The Widow and the Orphan (5 page)

Nibbling on a slice of toast with raspberry jam, Pepper sat at the breakfast bar watching Gabe scramble eggs at the stove. “Are you sorry you never had any kids?” she asked him. The question must have startled him because the steel spatula clattered against the side of the cast iron skillet. Pepper cringed and gripped her coffee cup a little tighter.

“Well,” Gabe paused, turning down the flame on the burner, “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”

I bet that’s a lie
. Pepper brushed some crumbs from the corner of her mouth and then took a sip of coffee from the mug beside her plate. “Technically, it’s not too late for you. You could still have kids for a long time.”
Shit, now why did I say
that?

“True.” He carried the skillet over to her and scooped some eggs onto her plate and then dumped the rest on the plate set out for him. “But since I’m marrying you, the question really should be directed to you. Are
you
sorry about never having had children?”

“Uh-uh,” Pepper replied through a mouthful of eggs. “I’m not sorry. Anyone I might have had a kid with before you was a loser. I would have wrecked my life and the kid’s life. If I’d met you ten years ago, or maybe fifteen, well, I don’t know.”

Gabe smiled at her as he sat in the chair across the table. “Ten or fifteen years ago, I was still in London, struggling to build a career. I was a nobody. I had nothing.”

“Pffft!” Pepper clasped her napkin to her lips to keep from spraying eggs at him. “You could never be a nobody, babe. Just not possible.”

“It’s not too late. If you want children, we could certainly try.”

“Nope. That door is closed.”

“Well, I suppose you’re right. It isn’t like we have parents around who are clamoring for grandchildren. There’s really no pressure on us to reproduce.” Gabe eyed her for a second or two, then shrugged and turned his attention to the newspaper and his plate of eggs. “We could always get a dog.”

Pepper just sniffed and continued to steal glances at him from time to time. He was right about part of it; there was no pressure on them to have kids. Neither of their parents were still alive. He was an only child and Pepper had no clue what had ever happened to her brother and sister. They were only seven when she left for California. She’d never provided a forwarding address, so no one had ever tried to contact her. She only found out her parents were dead when she did a search on Ancestry.com for the hell of it. Pepper pushed thoughts of her siblings aside. Now wasn’t the time to think of them, not when Gabe looked as handsome as he did, sitting there. All British and distinguished. How had she gotten so lucky?
Maybe I would have had his kid
. But what was done was done. Sure, other women could have kids later in life. Hadn’t she just read about some woman in her sixties who had
twins
for cripes’ sake?

But Pepper knew she was too selfish to have a child. When she was younger, it was a body issue. She couldn’t wreck her figure to have a kid or it would have cost her a career. Now that she didn’t need her modeling gigs anymore, she knew it was all about holding on to the life she’d built for herself. Being able to pick up, pack up and head out on a spur of the moment vacation. Sleeping till noon. Shopping for hours, without having to worry about being anywhere at any particular time. And mostly, having Gabe all to herself. She didn’t have to share his love with anyone. For the first time in her life, she had someone who loved her for who she was and what she was. Having a kid would fundamentally change all of that. Pepper didn’t think she could give it up. And since she had the perfect excuse of being over forty, she didn’t have to.

The absolute feeling of security she lived with now was far too new for her to give up so easily.

A week later, Pepper sat at the island in her kitchen, staring at her laptop. There were at least a dozen tabs open in an internet browser so she could peruse various websites for wedding ideas. Vivienne walked back and forth with Jane in her arms, lulling the baby to sleep. It was closing in on little Jane’s bedtime, and Pepper looked forward to being able to have Viv’s undivided attention as soon as the baby was down. She’d already emailed and texted and told her best friend about a million different ideas she had, but the two of them hadn’t been able to make time to get together to really begin hashing things out until now.

“Are you really going to invite a thousand people?” Viv asked quietly, as she watched Jane’s eyelids droop.

“Sure, why not? Gabe said we could make it as glitzy and glamorous as we wanted.”

“As you wanted,” Viv muttered.

“Oh stop!” Pepper snorted with laughter.

“It’ll be a spectacle.”

“Please, Viv, when have you ever known me
not
to be a spectacle?”

“Never, but that doesn’t mean you have to be.” She gently placed Jane into her bucket car seat and then continued to rock it as her daughter fell deeper into sleep.

“Hey, it took me forty years to get here. I’m not going to pass up this chance to brag.”

Vivienne chuckled and shook her head. “Okay, well at least try to keep the dress tasteful.”

Giving her best dramatic sigh, Pepper rolled her eyes. “Okay,
Mom
. Does that mean I can’t have this dress?” She clicked to zoom in on a Pnina Tornai gown. The corset top of the dress was completely sheer up to the cups and down so low, it risked exposing the lady bits. The cups were so small and high, Pepper knew it would look like she had two floatation devices on her chest. And the skirt was a giant fluff of feathers about three feet in diameter.

Vivienne nearly choked on the sip of coffee she had just taken. “Uh,” she stammered. “No. Just… no.”

Pooching out her bottom lip, Pepper shrugged her shoulders. “Oh all
right
.”

When Vivienne realized she was just kidding, she looked visibly relieved and Pepper couldn’t help laughing out loud. “Please! Give me a little credit, would ya? I’m forty-two, not twenty-two!”

“Even if you were, I’d burn that dress before I’d let you wear it.”

“Hey now, Pnina Tornai is one of the most sought-after wedding gown designers on the planet!” Pepper tried to look offended, but knew she wasn’t pulling it off. She actually agreed with Viv that the dress was
way
over the top.

“Be that as it may,” Vivienne sniffed, “that is
not
your dress. Show me something else.”

They kept browsing various websites to get ideas, and taking notes while the baby slept peacefully.

“Do you think you’ll try to invite your family?” Viv asked, as they scrolled through the hundredth screen of dresses.

Pepper turned to gape at her. “What in the world made you ask that?”

Vivienne shrugged and stood up, rubbing her back. “I don’t know. I guess I see weddings as bringing people back together when there’s been a rift.”

“Yeah, a rift. That’s what you call it,” Pepper crowed. “Well, I won’t be inviting them. Not unless someone digs ‘em up.”

“
What
?” Vivienne’s volume slipped upward and Jane squeaked but did not wake. She rubbed a hand on the baby’s stomach but continued to stare at Pepper.

“Yeah, they’re dead. Found their death certificates on Ancestry.” Pepper continued to scroll and click, not giving the topic any weight and hoping Viv would take the hint.

“Oh, Pepper–”

“Oh Lord, what time is it?” Pepper leaned forward to squint at the tiny clock in the lower right hand corner of the screen, cutting off what was sure to be a very uncomfortable conversation. “Shit, it’s almost seven.” She closed all the browser windows and opened up Skype. “I’m late to call Gabe. We talk every day when he gets up.” She initiated the video chat and waited for Gabe to accept, ignoring the fact that Vivienne still stared at her with pursed lips.

After a few seconds, Gabe’s rugged face appeared and she was smacked with lonesomeness at the sight of him.
He looks tired
.

“Good morning!” Pepper said in her cheeriest voice.

“Good evening, darling.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Vivienne whispered, already trying to tiptoe from the room.

“Of course not!” Gabe answered for Pepper. “Let me see that lovely doll of a daughter you have!”

They chuckled as Vivienne tried to hold up the car seat. “She’s sleeping.”

“Now this is a wonderful sight to wake up to.” Gabe smiled and sipped coffee. “What have you three been up to while I slept?”

“Wedding dress shopping,” they said in unison and then laughed.

Pepper chattered on about all of the mundane little things, hoping she wasn’t boring him to tears. When compared to the high powered negotiations he was involved with, her own life seemed kind of silly. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, love. I’m glad you’re having fun with all the preparations.”

“Well, I guess it all sounds pretty trivial to you,” she admitted, glancing at Vivienne, who remained quiet with a slightly amused look on her face.

“Not at all. Sounds way more interesting than haggling over the minutiae of starting up a movie studio. I’d much rather be there with you.”

“Me too.” Pepper gave him a wink and a lustful smile. “Will you still be here this weekend?”

“I thought I might have been able to sneak away and arrive Friday, but Mr. Komatsu is insisting I attend the gala. I’m so sorry, love. Monday or Tuesday at the latest.”

“That’s all right. Just don’t go falling in love with any pretty Japanese girls while you’re there.” She shook a finger at the screen.

Gabe’s rich baritone laughter poured out of the speakers on the laptop. “You needn’t worry, darling. I’ve only eyes for you.”

She grinned, warming inside like a school girl after her first kiss. They chatted for a few more minutes, this time including Vivienne in the conversation.

“Well, love, I must go. Nine a.m. meeting. I’ll be sure to call you tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.” Pepper sighed, her stomach sinking with disappointment. “I’ll look forward to it. I love you.”

“I love you too. Good night.”

His face winked off the screen, replaced by his profile picture. It was one she had taken when they vacationed in Rio de Janeiro.

“He looked tired,” Viv said quietly as she stared down at Jane.

“Yeah. I thought so too.”

“I think you need to adjust the screen settings on your laptop.” Viv turned back to the screen. “Everything looks a little yellowish.”

“Yeah?” Pepper hadn’t noticed. “I’ll take a look at it.”

Vivienne placed a hand on Pepper’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your parents. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Pepper mentally rolled her eyes, really not wanting to talk about all that. What was there to say? Viv knew full well how she felt about her childhood. Pepper had never been good enough, smart enough, pretty enough for her parents. It was a wonder she had ever developed any self-esteem at all.

“It’s fine, Viv. You know I wanted to forget all about that.”

“True.” Vivienne leaned against Pepper. “You know me. I’m a hopeless romantic. I always thought you’d reconnect with them.”

Pepper glared at her hands and then chewed on the cuticle of her thumb. “It’s not like I dropped off the earth, Viv. If they had wanted to find me, they could have. I did national commercials for cryin’ out loud. I modeled in magazines. I wasn’t exactly in hiding.”

The door to the past was opened a crack, and Vivienne pushed her way through. “What about your brother and sister? Have they ever contacted you?”

“Nope. And that’s fine. They probably don’t remember me anyway.”
Except as their screwed up older sister
.

“That’s ridiculous. Of course they would remember you.” Vivienne shook her head in denial.

“It doesn’t matter, does it? They were raised with the web. They would obviously know how to Google. If they were going to find me, they would have done it when the ‘rents died, now wouldn’t they?” Pepper tried to control her irritation and cracked her knuckles to distract herself. She knew Viv meant well. It broke her best friend’s heart that Pepper didn’t have the same kind of familial relationship she did.

“But–”

“Butts are for sitting on.” Pepper hooked a thumb in a wide circle so it pointed at her ass. “Let it go, okay? It’s over.”

Vivienne looked doubtful, but nodded. Before Pepper could say anything more, her best friend pulled her into a fierce hug. “I love you and that’s all that matters, right? And Gabe.”

Squeezing her back, Pepper snickered. “And Will. And Jane. It’s all good.”

Pulling away, Vivienne kissed her on the cheek. “Okay, I need to get this girl home to bed. I’ll give you a call in the morning, okay?”

“Please do.”

Glad to have moved away from the whole subject of her family, Pepper walked them out to the car. After getting Jane buckled in securely, Viv hopped in the driver’s seat and pulled away. Pepper stood in the driveway for another couple of minutes, trying to erase the conversation and focus on happier thoughts. It didn’t really work. Whenever that particular Pandora’s box opened, she often would dwell on it for a while before she could close it up tight again.

Pepper sat down on the front stoop, such as it was, a square slab of cement, and let the past rise up in her mind like flooding waters.

Her earliest memories were of numerous spankings and being told to be quiet or shut up. There were no smiles or hugs or kisses like she saw other kids getting. It was a life of harsh words and quick reprisals if she didn’t do what she was told immediately. If she hadn’t made friends with Vivienne, she might never have known what a normal mother and father were like. Pepper figured out pretty fast that her parents didn’t really like her, much less love her.

Evelyn and Morris Taylor had given a thousand condemnations for every backhanded compliment. Average wasn’t good enough for them. And neither of them had ever shied away from giving her a good slap across the face or kick in the ass when she showed any signs of standing up for herself as she grew older. There was no telling how bad the life would have gotten if the twins hadn’t come along.

Perfect babies, a boy and a girl, arrived when she was eleven, immediately becoming the prince and princess of her parents’ lives. They were showered with love and affection and praise, where Pepper had only received emotional and verbal abuse. To this day, she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t been good enough, what she had done to warrant such poor treatment. When she left Michigan, her brother and sister had only been seven. They hadn’t been typical, annoying younger siblings and Pepper had loved them very much. They were sweet and loving and had looked up to her like she was some kind of a goddess. She never was able to be unkind to them in spite of her teenage angst at the time. It wasn’t their fault Evelyn and Morris loved them more. Better.

“Rhys and Morgan,” she said into the evening air, swiping at the tears trying to spill onto her cheeks. They would be thirty-three now. Pepper fought hard to remember when their birthday was, but was ashamed to admit she couldn’t. It wasn’t their fault she left. Her parents had all but hated Pepper, constantly reinforcing their disappointment in everything she said and did. She could still remember the first time she’d ever mentioned becoming an actress and model. Her mother had laughed and told her she was too ugly. Her father had belted her in the mouth and told her to shut up.

Instead of allowing their nastiness to corrupt her dreams, she’d done what she was told. She shut up. She kept her head down, finished school and then hightailed it away from there as fast as she could. Pepper hadn’t worried about leaving her brother and sister because they were treated like precious jewels. They were denied nothing and given every opportunity that she never got.

When she’d left home all those years ago, it hadn’t been her intention to cut off her family forever, in spite of the abuse. Pepper had been certain one day she would breeze back into their lives, a glamorous and successful movie star and shove it down their throats.

When it became obvious that mega-stardom was not in her future, she was too embarrassed and humiliated to even consider contacting them. God only knew what they had told Rhys and Morgan about her. She just figured they’d been conditioned to hate her like the parents did.

Pepper had secretly waited for them to find her. The more time that passed, the easier it got to blame them for not reaching out. It wasn’t as if she had fallen off the face of the Earth. A Google or Facebook search would have turned up her name easily enough. Pepper had simply learned to live with the fact that her family didn’t care.

Yeah, it stung. No one wanted to think their parents could forget them so easily, but Pepper took it in stride, just like she did every other pitfall she’d faced. What else could she do?