The Wedding (20 page)

We go home and see what happens, I guess, she said honestly. I suppose I ought to say something to Brandon. There was no avoiding it now. In some ways, she felt she owed it to him to tell him what had happened. Seeing Jeff again had made her realize she couldn't remain completely silent.

You're going to tell him about us? Jeff looked shocked.

Maybe. She hadn't thought it out yet. Maybe all I need to say is that it worries me that I can be so attracted to someone else. It certainly says something about what's missing with Brandon.

Frankly, I think you ought to keep it to yourself. See how you feel about him, what you want, and what you're not getting, then draw your own conclusions. It seemed like a lot to worry about, and they were both tired of thinking about it. Instead, their conversation turned to other things; his new book, his next movie contract. He had picked up some suggestions that night from Jason, all of which had been instigated by Allegra.

Jeff was excited about starting a new book, and less so about finishing his screenplay. He was planning to settle down in Malibu and get to work as soon as he got back. He had no plans at all for the weekend.

What about you? he asked her with interest, as the fire crackled and they both got sleepy. It was warm and cozy in the little room, and Jeff smiled at how pleasant it was to see her there. His mother's apartment always seemed so stern to him. It was lovely to see Allegra tucked into the couch now beside him.

I've got to get organized for next week. She had to negotiate Carmen's new movie, and she wanted to talk Alan into a new deal. There were a lot of large and small projects she had to attend to. She couldn't even imagine what had been dumped on her desk while she was gone. I guess I'll work Saturday, maybe have dinner with my parents that night, and then see Brandon on Sunday.

That's it? He looked surprised. Won't he join you at your parents' on Saturday night? He looked shocked when she shook her head. Will he pick you up at the airport?

He can't, he's in trial. He says he needs to work till at least Sunday. And he doesn't want me to distract him.

He raised an eyebrow then, and took another sip of wine. I'd love for you to distract me, Allegra. He smiled. Call me if you get lonely. But he said nothing else, and after that, neither of them mentioned Brandon.

They sat there together on the couch for a long time, and they behaved surprisingly well, until he went out to get some ice in the kitchen. She followed him there, and everything was immaculate and pristine. His mother was meticulous, and her housekeeper had been cleaning up behind Jeff all week. But when he put the ice down on the sink and looked at her, he couldn't stop himself, he took one long stride toward her and held her. He felt her trembling in his arms, her legs against his, and his whole body seemed to melt against her. Oh, God, Allegra ' I don't know how you do this to me. ' There had been countless women in his life, but none who did to him what she did. Perhaps it was knowing that he couldn't have her yet, perhaps never would there was something unbearably bittersweet about the longing they felt for each other. Her lips found his, and a moment later she was leaning against the wall, and he was holding her as he pressed hard against her. But she didn't object. She wanted him. But he was forbidden fruit. She knew she couldn't have him.

I think we should stop, she said distractedly, sounding hoarse as he ground slowly against her and she matched his movements. Her face was warm, and her neck, and he had his hands cupped around her breasts as he kissed her.

I'm not sure I can stand this ' he said, groaning, as he tried to make himself stop, but for just a moment more, he couldn't. And then, finally, slowly, painfully, he brought himself back to his senses. It was an excruciating effort, but he did it for her, because he believed that this was what she wanted. But their lips still met, and her hand drifted slowly down his leg, and was sweet torture.

I'm sorry, she said hoarsely.

So am I, he said, wanting to take her there on the kitchen floor, on the couch, the table, anywhere, in the silence of his mother's apartment. I'm not sure how many times I can do this again.

Maybe we won't have to, she said sadly. I'll meet you at Spago for lunch in L.A. We won't be able to do anything there but talk.

How disappointing. I kind of like this, he teased her, touched her breast tantalizingly again, and then kissed her.

We're torturing each other, she said unhappily. Somehow, it all seemed so stupid, and she couldn't help wondering if Brandon would have been as honorable about his obligations to her in a similar situation.

It's kind of fun, Jeff said with a lopsided grin, trying to make the best of it, in a perverted way. I wouldn't want to do a lot of this though, he said, looking her square in the eye, and she wondered if it was a warning.

He showed her his room, a somber, masculine room, with striped green curtains and lots of dark English antiques, and they managed to stay out of bed, which seemed miraculous to both of them, and they laughed about it as he showed her the rest of the apartment. And he took her back to the hotel a little while after midnight. He rode upstairs with her, and this time he came in. There was a little sitting area, and he sat on the couch and she showed him his book. She had stood it up again so she could look at his picture.

We're both crazy, you know. I'm chasing after you like a kid, and you're looking at my picture. It had been a strange week for both of them, and in an odd way it was like they had been on a cruise. They were far from their everyday lives and their daily obligations. It remained to be seen what would happen once they got home. Right now, it was hard to imagine.

Jeff stayed for a little while. But they'd had all they wanted to drink, said everything they could, there was nothing to do now except say good-bye, for a while at least, or never say it again. That point had come to them very quickly. It had happened to them faster than most, but the time had come to do or die, to let go and flee, or seize the moment. And yet, whatever path they chose, they knew it would be painful.

It took every effort he could make to finally stand up, and he stood for a long time, looking down at her, and then he held her. He wanted to stay with her, and take care of her, and be there for her, but he knew he couldn't.

Promise you'll call me if you need anything. You don't have to do anything for me, you don't have to end it with him if that's not what you want to do, just call me if you need me.

I will. You too, she said sadly. It felt like goodbye, and neither of them was sure what this would be yet, perhaps nothing at all except a memory of a few snowy days in New York, and a ride in a hansom carriage at midnight.

I'll call you when I get my first death threat, he grinned. Take care of yourself, he warned. She walked him to the door, and then he held her again, and closed his eyes as he felt her hair on his cheek and smelled her perfume. Oh, God, I'm going to miss you.

Me too. She wasn't even sure what she was doing. Nothing made sense anymore. She was trying to do the right thing, and instead, everything she did seemed so stupid.

I'll call, just to see how you're doing. He was going to give her a few days to settle in, and then call her in the office.

And then suddenly there were no words, they just held each other and kissed, and finally he left, and when he did, she sat down on the bed and cried, she already missed him. The phone rang shortly after that, but she didn't pick it up. She was too afraid it would be Brandon.

The next day was a mad rush for her. She had two last appointments downtown, and she was on a six o'clock plane, which meant she had to leave the city by four, possibly even earlier if the weather was bad, and because of the Friday traffic. She called Andreas Weissman to say good-bye, and thank him for all his help that week, and both of his extremely hospitable invitations. He assured her that it had been a pleasure to have her, promised to call if he came to L.A., and thanked her for her work with Jason.

She packed in a huge hurry at three o'clock, after a late lunch, and then in a rush of guilt and panic, she decided to call Brandon. She hadn't talked to him in days, and she was beginning to feel awkward about it. But at least, as a rule, he was never jealous, and he hadn't seemed worried about what she was doing in New York. He knew she was working. And she had been. But there had been Jeff. And she was still wondering if her life would ever go back to normal. Jeff had called her that morning when she got up, and just hearing him had brought tears to her eyes. He had just wanted to tell her he was thinking about her, and he didn't say it, but she could tell he was in bed, and thinking about it had haunted her all morning.

When she called Brandon's office, his machine was on, and she pressed the appropriate button to summon up his assistant. Allegra asked if he was in court, and was surprised to hear from his assistant that he wasn't.

Isn't he in trial? Was something wrong?

They pleaded it out this morning.

How great for him. Is he pleased?

Very much so, his assistant, whom Allegra didn't like, said dryly.

Tell him I'll see him tonight then. If he wants to meet me, I'm coming in on United 412. We land at nine-fifteen. I'll be home by ten o'clock if he can't make it.

He can't. He's catching a four o'clock to San Francisco.

He is. Why?

To see his family, I assume, she said nastily, and for a moment Allegra thought about it. He had gone the previous weekend, and he knew she was coming home that night. But not having spoken to him in two days, she didn't know if one of the girls had a problem.

Just tell him I called, Allegra said curtly. I'll be home by ten. He can call me.

Yes, ma'am, she said with obvious sarcasm. Allegra had complained to Brandon about her before, but he said she was a great secretary and he liked her.

Allegra thought about it for a minute after she hung up the phone. He had finished the trial. He was free for the weekend. He was going to San Francisco. He had told her that he couldn't see her till Sunday anyway, so maybe he thought she had made other plans, or maybe he was going to ask her to fly up as soon as she got home, probably on Saturday. But what was the point of that? That would just be exhausting. And as she thought about it, she had a great idea. She called the airlines, and asked if they had a seat on a flight to San Francisco. She knew where he stayed, she could meet him there. What a great idea ' she could surprise him!

They had a flight at five fifty-three, just seven minutes before she had been scheduled to take off for L.A. She knew she could make it. They had a seat in first class for her, the only seat left on the plane, and she grabbed it. It was worth it just to see him. She really needed to see him now, after all the insanity she'd gone through with Jeff for the past four days. Maybe it had all been a romantic illusion. Brandon represented solidity to her, and time, and history. They had been together for two years. She had seen him through his entire separation. She loved his kids, and they loved her. She and Brandon had a life together. What she and Jeff had was a flash of something magical. It happened sometimes, but you couldn't build a life on it, she told herself firmly as she called the porter for her bags.

She hadn't called Jeff to say good-bye. She knew he had left on an earlier flight, and enough had been said between them. It was time to let go now, and see what was there if they ever met again. But she was not going to jeopardize her future with Brandon, and she was glad that things with Jeff had gone no further. It would have been wrong of her, and she felt guilty enough about it now. But she had decided not to say anything to Brandon. It would only hurt him. She smiled to herself then, thinking how pleased he would be to see her, and how happy she would be to see him. She thought about leaving a message at the office for him, to tell him that she had changed her plans, and then she decided that it would be more fun to surprise him.

She checked out of the hotel, and got into the waiting limousine. The ride to the airport was New York rush hour traffic at its worst, and she barely made it. She had to change her ticket, and check her bag through, and she boarded the plane with one minute to spare before they closed the doors. Every seat was full, and most of the flight attendants looked as though they were in bad humor. It was the end of the week, everyone was tired, the plane was too full. They were half an hour late taking off because of bad weather, and it was stuffy and hot in the plane, and the movie broke in coach, which made everyone crabby.

She took Jeff's book out during the flight, and turned it over several times to look at him. There was something so haunting about his eyes, so familiar about his lips, he looked as though he were going to say something to her, or move. He was leaning up against a brick building. It was a great photograph, and she finally put the book away in her briefcase.

When they finally arrived in San Francisco, they had to wait on the runway for forty-five minutes for a gate. It was eleven o'clock local time, two hours later than they were supposed to arrive, and everyone looked frazzled and exhausted. It was a typical modern-day flight, the food had been bad, the flight uncomfortable, there were endless delays, and the people leaving the flight all looked disgruntled. Welcome to New Age travel.

She walked to the carousel, and despite the aggravations of the trip, there was something fun about being there unexpectedly. It was like sharing a giant secret. She wasn't going home to a dirty house and unread mail. She didn't have to unpack, or take her clothes to the cleaners. She couldn't go into the office on Saturday. It was like a little extra gift. A weekend with Brandon in San Francisco, and right now it was just what they needed, more than he knew, or would ever need to know. But Allegra was thrilled that she'd done this.