that had nurtured in Lila
and me the desire to have a gathering place in our own homes.

‘You look pale, sweetie,’ Mum said to Lila, who was nursing a cold cup of tea.

‘I’m fine, Mum,’ she insisted. With Ollie staying at a hotel that night, I was seeing her on her own for the first time in what felt like months. Mum was right. She looked
terrible.

‘Last-minute nerves?’ Mum asked.

Lila shrugged. ‘I guess.’

‘It’s not too late to back out, you know,’ Ben, our little brother, said. From anyone else, it would have been a joke, but from Ben – well. But at least he was here,
sitting at the table in a work shirt undone at the collar, and a day’s worth of dark stubble. It had taken more than a couple of nudges from me and Mum, but he was here.

‘I need some time on my own,’ Lila said, getting to her feet. We watched her leave the room, and then heard the front door close behind her.

‘She’s upset, isn’t she?’ Dad said. In contrast to my brother, whose default setting seemed to be sneering these days, my Dad is unfailingly kind. ‘Shall I go after
her?’

I knew if anyone could help Lila relax, it would be Dad. He’d always had a particular skill for calming a situation. We’d joked in the past that he should be a hostage negotiator
rather than an accountant, but he’d always insisted that managing our family was front-line enough for him.

‘Let’s give her a few minutes on her own first,’ I said.

‘Maybe she’s changed her mind, and decided she wants someone who actually earns a living,’ Ben said.

‘Ollie’s a lovely boy,’ Mum said.

‘Man,’ I corrected her.

‘Exactly, that’s what I said.’ She turned to Dad and put her hand on top of his, in that way they had.

‘Now, shall I put the kettle on?’ Mum said. ‘I’ll get Lila a cup of peppermint, that should help her when she’s back.’

Ben’s phone rang and he got to his feet. ‘Yes, yes, I’m familiar with them,’ Ben said, switching into work mode. I rolled my eyes as he left the room. ‘Even now,
he’s not going to switch that thing off?’

Mum turned to me. ‘Go easy on him,’ she said. ‘It’s just a phase. Don’t let it wind you up.’

‘Just a phase, Mum?’ I said. ‘He’s twenty-five. You shouldn’t be making excuses for him – especially not when he’s as rude as he was just now about
Ollie.’

Mum looked out the window as the kettle boiled, watching the back of Lila’s head as she paced slowly up and down outside. ‘He’ll be all right in a little while. They both
will.’

Silence fell between us for a moment.

‘You don’t think she
has
got cold feet, do you, Hazel?’ Mum asked me quietly.

‘No.’ I shook my head confidently. ‘She and Ollie are just as hopelessly in love as always, believe me, I’ve spent the last few days witnessing it at particularly close
quarters.’

‘She doesn’t seem herself, though,’ Mum said.

Of course, I was wondering the same thing, couldn’t stop wondering, but I didn’t see that it would help anything to let Mum know that.

‘All brides get nervous.’

‘I suppose,’ she said. I could see it in her eyes, the same worry that had been plaguing me.

‘Everything will be fine tomorrow,’ I said, hoping it would be true.

When Lila came back inside, she walked right through the kitchen and up the stairs, barely looking at us.

A few moments later, I followed her. As I’d expected, she was up in the attic, in the corner. It wasn’t a proper room, more of a den, the beanbags and cushions we’d sat on as
children still strewn around. She must’ve heard my feet on the floorboards, as she looked up to face me, her face streaked with tears. I sat beside her, my hand gently covering her bare
feet.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked her softly.

‘It’s not just one thing,’ Lila said, her voice cracking. ‘I just feel sort of overwhelmed by it all. The pressure, all the people. And what we’re doing –
Ollie and me. Sometimes it seems like the most natural thing in the world, and then at other times I wonder if we’re crazy.’

‘You’re not. You guys are perfect together,’ I reassured her. ‘Tomorrow will be beautiful – I can promise you that much. And the rest of your lives – you and
Ollie will work that all out.’

‘I guess,’ she said, forcing a smile.

‘Have you been feeling OK?’ I enquired gently. ‘I mean, it must be difficult, what with the performances, and then all of this . . .’

‘Mostly, yes,’ she said, and I could see she’d registered what I was really asking. ‘I’m not going to pretend it’s been easy, there have been moments that
I’ve worried it was happening again. There have been days when thoughts have flickered across my mind and I’ve had to force them back out. And that’s one of the things on my mind.
Just because I haven’t got sick again, that doesn’t mean that I won’t. How can I expect Ollie to be there for me, through all of that . . . ’

‘Because he’ll want to be there,’ I said. ‘I hope it never happens, and with any luck it won’t. But if it does – he’ll want to be there for you, Lila
– just like I did. Just like all of our family did.’

She dried her eyes roughly with the back of her hand, and met my gaze.

‘Anyway – who knows how things will pan out, it could just as easily be you that needs to be there for him.’

‘I suppose.’

‘And isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be all about?’

She nodded.

‘There’s something else, too,’ she said. ‘Connected to what happened back then.’

She looked more fragile for a moment, as she took herself back there.

‘Ollie knows about what happened, but not the full story – nothing about the hospital, or how bad things really got. I didn’t want us – this good, happy thing –
getting tarnished with the general messed-up-ness of me.’

I shook my head. ‘Lila, you shouldn’t see it like that . . .’

‘Well, I do. I don’t want him to think I married him on false pretences, got him to sign up to a life with me thinking I was sorted, when I’m not . . .’

‘I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be anything other than the woman you are.’

‘I don’t know,’ Lila said, welling up. ‘On a good day I think that. But now I’m starting to think that that past – the one I’ve been trying for years to
leave behind, might end up being part of our present too. And our future. I was a teenager back then, and what the doctors told me didn’t really sink in. Hazel, they said that after
everything that happened, all that my body’s been through, there was likely to be some permanent damage.’

‘Right,’ I said. She hadn’t mentioned it to me at the time, and perhaps my parents had shielded me from it too.