The Wanderers (26 page)

"Wait."

"We gotta go, Joey."

Joey grabbed Richie and Buddy and pulled them over to Perry. "Stay right here." He found Eugene outside necking on a park bench.

"Eugene, c'mere a minute."

"Later."

"Eugene get the fuck in here now, or I swear to God, I'll kick your ass."

Silence, an exhale of breath. Whispers. Eugene followed Joey into the building. Buddy, Richie, Eugene and Perry stood around wondering what the fuck was going on with Joey. Joey feverishly rifled through the mountain of 45s on the table. He found the record he was looking for and took off the one that was playing. People started yelling. Joey ignored them and put on his record. As the first dirty piano notes of "The Wanderer" filled the room people started dancing again. Joey faced his four friends and started singing. One by one they started singing along too.

"I roam from town to town
I go through life wi-thout a care"

Joey cried as he sang. Perry felt a great mantle of sadness creep over his head and shoulders. Richie felt terrified of what he did not know. Eugene got shook by Joey's tears, but he had more than half a mind on Nina Becker. Buddy put his arms around Richie's and Joey's shoulders and squeezed tight as he could, as if the tighter he held on the more things would always be the same. Soon all of them stood with arms around each other's shoulders, ringers pressing into flesh, trying to make a circle which nothing could penetrate—school, women, babies, weddings, mothers, fathers.

The song was over. Some other shit came on, and the circle broke. It was twelve-thirty and Perry motioned to Joey. Eugene thought about Nina. Richie caught C's eye and winked; Buddy started thinking about being a father; Eugene wandered outside looking for Nina. Perry and Joey finally split. Richie and C took off; Despie and Buddy left, touching each other in a mixture of terror and love. Soon the only people left in the room were a bunch of dancing assholes.

"A
NYWAYS
, when I was fourteen I noticed that when I got a hard-on my dick went down instead of up. We were havin' this circle jerk at Gennaro's house, an' I saw that all these guys had hard-ons that went up, an' I was the only one who had one that went down. So I figure holy shit, I'm built wrong, you know? So I flipped. I mean I figured unless I got some chick to stand on her head an' spread her legs so I could, you know, like lower myself into her, there was no way I could get laid. What the fuck did I know? I was like fourteen."

"You ever talk to anybody about it?" Nina pulled the covers over her bare shoulders and nestled her head on Eugene's shoulder.

"Well, that was the bitch. My father ... I mean ever since I was twelve I would come into the house from some movie or somethin' with a girl an' he would say ... 'Hey Ace! Get any?' you know. An' first I din't even know like ... any
what?
An' then he would be tellin' me all these stories about how like he was eleven an' got sucked off by his teacher, an' how he bagged two girls at his confirmation, an' shit. So like by the time I was thirteen I was sayin', 'Yeah! I got laid,' an' 'Yeah! She sucked me off, whadya think!' You know, an' I wasn't even gettin' tit or anything. So like by the time I was fifteen mv oP man thought I spent half mv day fuckin' To tell you the truth I was cherry as the day I was born but I couldn't go up to him an' say... "Hey, Dad, I think my dick goes the wrong way, an' I'm flippin' cause I think that means I can't fuck a girl.' 'Cause he would jus' say, 'Whadya mean! I thought you was fuckin' girls since the year one. Whadya bullshittin' me all this time?' I was too ashamed to tell him, an' I couldn't tell the guys either 'cause when I started tellin' him I was gettin' laid, I started tellin' them too. I tried to tell my ol' lady but she's a real ball-buster about that shit, because she thinks my ol' man bangs anything that moves. I mean in a way I don't blame her. My father even used to bring women home at lunchtime. When I was a little kid I had so many fuckin' aunts comin' in with my father that I couldn't keep track a them. I use to tell everybody I had the biggest goddamn family in the Bronx One time I pot into a fight with this kid in fourth grade Silvio Rusciano. That kid had like fourteen brothers and sisters. We had a fight about who had a bigger family. He fuckin' shot in the nose I thought I din't have no face left. I came home, an' I'm bleedin', an' my mother starts yellin' at me about I should be a man, an' she starts pushin' me out the door an' tellin' me not to come back to the house until I beat 'im up, an' fuck that, you know? The kid could eat apples off my head. I ain't fightin' him with a goddamn Sherman tank on my side. Anyways, she keeps me outta the house all day. I was just sittin' on the stoop waitin' for my father to come home." Eugene laughed.

"She's a maniac," said Nina.

"Ah, she's O.K.," said Eugene, turning off the light.

"No, she's not, Eugene. And your father's a prick and an asshole."

"Ah, he's O.K. Anyways, so since I was fourteen I been walkin' aroun' thinkin' I'm impotent. When I was ol' enough to score, you know like fifteen, sixteen, what I would do was I would get 'em in bed, an' I would do
anything
an' I mean
any
thing
—you know foreplay stuff, but I wouldn't stick it in because I was scared that I dunno, it wouldn't work. It was a real drag because they would get real turned on, an' soon they would wanna fuck an' then I would have to
insult
them or ... you know, just
do
something to turn them off so they would get mad and go away. It was a bitch. I could never ... never go out with a girl I liked, because if she ever wanted to fuck I would have to make her mad at me. If we're in bed, an' she splits, it ain't
my
fault we didn't fuck, an' my reputation ain't hurt, an' nobody knows my little secret. I had it all figured out." He lit another cigarette and readjusted the pillow Nina leaned on her elbow her Ion? hair brushing against his neck. '

"Then ... about three months ago I met this chick at a bar, an' I go bring her back to Buddy's house, an' we're gettin' it on, an' all of a sudden she takes my dick before I could say or do anything, an' she just slips it right in. That's all she did. An' I was cured an' saved an' all that bullshit ...
dah dah!
" He turned his face up to Nina's. "Except I ain't saved. You ever hear that thing—miles to go before I sleep? That's me, miles to go before I sleep. Sex don't mean shit. I mean I dig sleepin' with you, Nina, an' I love you like I never loved anybody, but there's more to bein' a man, you know? I useta think once I got it on, boy, no more problems, no more hassles. But sometimes, sometimes now I feel worse than I ever did. I ain't a kid anymore. I gotta start movin', make decisions."

"What're you goin' to decide?"

"I dunno. Maybe I'll go to college. Maybe I'll get married. "You wanna get married?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"I like you too much." She briefly kissed him on the mouth, then leaned over and reached for a cigarette on the night table. The pack was empty. She jumped out of bed and turned on the light.

"Where you goin'?" he asked.

"I wanna go down an' get cigarettes." She slipped her dress over her head.

"It's twelve-thirty, where you gonna go?"

"Candy store on the corner is open..."

"You want me to walk you?"

"It's O.K. I'll be back in a second."

"Hey! You gonna put on any underwear?"

"No, I'll be back in a second."

"Whyncha put on underwear?" Eugene felt himself getting angry.

"It's hot out"

Eugene leaned back as the front door slammed. That was really fuckin' stupid. You wanna get married? Why the hell not? Christ. Eugene winced. He noticed Nina's shoes on the area rug. They were gray suede soft against the palm of his hand. He thought of her touch and her face. No way out of it, he was doin' a hurtin' dance when it came to Nina Becker. Just touching her goddamn shoes had him sucking wind. Eugene jerked up. If her goddamn shoes are here, then she's walking around barefoot. He saw her brassiere hanging across his desk chair, her panties in a crumpled ball on the seat. He jumped out of bed, furious. She'd been gone fifteen minutes. He put on his pants. Barefoot and bare-chested he went downstairs and stood on the porch. The street was as silent as the hour was late. He stepped lightly to the sidewalk and peered down the block. He could see the candy store. The lights were out. He cursed and started walking down the street. The air was cool. Tree branches dipped like palm fronds in a lay back wind. A white cat crouched on top of a garbage can and watched him walk by. Eugene felt weird walking around without shoes a shirt. He heard laughter from one of the houses. The candy store was closed an iron gate locked over the door. Eugene peered into the darkness—the clock on the wall showed one o'clock. He looked both ways down the street. Nina wasn't anywhere in sight. Stupid fucking cunt. He looked back the way he'd come. Maybe he'd missed her walking back. He started trotting back to the house, stopped, and turned back to the candy store. He would have seen her walk back, motherfucking cocksucker. He didn't know where to look for her. Maybe she went home. Bullshit. He walked into the dingy lobby of an old apartment building next to the candy store. Total silence. An old mirror and an elevator. He stood there for a few minutes deciding where else to look. Maybe he should run down to the candy store on Radcliffe Avenue. He'd reached for the door when he noticed a passaceway leading behind the elevator Eugene decided to check it out He found a narrow alcove with mailboxes and a big black guy with dungaree shorts down to his knees laying on top of a white woman All Eugene could see of her was her spread legs. The blood drained from the top half of his body.

" 'Scuse me," he mumbled. The black guy turned impassively toward Eugene. The woman was motionless beneath him. The terrible silence. Eugene thought he saw something shiny. Knife. Nigger. Rape. For a terrible second Eugene froze, not knowing whether to leap forward or back. He heard a soft, wavering moan. Knife. Nigger. He wheeled back to the lobby. The backs of his eyes itched with panic. He noticed a ground-floor apartment. He reached out to ring the buzzer, held back, and tore out of the building. The street was deserted. Two blocks down he saw a couple walking his way. He started to run toward them, stopped. Fuck it, they wouldn't do anything. Can't explain. Across the street he saw a phone booth He ran pulling out change dropping nickels dimes quarters in the street. "Operator? Police Hurry' C'mon, hurry." '

"I'm sorry. Whad you say?"

Eugene saw the guy walk out of the building. He looked at Eugene in the phone booth and walked briskly toward Burke Avenue. Eugene dropped the phone and ran back into the building. The minute he opened the door he heard Nina crying hysterically. She staggered out from behind the elevator, nude, dragging her dress on one leg. Eugene grabbed her. She was shaking and screaming. Her trembling fingers pulled at his hair. Eugene's legs shook.

"It's O.K.,'s'O.K.," he mumbled.

She sobbed and gasped. "Oh God, h-h-h-he was g-g-gonna k-kill me! He w-woulda
k-killed
me!"

" 's'O., 's'O.K." He hugged her, mechanically smoothing her hair. "Did he hurt you?"

"He ... he h-had a ra-razor!" she cried. The terror and tears bubbled in her throat. "He ... he wuh-wuh-woulda k-killed muh-me." She made a high-pitched whine and almost collapsed. Eugene held her tight and helped her to the steps near the elevator. He sat on his haunches in front of her and held on.

"Nina! Nina! Did he hurt you?"

"H-he h-had a
razor!
" She dropped her head on his arm then pulled up straight. "He said he w-woulda k-killed muh-me, h-he h-had a r-razor!"

"'s'O.K., 's'O.K." Eugene saw the red lines running along the left side of Nina's throat.

"S-suh-suh-suh-somebody came. Su-somebody came, an', an' then th-they left! Th-they d-didn't s-say n-nothin'."

Eugene clenched his teeth and trembled. Coward, faggot, coward, pussy, cunt, coward, coward, coward.

"B-buh-but he got sc-scared and l-left. He-he woulda killed me, Eugene!" She fell against his shoulder. He stroked her hair. Knife. Eugene flashed on looking down and seeing him on top of her. He flashed on the terrible silence. Then that tiny moan. The whimper. That scene and that moan jerked at him like invisible fishhooks snagged into his guts. Nina settled into a weeping half-sleep. Eugene helped her stand up and pulled her dress on. He walked her out into the street. She stumbled forward, one arm limp across his shoulders. Coward. Cunt.

When Eugene's parents came home at three in the morning, Eugene was sitting on the stoop in front of the house.

"Whadya you doin' up?" his father asked.

He shrugged. "Can't sleep."

His parents stood arm in arm over him.

"You got a date tonight?"

Eugene winced. "I'll be in."

His parents went into the house. Eugene tried to make himself cry. A song popped into his head. The Four Seasons' "Walk Like a Man." He realized that if he ever started crying, he would never stop. He got up, sighed, and headed into the house. His mother was in the kitchen making coffee. He heard his father in the bathroom upstairs.

"Ma?" She looked at him without saying anything. "I gotta talk to you. Somethin' happened tonight."

She raised her eyebrows, continued making coffee. "I'm listening."

"My girl friend got raped."

"What?" She stopped moving.

"We were in the house, an' she went down to get cigarettes. She din't come back so I went out to look for her. I walked in on this nigger rapin' her down by the candy store. He dragged her into a building."

"You were
there!
"

"Yeah, an'..."

"What did you do?"

"Hooked, an' I..."

"What did you
do?
"

Eugene raised his hands and stuttered, "I-I saw ..."

"Eugene ... what did you
do!
" Her lips were white slits, her eyes narrow bands.

"I saw an' ... he had a
razor
to her throat."