The Wandering Caravan (13 page)

Cortland shook his head. “No.”

“Good.” I couldn’t afford to lose him either.

We arrived at the apartment then left the car without saying goodbye. I didn’t touch Janice as we walked inside. I immediately threw blankets and pillows on the couch. There was no way I was sleeping with Janice tonight.

Janice watched me from the doorway to our bedroom. “You said we sleep together no matter what happens…”

“Well, I lied,” I snapped. I pulled my clothes off then lay down.

She approached the couch then looked down at me. I didn’t meet her gaze. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Just go to bed.”

“I want you to know I feel horrible for hurting you.”

Her words touched my heart. “I know…”

She stepped away. “I love you.”

Silence stretched between us. “I love you too.”

I didn’t speak to Janice for the next three days. I woke up early every morning to avoid her then stayed out late every night.
She texted me and checked in to see if I was okay. I always responded but my messages were short. She was smart and never called me.

I met Cortland at a bar when we both got off work.

I felt alone in the world. Scarlet was always the person I turned to for everything, but now she wasn’t around. Cortland sat beside me and didn’t say anything. But his presence was enough to numb the pain. At least there was one person in my life I could rely on.

“So…how are things?” Cortland asked.

I shrugged. “The shop is busy. I have more business than I did in Seattle.”

“I meant with Janice.”

“Oh.” I sipped my beer. “We haven’t talked.”

Cortland rubbed his fingers over the condensation of the glass. “Can I say something?”

“It doesn’t sound like I have any control over that.”

“Don’t throw Janice away over this, man. She’s perfect for you.”

He was telling me something I already knew. “I know…I won’t let her go.”

“Then you shouldn’t shut her out like this.”

“I realize she didn’t do anything wrong. I get it. And it would be incredibly hypocritical for me to judge her for her actions. I’m not any different than she is. And that’s why we mesh together so well.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“She just reminds me of Scarlet…they’re best friends.”

Cortland nodded. “I can understand that.”

“I just…I can’t believe Scarlet. I want to push away everything that reminds me of her…including Janice.”

“I think three days is enough. You should make it right when you go home. Hopefully, she’s still there…”

That practically gave me a heart attack. I knew I was being childish. Janice didn’t do anything wrong, and she needed to know I loved her with my whole heart. “Thanks, man.”

“Yeah.” He watched the TV and sipped his beer. “I don’t think you should throw away Scarlet either—”

“Don’t go there.”

Cortland fell silent.

“How could she not tell me? That’s just…wrong. If I knew Sean slept with Janice and Scarlet had no idea, I’d tell her in a heartbeat. She would have the right to know. I just can’t believe she didn’t put me first…”

“I think Scarlet had your best interest at
heart,” Cortland said. “She sees how happy you are with Janice and she didn’t want to risk that relationship. And honestly, does knowing the truth make anything better? Wouldn’t you have rather not known? Now your relationship with Sean will always be awkward. You’ll never be close. You’ll never be brothers.”

“You’re my brother.”

Cortland nodded. “It doesn’t hurt to have another.”

“Monnique still doesn’t know, does she?”

Cortland held his silence for a moment. “No…”

“You should tell her before she finds out some other way. Believe me, if Janice just told me from the beginning it would have been a lot easier. Sean and I could have worked it out and moved on. But now, the previous relationship we had is tarnished and we’ll never get that back. That’s my advice.”

Cortland sighed. “Yeah…Monnique is more emotional than the other girls. I really don’t know if she’d be able to forgive me.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Monnique wasn’t in your life.”

He shrugged. “It’ll still kill her.”

“Well, she has the right to know. Do the right thing.”

Cortland nodded. “Okay.”

I finished my beer then put my money on the table.

“You should go to your girl. You’re lucky she’s put up with your absence for three days.”

“I know.”

When I came home, Janice was sitting at the kitchen table. Judging by the surprised look on her face, she wasn’t expecting me to come home so early. I scooped her in my arms then carried her to the bedroom.

Her arms hooked around my neck and she smiled at me, tears deep in her eyes.

I peeled her clothes off while I kissed her unveiled skin. I tasted her everywhere, worshipping her body like I usually did. I kissed her inner thighs then pulled my clothes off. When we were both naked, I crawled on top of her and slipped inside her.

As soon as we were connected, we both gasped and moved together. Janice dug her nails into my back and rocked hard from below, wanting more than I was already giving her.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered to me.

“Don’t apologize.” I kissed her while I moved into her.

We were so desperate for one another, neither one us lasted long. She and I lost
ourselves in each other at the same time, our pleasured sighs echoing in the room. I stayed inside her when I was finished and kissed her neck.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too.”

“I was so scared…”

“I’m sorry. I was just going through a hard time and needed my space. Thanks for putting up with me.”

“You aren’t mad at me?” she asked quietly.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

She breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I was surprised by the revelation. I was not expecting that.”

“It was meaningless
. It lasted five minutes and we never spoke of it again. Sean and I are friends and it’s never been awkward between us. And Scarlet doesn’t treat us differently because of it.”

I hated hearing her name. “Well, I’m not upset with you.”

She looked relieved.

“And I’m never going to talk to Sean again so it doesn’t
matter anyway. At least I got a good punch in.”

Janice’s eyes fell in sadness. “Ryan, Scarlet was just trying to do what’s best for you.”

“I’m done talking about this.”

“Don’t tear her out of your life,” she said fir
mly. “Without Ryan, there is no Scarlet. Without Scarlet, there is no Ryan. She’s my best friend. I don’t want to lose her.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Ryan, please—”

“She shouldn’t have told you to hide it from
me. That’s not what real families do. She should have told me immediately. But she didn’t. She lied to me. And I can’t let that go. I went through hell to protect her and raise her, and she acts like that meant nothing. She’ll never know how much pain I was in or how scared I was. I could have left that house but I didn’t. I risked my life for her. I don’t deserve this.”

Janice closed her mouth and kept her silence. She knew I wouldn’t change my mind.

14

Scarlet

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was completely numb. I lost the person I loved most in this world. It was always Ryan and I against everything else. Losing him was losing a part of myself. I couldn’t go on without him.

I hated myself.

Sean held me close as the days passed by. I couldn’t stop crying. It was all I ever did. I heaved and sobbed, wishing the ordeal hadn’t happened. The pain in Ryan’s eyes crushed me. And the words he said…they hurt.

I never meant to hurt him. I was just trying to do what was best for him. If he threw Janice away, I knew he’d regret it when it was too late to get her back. Every morning, I woke up and hoped my reality was just a dream—a nightmare.

Every time I tried to call Ryan, Sean stopped me.

“Give him space, baby.”

I covered my face and stilled my tears. “I miss him…”

“He’s upset right now.
Let him deal with his anger so he’ll be more willing to listen to you later.”

“God, I can’t believe this is happening.”

Sean stayed home from work for the first day and held me in his arms. Without him, I wouldn’t have slept or moved. On day two, he had to get back to work. I lay around the house and did nothing productive. I didn’t work or clean. I just stared at the ceiling, realizing I lost the most amazing person in the world.

Ryan was always there for me, and I didn’t realize how much I took it for granted until now. He was always just a phone call away. It didn’t matter what time it was or where I was. He was always there for me.

And now he was gone.

Sean’s concern for me grew with every passing day. He was afraid to leave me alone. So, he took me to work with him. He packed all my things and drove me to his office. I stared out the window and didn’t pay attention to anything I saw. The fall had slowly turned to winter. It was freezing out, and the snow had fallen.

Sean held my hand the entire time, reminding me he was always there.

When we came into his office, he placed my belongings on the table in front of the couch and helped me sit down.

“I’m sorry I have to work,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” I said. “There’s nothing you can do for me anyway.”

His eyes sagged in despair. Then he kissed me on the forehead. “It’s going to be okay. Ryan will come around. I promise.”

“It’s been weeks…”

“I know. But he’ll come back.”

“How do you know?” I tried not to cry.

“Because I know him. He’s my brother.” He squeezed my hand. “He’ll forgive you in time. He just needs his space right now. And I know Janice will talk some sense into him.”

“I hope so…”

“I know so.” He kissed me then moved to his desk. He filled out his paperwork then checked his emails. The phone kept ringing so he was on the phone most of the time. Unable to focus on my own work, I watched him most of the time. Sean was a different person when he was at work. He was so professional and calm. I’m glad he wasn’t like that at home. When he was with me, he was lively and passionate.

Hours passed and I sat there. I did nothing, just breathed. The windows of his office faced the hallway, and I watched the people walk by. His assistant came in a few times and
got his signature for a few things. I was glad Sean got a male assistant. I didn’t realize how much a woman assistant would bother me until I really thought about it.

Cortland walked down the hallway then entered the office. He flinched when he saw me sitting on the couch. With one look at me, he saw how upset I was. He hadn’t called me in weeks. I knew Ryan was his best friend so I expected him to take his side.

Cortland sat next to me on the couch. “How are you?”

“How do you think?” I whispered.

Sean watched us from his desk but didn’t interfere.

Cortland grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m trying not to pick sides. That’s why you haven’t heard from me.”

“I know…how is he?”

Cortland shrugged. “He’s still pretty upset.”

“Please tell me he worked it out with Janice.”

He nodded. “They were back to normal within a few days. Ryan isn’t mad at her. He knows he has no right to be upset with her. He’d be a huge hypocrite if he was.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god. I’m so glad they worked it out.”

He brushed his thumb over my knuckles. “Me too. But I know Ryan loves her more than anything.
There’s nothing she could ever do that would make him leave.”

I understood the dual meaning. “You think what I did was wrong.”

He sighed. “I’m just surprised you didn’t tell him since you’re so close.”

“Monnique doesn’t know about us,” I snapped. “How is that any different?
”

Cortland looked away. “It’s totally different and you know it is. But I am going to tell her. I just haven’t decided when…”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Please help me get Ryan back.”

“I don’t want to push him away,” Cortland said. “I’m the only friend he has right now. I’m trying not to side either way. But I do want you guys to work this out.”

I pulled away. “How’s his shop?”

“Booming.”

“That’s good.” I tried not to cry. I hadn’t been inside his shop once.

He rubbed my back. “I know you two will work it out. Just give it time. I’ve never seen two siblings love each other so much.”

“God, I hope so.” A tear escaped and fell down my cheek.

Cortland brushed it away. “It’ll be alright.”

“Can you take me to see him?”

“Now?” Cortland asked incredulously.

“Please. I want to talk to him. It’s been weeks.”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Please.”

Cortland looked at Sean. “Can I take her?”

He nodded. “I think he’s had enough space.”

“Okay,” Cortland said. “L
et’s go.”

When we parked outside his shop, I stared at the doors for a long time before I got out. Cortland and I walked inside. Ryan was ringing up a customer and taking the cash. After the guy walked away, Ryan looked up and spotted us. The smile on his face disappeared.

“Get out.”

His words cut through me. “Ryan, please.”

“Get the fuck out.” He slammed his register closed.

I walked to the counter and stared at him. He wouldn’t look at me. “I’m sorry. I’ll tell you I’m sorry every day for the rest of my life. Please don’t do this…”

Cortland leaned against the wall and tried to disappear.

Ryan glared at him. “Why did you bring her here?”

“She asked me to. But I’m staying out of this. I’m not taking sides.”

Ryan still gave him an angry look.

“But I hope you can work this out,” Cortland whispered.

Ryan shook his head then turned back to me. “I just can’t believe you betrayed me like that. I obviously don’t mean shit to you.”

“That’s not true! I just didn’t want to ruin the greatest thing that ever happened to you.”

“I heard you talk to Janice! I heard everything you said. You didn’t want to make it awkward between Sean and I. That’s all you ever cared about.”

“That’s not fair! I was trying to do what’s best for you. You best interest is always in my heart. And look what good came from it. You pushed Janice away, you punched Sean, and you’ve ostracized me. I was right when I told Janice not to tell you. You’re being unreasonable.”

“Get out!” He turned around and walked into the back. “Cortland, get her off my property.”

I started to bawl again.

Cortland gave me a sympathetic look. “Come on.” He put his hand on my lower back then guided me out of the shop. When we were in the car, I sobbed hysterically. I couldn’t see because my vision was so blurry. I didn’t remember anything that happened. I just recognized Sean’s smell when he wrapped his arms around me in his office. I leaned into him, needing him to hold me.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered.

“I love him so much…and he hates me.”

He rubbed my back then guided me to the couch. He took off his jacket then draped it over me. Then, he pulled me onto his chest and ran his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep and stopped crying.

Ryan never returned my phone calls. I left messages but I doubt he ever listened to him. Cortland kept me updated on his life. He told me how the shop was going. I only spoke to Janice when Ryan wasn’t around. She said it was easier that way. She missed me and I missed her.

Weeks passed and Thanksgiving arrived. We invited Cortland and Monnique over. Sean’s mom still hadn’t apologized so we didn’t spend the holiday with them. And I was fine with that. I was too depressed to put up with Diane right now.

The holiday wasn’t the same without Ryan. Everyone knew it. No one laughed for the entire evening. It was just quiet and depressing. And we didn’t talk about Ryan because it was too painful. I called him and wished him a happy holiday, but of course, he didn’t answer.

I sobbed halfway through dinner then barricaded myself in the bedroom. Sean didn’t come after me and let me be. I tried to catch my breath before I showed my face again.

Even though I wasn’t eating, I kept gaining weight. I was normally 115 pounds all the time. That’s been my weight since I was in high school. But now I was almost 130. I didn’t understand what was going on. I knew I wasn’t exercising because I was too upset, but I was still amazed by the weight gain. My metabolism must have slowed down.

Toward the end of December, Sean came home then gave me a big kiss. “How was your day?”

“Shitty like always.”

He gave me a sad look.

I moved to the couch and stared at the Christmas tree. I ha
d gifts for Ryan even though he’d never open them.

Sean sat next to me. “Baby, I want to talk
to you about something.”

“Hmm?”

He grabbed the grocery bag and pulled out a box. “I want you to take another pregnancy test.”

Embarrassed, I hid my face. “Sean, I’m just fat.”

“No, you aren’t,” he said firmly. “I think you should take another.”

“I took two and they were both negative.”

“Maybe they were defective or expired,” he said. “Just take it, okay?”

I grabbed the box and gripped it. “Fine.”

“Thank you.” He stared at me anxiously.

“Now?” I asked.

“Please.”

I sighed then walked into the bathroom. After I peed on the stick, I sat on the toilet seat and waited for the results to come through. Two minutes later, I looked at it, knowing exactly what it would say.

But it was positive.

I stared at it for a long time, trying to wrap my mind around what I was seeing. I read the instructions and made sure I did everything correctly.

I was pregnant.

I didn’t know what to think. I panicked. I got scared. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. What if I turned out just like
my mom? What if I hurt my child? No, I would never do that. But it still scared me.

When I came out of the bathroom, Sean stood up and looked at me. He waited for me to reveal the results.

I nodded. “I’m pregnant.”

His face lit up in a gorgeous smile. His eyes shined
bright with true happiness. The reaction made me feel better. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. “You just made me so happy.”

I clung to him. “I’m scared…”

He pulled away and looked me in the eye. “Why? Scar, I’m going to be here the entire time. Every feeding, every changing—everything. Don’t be scared.”

“It’s not that…”

“Then what?”

“What if I’m a horrible mother?”

He smirked at me. “Not possible. You do a wonderful job taking care of me and I’m practically a child.” That made me smile slightly. “You’re going to be the best mom ever. I’m not worried about that.”

“Really?” I whispered.

“Really.” He pressed his head to mine then placed his hand on my stomach. “So beautiful.”

“You aren’t scared?”

“Do I look scared?” he asked with a cocky smile. “I’m very excited.”

“Is it too soon?”

“No. I’m ready.”

Was I?

“No mother is ever ready for her first child until she has it. When our baby is born, you’ll realize that. You’re going to do great. And I’ll always be here.”

I took a deep breath, finally feeling the joy radiate through me. “Okay. I feel better.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

Then the depression set in. “My baby will never know their uncle
…” A tear fell down my cheek.

Sean stared at me, at a loss of words. “Don’t think about that. This is the greatest moment of our lives. Don’t let anything ruin that.”