The Way You Are (9 page)

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The Way You Are ©Copyright Matthew Lang, 2013

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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Released in the United States of America

January 2013

eBook Edition

eBook ISBN: 978-1-62380-272-1

{1}
Slang for “derelict.” The original word might have been wittier, but “derelict” has far too many syllables to make a good insult, and besides, Aussies are lazy. If they weren’t, they’d call themselves Australians and throw a shrimp on the barbecue rather than on the “barbie.”

{2}
The term
“Bogan” refers to someone considered less cultured, less intelligent, and typically more rural than the person using the insult. It’s what the British would call Australians if they ever tired of the word “convict.” For Americans, the best translation would be “trailer trash” or anyone from Jersey Shore. It should be noted that there is a town in New South Wales called Bogan, but the population is silent as to whether any Bogans actually live there.

{3}
Short for Utility Vehicle. Known as a “pickup truck” or simply “pickup” in America, Aussies decided to use their own slang because no one wanted to make the effort of pronouncing the extra syllable.

{4}
Interestingly this phrase was never used to refer to the locals who went to the University. Whether that says more about the locals or the students using the phrase is a question best left to individual judgement.

{5}
Put two random rabbits into a box. The theory goes that until you open the box, the number of rabbits inside the box is both two and greater than two at the same time. Students who pointed out that the actual state should also include less than two depending on how large the box was, whether there were air holes, whether food and water were also included, and the length of time the box was left for, were promptly ridiculed as “overly intellectual” and lynched by PETA for clearly putting too much thought into the analogy.

{6}
The notion that the indigenous Australian people, who had lived in harmony with the harsh environment of Australia for untold centuries, somehow counted as “human” didn’t really become fashionable until 1967.

{7}
Another example of Australian slang. Politely this translates to “back of beyond” and less politely to “bum-fuck nowhere,” but probably with less bum and more sheep. At least, according to the Kiwis across the pond, but they’re just deflecting, really.

{8}
Vanessa Strangetooth, 20, student of cosmetic dentistry who possessed a perfect smile, obviously.

{9}
A Giffen good is a rare product that people buy more of as its price increases, the traditional example being potatoes during the Irish potato famine. Of course, a more modern example would be Apple’s latest iPhone or One Direction concert tickets.

{10}
Except for that one time, which does not get talked about.

{11}
Leon’s room also contained three glasses, two mugs—one of them half-full of cold tea—four pairs of clean underwear, eight pairs of used underwear, including one extra-large that did not belong to him, ten gigabytes of porn, and one family photo hidden in a frame beneath a beach picnic snap of him and Krissy. Additionally, there was also a huntsman spider in the corner, but Leon didn’t notice it for another four days.

{12}
Shaping, or “throttling,” is an Australian invention designed to prevent customers being outraged after going over their internet usage limits and being charged per megabyte downloaded over their contracted amount. Essentially your fancy broadband connection gets slowed down to dial-up speeds, and you are gently reminded to pay more money for a better plan, or that you really shouldn’t be watching so much internet porn. Or both.

{13}
Reports suggest that the average chocolate bar contains about six insect fragments, typically legs. Some contain up to thirty, depending on brand. Chocolate syrup tends to have fewer insect particles, but Leon was unfortunate enough to get three in his one serving of iced chocolate. And a fourth from the commercial ice cream.

{14}
Leaving one cockroach fragment to be flushed down the sink by an industrial dishwasher.

{15}
When Leon had first seen this word written down, he’d pronounced it “whores devours.” After sending him to the principal’s office, his English teacher, an old lady in her seventies, had needed to go and have a bit of a lie down.

{16}
To be fair, this can equally apply to gay boys as straight boys, even if the gay boys would like to have you think that particular stereotype does not apply to them.

{17}
A non-classy way of very classily not mentioning that you’re buying alcohol—just bottles which may or may not contain alcohol. Short for “Bottle Shop,” the term came about from the Australian tendency to think everything reads better with an “o” on the end. Thus “Wayne-O,” “Jonno,” “Steve-O,” the drink Milo, and the insult “drongo,” just to name a few. Linguists are still wondering why “Vegemite-o” never took off, or possibly “Veg-o,” but learned very quickly not to come between an Aussie and his or her Vegemite.

{18}
Unlike other bars, the Bar on the Hill is very aptly named, being situated on an actual hill. In contrast, the Owl and the Pussycat does not have an owl or a pussycat on premises, let alone both. Priscilla’s similarly is not owned by, nor features, a Priscilla on staff—or in drag. And the less said about King Armadillo, the better.