The Weight of Words (The WORDS Series) (40 page)

She was dissecting her chicken strip, pulling off most of the breading before biting into the chicken. This was Julie’s version of
living a little
. She was a riot.

“When I met him at Daniel’s parents’ place during Reading Week, he was
so
sweet. He couldn’t wait to call you. It was adorable.”

“Yeah, he told me all about how he’d begged Daniel to let you tell me about him.”

“You made quite the impression on him at the Revival that night, I guess. And you look great together.”

She smiled, nibbling on the celery from her Caesar. I was making short work of several potato skins.

“Same with you and Daniel,” she said. “And you have so much in common. You think there’s a future for you guys?”

Oh, God, what could I say to that? “I don’t know. There are all these limitations on us right now. We can’t be ourselves. Things are always kind of tense.”

“That’s understandable. Jesus, that must be so hard. I don’t know how you can keep your hands off him,” she said with a compassionate sigh.

Well, actually I’ve been pretty restrained with the hands. The tongue? Not so much
.

“It’s not easy.”

“What’s he like when you’re alone? Is he completely different?” she asked conspiratorially, leaning over the table.

This was painful. How could I talk about Daniel in the present tense when our relationship could potentially be over already? I chose my words carefully.

“He’s a lot more relaxed outside of the academic setting, that’s for sure.”

“I almost dropped my teeth when I heard him throw down the F-bomb. Who would’ve guessed that Mr. Shmexy swears like a trucker? What else?”

“I don’t know. He has a really cute nickname for me,” I said, offering up one of the few details I was comfortable sharing.

“Really? What is it?”

Julie’s enthusiasm was so heartwarming. This was what I’d been yearning for all week. I hadn’t even realized how much I was missing out on by not being able to talk about my feelings for Daniel.

“He calls me ‘poppet,’” I said, smiling shyly, but at the same time feeling somewhat wistful. Would I ever hear him call me that again?

“Oh, that’s so sweet.” She leaned on her hand, looking at me dreamily. “He does seem to be the romantic type.” She sighed. “And he’s got it bad for you. You should have seen his face when Matt ruffled your hair on Saturday. He looked like he might have an aneurism.”

“You noticed that, eh? Yeah, he’s got blinders on where Matt’s concerned. It drives him crazy that we’re so close.”

“That’s kind of sweet. It must be hard for him. What an awkward position to be in. Trying to get closer to you but knowing he can’t get too close.”

Julie wiped her hands on a napkin and pushed her plate away. It seemed to me as if she’d hardly eaten anything, but apparently she was already full.

“You know what, though?” she said. “Maybe it’s good that you’re being forced to take things slowly. You’ve got weeks to really get to know each other before shmexy times complicate things. As hard as it is to keep your hands off him, I think it’s an ideal situation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve regretted getting too serious with a guy too quickly. Once you’ve gone all the way, you can’t go back.”

I mulled over Julie’s warning. Maybe I’d been looking at this from the wrong angle all along. Was the delay a blessing rather than a curse? Was there even any point in contemplating the issue? I snuck a look at my phone. It was quarter to eight. I still had some time.

“So, does that mean you’re planning to take your time with Jeremy?” I asked her.

“He kissed me the other night after our date, but he was cool about stopping there. Not that we have anywhere private to go.” She laughed.

“Sounds like you need a back seat. Maybe you should suggest car shopping to him.”

“I don’t know. That’s a tough sell. You know his background, right?”

“I do. Daniel told me all about his parents’ accident. Crazy, huh?”

“He takes public transport everywhere, and I completely understand that. I’d never pressure him to buy a car.”

I stole another peek at my phone. This time Julie caught me.

“Whenever you need to go, I understand,” she said. “I don’t want what happened on Saturday to make you think that I’m not going to support you through this.” She reached over to squeeze my hand.

“I know, Jul. You’re a great friend. The best. I wish things hadn’t gotten so messed up last week. I felt completely out of control of the situation.”

“It wasn’t your choice to make. Shit happens. I’m glad it’s all worked out now.”

How I wished that were true. Something told me we wouldn’t be enjoying any back seat time in his car tonight.

“Oh my gosh, do you see that girl over there?” Julie asked, looking over my shoulder and squinting into the crowd. “The one in the green T-shirt?” I craned my neck and spotted the dark-haired girl she was referring to.

“Yeah, what about her?”

“That’s Hilary Walker. I went to high school with her. Do you mind if I pop over to talk to her? You can come with me if you want.”

“No, that’s cool. You go ahead. I’ll grab a bottle of water, and then I have to head out.”

My mouth had become dry as the anticipation of seeing Daniel began to transform into dread. What if this was the end? What if an hour from now there was no more hope for a future for us? The thought made me queasy.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Julie bobbed away excitedly toward her friend.

I typed out a brief text message to Daniel, trying to keep the tone light:

Hey there. At the Madison. Almost done.
Will let you know when we’re finished. -A

I headed over to the bar, trying to squeeze into an opening. I ended up near the stairs beside the front door, waiting as the bartenders poured pint after pint of draft. I perched on the edge of a barstool, cursing the stream of people whose entrances and exits through the front door were allowing frosty air to pour in and assault my legs. When that stupid groundhog had predicted another six weeks of winter, he hadn’t been whistling Dixie.

I tapped my fingers impatiently. I hated waiting to order drinks at a bar. Women with their boobs spilling all over the place always seemed to get such prompt service. My boobs were currently well-contained in my modest, long-sleeved T-shirt. I took a look at my phone. No answer from Daniel. Not that I was expecting one; he hadn’t texted me since the Hart House sextathon. He’d most likely wait to hear from me again.

I was tapping my fingers on the bar in irritation when Julie reappeared beside me, excited.

“Aubrey, there’s three other people here from my high school. Hilary’s gonna take me upstairs for a sec to find them. You want to come?”

“No, you go ahead. I’ll track you down in a minute.”

“Okay. Hilary said they’re hanging out near the dart boards,” Julie said.

She turned, and I watched her push her way back through the crowd to reconnect with Hilary. I looked out at the crowd, wondering if I should abandon my quest for water and head upstairs when suddenly the door swung open and someone was lurching toward me. Jesus—it was Matt, and he was drunk as a skunk.

“Aubsss,” he slurred, taking the six or seven shaky steps from the door to the bar and falling against me, almost knocking me on my ass.

“Matt, you’re frigging wasted,” I said, pushing him back against the bar to steady him. How on earth had he remembered where I’d be tonight given the condition he was in? I maneuvered a barstool behind him and settled him onto it. He sat unsteadily and held the bar railing for support.

“What the hell have you been doing? Well, that’s a stupid question.”

“Sarah,” he said. “It’s Sarah. She’s got a new boyfriend. I saw her. At the Kap house. Kissing him. I’m so drunk. Fuckin’ tequila.”

“Uh, yeah, I can see that.”

This was not good. He must have had a hell of a lot in a short time to get this drunk so quickly. He teetered, and I had visions of him falling sideways like a sack of potatoes. I propped my foot up on the crossbar of his stool to trap his leg and stop him from sliding off the seat and grabbed his shoulders firmly. Jesus, how was I going to get him home? I’d have to get him into a cab, but I was going to need help.

He fell forward, his head hitting my shoulder, and then he wrapped his arms around my waist. I couldn’t figure out if he was seeking comfort or hanging on for dear life. I tried to push him upright, but he was dead weight.

“Matt,” I said, putting my arms on his shoulders. “Can you sit up? You’re going to knock me over.”

Please don’t puke on me
, I silently begged. He mumbled and buried his head in my neck.

“What’s that?” I said, trying to make sense of what he was saying.

“She’s so over me,” he slurred, his voice cracking.

My heart broke for him. I cradled his head on my shoulder and stroked his hair, rubbing his back with my other hand.

“Oh, Matt. I’m so sorry.”

He clutched me more tightly and mumbled into my neck. I couldn’t understand what he was saying. It didn’t matter. He needed comfort, and I tried to do my best to provide it. The door flew open again and more cold air rushed in. I braced myself, using Matt’s body to shield myself from the arctic blast.

Why wasn’t the damn door closing?

I looked over my shoulder in irritation, hoping to send a message to the dink providing off-season air-conditioning.

And there he was.

Daniel.

He was standing in the open doorway, gaping at me—at Matt and me—a look of complete shock and disgust on his face as he took in the sight before him: Matt’s arms around my waist and his face buried in my neck. My arms around Matt’s neck, my leg hitched up beside his hip, and my body pressed close to his. Taking two unsteady steps backward, Daniel shook his head. And then he was gone.

“No, Daniel! Wait!” I called.

I was trapped in a bad dream. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t. Everything was going in slow motion. I dared not let go of Matt, but I had to. I had to reach Daniel. I had to stop him and explain that what he’d seen was not at all what he
thought
he’d seen.

I turned to the guy standing beside me at the bar.

“Excuse me, can you do me a favor? Make sure my friend doesn’t fall over?” I begged, removing Matt’s arms from my waist and untangling my legs from his.

The stranger at the bar looked at me like my hair was on fire, but as I stepped away and Matt started to topple, he grabbed Matt and leaned him up against the bar. I didn’t stick around to see what happened next, instead running out the door. Daniel was a half a block away, striding purposefully to his car.

I ran after him and called his name, but he didn’t hesitate or turn around. Instead he climbed into the car and left, careening around a corner, tires screeching as he sped away into the dark night.

Daniel

Chapter 24

Confusion

I am out of breath;
Confusion’s near; I cannot speak.
(
Coriolanus
, Act III, Scene 1)

I S
PED
A
WAY
F
ROM
T
HE
M
ADISON
H
OUSE
in a fury. If I’d stuck around, I wouldn’t have been able control myself. I’d never felt such an overwhelming desire to hurt someone in my whole life, but I had to avoid making a scene. How the hell would I explain punching Matt Miller in the face? My hands shook as I clung to the steering wheel.

Driving blindly, I somehow arrived home alive, a scorching ball of jealousy churning in my gut and a horrible feeling spreading through my chest. This was not heartache. An ache is a dull pain, and there was nothing dull about this; shards of glass were being repeatedly thrust into my heart, twisted, and then violently pulled out. By the time I reached my condo, my breathing was labored and I realized with horror that I was on the cusp of another anxiety attack.