The Visitors (22 page)

—What’s the big deal, Jimmy?

—You’re not deaf, I said.

—The notebooks are on the desk in your room, he said.

—I listened to people I shouldn’t have.

—What people. I’m the person—

I shoved my hands in my pockets.

—You’re the bastard. You always were, I said.

He stepped back.

—You’ve waited a long time to say that, he said.

—Yes, I have.

—And you live in your fucking head. You live in your dreams.

—And you’re still a bastard, I said.

—I’ve been called worse, young Jimmy, he said.

—I bet you have.

He took a step forward.

—And I bet you don’t know that your old man never paid mine for building that pump house.

I took a step toward him and laughed.

—Laugh, Jimmy. Go ahead.

He took a step back. I didn’t budge.

—The morning he died, he and the mother were fighting about it, he said. —I was in bed and I don’t know if this is before or after they kicked me out of their fucking school, but wanking in the bed was what I was doing. And the mother was shouting at him to ask your father for the money. That the money was badly needed. The father’s heart was about to say adios and go fuck yourself and I was lying on the bed and laughing and wanking. And why hadn’t he asked, the mother shouted! Why hadn’t he paid! Then this big loud thump and then the silence that was broken by the mother screaming my name, but not a scream, it was the loudest fucking screech I’ve ever heard, and I landed in the kitchen and the father was facedown on the table. The hands hanging limp. His porridge bowl in pieces on the floor and the porridge spilled all over the table and the floor. The mother standing beside him. Her hands covering her face. She was crying his name and saying that she wanted to go back again, back to the day they met, the day she fell in love with him. Only a naïve dreaming fool like yourself could make that one up—

I took a step back.

—Lies, I muttered.

—The mother made me promise that I would never tell the others they were fighting, he said. —She wanted no one to think that the moment he gave up the fucking ghost that’s what they were doing, but the truth is, Jimmy, that they fought all the time. He shuffled down his path to his cunt of a shed. And many nights I sneaked out and down that path and pressed my ear to that shut shed door and heard him
inside. The chair creaking and him whispering a name that never once was Nora. A name I could never make out. And my mother washed her cups and plates and knives and spoons and snarled like a bitch and put up with him and us and cooked with a vengeance. So you think I’m dreaming that up too—

He turned and walked through the sliding door. I went back to my place at the railing. Moonlight on the gravel below. And then I heard it. Whip-poor-will. Whip-poor-will. It flew right above me. And then it was down by the stream and I heard it above the noise of the water. The sliding door opened. His feet came toward me. He put a glass of whiskey on the railing before me. His feet slapped back across the deck. A chair dragged. I lit a cigarette. Cicadas wailed in the trees. I turned but I didn’t move. He was sitting before the big window. Sitting in the beam of his security light. Bugs crammed inside the beam. Mad things. Things delirious with life. He was staring down at his bare feet. He looked like a fighter between rounds. Catching his breath in his corner. And I’ve no idea what I looked like.

—I came because of Tess, I said.

I was standing in the middle of the deck with the whiskey glass.

—So how’s Tess?

—Tess’s painting pictures again.

—At times I’m living back there with Tess. And I’m this person I never was. A better one, to tell you the truth. But our trip to England put a full stop to Tess and me.

—Our trip to England, I said.

—We didn’t go there for haircuts, young Jimmy.

—She never told me is what I meant.

—Sorry, Jimmy. That just slipped out. But at first we planned to go for good. She was in Cork. Me in Dublin. And we were going to go and not tell any one of you. Start all over again where no one knew us. I wanted that then more than I wanted anything else. And Tess was for it at first. Then she wasn’t. Then she didn’t want me at all. So we went and got it done and came back the day after—

—Christ, will you stop talking about it, I said.

The empty whiskey glass was at my feet.

—But Jimmy, we end up living in the sweetest land of the living.

He looked up. He blew smoke then smiled. On the windowpane the fat moths and the other insects twisted and turned and climbed and fell.

—She loved baking her apple cakes, like each one was a ceremony, I said.

—Your mother, he said.

—Yes. That summer the pump house was built she baked them for your father. I remember her saying he was fond of them. She’d take one down to him once a week. I’d walk before her on the path, down through her garden. She’d warn me to be careful and not damage her flowers growing over the path. But she asked me to walk before her so that I could open the red gate going into the paddock. She’d cover the cake with a clean tea towel. She didn’t want the flies landing on it. It was like being at the head of Corpus Christi. Her head up. Pure grace. Grace that never existed in the world that I saw. And so I couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible from that piety.

—My father was very fond of you, he said. —He’d say the second youngest of Tom’s is very sound. I was thinking about the father saying that. And I wanted to think that’s who you were.

—Well, I’m not, but your father was different than the other ones, I said.

—You’re imagining that, Jimmy. He was the very same. All cut from the same cloth. But what Garfield film does he run down the stone steps to find the brother’s body?

—
Force of Evil
. The last scene, I said. —I first saw it with the father. The Garfield character wants to think he is helping the brother out, but he does his brother harm. It takes him a long time to go down those steps. And the brother’s body is lying at the edge of the river. It might even be the Hudson. “A man could spend the rest of his life trying to remember what he shouldn’t have said.”

—You’d remember that line.

—Yes, I would, wouldn’t I.

—You would, he said. —But tomorrow morning I have to drive an hour and a half to pick the daughter up. The mother and I meet halfway. You’ll like my daughter. And she’ll like you.

—By the way, I heard it, I said.

—You heard what, young Jimmy, he said.

—The whippoorwill. A lovely sound, I said.

—A nuisance, if ever I heard one, he said. —But look up at that August moon.

—I’ve looked at it, I said.

—There she is, he said. —Shining above the river and the big city, and their massive forests and all their other mad cities, but there’s no place in the world like up here. This place was meant for me. All those other places were only bus stops.

—It’s going to rain tomorrow, I said.

—You think so, young Jimmy.

—It’s on the breeze, I said.

—I forget I’m talking to the son of a farmer, he said.

Rain on the windows woke me. I pulled on my pants and went to the big room. Almost ten on the stove clock. A note on the counter:
Jimmy. Make yourself at home. I will see you later on.
The deck was invisible because of rainwater flowing over the roof ledge. I made coffee and took two bananas from the bowl and ate them. Then I headed out to the porch railing, where the rain looked like sand pouring down on the trees and the yard. The noise of the stream was muffled. Birds were silent. No work on the wall today. And I was staring into the trees when a dirty white goat wandered out. It crossed the path and began to nibble the long grass at the edge of the yard. Rainwater trickled from its ears and scraggly fur. I clapped my hands. The goat lifted its head. It had a beard like Anton’s. The yellow-green eyes stared. The long ears twitched and the tail shook. It turned again to eating the grass. And I watched it until it wandered back into the trees.

In the bedroom I took from my bag the clock Tess posted to me. I wiped the clock’s face with a towel, set it to the right time, and placed it on the empty mantelpiece above the fireplace. I tidied the bed and lay down on it. The rain had stopped. A bright and hot August day again. I got up from the bed and sat at the desk. I stared for a long time at the three shut notebooks. Then I stood and locked the door and when I sat again the notebooks were splashed with sunlight.

There were no dates. Two of the notebooks were filled with columns of building items. Prices in the old money, written in red ink, across from each item. The other notebook was a different story.

Cold sunshine this evening after five days of rain. Flooding along the roads and down in the fields and meadows. Went for a walk in the fields after supper. Una and seamus beside me. A quiet and thoughtful girl she will turn out to be. Seamus got tired of the walking and I lifted him up on my shoulders. Happy and laughing he was up there pulling at leaves when we walked under the trees along the ditch. Sky very blue and clear on the way back. Stood on the ditch with the lads before going into the house and saw the sun go below the flooded field beyond. Sun sank down into the water like it was never going to come back up.

Finished a small job indoors at hourigans. Hourigan could have done it himself if he was of any use. Hourigan standing there beside me all the time. And never once did he shut his arse. Farts flying from his hole two a minute. And he clueless. More than hinted at him a few times that I needed to think about what I was doing. If he wanted the job done any way right. His hands shoved down in his pockets and making sounds in his throat. Nora worried about some distress with kevin in school. Told her to let him off. The teacher is a curse and kevin can well look after himself. And nora says Im the only one around here who thinks like that. And I said to nora we are our own bosses in this life.

A few words with nell hogan after Sunday mass. Often see her on Sunday but this Sunday god knows what came over her she came over to me in the porch and shook hands with me. Said I looked grand. I smiled away and said everything was grand. There’s nothing more I could ask for. She inquired about Nora and the children. I said they were fine and if she wanted to ask them herself she should stay right where she was
because they’ll be out now any minute. She said she had to rush off to the shops and the aunt was sick in the bed at home. Remember nell well from national school. Sat in the desk in front of me. Id tap her on the shoulder and ask for the loan of a pencil. Always forgot to bring the pencil. And mislaid so many of them for some reason. Nell bending over and rooting in her satchel and finding me the butt of one but it worked fine like a new one. Nell was a big strong girl then. A mighty smell of milk and the smell of sweat. But her sweat wasn’t bad in any way. She milked the cows before coming to school. Youd know that then just by looking at her. The size of the arms and cowdung on her elbows. Her father was a hard man. Don’t know so much about the mother but she must have been better than him because nell is a nice enough person.

A pleasure it is to sit here. The doors in the house all safe. Half after one in the morning already. A cold enough night it is. Should have put on them drawers that Nora left out for me. She said this evening when the lads were outside that whatever happens I want you coming in from that shed alive. I don’t want you getting your death of cold and I don’t want any of my lads going out there one morning and see you with your head on that plywood and that biro stuck in your mouth. The biro will be shoved up my arse Nora I said and she said what had she done in her life to end up with a person like me. I said we did nothing and that’s what happened to us. She said I was a coarse person and I needed to keep my eyes open in the daytime along with the night. Things are going on in the daylight before your eyes she said and you don’t see a thing. You cannot have it every way I said and asked if the lads were all right. She said the lads were
all fine. The lads were as good as could be expected she said.

A minute ago it was half past eleven. Now its closer to two. All safe in bed. The cottage is dark. The doors are locked. The two older ones in a big fight this evening. Not at all sure what it was over. Told them to shut their traps and behave or they’d be sleeping out in the back yard. Or they can cross the ditch and spent the night with the neighbors cows. That put a stop to them quick enough. Theyre either the best of friends or the worst of enemies. Wish that they were more like the younger lads who are more quiet. Not a peep from the road. People going by on bicycles earlier. Didn’t know the voices at all. Young people. A few cars went by and two tractors. Then the guards go on by. I know the sound of the squad. I think when they go by they’ll stop and come up to the door and tell me theres something wrong I did and they’ll cart me off to the jail in limerick city and Ill never get out of it again. I often think of Nora and the children looking at me through the bars and crying. But I think too they might look at me through the bars and have a good laugh. What would you like to see at your door. The tinkers the guards or a priest. Id take the tinkers about the rest of them. I wouldn’t mind a nun standing there at all. They are gentle people and they do better work than them priests.

Finished the big job at scanlans. Have been hard at it for a few weeks. Dug out old wall and put in new wall in the back of their cowhouse. Foundation was not very sound but dug it up and put down new foundation stones. Wall will last for a lifetime of scanlans. Paid me and everything. Fed me well too. A long stroll with tom after the dinner. Talked about the races last Saturday and gave
him money for the ones this Saturday. He said there was a few in the pool and Saturday would be the day I was lucky. Talked about last Sundays match. Went walking in the ryans big fields. Gave him the money at the bottom of the field but not all of it. Tom with the hand out saying ryans cattle look hungry. The cattle looked fine to me. A relief it is not to be a farmer.

Was up at grogans all week. Will get that job done as fast as I can. Hard being around them. The ten children come and stand at the door of the shed with their saucer eyes. Two of them redheaded. They look at me like I am in the zoo. I have never in my life been to the zoo. When I smile and make a face or say something funny they scurry like mice. Backward children by the looks of them. And grogan not a happy man with children. You can see that the way they scatter when he is about. Id say one child is even way too much for him. Rarely see the wife at all. Never see her at mass. Grogans don’t have much in the way of land. Life would be tough enough for them. They would be getting something in the way of the children’s allowance. I knew grogans brother in school. Sat two desks over from me. The right side of me. The younger one of them. Very fond of the girls and very fond of the drink. Got some girl in trouble but married her. It turned out all right I think. Lives up near emly. Had a job at the creamery up there. Grogans wife looks like she does not want anyone to look at her. Id say she has a tough life with him and all them children. A thin and worn looking woman. Will have trouble getting the money out of grogan. Know that much for a fact. Everyone says that. The sort he is. He will ask me to come down in the price. But Ill stand my ground with grogan. Owe tom some money from last weeks races. He says not
to worry but you know the way people are. What people say and what people do are two very different things. I know that too well myself.

What sorrow to sit here. The tired clang of the shed door when I pulled it after me. The leaves of the birches clicking like the ticking kitchen clock. The leaves keeping time to my misery. In here is the only place I can get a bit of comfort or peace. All I can think about every second is that she is gone. All I can think about is that I will never again lay my eyes on her. Once a year in my life I have seen her since so many years ago. Looking forward to those summers so much. Knowing when june changes into july. The sound of the cuckoo goes from the hedges. The hay down and the voices of the farmers in the meadows. Knowing shed be around the second week. That way for years. Then only seeing her walk through the porch at mass. The eyes searching for me in the crowd. That’s the way I always thought that. They are looking for me. Then the eyes meeting and us turning away. Going ahead with things. But I don’t know if I was thinking in the right way. Them letters I wrote to her in my head only. The way I hid it all these years. But at times I think people could see right down into my soul. Everything exposed there like a yard light at the end of a barn in the middle of the night. Exposed and open in the end. Foolish and stupid and crippled for all the world to see. But then I would think that no one sees nothing.

The moment I walked in the door the evening before last Nora said did you hear that toms sister passed away in dublin. I said to Nora I ran into egan who ran out on the road and told me. Egan mad to be the one to tell me I said. Even though his cows were waiting to be milked but he likes to be first with the news for everyone I said.
Nora said she was crossing the street in dublin and got hit by a bus and the lord have mercy on her soul Nora said. Sure shes only our age Nora said. I said that was surely a fact. And she doing great work in that job Nora said. At the very top of it Nora said. Then Nora squints over at me and inquires if theres enough soap in the dish or should she put out a new bar. I said the soap will last another week. And then Nora says the supper will be on the table soon and then she squints at me again and says I look very pale and drawn like was I not feeling the best. Youre spending too much time out in that shed of yours she said. Youre driving yourself mad she said. Youre driving me and the lads mad she said. It looked like we are running a fine well run madhouse then I said. I had a hard day of it with the work and I might have a lie down after the dinner I said. She said the right thing to do might be to go and visit tom. I said ill see what ill do after I eat a bit and I asked how the lads were. Not a bother on them at all but the usual devilment she said. And when I bent to wash the hands and I was turned from Nora and I shut my eyes and thought what a cruel man I am. I squeezed the soap and it slipped through my fingers and I pushed my hands down into the water and brought the handfuls of water up to my face without opening my eyes. So very tired of all of it tonight and not much sleep since I heard the news. Have to go and see tom. Still owe him a few pounds from last weeks race. Building up a bit. He wont bring that up at all. And that thing I have kept from him all these years. And she being his sister. But he is not the sort you can tell a thing like that to. And they not even close to each other. The way a lot of families are it looks like. The way I am with my own brother when we pass on the
road and don’t salute. Looking over opposite ditches. Looking into different fields.

Went out behind the shed and stood in the docleaves that were damp. It was very quiet and I closed my eyes and whispered her name. I had to lean up against the trees and catch my breath that was tearing through me like wire or like glass. And I kept the eyes shut and said her name a few times again and I felt peace in whispering her name. But so little of it.

Such sorrow to sit here and try and put a few words down but the day went by fine. Buried in dublin twelve days ago now. But the passing days pass and don’t get better. But was able to concentrate on the job I was doing for murphy. Had a few hours to myself. Its good being on my own doing the job. Its a bit easier. Nora asked again if I was all right that I looked especially pale last evening and my eyes were tired and sick looking. Una came and did her sums beside me at the kitchen table when I was eating the bit. Shes a pure topper at the sums. Did not talk but what a pleasure it was to have her sitting there. Her hair is like my mothers. I said that to her and she turned from doing the sums and smiled up at me. Then she goes back to doing the sums. I asked if I could be of any help but she said there was no need. I have to keep my place and its better when I don’t look at Nora and the children in the eyes. But things are good around the house. Una did very well in the school. So did tommy who told me this evening he wanted to be a priest. I told him he might get over that but whatever he wants to be is fine by me. You know what you want to be better than I do I said. Last night I sat here. Did not write down one word. Just sat and didn’t even turn the light on. There was some rooting at the door of the shed. A rat that was.
I put down the trap and the rat was in it in the morning. Picked him up with the spade. Flung that dead rat high beyond the docleaves before I went off to work in a dour mood.

Tom did not go up for the funeral. The moment I saw him I said the lord have mercy on your sisters soul. He blessed himself and said the years went by and she kept her life to herself. She stopped writing the letters home many years ago he said. Just came for the two weeks in july he said. What happens to all of the ones who go away I said. I suppose so tom said. But she was like that too when we were young he said. And then he immediately started talking about the races and the news. A very odd man at times but who am I to call anyone odd. The pot calling the kettle black. I was thinking all day about the first time I knew she was in the world. And she was not like everyone else to me. Not another everyday person. She was this person that took me away from being this everyday person. This person that put me in a torment. Thinking who I was before. How I got by. What the days were like. What I didn’t notice the way I notice now. I would have seen her a few times before I knew what she was to me. Back when we were young. Before life got a hold on us. I would have noticed her before I fell because of her fine looks and manners but I only truly remember her the moment I fell and the long and bothering years that came after.