The Widow and the Orphan (11 page)

“We need to talk.”

Pepper’s head popped up from the crossword puzzle she was working while sitting next to Gabe as he received his third chemotherapy treatment. Her guts twisted faster than the bag of bread she’d spun closed that morning at breakfast. “What?”

Gabe laughed and his eyes twinkled with amusement. It had been a while since Pepper had seen that look on his face.

“What?” she repeated.

“You haven’t said a word about the wedding in weeks, love.”

Pepper slumped in the chair and let the newspaper fall to the floor beside her purse. She held onto the pencil in her hand, pinching and rolling it between her fingers. She had wondered how long before he would bring up the wedding. “Is that all? I really don’t think this is the time to be talking about that stuff.”

“Why not?” Gabe demanded. “Don’t you want to get married anymore?”

“Of course I do!” Pepper lied. Well, not exactly lied. She did still want to get married, but she was too afraid to think about it because she didn’t know if it would actually happen. She couldn’t allow herself to get her hopes up only to have them burned to ashes.

“Then why shouldn’t we continue planning?”

“Gabe–”

“Don’t ‘Gabe’ me. I may have cancer, but I haven’t died yet.”

Pepper turned away liked she’d been slapped. She hated when he said the “d-word.” Or the “c-word.” She wasn’t one to avoid the truth, but she also didn’t see any reason to use the terms constantly, either. “I don’t know. I guess I thought we should wait and see how you do after the first course of treatment before we made any plans.”

“Bah.” Gabe sniffed. “I haven’t had any reaction to the chemo and plans can always be changed if necessary. I think we ought to proceed in a positive fashion. Let’s organize the affair as though I’ll be in remission and healthy enough to enjoy the celebration.”

Pepper wanted desperately to do just that, but didn’t know if she could handle the disappointment if something went wrong. She was much more comfortable taking things hour by hour, day by day. Looking into the future brought nothing but pain and fear for her. Even though she was positive and strong for him on the outside, her insides were a roiling sea of despair and fear, though she’d never admit that to him.

As she stared into his eyes, Pepper knew he was just as scared as she was. Gabe needed a touchstone, something to look forward to. Something to fight for, besides her and the ambiguous concept of a life together. Their wedding would give him something to focus on. Her fears and distress meant nothing.

“All right. Why don’t we go ahead and set a date then?”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through the calendar app. “How about a Saturday in January? The twenty-fourth?”

Pepper shrugged.
Dammit that’s so soon
! “That could work.”

“Check. Now, where do we want to have it?” He gazed at her expectantly, waiting for her to bubble over with ideas and thoughts. She knew she had to honor his wishes now, but she didn’t know if she could be fake, so she didn’t even try.

“I don’t know. We could do it on the beach, right near home. Or, we could do it at the house. Keep it small, just a few friends. Or, we could find a church, if you wanted.” Pepper cocked her head to the side and grinned. “You know, I don’t even know what religion you are.
If
you are. Are you?”

Gabe laughed and shook his head. “I was baptized Episcopalian as a baby, but we never really went to church. I guess you could say I’ve lapsed from all religion. It could be that no church would have us.”

“Heh, a big enough donation will get us in the door anywhere.”

Gabe laughed and Pepper winced because the sound of it wasn’t nearly as boisterous as it had been as recently as the week before. She hated noticing things like that. “I don’t want it at home, darling. Our wedding day shouldn’t just be another average day.”

“That’s fine.”

“And the beach is too unpredictable. What if it rains? What if it monsoons? Or there’s a tsunami?” Gabe’s eyes grew bigger with each disaster he predicted for their nuptials.

“You’re too funny,” she giggled.

Pepper listened as Gabe chattered on about his ideas for the wedding and the reception. He didn’t mention anything about a religious service or a church and for that she was grateful. She didn’t know if she could even set foot in one, what with her current state of mind. She mentally stuck her tongue out and shook her fist at the enigmatic God that so many people believed was up there.

Pepper did like the idea that Gabe was focusing on something positive, but it made her sad that the entire celebration and planning leading up to it would be colored with melancholy and an unspoken doom. How could she get excited when the next likely major event in her life would be his funeral?

* * * * *

He sure jinxed himself on this, didn’t he
?

Pepper held a cool washcloth to Gabe’s forehead as he kneeled in front of the toilet, heaving his guts out. If he hadn’t talked about not having side effects, then maybe he would have skated a while longer. Pepper felt so bad for him. His face was gray and he was sweating through his clothes as he continued to throw up.

“I’m so sorry, Pepper,” he wheezed, the contractions in his gut easing for a moment.

“Don’t be,” she crooned, mopping his brow. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

When the nausea finally began to lessen, Pepper helped him into shower, washing down his body and massaging his tense muscles and limbs, hoping the water would disguise the tears falling onto her cheeks.

“I think I feel a little better.” His teeth were chattering in spite of the steamy temperature.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed.”

Pepper dried him off and helped him into some fresh shorts and a shirt, then tucked him in. She placed a bucket on the floor just in case. One by one, the kittens found their way into the bedroom and hopped up to snuggle with him. Pepper camped there too, stroking Gabe’s forehead and humming nonsense sounds until he fell asleep.

* * * * *

They got the timing down to a science after that. It seemed like within about forty-five minutes to an hour after a chemo appointment ended, Gabe would be overtaken with a violent bout of nausea followed by brutal vomiting. Sometimes it lasted a few minutes, sometimes up to an hour. That part they couldn’t predict.

Pepper could only follow the same routine each time. Cool washcloths until he was finished. A hot shower afterward and then bedrest until Gabe recovered some of his strength. She no longer offered him food on the same day of chemo, either before or after. If he ate breakfast prior to the appointment, it just came up. If the smell of any kind of food got into the house once they were home, it would just trigger more nausea and vomiting.

Thanksgiving that year should have been a happy event, spent with Will, Viv, and Jane for the baby’s first. Instead, they stayed home, curled up in bed watching television, nibbling on saltines, and sipping clear liquids.

Gabe was going into the office less and less, opting to work from home when he had the strength. Pepper wanted to hire a nurse to come in and be there whenever she needed to go to the office or be away from home, but Gabe nixed that idea straight off. “I am not a child. I have a phone. If I need you, I will call.”

It didn’t matter that she worried herself sick about him when she wasn’t there. Gabe couldn’t see it that way, so she said nothing and did her best to accommodate whatever he wanted or needed. All they could do was hope that when the sixth and final treatment was finished, he would start feeling better.

“Why don’t you get out of here?” Gabe told her on a Friday morning after his fifth treatment. He had finally managed to keep some scrambled eggs down and a piece of toast, but his color was still pretty pasty and he had needed help to get down the stairs so he could sit at the table for breakfast.

“Why?” Pepper was finishing her coffee and rinsing the dirty breakfast plates to put into the dishwasher.

“Because, since you stopped working full time, you’ve been stuck with me for days. Have you seen Vivienne recently?”

“No, but she’s pretty busy.”

Gabe flipped his napkin onto the table. “Call her immediately and make plans to go shopping this afternoon. Have you found your dress yet?” His face was set and his eyes were squinting with determination.

Pepper sighed and gave him a tired smile. The last thing she wanted to do was go shopping, surprisingly enough. It had always been her go-to release in the past, but not lately. What she really wanted, besides for Gabe not to have cancer, was a two hour massage, a bottle of wine or two, and a gigantic cheesecake to eat. All of those things. At the same time. But she had responsibilities and she wasn’t about to put her needs first. Not while Gabe was battling for his life. “I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow or Sunday. You’re still recovering.”

“Nonsense. I’m fine. I will go back upstairs to bed and stay there the entire time you’re gone. I’ll probably sleep the day away. Please go. Get out of here for a while. Take the break you must need.”

Gabe’s tone was almost pleading and that made Pepper feel even more conflicted. Her gut said she should stay home. Her mind and body agreed with him, wanting to feel the warm sunshine on her skin and the breeze in her hair from the open window of the car. She felt guilty just desiring those things.

“Well, I’ll text her, but I bet she says no.”

“You won’t know until you try.”

“Fine, fine.” Pepper fished her phone out of her bathrobe pocket and sent a note to Viv.

Hows work?

Not too bad. I’m actually all caught up at the moment. Are you okay?

Pepper chuckled. Vivienne never used text speak and always typed out entire words and sentences. It drove her crazy when Pepper would abbreviate everything.

Yup 4 now. Can u go shopping?

Three little dots danced on the screen as Pepper waited for Vivienne’s answer.

Sure. I need about another hour or so. We could meet for lunch at noon and then look for your dress.

Pepper smirked and wondered if she and Gabe hadn’t planned all this beforehand.

Sounds good. Where?

Café Gratitude at noon?

C u there!

“Well, you got your wish,” Pepper said, as she looked up at her fiancé. “Viv’s on board.”

“Brilliant.” Gabe smiled at her and normally she would have brightened right up. This time, the way the light from outside hit his face, he looked gaunt and gray. Pepper’s stomach clenched with the thought of leaving him alone.

“Are you sure?” She leaned against the counter and hugged herself, unease sloshing around in her stomach along with the coffee. “I don’t feel right about going.”

“Bollocks!” Gabe shouted, but his tone was light and teasing. He scooched his chair away from the table with more force than she’d seen him exert in weeks. “You
will
go. Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps I need a break from you?”

Pepper should have been offended by that statement, but she laughed instead.

“I had not considered that at all. How could you possibly want to be away from me for even one single second of your life? Hmmm?”

Gabe grunted and pulled himself out of the chair by using the table’s edge. He walked slowly, but soon was standing in front of her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

“You’re right, my love. I never like to be apart. However, you are going to make yourself sick if you don’t get some fresh air and exercise. You haven’t shopped in weeks. Rodeo Drive will go out of business if you don’t get back to it.”

Pepper laughed against his chest, trying not to notice how much thinner he was as she hugged him back. “All right. I guess my Amex needs a workout. Just be careful and stay in bed till I get back, okay?”

“Indeed I shall.”

Pepper made him keep his promise by leading him back to the bedroom. She tucked him in, made sure his phone and the TV remote were on the nightstand, and that his laptop was in bed beside him if he decided to work at all. She also retrieved bottled water and saltines from the kitchen, in case he needed a snack.

“All set?”

“Aces, darling. Now go get ready.”

Placing a lingering kiss on his forehead, Pepper did just that, trying to shove her misgivings to the back of her mind.

Pepper browsed the dresses on the rack, not seeing anything that really piqued her interest. She moved from one garment to the next without any real sense of excitement or enthusiasm. All of the gowns blended together and looked the same.

“What about this one?” Viv held up a simple, silk sheath with lace and beaded overlay.

Pepper shrugged. “Too much lace.”

Vivienne hung the dress back up and continued her own search.

Pepper found something wrong with every dress she touched. Too much bling, too much embroidery. Too frumpy, too matronly. Too young, too sexy. What she couldn’t explain to Viv, who was getting very frustrated with her, was that each dress represented her fear that she would only remember her wedding day as the marker for the countdown to losing Gabe forever. Any time Pepper considered coming clean to Viv about her dread, she stopped herself. It wasn’t her best friend’s responsibility to be the cheerleader. Pepper needed to understand her feelings and work through them by herself. It wouldn’t be fair for her to heap all her drama on Viv, who was supposed to be experiencing the best time of her life with a new husband and new baby. Pepper was supposed to be the one people came to in a time of need, not the other way around.

“Come on, girl!” Viv sighed. “This is the fourth store we’ve been to. You mean to tell me you haven’t seen anything you at least want to try on?”

Pepper ignored Viv and reached the end of the last rack. “I’ll know it when I see it.”

“You keep saying that, but we’re running out of stores.”

Viv’s tone was teasing, and Pepper knew that her friend was only trying to be kind. She wished it was true, that they were running out of stores. Maybe if she put off the wedding long enough, Gabe’s cancer would hold off too. She knew it was irrational, but her senseless heart and brain were warring to convince her that if they never got married, Gabe wouldn’t die.

Linking her arm through Viv’s, Pepper led her out of the store. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

When they reached the car, Viv stopped before getting in. Looking over the roof, she put her hands on the frame of the door. “Pepper, you need to level with me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Pepper lied. “I just can’t figure out what I want.”

“I’d believe that if you would try anything on.” Viv frowned. “But you won’t. I know you. Now talk to me.”

Pepper opened her mouth, but then closed it. There was no way she was going to tell Viv about her crazy thoughts. Logically, she knew she was being an idiot. But the apprehension growing inside her since Gabe’s diagnosis had total control. She couldn’t seem to combat it. The fear let her be strong with an outward appearance of calm and support. The price for that was to believe all the crazy superstitious things that bloomed in her mind like weeds choking a garden. “I swear, I just can’t make up my mind, that’s all.”

“That’s it. I’m calling bullshit.”

Viv slammed the car door closed and walked around to stand beside her. Pepper looked down at the woman who had known her longer than anyone else on the Earth.

“Vivvy–”

“Don’t Vivvy me. I know you and Gabe are struggling right now. You don’t have to tell me that, but you
have
to talk to me. Or
someone
. You can’t keep it all inside or you’re going to have a breakdown.”

Pepper snorted.
If you only knew
.

“Don’t snort at me either. I’m the authority on meltdowns around here. If you hadn’t been there for me, I don’t know what would have happened. Now it’s my turn to be there for you.”

Pepper wanted to respond, really wanted to feel Viv’s arms around her and pour out all of her dread and panic, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. There was no reason for anyone else to suffer the way she was. “You are, hun. You’re totally there for me. I’ll talk when I’m ready, okay? Don’t push me right now.”

Vivienne stared at her, but said nothing.

“I promise I’m all right. I really just want the dress to be perfect.”

Pepper sighed when Vivienne refused to move.

“Ya know, this reminds me of when we were kids.” Pepper slung an arm around the shorter woman’s shoulders. “Every time you wanted something from me and I wasn’t ready to give in, you’d stand there with your arms crossed or your hands on your hips.”

Vivienne rolled her eyes. “Yep. And I always won in the end.”

“Not before I landed a couple of slugs to your arms, though.”

Pepper hopped away and threw her fists up in front of her and danced around on her toes. “Come on, shorty. Let’s see whatcha got!”

Vivienne burst out laughing and pulled Pepper into her arms, squeezing her tightly. “Okay, you win this time, blondie. Just this once.”

* * * * *

Pepper pulled the car into the driveway and put it into park, feeling utterly exhausted from the hours spent hunting through dress shops. She pulled herself out of the car and shuffled to the mailbox, finding it empty.

As she made her way to the front door and inside, she was greeted by three kittens bounding toward her. In spite of all the stress that cancer had brought to her life, the sight of her little fur babies tumbling amongst themselves never ceased to make her smile. She reached down and scratched them all, as they fought to be the first under her fingers.

“Hey, guys,” she whispered, scooping all three of them into her arms. “Gabe?” She hadn’t really expected him to stay in the bedroom the whole time she was gone. She figured he might have come down to nap on the couch or sit outside but she didn’t see him anywhere. No matter how hard she tried to fight it, the feeling of dread always filled her when she didn’t immediately see him upon coming home. Setting the cats down gently, she hurried up the stairs to see if Gabe was still in bed.

Sure enough, he was there, enveloped in the down-filled comforter. As she got closer, Pepper could see dots of perspiration on his entire face and the slight trembling of his body. “Honey? Are you okay?”

Gabe gave out a little moan. “I’m not feeling very well, love,” he whispered.

Pepper rushed to his side and put a hand on his forehead. He was as hot as a burner on the stove. “Shit! Come on, babe. We need to get you to the ER.” Dr. Agnone, the oncologist, had made it quite clear that if Gabe’s fever spiraled out of control that he was to go straight to the hospital.

As Pepper tried to help him sit up, Gabe flopped back onto the bed, as weak as any of the kittens had been when they were newborn. Even though he’d been steadily losing weight from the chemo, he was still heavier and several inches taller. There was no way Pepper would be able to get him down the stairs to the car.

Grabbing his cell phone from the bedside table, she started to press the numbers 9-1-1, but then clicked off the dialer. Instead, she pressed the button with Will’s face.

“What’s up?” Will’s voice was like a life preserver in the ocean of panic Pepper was in.

“Get over here right away. I need you.”

“On it.”

Pepper disconnected the call and sat down beside Gabe, stroking his forehead and whispering comforting words as she waited for the cavalry to arrive.
Why the fuck did I leave him
?