The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven (56 page)

  
              I stared at the ceiling fighting back the tears. My mom pulled me to her and hugged me tightly. I laid my head on her shoulder and let the tears fall. She just squeezed me tighter. “Oh mom, I miss them so much,” I wept.

  
              “I know you do,” she said, gently stroking my hair.

  
              “Will it ever stop hurting?”

  
              I felt an intake of breath on her chest. “Eventually,” she exhaled. “It's okay to miss them and its okay to cry, but I don't think they would want you to be sad. They'd want you to cherish the time you've spent together and move on, because Ella, you have to remember you're still here. Even though they're gone, you have to try to go on living.”

  
              “But I can't live without them.”

  
              “Maybe it feels that way now, but soon you’ll see that you can.” I wiped the tears from my face and sat up. “Will you do me a favor?” I nodded and she stood up from the bed, hand held out for me. “Come take a little trip with me.”

  
              “Where?” I asked.

  
              “Just trust your mother,” she smiled.

  
              I took her hand, allowing her to pull me off the bed and out of the room. When we got downstairs she paused. “Wait here a minute.” She walked out to the kitchen, spoke a few words to the guardians, then grabbed her purse and keys, heading for the door. She spoke a few more words to the guardians outside and they stepped aside letting us pass.

  
              “No guardians?” I asked her as we hopped in the car.

  
              “Not today,” she said, squeezing my hand before putting the car in drive. Once we got off the main road it didn't take me long to figure out where we were going. My mom pulled into the gates of the cemetery and drove up the hill. She put the car in park and turned to face me. “Want me to go with you?” she asked.

  
              “No,” I said, letting out a breath. I placed my hand on the handle of the door, pausing to take another breath. I lifted the lever, stepped out of the car, and walked over to Josie's grave. I knelt down and sat Indian style in front of her tombstone. At first I just stared at the giant, granite rock that represented what was left of my friend. I picked at the blades of grass, wondering what I should say. I wanted to tell her I missed her, I'm sorry this happened to her, and if I could I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. I wanted to tell her no one will ever replace her and I'll never find a friend as great as her.

  
              I placed my hand on the ground and spread my fingers wide. I closed my eyes and cleared my head so I could say goodbye to my friend. As I sat there, I started to feel a warm tingling in my hand. The warmth made its way up my arm and through my whole body, spreading like wildfire. It was like the sun was warming me from the inside out. It was soothing, like a gentle caress of a summer breeze. The heat tickled my skin and made me smile. It was like Josie was here with me, wrapping her arms around me in a comforting hug. A tear escaped my eye and slid down my cheek, splashing on my hand. I looked down at the tear and watched it shimmer in the light like a sparkly diamond. It dissolved making my lips twitch into a slight smile.

  
              “I love you too Josie,” I whispered. I closed my eyes, releasing some of my pain and anger. Coming here today and having to face this, accept the truth. It helped give me what I needed to move on. I'm not saying I'm miraculously healed, but part of me is getting there. When I was ready, I stood up, and walked back to the car. Once inside, my mom turned to me with a questioning look. “Thank you,” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Before I could pull away she hugged me, placing a hand ever so lightly on my cheek. She smiled, a smile so sweet and loving it could brighten anyone's day.

  
              Once we got back my dad instantly castigated my mom for leaving the house without any guardians. I was going to step in and say something, but I knew my mom could handle herself. Instead I went up to my room and fell down on my bed. I spotted the pictures on my nightstand and instantly started to feel that warming sensation again. The one I felt not so long ago at Josie's grave. I sat up and decided it was time I got outside. It wasn’t the most glamorous outing, but anything was better than lying around and sulking, staring at the same plain, white ceiling for the next who knows how many hours.

  
              It had gotten considerably warmer since this morning and I thought I’d take advantage while I could. I got up and grabbed my bathing suit out of my dresser and got changed. I grabbed my new journal on the way out, only to stop when I passed my mirror. I decided to throw on a pair of shorts and t-shirt over my bathing suit. I knew eventually they'd find out what I did, but not sure I was quite ready to bare it all, just yet.

*

Liam

Liam paced back and forth in his home office. His face was red and stressed and his eyes were filled with anger. “Jamila, honestly, do you not care about this family's safety?”

                 “How could you ask me that? Of course I do,” she replied, aggravated that he would even ask that.

  
              “Then why did you and Ella leave the house without any guardians?” he spat back.

  
              “Because I care more about our daughter's sanity. She needs to be able to breathe and that's hard to do surrounded by guardians twenty-four seven.”

  
              “It's for her protection. She has been targeted and attacked, something that should have never happened in the first place. We should have never let her go to school so far away. We should have sent guardians with her from the beginning,” he rambled. He went through every possible scenario he thought that could have prevented this tragedy, but they both knew nothing would have changed the outcome. 

  
              “Liam, you know we can't protect her all the time, unfortunately. She's growing up and needs to experience things on her own. I don't think keeping her here or having her guarded all the time would have changed things.” Liam sighed, knowing she was right. “You need to realize that right now Ella is the one suffering more than she should be.”

  
              “I'm doing the best I can,” he snapped. Liam hated the thought of his daughter having to endure what she did this past year. If he could have prevented it in any way he would have. He thought he had. He thought he was doing the right thing by not telling her what she really was, but now he's slowly learning maybe that wasn't the best idea. He scrubbed a hand down his face. If only he had been there, he could have stopped it.

  
              Jamila stood up, closing the distance between them. “You being there wouldn't have stopped it. We've already proven that. You can't blame yourself.” Liam turned to face his wife wondering how she always knew what he was thinking. “I know you Liam. So I will always know what you're thinking,” she said, giving him a small smile. “Outer wounds heal. Inside is where she's hurting the most. She needs time and suffocating her won't help.”

  
              “I know,” he said, bowing his head, feeling defeated. He looked at his wife, her beautiful face, her gorgeous green eyes, just like their daughters, her gracious smile. She was the picture of perfection and always had the ability to calm him when he needed it the most. He took her in his arms and inhaled her sweet scent, letting out a breath and instantly calming. “Just tell me what to do,” he said.

  
              “Just be patient,” Jamila smiled, kissing her husband on the lips.

*

Chapter two

December 10

It’s been over a month and today is the first day I feel…I feel less pain. I feel a little more like myself as opposed to someone trapped inside an empty shell. The pain I felt after losing Josie and Tristan was too unbearable. After everything that happened, I thought I needed something to help me ease the pain, a way to release some of the pressure. So I decided the only way I knew how to do that was to inflict pain on myself. I know now that my decision may not have been the best idea, but what’s done is done, I can’t change it now. I can say I don’t have any regrets though.

              I sat back and pushed up my sunglasses.

              I remember the first day it happened, when I made the decision to ease my pain. It was one day while we were heading back from the hospital after visiting Billy. On the drive back to the hotel we had passed a tattoo shop. I asked Gabe to pull over. “Miss Ella, I don’t think this is wise,” Gabe said.

  
              “I didn’t recall asking for your opinion. Now pull over,” I demanded. Gabe did as I asked and followed closely behind me as we entered the tattoo shop. I ignored all the stares I got from the people in the waiting room and proceeded to look around at all the different designs.

  
              A short, bald, heavy set man, covered from head to toe in tattoos came up to me. “Can I help you?” he asked in a deep voice.

  
              I straightened myself out, put on a brave face, and said, “Yes, I would like a tattoo.”

  
              He gave me a funny look, but obliged. “Alright, how about you pick some pretty thing off the wall and let me know what you decided.”

  
              I never took my eyes off of him. “I know what I want,” I said firm.

  
              He turned his head to Gabe, than back to me, and smiled creepily. “Let me guess, your boyfriend’s name inside a heart.”

  
              I turned to Gabe and laughed. Gabe just looked uncomfortable. Once I was able to contain my laughter, I gave Gabe an apologetic look and turned back to the tattoo guy. “No, I’m leaving it up to you.” He looked me up and down brows creased. To give him a little more incentive, I threw a couple hundred dollar bills on the counter in front of him. He eyed the money then signaled for me to follow him in the back. Gabe kept tight on my tail reminding me how much of a bad idea he thought this was. I ignored him and took a seat in the chair as the tattoo artist had directed me to.

  
              “How big and where do you want it?”

  
              I thought it over for a minute. “My back and as big as you can make it.” I took off my shirt giving him free range to do whatever he wanted. I knew I was taking a risk by letting him choose the design. I could end up with two naked ladies on my back, but at the moment I didn’t care. I sat in the chair trying not to let my nerves get the best of me. It was hard to listen to the buzzing sound coming from the other rooms. The longer I waited, the more I wanted to jump out of the chair, but I stayed strong.

  
              “Do you want a test shot?” he asked.

  
              “No, just do it,” I said so I wouldn’t back out.

  
              “This may hurt a little.”

  
              “That’s the plan,” I said to myself. I closed my eyes ready to take on the pain and boy did it hurt, a lot. Each drag of the needle felt like a hot razor on my skin. The pain I felt from the tattoo needle didn’t release the hurt I felt inside like I thought it would, but it still distracted me, at least for the time being. When he was done, he handed me a mirror to take a look at his work. He had covered my entire lower back with intricate swirls around a purple butterfly leading its way up to two brightly colored flowers.

  
              It was perfect.

  
              I turned to him and asked what had made him decide to do the design. He scratched his head saying he wasn’t sure. He said he just started drawing and this was the outcome. He said he felt like it was if someone was guiding him. I shrugged and threw another hundred at him telling him I’d be back. Gabe gave me a wary look as we left the shop. I knew he didn’t like the fact that I told them I would be back. When we got in the car I reminded him it would not be wise to tell my parents about our little detour. He nodded in agreement knowing he’d be in more trouble for taking me.

  
              I stopped by one more time before I left Vermont. I had gotten two more tattoos on my stomach and had become addicted to the pain.

Once I got home, I figured out how to sneak out of the house undetected. I continued to get inked feeding the addiction for the pain. I kept most of them hidden the best I could. My lower back was covered as was my upper back and shoulders. I had four across my stomach and one that stretched from the top of my breast all the way down my ribs and back up the side. I also gotten one on my foot and thigh and every time I got a new one I would tell them the same thing. “I’m an open canvas, do what you want.”  And each time after they were done I would ask them what made them decide on what to do. They all said the same thing. It just came to them, as if someone was guiding them on what to draw.

I think a big part of why I went the tattoo route was because it wasn’t something I would normally do, but lately I didn’t feel much like myself so doing something out of the ordinary seemed like a good idea.

Mom and dad don’t know about my little addiction, but they are about to find out soon enough. I keep myself covered most of the time so they have yet to see them, but being in my bathing suit is another story. There’s no hiding them then. I didn’t care. I was prepared for the storm that was about to erupt and was willing to take the consequences for it, or so I hope. Maybe I’ll just join a convent. Yeah, that would be pretty funny to see – a vampire nun – ha. Well hopefully after they find out they’ll be happy to know I’m done with the tattoo thing. After visiting Josie’s grave today, I no longer feel the need to inflict pain on myself. I feel that part of me has healed and someday I’ll find a way to heal the rest of myself. Until then I’ll have to find a way of releasing my pain without inflicting more.

            
 
I put my journal aside and lay back against the chair. I lay there trying to think of a good way to break the news of my new body art to my parents. I knew deep down there was no way to do it. Just then, my mom came out and sat in the chair beside me. The tattoo on my thigh was peeking out of the bottom of my shorts and caught her attention. “What’s this?” she asked, pulling up the side of my shorts. “Oh Ella, a tattoo?”

  
              I guess the cat’s out of the bag now.

  
              Her eyes shifted down my leg where she spotted the one on my foot. I’m surprised she didn’t see that one first. “Please tell me those are the only ones you have?” she asked, her face expressionless.

  
              “Well,” I said. I guess I might as well get it over with. I stood up and took my shirt and shorts off. She gaped at me as I spun around to show her. I couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad reaction.

  
              “Why?” she gasped.

  
              Okay, we’re going to go with bad.

  
              I shrugged. I couldn’t tell her the real reason, afraid she might have me committed.  “Please tell me this is just a phase.”

  
              “You don’t have to worry mom. I promise I’m done. It was just a phase,” I said, sitting back down.

  
              She let out a sigh of relief and looked over my tattoos again. “They are…nice. I just wish there was less of them.” I rolled my eyes. I should be happy that’s the only reaction I got. “How about we just keep this between you and me? At least until I can find an easy way to break it to your father.”

  
              “What are you two trying to butter me up for?” my dad joked coming up behind us.

  
              So much for breaking it to him gently.

  
              I stood up from the chair and faced him. “Please tell me this is another side effect from your powers, like your hair?” I shook my head no. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  
              “Liam.”

  
              “No. This is not something she can weasel her way out of or something that can just be overlooked.”

  
              “What are you going to do ground me? Send me to my room? Because that would be a real change from the past month, and I’m eighteen. I don’t need your permission,” I snapped, not in the mood to hear a lecture from him. He had a lot of nerve coming down on me considering all the things he’s hidden from me over the years.

  
              “You are royalty and royals do not have tattoos,” he said with a distasteful look on his face.

  
              “Well I’m a royal who does so deal with it. It’s the twenty first century dad. I highly doubt that there isn’t a royal with at least one tattoo. And if that’s your only argument then you just lost.”

  
              “Don’t get smart with me young lady.”

  
              “Why am I next in line anyways? Why not Xander?”

  
              “He was, but he declined,” my dad said, biting back his tongue, and showing me there was more to it then he was letting on. Obviously more secrets he was keeping from me.

  
              I crossed my arms, annoyed. “And that’s okay? He can but I can’t? What about Dean?”  My dad choked on a laugh. Even I knew that was a foolish question. Dean would end up having five wives and deal with his problems by getting drunk.

  
              “You will take over for me when the time comes. End of discussion.”

  
              “That’s not fair! I thought you said I had a choice!” I stomped my foot ready to throw a temper tantrum. I looked to my mom for help, but her lips were pressed into a tight line.

  
              “You did, until you started this…ridiculousness. Mutilating your body. For what?”

  
              “Artistic expression,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

  
              “From now on you will do as I say. You no longer have any more privileges.”

  
              “How is that any different from before?” I said, crossing my arms again.

  
              “Ella, don’t make this worse,” my mom said. I glared at her for just sitting there and not defending me.

  
              “All your expenses are cut off and you are not to leave this house, ever.”

  
              “Like I said, how is that any different?” I challenged my dad to come up with something better. I knew I was pushing my luck and would probably regret it, but I’d be damned if I was going to back down.

  
              “You are going to that school on the east coast,” he said with a smirk, knowing he got me.

  
              “What school?”

  
              “That special school that deals with our kind.”

  
              “What, no way! You can’t be serious?” Crap. I went too far.

  
              “Dead serious,” he said, smiling satisfied.

  
              “Just because I got a few tattoos?” I had a feeling that wasn’t the real reason but he was just using it as an excuse to send me there.

  
              “Who took you to get these tattoos?” he asked, avoiding my question.

  
              “No one,” I said, which was the truth.

  
              “Don’t lie to me. You cannot leave this house without any guardians,” he said, not believing me.

  
              “Yeah, well, maybe you should hire some new ones because it was pretty easy for me to sneak out undetected.” And it was, except when Gabe was here. He caught me a few times and refused to tag along saying, ‘
he wouldn’t be part of my self-destructive behavior and that if I
didn’t get back inside he would tell my dad.’
But when Gabe was busy on some errand, I had no problem sneaking pass the guardians that replaced him.

  
              “Ella, you are being reckless and it’s putting you in danger. This is a perfect example of why you should go to this school. You need to learn how to control your emotions.”

  
              “Yeah, because you do it so well,” I spat back.

  
              He noted my sarcastic tone with a glare. “Ella our powers are connected to our emotions and without proper control you could hurt someone or yourself and I can’t allow that to happen. You are going to that school end of discussion.”