The Wall (60 page)

“I see. And how do you know that, Minna?”

“We talked with each other.”

“Woman talk! You don’t think Frau Landau would say the direct opposite? Just have a look at her!”

“What’s the matter, Arthur?” Johanna said as she turned to me with concern.

I couldn’t answer, but, despite all the heat, I was cold. Only my head was burning, and my hands trembled. Herr Konirsch-Lenz looked me up and down, somewhat suspiciously.

“There you see it! She spoils him too much. If I can give you a piece of advice, don’t be so worried about his condition. It all has to do with his not
being able to come to terms with reality, nothing but crazy ideas floating around his head. He needs a proper cure.”

“Did you and Arthur have a disagreement!” Johanna whispered almost tonelessly.

“One can’t come to an understanding with him. He is not real. He lives in a fantasy world. He has to get his feet on the ground first.”

“I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head,” said Johanna sadly.

Minna took her hand.

“Take it easy, my dear child! Don’t take what my Siegfried says so hard. He is the kindest man on God’s earth and only wants to help. He just has a rough exterior. He has to have that, and it comes from things not being easy for him. But you will see for sure how well he means it all for you both.”

“That’s right, Minna. You just need to talk to the sweet little wife. She needs it. Her nerves are about finished. Drink a lot of milk, Frau Landau, and don’t worry! Let me do the worrying! I’ll take it from here.”

Johanna looked uncertain; I had rarely seen her so confused. Herr Konirsch-Lenz tried to raise her spirits.

“Everything is all right, my child, just keep your head up! If you really love your husband—and one can see that you do, and what a lovely wife you are—then everything will work out. Come along, Doctor! There, take the tray! We need to wash the dishes and clean everything up.”

Thus was I left with no choice and, with a slap on the arm, driven from my seat. I was handed a tray, which Herr and Frau Konirsch-Lenz loaded up, my host placing the rest of the things on two trays and heading into the house with me toward the kitchen. I walked along as if on a forbidden path, but I was helpless before the will of the master of the house. He could now do with me as he wished. But he had conquered me only superficially. Listlessly I told myself that I had to cower but I didn’t have to let myself be defeated. Then I stumbled over the threshold of the kitchen and the dishes on my tray smashed into one another, though, fortunately, only a pair of sugar tongs fell to the floor.

“Now set it down, you clod! It’s sad to watch you go about any work! You must only help your wife at home by looking on, no?”

“Everything is peaceful and joyful for us at home. We don’t fight at all.”

“That I believe, but that’s not because of you. Your wife jumps when you tell her to, right? That’s the whole reason you’re so satisfied.”

I didn’t say anything. Herr Konirsch-Lenz tied his apron but didn’t offer me one. Capably and quickly he washed in the basin what was dirty, while I dried and had to clear everything away that was handed to me. I did it all as if asleep. Plates, cups, bowls, and silverware passed through my fingers and were soon gone. I was only happy that I was spared any aggravation and further talk about work. But, unfortunately, this buzzing activity was soon over and there was nothing left to do, and Herr Konirsch-Lenz came at me again with fresh vigor. I would have been happy to run off through the front door, but I couldn’t do that to Johanna and Michael.

“You took in very little sun and have caused me to fritter away the afternoon. But sit yourself down here in this room! We can return to our debate here undisturbed. I’ll just get my shirt from outside.”

In the room there was a soft sofa and two comfortable armchairs. I would have loved most to find a place there to sleep, but because I could hardly keep my eyes open any longer and knew that I certainly would cause more trouble if I looked like a deadbeat settling down to a cozy nap, I sat down on a hard chair with a high back at the table, which was covered with writings and a bunch of stuff. There was also a cat on it that blinked up at me and curled up between the chair legs, stretched out its hind body, and snaked around its tail. Then came a purring sound from it as it sprang into my lap. I didn’t know if it would be all right with the master of the house if I petted the animal, but the cat was pleased, curled itself up, and continued to purr. I didn’t want to chase it off, and so I playfully stroked its fur. My host left me alone for a bit, though I wished it could have been for much longer. He returned with remarkable quiet, but there was nothing special to see. Perhaps I was only a bit dazed and imagined that his step was quieter than earlier.

“Do you like our cat Jim?”

“Yes.”

“You’d better let him go. He sheds.”

Jim, whom I gently stroked, didn’t want to go, so Herr Konirsch-Lenz gave him a little nudge. Then he sat down across from me. Jim now circled him, but his master shooed him away and the cat ran off quickly and silently.

“Your wife would go along with your giving it a try with me and the wallpaper for a week.”

“That’s out of the question.”

“Too bad. But, please, there are other possibilities. Unless you’re willing to make adjustments, though, it’s out of the question, and I would have been so pleased to welcome you into my firm with open arms.”

“Why do you want to change me? Why must there be adjustments?”

“You talk like a child, completely immature. I already told your wife that.”

“I see, you have—”

“Now listen! I’m not a brute, but I think like a realist. When you were last here, you opened up to me your financial situation with full access and in thorough detail. I have calculated here on this page the kind of measures you can take to realize savings that I can recommend to you, and if you spend the bare minimum on food you, along with your wife and child, can survive five, maybe seven months. If you were to manage to switch apartments—and that should be your first concern—leaving behind your much too expensive apartment, which, by the way is damp and unhealthy, in order to move to a cheaper neighborhood, let’s say two rooms, which would be good to find farther away from the center of town, then I reckon you could stretch out your means to last nine or ten months. If you wish, I can manage your money. You would then have a better understanding of it and not be tempted to take out too much. Six to seven months should be enough to study a profession rich in opportunity. Such as auto mechanic, window decorator, watchmaker, or whatever else. You need to keep your ears open, think about it hard, and act quickly.”

I held my head in a bowed position and was quiet. Konirsch-Lenz was so completely convinced that he had made the right impression on me that he interpreted my posture to mean that I had agreed to it all.

“It’s good that you’re reconsidering. I know you’re sad. But that’s the way it is. Soon you’ll be thanking me, and feeling much differently—better, as happy as me.”

My patron looked kindly at me, almost candidly. I remained completely quiet, feeling weak with anger and suffering. By now I felt that all strength had drained from me, but, nonetheless, I suddenly felt pity for this man who had secured my trust and had now abused it so. I was ashamed for him, because he was so dumb, blind, and hard-nosed without realizing it.

“I know you intend all this in a friendly and sincere manner, but—”

“No buts, my dear Doctor, there can be no buts. I really do mean it in a friendly and sincere manner; there’s no lurking trapdoor. I know that you are clever. You can be convinced. You will indeed see, everything will work out. I ask you, then, do you want to come by tomorrow?”

“To your factory?”

“Yes.”

“Not at all!”

“Good. Let’s not waste another word on it! I’ve offered three times. Well, then, what else? You know that because of your lovely wife I want the best for you. I have a terrific idea. I have a good acquaintance at Self-Help who owes me, a Herr Scher. Is it Berthold Scher? You must have heard of him. No? Well, then, I will see to it, and you will soon hear from him. That’s a terrific idea!”

Herr Konirsch-Lenz was so taken with his terrific idea that he left me in peace and began to chat lightheartedly. There was no further opportunity to protest, because soon Frau Minna walked in to fetch us. Johanna wanted to head home. A stone fell away from my heart, and I breathed deeply and laughed out loud. This appeared to please my patron, for he praised my good humor and proceeded to inform his wife of the plan involving Self-Help and Herr Scher, which she found to be a “brilliant idea.” Then Johanna walked in with the three children behind her. Michael was cleaned up and ready to go home. I didn’t miss a chance to speed up our departure, and Johanna watched me fearfully from the side, concerned about my hurrying so. Frau Konirsch-Lenz loaded me up with a huge bouquet of flowers and a little packet she had done up for Johanna, Michael getting yet another toy at the end and whooping loudly, though I could see that he was tired. At last we shuffled toward the door, our hosts following us. Patricia and Petula yelled so loud that my ears hurt, but it didn’t bother me, for soon we would be free. The noise had the advantage that Herr Konirsch-Lenz didn’t worry about me but, rather, about his daughters. The door was already open; I thrust myself quickly through it as the first out and bowed again outside as goodbye. Johanna shook Frau Minna’s hand.

“Thank you so very much, Frau Minna, and you as well, Herr Konirsch-Lenz. It was a very lovely afternoon.”

Then, unfortunately, my patron had another terrific idea. He proposed—
this, in fact, was a command—that his family accompany us to the bus stop. Although I politely declined, that was not even noted, for his wife and children had immediately agreed and were already out on the street. Patricia and Petula scuffled about who should have the honor of taking Michael by the hand and ran on ahead. I hurried after them under the pretense of keeping an eye on them. At least Herr Konirsch-Lenz left me in peace. The couple placed Johanna between them, both of them talking to her, lively, inspired, he especially leading the conversation. I heard the sharpness of his voice, which rose ever higher. But I could no longer make sense of it, all the talk blurring together, such that not even once was a single word intelligible. With the children just ahead of me, I felt like a schoolboy sent ahead by his parents and the teacher, who behind him moved solemnly, feeling sad about a misbehaving offspring, complaining, yelling, doling out admonitions until slowly and subtly, yet inescapably, they balled up together into a storm that made one’s conscience anxious but which could not be escaped.

Then we began to climb a hill, the girls hurrying, dragging and lifting Michael along with them, me behind them, such that we were quickly beyond earshot of the grown-ups. Might they call out, “Arthur, not so fast. Be careful, you could stumble and break a leg”? No one called at all. I looked back timidly, but they were busy with one another and probably glad that I had gone on so far ahead. The separation would, indeed, have seemed fine to me if the two of them had not taken Johanna away. They would have to give her back; they could not ruin me. They had already tried hard to turn her against me, to alienate her from me, even to take her away, and none of it had succeeded. But this time it was different; I sensed danger. This Siegfried, whom I, like an ass, had tangled with in front of Johanna—I had to watch out for him. I didn’t feel jealous, for this Siegfried with his Kolex wallpaper couldn’t come between Johanna and me, but he could make enough trouble such that she would suffer and feel doubtful. Excitedly, I had described Konirsch-Lenz as a friend; now I had to work at shaking the impression that I had given rise to. Treated wrong, robbed of all means of strength, feeling entirely uncertain, I felt anxious in the midst of a difficult situation. I needed to pull myself together and get to Johanna, as well as break up her exchange with these people.

The children had reached the bus stop, and I took Michael from the
girls. They were lovely and harmless children, but I felt enmity toward them, as they were Siegfried and Minna’s children; I had to restrain myself to keep from being mean to them. Petula whined and begged to know when she could see sweet Michael again, and I said that we lived very far away, so it would likely be a long time.

“Papa has a car. It wouldn’t take very long at all.”

“I’m sorry!” I said, and sighed.

But that was too cowardly; seeing the children look wounded, I felt ashamed. I wanted to quickly get rid of such terrible feelings, and so I answered in a pedantic, dumb manner.

“Cars can be very dangerous. One needs to drive slowly and not too often.”

I couldn’t think of anything better. Patricia handled it straight off.

“Papa drives fast and is an excellent driver. He’s never had an accident. That’s how well he drives. And Mommy drives as well.”

“Mommy drives slow,” added Petula.

“It’s much better if Mommy drives slow,” I observed. “Then it’s harder for something bad to happen.”

I didn’t say anything more, and let the girls talk about their parents’ driving as Johanna, meanwhile, came closer. She was pale, for she had been pressed hard. When the three of them reached us, they fell silent; Johanna shot me a thin smile. Only the children kept on chatting; the grown-ups waited for the bus with hardly a word. It could be that Herr Konirsch-Lenz wanted to give me some more advice, but I stood next to Michael while holding the little packet and the bouquet of flowers, such that my patron had to curb all his good advice. When the bus finally arrived, having taken quite a long time, I turned around and dutifully stammered my thanks for all their kindness while managing to avoid shaking hands because of all I had to carry. Johanna rushed to lift up our boy, who had begun to dance about. Then we were on the steps of the bus, our supposed benefactors calling loudly to us, the children even louder, though I didn’t pay attention and didn’t look around. We drove straight off, Johanna with the child in her lap and me beside her.