The Weight of Destiny (12 page)

Out of nowhere, I wonder what Ryder would think of them. If he would like Hailey’s platinum hair or Jamie’s exotic look. It’s never been something I’ve worried about before, but I suddenly feel very plain.

Ugh. Stop it, Lu. You don’t care about things like that.

“Did you turn in the proposal I gave you to the principal about installing new showerheads in the locker rooms? Fixing them over and over doesn’t seem to work.”

“Of course.” Jamie wrinkles her nose as if to say,
duh,
and I realize she’s right. Neither of them has ever dropped the ball on something so important. I don’t know why I even asked.

“That’s enough about that.” Hailey moves into a sitting position so the three of us are facing each other. “No talking about school tonight—at least not traditional school things. This is our senior year. We should be having more fun than we are. It’s not like the three of us can’t keep up our school activities and have more of a social life.”

They look at me, and I know that
the three of us
really means
me
.

Again, Ryder climbs into my thoughts.
Go away, go away, go away.

“Yeah, for once let’s pretend to be normal seventeen-year-old girls.” Jamie winks.

The word
normal
echoes, my inner voice repeating it over and over as if I’m standing in the middle of nowhere. “Caring about showers is normal.”

“You know what she means, Lu.” Hailey sets her hand on my leg. “So…Mike? Have you put any more thought into him? Homecoming is next month…Everyone knows the two of you will probably win king and queen anyway…”

“Juan totally asked her!” Jamie blurts out, and Hailey slaps her arm. “I can’t help it! It just happened today.”

Juan is Mike’s best friend. I see where she’s going with this now, and an uncomfortable twist turns my stomach. We go to all the dances because we help plan most of them. We’ve always had a rule for dances—either we all go with a date, or we all go alone. “What did you say?”

“I told him I’d get back to him.” She glances down. Hailey wants to go with him. That much is obvious.

“What about you?” I take in Jamie next, but she’s already shaking her head.

“No one has asked yet.”

“Rumor has it that Danny is asking her, though. It’s still early. I’m surprised Juan already asked me.”

And, of course, Danny is close with Juan and Mike as well. I’m seeing a pattern here. “You guys should totally go.” I mean that. It is our senior year, and I don’t want them to miss out.

“It’s not like Mike isn’t going to ask you. We’ll all go together.”

The twist is back, tying my belly into knots. Ryder isn’t the kind of boy to go to a dance with me. I don’t even know if I want him to, or if I
should
want him to.

I have a feeling kissing like we have isn’t a huge deal to him. I know he’s done more. He doesn’t have to tell me that for me to know it.

In a month’s time, I’m sure he’ll be done with me—or I’ll be done with him. It’s not like either of us is looking for that high school sweetheart you see in all the books and movies.

But the thought of going with Mike feels wrong.

I shake my head. “He hasn’t asked. He might not.”

“He will.” Hailey looks confused, as if this is a no-brainer.

“You don’t want to go with him?” Jamie asks.

I have two choices here. I can lie to them or tell them the truth. As dishonest as I’ve been lately, I’m not really a liar. I despise lying. There’s never been a time that I lied to my best friends. Not telling them about Mom isn’t a lie, really. It’s just keeping some things for myself.

My shoulders lift and fall in a shrug. “There’s sort of this guy…”

“Oh my God!” Jamie shouts.

“It’s not serious!” I grab both their wrists so they don’t start dancing around and celebrating something that isn’t real. “He goes to a different school. We just sort of met, and like I said, it’s not a big deal. You guys know I’ve always said I refuse to get serious about anyone until after college. It feels weird to think about someone else, though, ya know? Honestly, there’s a possibility we won’t even be talking by the time Homecoming comes around.”

An unpleasant shiver shakes my insides.

“What does he look like?”

“What’s his name?”

“Where did you meet?” They start rapid-firing questions at me in a pace that takes my breath away, let alone allows me to answer them. “Umm…” This should not feel as totally weird as it does. We’ve never really done this before, though. Yeah, we’ve dated, but none of us have ever really been crazy about boys. “One of his eyes is blue and the other is part blue and part brown. And Ryder.”

“
Ride her
?” Jamie giggles. “What does that mean? I mean, besides the obvious.”

“What!” This time it’s my turn to hit her with the pillow. “Not
ride her
. His name. It’s Ryder.”

“What school does he go to? What about college? I bet he’s going to Stanford next year, too, and
you,
the one of us who is the most anti-boy, will fall in love and go off to college with your boyfriend at the end of the year.” Hailey looks like she’s floating and I wonder why I didn’t realize there’s a closet romantic in her.

Once the thought settles in, something else hits me. Does Ryder want to go to college? Does he know where he’s going? What does he want to do with his life? I don’t really know much about him at all…so why does it feel like I do? Maybe more importantly, why am I not losing it over that?

“That isn’t even close to a possibility.” I shrug. “And I wouldn’t want it to be, either.” I don’t even know if Ryder
wants
to go to college. He’s not the type of boy who would be what Hailey just described, though, and I’m not that girl, either. “Let’s go get some chips and dip now.”

Jamie and Hailey share a look I don’t understand. Thankfully, they drop the subject. We go downstairs and pig out again. Dad teases us, and Jamie asks him what kind of cases he’s working on.

Afterward, we head back upstairs, watch a movie and then talk and laugh some more. Every time they toss more Ryder questions at me, I deflect them.

A couple hours later, my friends are asleep on an air mattress on my floor.

My eyes haven’t closed except to blink. My stomach is heavy. My whole body is.

Without letting myself think, I grab my phone and listen to the voicemail from earlier.

Virginia… It’s Mom. I guess you know that, right? You can’t keep doing this, kiddo. You can’t keep ignoring me, and…and you can’t keep hating me. I know it wasn’t always easy on you. I also know all of that isn’t something I can blame on my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know I’ve never really been the kind of mom you need, but I do love you. I’ve always loved you.

“I love you, too,” I whisper.

With tears in my eyes, I delete the message.

There once was a girl named Guilt…

CHAPTER TWENTY

~Ryder~

“Can you drop me off in Cliffton again?” I ask Shane.

It’s Saturday afternoon and we were going out to get food. Virginia texted me to see if I want to go over and do homework. Home-fucking-work. On a Saturday. Who does that? And more importantly, why do I want to go?

“You got gas money, Romeo?” he replies.

“Funny.”

“Do you want my car? It’s not like I ever drive it.” Tanner leans forward from the backseat.

“You’re so screwed up.” I glance back at him. “Who the hell gets a brand new Beamer and doesn’t drive it?” I get it though. His parents want him to be someone he’s not. They want him to be the kind of guy who wants to go to the private schools they like. Taking the car means he’s willing to be that person.

“Take him to Cliffton. I have cash.” Tanner leans back again.

“No. You’re not paying for my shit. I have a few bucks. We’re good.” I toss a handful of crumpled-up bills at Shane. Luke doesn’t let me have much money. Not that he has very much. But he’s scared of what I’ll spend it on. I’m surprised he even left me that. Probably a peace offering after the other day. We haven’t talked since.

Drea’s quiet, playing with the bracelet on her wrist as we drive. I’ve never seen it before, and briefly, I wonder where she got it.

I give Shane directions to Virginia’s house. Her dad is apparently off meeting with a client. I don’t know what he does, and I’m not sure I want to.

When we pull up out front, all of my friends are silent.

“Holy shit. You’re screwing someone who lives in
that
house?” Shane sounds in awe.

“I’m not having sex with her.” I reach around Drea and shove him. “And shut up. Don’t bring it up again.”

Reaching for the handle, I open it. It was stupid of me to bring them here. It’s not like they’ll understand. I don’t even understand what’s going on.

A hand on my arm stops me as I’m halfway out of the car. I turn to look at Drea. “What are you doing, Ry? You don’t belong in there. You don’t
want
to belong in there.”

Her words bounce around my head. She’s right. I don’t belong here. I know it, she knows it, Virginia knows it. Everyone in the car does, too. Virginia will always belong here, and I never will. That’s just the way life is.

It’s the other part that makes my hand start to tremble on the door handle, because for the first time in my life, a feeling I’m not familiar with comes out of hiding. I think I might want to belong in a place like this. Or at least be accepted here. Because I never would be. Drea’s reaction proves that. There isn’t a question in my mind that Virginia’s parents would freak if they met me.

I know she has an expensive-looking vase on a table behind the door. A glass cabinet full of expensive china. Those aren’t the only things I eyed. I’m my dad after all.

“Just havin’ a little fun, Dre.” After I finish sliding out of the car, I wink at her. “You guys partying tonight?”

“Yep. Bonfire. You going?” Cody asks. He doesn’t typically talk much unless it’s to answer a question or speak to Tanner, so I’m sort of surprised.

“Yeah. I’ll make it out.” With each step I take away from the car, I try to shove my thoughts out of my head. There has never been a time in my life I wanted more than I have, and there’s no reason to start now. Luke’s the one who turned his back on who we are. Not me.

As soon as I make it to the door, it’s opening. Virginia is standing there in a pair of nice blue jeans and a sweatshirt. I like that about her. Most rich girls I’ve seen always dress the part, but she seems like she goes more for comfort.

“Wanted to make out with me again?” I lean against the doorjamb and cross my arms.

She rolls her eyes. “Wanted to do
homework
with you again.”

“Excuse.” I step closer, put my finger under her chin and tilt her head up. My lips touch hers, and I don’t rush this time. Just give her a few closed-mouth kisses before I taste her. There’s mint on her tongue, like she just brushed her teeth, mixing with her ocean scent.

A thought slams into my brain, making me jerk back. “Fuck. Your dad already left, right?” The last thing I want is an angry, rich father after me.

Virginia laughs. “Of course. I wouldn’t have invited you over if he was still here.”

Oh. I step back. It’s not something I didn’t know. Just a minute ago the thought went through my head, but it’s different hearing it from her lips.

“No.” Her expressive, green eyes go wide. “That’s not what I meant.”

But it is. “Yeah, it was. But it’s cool.” Shrugging my shoulders, I try to step around her. Virginia touches my arm, and that’s all it takes for me to stop.

“It’s not. I’m not like that. I’ve gone out with boys before, and I’ve never introduced any of them to my father. The only ones he’s met are guys I’ve gone to a dance with, because he sort of
has
to meet them. It’s not
you
.
I just don’t do that. Introduce a guy to my family.”

For some reason, I’m not sure that makes me feel any better. “It’s cool.”

Her hand slides down my arm, one of her fingers latching with mine. She won’t look at me, though. “I want you here. That’s a big thing for me to admit. I had a hard night last night. I couldn’t concentrate today when I really needed to.”

It’s like what she said last time I came over, I think. When she needed to do her work to clear her head. I think it levels her—gives her stability she needs, for some reason. It doesn’t make sense why she would call me here for that. It has to be easier without me, but I’m not going to argue with her about it, because the truth is I want to be here as well.

“Come on.” I don’t let go of her hand. She uses the other one to close the door before I lead her up the stairs. My feet follow the same path from the other day as I walk to her bedroom.

When we get there, our hands part. She closes the door and I kick out of my shoes. She’s not wearing any. It’s me who sits on her bed first, but Virginia is right behind me. She already has her books out, but she lifts the small table to her lap as she settles in.

“What about you?” she asks.

“Don’t have it with me. I’ll watch.”

“Oh, we don’t have to, then. We can go get yours and—”

“Just work, Virginia. It’s okay.”

So she does. She starts writing out problems and finding their answers. I lie down beside her and watch her work—watch the lines of concentration in her forehead. Watch her little frowns as she solves a problem. Watch when she chews her nail, which shocks me. It’s something I bet she only does when she’s lost in work, because I can tell they’re manicured.

She keeps busy for over an hour without speaking, and I let her do her thing. At one point, she pushes the sleeves of her sweatshirt up. I reach out and let my fingers brush up and down her arm. She flinches, but then relaxes…and doesn’t pull away.

“I don’t want to distract you,” I tell her.

“You’re okay…”

So I don’t stop touching her. Her skin is warm and soft. I’m not sure why there’s the need to feel her all the time; maybe it’s because I’m not sure why she’s really here with me. I brush her arm and watch the little hairs there stand. I push a lock of hair behind her ear. My finger rubs the round diamond in her lobe, which I have no doubt is real. When she smiles, I touch her dimple and she shivers. Okay, that’s probably too much, so I drop my hand to her arm again, this time just resting it there. Just touching. I didn’t realize I needed this kind of contact before her.