The Willow Tree: A Novel (33 page)

Now that the important purchase had been made they were free to just roam around the stores and look at whatever they were in the mood for and, from time to time, pick up another little gift for one of the kids. Bobby was still excited by just walking around, knowing he wouldnt be hassled by anyone because he was with Moishe. He had never seen so many different things in his life, not even on tv. He didnt even know what some of the stuff was for, but he had a ball strolling around and looking, being in another world, one so different from his he couldnt compare them, and he was safe, this he knew even though he felt conspicuous from time to time.

Moishe allowed his memory to go wherever it wanted even if it would, in time, lead to pain. How long since he had such a wonderful time shopping???? Oh…who cares. Right now is the only important time, and right now he was feeling wonderful and enjoying the holiday season, and actually looking forward to Christmas, maybe the last time in his life he would have anything like a family Christmas.

That night Bobby went back to the hood to see Jesse and tell him where and when to meet him so he could give the presents to him for the family.

The next morning Bobby and Moishe went through their usual chattering at breakfast, but when they finished eating their talking sort of dwindled into silence, and they looked at their plates for a moment, then at each other, and eventually their smirks turned into smiles when they realized they were both thinking the same thing, and they got up and got dressed and went back to the stores.

A few days before Christmas they bought a tree. Moishe very carefully unpacked the ornaments and lights and other decorations, some of them from their first Christmas in America. He tested the lights, replacing the bulbs that were burned out.

Is a long time since I used these decorations—smiling at Bobby—Ya, first since Gertrude is dying.

Bobby watched, fascinated, as Moishe unpacked all the decorations, dusting off a large wreath, fluffing the ribbon, then putting it on the outside of the front door. Bobby stared at him speechless, and when he finished Moishe closed the door and looked at Bobby and shrugged, Why not? Bobby just shook his head.

Bobby picked up the ornaments very carefully, for a while, then became less timid in his handling of them, but continued to watch Moishe to see exactly how he was doing it, then felt a sense of excitement as he carefully placed each one on a branch, then stepping back and looking for bare spots, or just looking at the tree and smiling and shaking his head, Damn, it jus keep lookin better n better.

When they finished with the ornaments they started with the tinsel, Bobby starting by putting one strand at a time in carefully selected spots, Moishe smiling as he watched, then more and more on at a time until finally he was standing back and laughing and tossing them at the tree, Moishe joining him as he walked around the tree tossing tinsel.

The tinsel boxes were empty and Moishe turned on the lights and they stepped back and looked at the tree, Moishe looking more at Bobby than the tree. Bobby was smiling, beaming, and shaking his head, Damn bro, I aint never seen no tree like this. This be far out Mush…Gauddamn!!!! Damn!!!!

They put the presents under the tree and Bobby sat on the floor a few feet from the tree and just looked, smiling, shaking his head….Damn!!!! That tree be somethin else. I bet the kids be diggin it they see it—looking at Moishe, grinning—I bet they be diggin some ice cream too bro.

Moishe laughed and got them ice cream and put on a record of gospel music. Bobby looked at him surprised, Hey Mush, where you be gettin that?

Same store Im getting the Christmas carols. While Im in the store theyre playing this, so—shrugging and smiling.

Bobby shook his head and laughed, Check it out—moving his body in time to the music.

After a few minutes a different song started playing, and Bobby stopped moving, then stopped smiling. When he handed his empty bowl to Moishe he started frowning and staring at the base of the tree…continuing to stare, the sound of his voice reflecting his expression: flat, almost toneless and disconnected, Maria be diggin this song….She really diggin gospel. She be diggin Christmas too, all the time talkin about the baby jesus. Seem like Christmas the day she be lookin for the most. Guess she dont got to worry none bout that now.

Moishe watched Bobby as he got up and went over to the tree and knelt down next to the presents and started looking at them, picking them up and putting them down, moving as if in a daze. Moishe took the record off and the sudden silence seemed to scream through the room and create a black hole that threatened to suck them into oblivion until he put the carols back on. Bobby continued to move the presents around, checking the name tags, feeling the ribbons, checking out the bows, all his movements detached, dreamlike.

Bobby sat quietly for a moment, then took an ornament off the tree and let it hang from his fingertips for a second, then put it back, touching it with his fingertip, staring at the point of light reflecting from it, lowering his hand and continuing to stare…eventually shrugging slightly, then standing, Im beat Mush. Gonna get my ass to bed.

Ya…is late and very busy day—watching Bobby force his body into sluggish movement, his shoulders rounded. It seemed like a very long time before Moishe heard the sound of Bobby going to bed, a slight sound as if he had lowered himself slowly and carefully onto the mattress, and then not move except to breathe just barely enough to stay alive, as if he were hiding from a drunken guard with a club who wanted to bash his head in and break all his bones. Moishe leaned for what seemed an eternity against the sink, almost seeing the pain in Bobbys body and mind, struggling with the knots in his gut, the tears struggling to flow from his eyes, the terrible black, cancerous sadness and longing pushing at the back of his throat and churning through his body, a sadness that filled every cell of his body and mind, a pain that forced Moishes eyes closed for a moment, slowly becoming aware of the tears trickling down his cheek, tears that felt so cold and wet as if they came not from within him but from some foreign and alien place of blackness and ice, his head bending lower and lower until he became aware of a groan starting deep within him, ripping his gut, growling in his throat, then slowly forcing itself through his twisted mouth with a deep sense and sound of unbearable anguish and Moishe shoved himself from the sink and staggered across the room to a chair and fell on it, supporting himself by leaning on the table, no longer seeing the tree with the ornaments and tinsel reflecting the lights, the presents seeming to have disappeared and even though he knew the lights were on and he could see the familiar walls and objects of a lifetime, he felt only darkness, a horribly familiar darkness, an impenetrable darkness of such heavy substance it threatened to crush the life from his body, a darkness he had suffered and survived for so many years, so many times, a darkness filled with demons he thought he had left behind many, many years ago in a lifetime past, but now again devouring him in little bits and pieces, one tearful cell at a time crying out for mercy and Moishe cried for Bobby and his pain, and for himself and his pain, a pain not forgotten but thought to have been in the past, a pain he would not wish on anyone yet here he was not only suffering the same pain but witnessing its destruction of a young man he loved as his own child and he shook his head, feeling the tears fall on his hands, wondering why the world had to be so cruel and why he was once again going through this when all he wanted was to live his final days in peace, but he could not allow himself to become enmeshed with that for if he did it would certainly destroy him, and that would be of no help to Bobby, and certainly none to him because he did want to leave this life peacefully and not raging with pain and torment, so he forced himself to sit up, a little at a time, and to breathe deeply and slowly until he could actually hear his breath going in and out, in and out, in and out, and he tilted his head back as he so often did in the sun to feel its warmth, but this time all he felt were the tears rolling down his face, and he cried out to Gertrude, the sound of his voice startling him and he shook his head and remembered, again, the day they got the news about Karl-Heinz, but now Gertrude was no longer here and it was Bobby who was going through the agony of conflict and grief, and there was nothing he could do, nothing, right now, he could say to Bobby, this he knew in his gut, that he had to leave Bobby alone with his suffering, right now, and just be there for him if and when he wanted comforting, but dear god why did he have to suffer with Bobby, hasnt there been enough pain for any one person in his life? And how many times would he ask this question, cry out the same words to some unseen force? Oh enough…enough Werner we have gone past the point of no return, past the point of useful grieving over our past, and certainly past any point of reason about worrying about Bobbys future. Over and over…we have been here, right here, many times. The only thing is to let it go…let it go…wish for his happiness Werner, what else is there right now? Wish for his happiness and we/ll see what tomorrow brings. This will pass as does each day and tomorrow will bring itself and thats always enough. Yes, always enough. Just let it all go Werner.

Bobby lay in bed thinking of Maria, feeling how small and smooth her hands were, and how she rubbed up against him and twirled her fingers on the back of his neck, and how the feelin seem to go right down his spine and into his crotch…seem like no matter where she touched him the feeling went to his crotch and his dick got hard, and he cupped his crotch with his hands, and felt her tongue between his lips, and how she shoved herself on him and even now he remembered how her eyes always had a sparkle in them, sort of like the lights on the Christmas tree shining off the tinsel and then she was falling through the air, her eyes wide and mouth open but it was quiet and she just kept falling and falling and no matter how hard he tried he couldnt stop her falling or switch back to her tongue or the light in her eyes, she was just falling and then she was on the ground like he was over her and then just standing, but she was bleeding and he was all confused and then he had Raul on the roof and forced him on his knees to look over the edge, down into the alley with all the garbage, broken bottles and winos and he shoved him slowly over the side, Raul struggling but the skinny fuck wasnt worth shit and Bobby twisted his arm behind his back and kept shoving the muthafucka over the side, letting him balance on his gut and rocking him back and forth, back and forth, pushing him a little more each time until he was almost hanging straight over the side and Raul was yelling but his screams were lost in the wind and the snow and who could hear one more scream over the rest of the noise, but Bobby could and loved it but he wished he could just remember Maria and see her eyes and feel her hand but it only lasted a moment and then he was smashing his fist into Rauls face and hanging him over the side of the building, holding him by his ankles and watching him squirm, his head banging against the side of the building and Bobby squeezed his hands together tighter and tighter, his knees slowly drawing up higher, and he could feel the silent groans rumbling in his throat, and tears rolled down his face into his pillow, and his body became increasingly tense as over and over every memory of Maria was replaced with violent thoughts of Raul, and finally he felt his tears on the pillow, and felt a continuing silent scream twist itself though his body and mind as he felt himself caught between Maria and Raul and he knew with more and more certainty that he had to kill the muthafucka, he had to kill him but not too fast, he had to make the fucka know what was happening, he had to know there was no way Maria was just goin be rotten in a grave an that muthafucka walk free, no fuckin way, and soon all there was was Raul, Maria having faded into the shadows and he was unable to reawaken her image, to feel her hands, her lips, her tongue, the warmth of her body, there was only the cold hatred that he pounded into Raul and the feeling of pounding the muthafucka made him feel good, really good…it made him feel even better than thinking of Maria, and the frustration of feeling the excitement that memory sent through his body, it just reminding him of what can never be again, shes dead an aint never gettin up outta the grave so why think about her an how she felt and how he felt, but killin that muthafucka Raul made every part of his mind and body come alive, made every part of him pump with energy and hatred that cleared everything else from his mind and he felt like a fuckin king, like no muthafucka nowhere could do him anything, like he was the most powerful dude in the whole world, and he continued to slap the shit outta the muthafucka and pound him with his fists and dangle him over the side of the building and watch him fall to the alley, over and over until he could no longer keep the image going and his body suddenly seemed to curl itself into a ball and he somehow drifted into a darkness without images and he slept, still knotted, hands still in a fist so tight his palms were indented by his fingernails, and his body and mind continued to torture themselves while he slept, not allowing him to rest but only to be unaware of the images going on in his mind.

On Christmas Eve they decided to open their presents before Bobby went to give the presents to Jesse. They had agreed to only give one present each, but there were 4 under the tree. Bobby looked at them, then at Moishe, I know I only be buyin one so whats happenin bro?

Moishe smiled impishly and shrugged, Im seeing already a couple things….

Bobby smiled, nodding his head, You too much Mush…but I dont be complainin. You wantin to buy me presents I be takin them, you better believe.

They laughed and looked at each other for a moment, then Moishe picked up a gift and handed it to Bobby. He tore the paper off and yanked out a pair of jeans, Hey, these be sharp Mush…far out….

Im thinking youre needing them so it doesnt really count as a present, ya?

Hey, whatever you say Mush—both laughing as Moishe picked up another gift, a very small box. Again Bobby ripped the paper off and fumbled the box open and stared at the contents for a moment, puzzled, then picked up the chain and looked at the medallion hanging from it. He looked at Moishe, What it is bro?